Cultural vs Behavioral differences

[Boethius]

It's about respect, Lazarus.

When the one who shells out the money lords it over others, his relationship with them is doomed.

[Misha]

There's better than a good chance they won't know your tongue (if they do, then consider that a major plus, if they don't, well... ) thus every night at the dinner table when that moment hit you and realize you can really never be too much a part of any conversation, relax and just get used to it....you wanted a traditional wife and she's still cuter than any other girl you can attract at home, right?! So, all is still good.

Even when you speak Russian it is not necessarily any easier  :evil: My experience from my past life (i.e. previous marriage): your in-laws will be living with you, but they will withdraw to a room and make you definitely feel not welcome because you are not part of their nuclear family. Soon, you will be alone at the dining room table eating feeling as if you are a stranger in your own home  :evil:

[Lazarus]

It's about respect, Lazarus.........

I agree!
It is about respect....both ways. 


Laz

[Boethius]

No, as parents, they are afforded respect which you are not.

[pitbull]

 This is in hopes that by the time they do get approved and get here, they would at least have the ability of understand and converse their own way around here without having to fully rely on our guidance. More importantly, any serious discussion that need to take place concerning our life and family, will be available for everyone to participate on and not to have to rely on phocking translators....

So, a question to GQ and enyone who has brought/is planning to bring a MIL/ In-Laws to the US: How have you overcome ther healthcare issue? Or how are you planning to?

Thanks!

[Lazarus]

No, as parents, they are afforded respect which you are not.

Daughter: I agree.
SIL: Tolerance yes......respect is earned both ways though.

Laz

[Ade]

It seems a little strange to me that men go out of their way to find a woman from a different country with a language they do not understand and then complain that their wives in-laws can't communicate with them.

[tim 360]

"Be kind to your mother in law, but pay for her room at a good hotel".  Josh Billings

[Lazarus]

"Be kind to your mother in law, but pay for her room at a good hotel".  Josh Billings

You can "drop-off" your non-English speaking FSU MIL & FIL at the nearby Holiday Inn Express, but standby for the consequences.

Laz

[ECOCKS]

There's also a five year study from Cornell, in the good ol' USA

http://behavioural-psychology.suite101.com/article.cfm/bilingual_children_learn_better

GQ, why don't you learn some Russian?  Take a Rosetta stone course, learn just enough basics that you can communicate with the inlaws.

My Russian is pitiful despite the time I spent there. Yet, my MIL and I can sit in the kitchen and prepare food together, eat while one watches TV or even read a book while one talks on the phone and it still feels like we're family.

Verbal communication is important, but good people can communicate well enough without it if they are sincere, especially when the feeling is love. My MIL can tell when something is important to me and I can tell when she needs something urgently versus simply wanting to know whether something or another is okay. She used to look at me from time to time, then calls my wife, talks minute and hands the phone to me whereupon my wife will ask whether Mama should fix something to cheer me up. As we got to know each other better she would just look at me and say, "EdVard, coffee, chai, napoleon, smetanik, eclair or medavik?"

To paraphrase the song, "It's good on the heart, but hell on the waistline."

[ECOCKS]

It seems a little strange to me that men go out of their way to find a woman from a different country with a language they do not understand and then complain that their wives in-laws can't communicate with them.

Yeah, more than a tad ironic isn't it?

[Misha]

mil abruptly closed messenger....only to re-appear a few minutes later to tell her they just found out Popski can't make it anyway because of work, so they won't be coming over, signs off abruptly again.

The joys of emotional manipulation  Imagine what it will be like when they will be living you 

[GQBlues]

GQ, so with the economy the way it is there, they have decided to come live with you? Who initiated this idea? Why not send some money to help them (seems far less expensive, both financially and emotionally, to support them there rather than to move them here).

Daveman-

That is still an option, at least I believe so. People seem to keep suggesting things are getting better in Russia and I'm not sure if that's wishful thinking because all I know is some of my wife's friends are still unemployed and prices are perpetually rising and not on par with income revenues. My wife would talk with me about how now and then she misses Novo a bit, but that would all change after speaking to her parents.

Trust me, life would be so simple if I can just hammer down and send 1-2 grand every month. 20K/yr is nothing if you consider that I would at least keep mysef from fully insuring our folks, which I know what I will have to do if they came here anytime soon.

