You think you know what a successful relationship is? Let's hear it.

[BillyB]

One man marries a woman and they live happily ever after. They never divorce. They have no reason to. They are both genuinely in love and stay that way until they die.

Another man has a series of relationships and five marriages. Each relationship and marriage is deemed a success, by the man.

How would the average man/woman view these two men in terms of successful relationships?

Most people would prefer to have one marriage that lasts a life time and would claim that a success from your two options. Length of marriage may imply success and happiness everyday but not always true. I have one relative married to a man who complains everyday and it wears her out. She says she's too old to start over. When her husband dies, I'm not sure she will cry but I'm 100% sure she will feel relief. If someone bothers you, you can leave and get away from it. In a marriage, it's not that simple. That's one reason why those who want to stay single enjoy their freedom.


If people want a good measure of how successful their relationship is, they should first take a look on how happy their partner is. As an example above, my relative's husband is clueless on how much pain he brings to his wife everyday but he'd probably tell you his marriage is a success based on length of marriage.

[GQBlues]

Successful relationship to me is the continuing celebration of deeply & genuinely caring for each other even if life's pathways had taken you both in separate direction. It's eternal. When you see people who are close to you, or used to be close to you, be always happy and elated to see you - you'd know you succeeded in your relationships, both past and present.

[Misha]

What makes a successful relationship? IMVHO, it is when you come to see your partner's imperfections as endearing, while recognizing your own flaws and trying to minimize them as you strive to become a better person, a better partner and in my case a better husband and the best father possible.

[LiveFromUkraine]

Fantastic.  Thanks for all the contributions. 

Tough question! haha  I am happy to see where some people are coming from based on their answers. 

[GoodOlBoy]

To broad of a question LFU.
 
One man's success is another man's failure.
 
But I would like to make one suggestion.
 
Somewhere under a members avatar, screen name, country, trips to FSU etc. should be a category for number of divorces (failures).
 
It is important information for other members and Newbies out there to know exactly where the "solid" advice is coming from and the other kind....... 
 
GOB

[Ozzimusician]

There is that old saying "Familiarity breeds contempt"

I saw on the TV in the Doctor's surgery a snippet - some research about "predictors of divorce" some 10 year study of how a couple relate to each other when there is a problem.  The two big divorce indicators were "contempt" and "criticism".  I know from my past experience, if you let these two things slip into a relationship - it just eats love away like a cancer - methodical and irreparable.

If a relationship persists through the most difficult times, trials and tribulations without contempt and criticisms - I think guaranteed to be hailed a "successful relationship".

[Gator]

If one to follow along these lines then every relationship is successful, as long as it reached desired outcome.  And people desires tend to change with time...

I like this with one change.   Rather than focus on the outcome (destination), I believe it best to give most weight to the journey.
 
Two people can enjoy a journey together immensely and for a long time,  decide amicably to take different paths, and still remain kind.     To life! 

[LiveFromUkraine]

To broad of a question LFU.
 
One man's success is another man's failure.

Great point! 

But I would like to make one suggestion.
 
Somewhere under a members avatar, screen name, country, trips to FSU etc. should be a category for number of divorces (failures).
 
It is important information for other members and Newbies out there to know exactly where the "solid" advice is coming from and the other kind....... 
 
GOB

It's always good to know more about the poster before taking advice.  I guess it depends on the advice given.   I wouldn't give advice on how to keep a marriage going since I am divorced myself.  In all honesty, I think it would take a long time being marriage before I could give advice on that.


I have no problem giving advice on other areas where I feel I could offer value.


That still begs the question, when is someone an expert enough to give advice on a topic?  Like I said, my parents have been married for 43 years.  Even though I wouldn't want their type of relationship, I would listen to what they have to say.  Then I need to decide whether it would work for me or not.


I have worked towards a more positive frame of mind.  I came from a rather negative mindset growing up.  Knowing that, I will listen to people who display a more positive attitude on matters.  But, as you said, if they have 4 divorces I may not take their advice on making a marriage work.  haha

[ML]

I wonder if it would make any difference knowing the background of a person when reading their relationship advice.

Do any of us really take to heart such advice when we are trying to sort things out in  our own minds as to what course of action  to take?

What  I think we do . . . is read all we can, or all we want to . . . and, in doing such, we start to form ideas about  how we want to proceed.  We will like some ideas we read and not  like  some ideas.  Our likes or dislikes are based on our own mindset . . . not on what we know about the history of the person who gave the advice.

The above relates to 'relationship' advice.

I think it is entirely different than the situation of advice about finance, investments, medical, fixing a car, taking a road trip,  etc.

