What advice can you offer me in order to prepare for a first meeting?

[Fishingguy]

as you see I'm 10 years late.

but then...anytime anywhere VS is always good. A nice green silk nightie. In Russian voice, "That VS nightis is beautiful on you Natalia, it is a shame I must tear it apart."  Note to self: must try that one day.

IINM, they open the first VS in Moscow two years ago and they may have more stores there by now, FG...

[lonedrake]

Everything I read says I should bring gifts. I plan on taking her dad a bottle of fancy tequila, her mom and sister some Native American clothes like shawls and moccasins. For her something similar and a locket. Im also going to take candy and chocolate, etc.

Other than that, I dont know what else to do or expect. Anything at this point is appreciated.

 Gifts for a first meeting are overrated IMO. You could make her feel like you are trying to buy her love. If you pack suitcases of gifts for a first date at home.....then it is natural for you and you should not change your ways. 

 The best thing to do is just be yourself.

[Faux Pas]

Gifts for a first meeting are overrated IMO. You could make her feel like you are trying to buy her love. If you pack suitcases of gifts for a first date at home.....then it is natural for you and you should not change your ways. 

 The best thing to do is just be yourself.

Lonedrake, with all due respect, that is some pretty shi**y advice. Gifts for the host(s) are not overrated in the Eastern Europeon culture. It is not only a valued custom, it's expected. It doesn't need to be anything expensive but, it is rude to show up empty handed.

 Just for some clarity, in your circle of friends in the U.S., you are invited to a friends house for dinner, do you show up empty handed?

[mendeleyev]

Several years ago when my Uncle Mikhail was still alive, he and cousin Gherman told me that on my next trip to Los Angeles (company division HQ) that I should pick up some American whiskey. They'd never tried it so I said okay and that December I was in Southern California and while there picked up a gift set with full bottle of Kentucky whiskey and a set of shot glasses for one and then grabbed another set with Tennessee whiskey and shot glasses for the second gift.

We were entering the holiday period so on the way back to Moscow the British Airways crew was passing out those little travel size bottles like they were candy and I ended up with a ridiculous number of about 18-20 tiny travel size whiskey bottles. That hatched an idea.

Holiday gifts are exchanged on New Years in the FSU and are called "new year gifts" (instead of Christmas exchanges) so Mrs. M helped me with my devious plot. We put 6-7 each of those tiny bottles in two of the tallest holiday gift bags we could find while hiding the real gifts in a cabinet.

There were about 15-16  people around the table and generally we present one gift per adult (more for kids) and when it came for my turn I stood and held those two bags at my side, pretending that they were heavy. I made a big speech about the greatness of Kentucky Whiskey and Tennessee Whiskey. Truth is, I know nothing about either. Then I made a request that they demonstrate our family loyalty and asked Uncle Mikhail and cousin Ghera to "share" the gifts in the bags with the rest of us around the family.

Of course they agreed to "share" the whiskey from these tall gift bags which undoubtedly held bottles of the finest whiskey. Well, they did hold bottles, just miniature bottles, so with great fanfare I passed the bags down the table to where each was seated. Ghera looked in his bag first and his facial expressions went from happy grin to bewilderment to a forced smile as he thanked me for this wonderful "gift" of original American whiskey.

Uncle Mikhail has similar facial expressions and so I smiled and encouraged them to "share" with everyone else at the table. Everyone began to chuckle as those tiny travel bottles started to appear from those tall gift bags and so as not to embarrass them too much I thanked them for sharing and Mrs M. helped me hand over the real bottles and gift sets--those gift sets were a big hit.

Sometime later they did get me back with a fun practical joke--well deserved. I still miss Uncle Mikhail for his wit, wisdom and good sense of humour. A good a decent man, he was hardworking and a responsible family man who had worked at the Ford Motor plant in Gorky become becoming a school teacher. Years later it seemed that he still knew every current Ford model made. May his memory be eternal.

[Ade]

Gifts for a first meeting are overrated IMO. You could make her feel like you are trying to buy her love. If you pack suitcases of gifts for a first date at home.....then it is natural for you and you should not change your ways. 

 The best thing to do is just be yourself.

I tend to agree. It's not as if you'd hardly know her let alone her family. Personally, I think it's even a little presumptuous to behave like "part of the family" when you are essentially meeting strangers. Second time around, I'd be a little more giving though. This is just my opinion based on my experiences with my wife (Arkhangelsk region) though so YMMV depending on more local customs/family traditions of the people you're meeting.

[newjason]

If you have been in correspondence with her since June you should already know what to bring as a gift, if anything at all. If she is comfortable with you she will have been dropping hints like coconuts on your head and it will be obvious if you are paying attention. If she is not dropping hints, then she may be waiting to see what you are like IRL. Either way, you should know enough about her to make an educated gift selection.

Keep in mind, any gift you give to a woman, can easily become a projectile if things go very wrong ( usually a lot later on in the relationship ) And because of this , there are good and bad gifts. For instance, heavy weapon like things tend to leave a mark in the back of your head when as you are leaving, so things like Toaster Ovens, Ginsu Knives, Baseball Bats, all make very dangerous gifts. Things like , Flowers, Literature, pillows, hallmark cards .. much better gifts and less painful in the event of a sudden change of heart and /or breakup. Again, Tazers, Braodswords, Fine China.. all bad.  Clothing ( not heels ), Poetry, and Linnens.. all good.