Mumski and Popski are still fairly young, late 50s. My outlook on this is they definitely have more than ample time to get adjusted properly ONLY, and only IF, they can learn English. I strongly believe life can give and offer them so much more here - close to us, and maybe soon our own family, too.

My wife and I just bought a small home and we've even gone and discussed how maybe someday soon when we have our own family we can move into a much bigger home. The home I (we) just bought is in a very nice, fully appointed complex and if there comes a time her parents do arrive - I'd be happy to just have them have the house for themselves if they wish, OR, sell it and purchase one where they can put their own input into where they'd want to live.

I would love to see popski really take adavantage of how life can be for relatively 'young' senior folks here in the US. While I feel they can always be in our sights and guidance, it'll be a great thing for him and mumski to go about and enjoy life as well. I owe them that much for raising a wonderful woman that had become my wife.

They do have title to their home right now, which I am told is worth a little bit of money. I don't know how much nor do I care to find out. That's their money. I am willing to own up to this reality simply because I sought after it by marrying my wife HOWEVER, if efforts being layed out is completely one-sided, meaning the little request I make to learn English is going to be a big deal - then my wife will have to learn to do this herself, with alimony money from me, and/or with a new willing beau. I do have a point I simply cannot cross.

I'd rather live broke, alone - than to live under that condition.

I don't understand the necessity to move them in, of course these questions coming from a guy who has not been married to an FSUW.

That's understandble. How could you possibly know the extent of how life can take its course. Life is so much easier leaving things to an imaginary future. Actually living it is a whole another reality. This is why I posted my first post here, and this is why I believe it is a huge service to this community to open these types of discussion and really have a clear and open dialogue instead of throwing barbs, insults, and whatever other defacating posts that gets into these threads.

So, a question to GQ and enyone who has brought/is planning to bring a MIL/ In-Laws to the US: How have you overcome ther healthcare issue? Or how are you planning to? Thanks!

I figure I (we) will be out at least 20-30 grand every year just to make sure that part of their being here is taken care of. Yes, that's just for insurance. My wife had been pretty busy doing some reading, etc...to see how long will it take before they can actually have social entitlements. This is also a part why I thought it'll be beneficial if they could at least learn some basic English. There are strong programs available specifically for senior citizen hiring. Nothing physical. There are placements like store greeters, park attendants, etc...There shifts are dependent on whatever how much folks are willing to put in. This allows them to 'pay into the system', which hopefully, to my mind anyway, should earn them 'entitlements' in the future.

But for now - I'll gladly own up to the financial impact for as long as necessary but all I'm asking for in return is make an effort on their part to not only makes things easier for me - but more importantly to themselves, their daughter, and our marriage.

SJ, please cum take a sunny stroll down Cesar Chavez Boulevard or sunny Santa Ana anytime 'omey. Bring Boethius with you...don't forget to bring along your articles too ese.....if you two survive this little adventure, ese come and spread the word 'bout dem articles homes.

[GQBlues]

The joys of emotional manipulation  Imagine what it will be like when they will be living you 

That's exactly what it was, Misha. I was so angry with my mil for ever doing this to her and I know, this is just one examply of how challenging this can be, or will be, for me or anyone.

[Misha]

I would love to see popski really take adavantage of how life can be for relatively 'young' senior folks here in the US. While I feel they can always be in our sights and guidance, it'll be a great thing for him and mumski to go about and enjoy life as well.

Given the emotional games you described your MIL playing, my money is on the "that ain't going to happen" option  Just have to read the comments in the thread we had last week about retirement and the various options available to seniors and the comments that thread generated. What you can expect: your in-laws will move in with you and your MIL will promptly set out managing the household under her rules  The best you will likely to be able to hope for is a refuge somewhere in the household where you and your FIL will be able to retreat and share a few hundred grams of vodka 

[GQBlues]

Just have to read the comments in the thread we had last week about retirement and the various options available to seniors and the comments that thread generated. What you can expect: your in-laws will move in with you and your MIL will promptly set out managing the household under her rules  The best you will likely to be able to hope for is a refuge somewhere in the household where you and your FIL will be able to retreat and share a few hundred grams of vodka 

LOL.

Don't you go thinking this scenario was ever absent in our discussion. I fully realize the potentiality of this happening in our household. If it does, then I'm gone and my wife will be doing this herself alone...including whatever the court decide is my responsibility.