In these latter cases . . . it is important to know about the qualifications of the individual.

But for relationship advice . . . each of us is 'all knowing.'  We don't really follow the advice of anyone.  We absorb everything or many things . . . and then do what we want to do . . . which is often what we had planned to do anyway from the beginning.

[GoodOlBoy]

I wonder if it would make any difference knowing the background of a person when reading their relationship advice.

D@mn good post ML!
 
Like LFU, my late Mom and Dad were married for a long time (58 years).
 
Whenever my first wife and I were experiencing troubles, I always seeked counsel from them first, because of my "unique" situation. I was career military (20+ yrs.) and so was my Father (30+ yrs.). Military marriages are placed under a tremendous amount of stress when you are never home (and I mean NEVER) and fortunately my Mom and Dad came through every time with solid gold advice to both of us.
 
So ML, I would have to say it does make a difference knowing the background of the person giving out the advice.
 
GOB
 

[GoodOlBoy]

Also, I am not saying that I would come to any forum for marriage advice to a RW, BUT if I did, I would seek counsel from ONLY the most experienced AND longest lasting marriages here on RWD (instead of the "fun" or "popular" posters).
 
Mendy, Muzh, Vaughn, Dan, etc. all respected members with 10+ years of marriage to a RW and still going strong.
 
And no I wouldn't take everything that they say as the "Gospel", but it would hold a lot more weight with me than say...... some others here.
 
People would probably suggest marriage counseling, but I don't know of any Russian speaking/writing counselors here in Miami that could help us, if needed.
 
Yes, Marina can speak/write English, but to solve deep rooted problems, I believe a Russian would be in order (JMO).
 
Also, good luck trying to sell counseling/therapy to a RW. 
 
Aloe is the only RW I have ever heard of that went to one (and participated).
That also speaks volumes in my book about how badly she wanted her marriage to work.
 
GOB

[Gator]

 
People would probably suggest marriage counseling, but I don't know of any Russian speaking/writing counselors here in Miami that could help us, if needed.

If you need to, come to Tampa.  There are three Russian speaking psychologists practicing here.     Russians are everywhere; even our physician has a Russian nurse and my dentist a Russian assistant. 
 

 

Also, good luck trying to sell counseling/therapy to a RW. 

I thought the same because of how few Russians in Russia seek counseling.  Also, how many RW would ever admit that they were part of the problem?   Nevertheless, its happening.  I do not know the extent, however.
 

[GoodOlBoy]

If you need to, come to Tampa. There are three Russian speaking psychologists practicing here.      Russians are everywhere; even our physician has a Russian nurse and my dentist a Russian assistant. 
 

Good information to know!
 
If God forbid I woke up tomorrow and there was a crisis, I would do everything humanly possible to save my marriage.
 
I certainly wouldn't sit on my thumbs and wait for a phone call/text message from my wife visiting Omsk saying: "The plane has crashed". 
 
GOB

[mendeleyev]

I posted a more in-depth answer somewhere in another thread recently and won't attempt to rehash it here. Suffice it to say that considering my wife as more important than myself (and dang it if she doesn't turn around and try to consider me as more important than herself), along with respect and admiration for the gifts of the other person sure helps make life enjoyable.

I get beaten up on forums for saying that I don't believe in 50-50 relationships, and I don't. What I do understand is that 100-100 model for us works a lot better.

Years ago I managed what at the time was the most powerful FM radio station in Texas. The power limit in the USA is 100,000 for a Class C station, at the top of the signal food chain. Our engineers installed not one but two 100K transmitters and operated them in synch. One could temporarily take a break for maintenance (life has maintenance too such as babies, college classes, health issues, etc) but no matter what happened we were always at 100%, even if one of the transmitters was down. When both were clicking along at 100% it was music to the company's financial ears.

Few marriages can operate at 100-100 every day of the year. Neither can FM radio transmitters. But if you have both with the attitude of giving 100%, chances are that you'll operate that way many more days of the year than not.

[Ooooops]

It is important information for other members and Newbies out there to know exactly where the "solid" advice is coming from and the other kind....... 
 

What number would disqualify an adviser, I wonder? 

[Ooooops]

Two people can enjoy a journey together immensely and for a long time,  decide amicably to take different paths, and still remain kind.     To life!

Amen to that!   

[Ooooops]

That still begs the question, when is someone an expert enough to give advice on a topic? 

How does that saying bout teacher go?   Those who can - do, those who can't - teach?..   

[LiveFromUkraine]

How does that saying bout teacher go?   Those who can - do, those who can't - teach?..   

Great!  I have a lot more to share if that is the case.