No ifs and buts on this one. No silly therapist and certainly not radio talkshow host advice either.

I will do what I can humanly possible, but I also feel my personal life deserves the privacy I sought to have it in. If I can't have it, then I don't need to participate in anything else. I would be happy knowing I did what I could without having to sacrifice my personal principle....

[Gator]

A woman or a man who puts mama ahead of the spouse is not marriage material.

Didn't say that.  What I intended to convey is that MIL has a strong influence, and no matter what the man and woman decide, MIL may try to enforce her opinion, one moment at a time, every moment. 
 

Does a 31 year old know any better?  No one knows exactly what type of parent he/she will be.  But you can determine many things from a person's character.

Determine?!?!  People change, especially when surrounded by a new environment.  Not even psychological testing will determine how they will change.

The jealousy you describe is, I believe, the result of a lack of communication.

Lack of communication!?!?  Sheesh You and I are miles apart, miles. And I will only become more weary.  Relentless siege. I see no reason  to continue. Especially since the post I am quoting was from the prior page.

Before I withdraw to a calmer, gentler place, I need  to collect my thoughts.  Key issues:     Raising children.   In laws.  What else?  Whether you call them behavioral or cultural matters little to me. The point is that  American ways and FSU ways differ starkly.  Make sure that you and your wife are able to resolve conflicts productively, as there will be many conflicts.

I had a lot more fun dating RW than I did marrying them.  It was certainly easier and less expensive.  JB was the smartest - he married the MIL and the kids stayed in Russia.     He helped her secure a university position to keep her refreshingly invigorated and gainfully employed.  Meanwhile, he continued to fish, hunt and sip his bourbon.

[Misha]

No ifs and buts on this one. No silly therapist and certainly not radio talkshow host advice either.

I hear you. At the end of the day, trying to maintain a marriage when having to deal with unending power struggles with in-laws living with you is futile at best...

[Gator]

If it does, then I'm gone and my wife will be doing this herself alone...including whatever the court decide is my responsibility.

Not another one brewing.

Hang in there.  You are my idol.  I knew you before you met your wife. 

You have always impressed me as unflappable, someone who would think everything out and take every reasonable step.  However, there is a point....

[GQBlues]

Thanks Gator but my statement before I got married still rings very true today. My wife is even more wonderful today as she was when I first met her. It is ironic that my MIL had a hand in raising her. I do wish sometimes she can just tune out mil now and then, but...

I used to say that if we ever got divorced, it would be because of me. In some ways, that still rings true but only with the addition of my mil in the mix. Believe it or not, I am supposed to be the favorite sil.

But anyway, no. Nothing's brewing our way - not yet anyway. She still thinks I'm sexy! 

[kievstar]

Pitbull, when my MIL came to visit I purchased a health plan for $1,200 usd a month which covered 100% of everything except existing conditions like cancer and pregnancy.  Bascially did not want a foreigner to drop in and ring up a $50,000 doctor bill and pay only $1,200.  There are cheaper plans out there.  Longer the plan months the cheaper the price as well.

[BC]

Key issues:     Raising children.   In laws.  What else?  Whether you call them behavioral or cultural matters little to me. The point is that  American ways and FSU ways differ starkly.  Make sure that you and your wife are able to resolve conflicts productively, as there will be many conflicts.

Add failure to, or limited integration / adaptation / acceptance of the new environment.

Conflict resolution may also be an issue - on the one hand 'stubbornness' seems to be noted from time to time, even applauded but OTOH does have a stark downside a'la 'my way or highway' attitude.

[Markus]

BC,

I don't whistle in the house any more either. But, you forgot about scratching your back on the wall. I learned that I won't have any money as a result. I still scratch my back on the
wall and I still don't have any money.

The original statement is a bunch of BS. The only difference I've found is that being married to a RW is much better.

Mark

[Faux Pas]

I will do what I can humanly possible, but I also feel my personal life deserves the privacy I sought to have it in. If I can't have it, then I don't need to participate in anything else. I would be happy knowing I did what I could without having to sacrifice my personal principle....

I see your outlook on this as very healthy and would likely mirror mine if I were put in a similar situation which, as it stands now, highly unlikely. I too would do all I possibly could for the in-laws but nothing to the point of endangering my marriage or my sanity