Of course In the previous paragraph I am joking, but not entirely. I made the mistake of buying a very nice set of cutlery for the woman I had been dating for about 3 months as I noticed she had no sharp knives at all in the house and the one semi sharp blade she did have was falling apart and missing half of the handle.. Well it turns out there was a very good reason for that... As I found out when she wanted me out and became an expert knife thrower and Impaled my backside as i was leaving during an episode of psychosis that was  like something out of the twilight zone.  Your results may vary, but you have been warned.
 

Seriously though, the best thing you can bring with you is the ability to loose your memory.  Since day 1 you have been busily  painting a picture of what that visit to her will be like. How you will act, how she will respond ..  You have had a lot of time to fill in the fine details of this picture , so it's most likely very specific and fantastic.  Well, erase all of that and get it out of your head. All of the expectations, assumptions, and behaviors that you assume about her will only confuse you (and her) when you two are finally in the same room together. All the plans, romantic whispers, sweet nothings, promises and lies are to this point a fantasy.   This will be hard to do, as she is possibly doing the same thing, and expecting you to live up to the expectations she has in her head about you. If you can remove most of those pre conceived assumptions and expectations, you can walk in there with an open mind and an open heart. That's when you will be able to really appreciate  if this person is someone you can be compatible with or not.  It will be clear to you and her within a very short time weather you are going to be having a fun week, or the week from hell, or something in between.
Always have a back up plan and a parachute when dating and skydiving. Always.




...and by back up plan, i mean other things to do and other aquaintences to visit to help you enjoy your time, not other women to date.

good luck
and enjoy

[BillyB]

Everything I read says I should bring gifts.

Bring a photo book of the state you live in. If the woman is curious about her future home, she will love looking at the book. If she isn't curious, she'll quickly set the book aside after receiving it.
 

Other than that, I dont know what else to do or expect. Anything at this point is appreciated.

Most everything you're doing is preparing for success? What will you do if things go south? Most men who go to the FSU for a woman do not end up marrying the woman. I doubt most men here married the first woman they dated at home and in the FSU.
 
I read a couple of trip reports where a guy sits in hotel and cry after things don't work out with the lady he's visiting. I'd suggest making the most out of the trip. If you have contact info of other ladies, bring it and you can meet ladies on the street or cafes you may visit.
 
You've known your lady since March so you have some of your life invested but don't force a relationship if things aren't going smooth. Watch the girls body language. When you offer your arm when walking down the street, does she happily take it or go cold on you? Be ready to move on if things are not right.
 
There's a chance she may dump you after the first date if she doesn't think she has a connection with you. Don't be upset and go after something that isn't there.

[BillyB]

Gifts for a first meeting are overrated IMO. You could make her feel like you are trying to buy her love.

My wife gave me gifts at our first meeting. It would've been a bad sign if I didn't bring her gifts. As long as the gifts are modest, a lady isn't going to think her love is being bought. If things work out between a guy and gal, the gifts will provide memories and sentimental value...except for the chocolate which gets discarded after eaten.

[mendeleyev]

While I agree that the "suitcase of gifts" can be overwhelming, some gifts are necessary if you are invited to an FSU home. Their neighbors down the street would show up with something, so for a guy to bring nothing will be most likely read as disinterest or not worth his time to be thoughtful. Simply watch how FSU folk interact and do likewise.

[I/O]

While I agree that the "suitcase of gifts" can be overwhelming, some gifts are necessary ~desirable~ if you are invited to an FSU home.

'fraid I agree with Lonedrake more than others on this one - what I did bother to do was buy flowers for everyone, not huge amounts but a bunch for everyone and...........it's not totally out of place to include Papa in the purchase. Obviously, they were bought locally and in our case, Miss, potential Mrs, I/O helped choose and purchase.
 
The critical issue IMO is timing. I didn't run round with arms full of flowers 'just in case' but the moment I was headed for someones home, I made it pretty clear to whomever I was with that I wasn't going empty handed - that seemed to be pretty well received and I'd be surprised if things have changed much.
 
There were other meetings, prior to Mrs I/O, in Russia and other countries where I did take a small gift (s) which was / were well received and even reciprocated on occasion but I never viewed this as a deal breaker one way or another and still don't.
 
What I did do after Mrs and I had apparently 'decided' to go on with things was sent gift parcels from time to time and despite all the advice of potential losses, every one arrived spot on time.
 
These days it's totally different for us - it's family and there is always a wide variety of gifts and more than seldom these are even self ordered. 
 
What I do smile about is the western punters who come in for the "every Russian man is an alcoholic" BS and the first thing they do is take hard liquor with them as gift - one thing is for sure, if I had taken alcohol as a gift, especially hard liquor, Mrs and I would not be married - apart from Mrs dislike of it, Moma would have seen to that.........
 
 

[mendeleyev]

I/O, I think we agree. I'd never show up empty handed but as stated find the suitcase full approach too much. You did fine. My recount up-thread of whiskey was for family members already related by marriage. You bring up a good point about alcohol because in some cases it could be a sore point.

Again however, even today when visiting friends or relatives we'd never show up with nothing.

[SANDRO43]

A gift of flowers shows a gentleman's touch -

Unfortunately, I had to give it up at least in 'romantic' occasions.  For some to me still inexplicable reason, every time I did it these past 35+ years, romance went downhill pretty fast .

[lonedrake]

Lonedrake, with all due respect, that is some pretty shi**y advice.

 I never brought gifts for a first date /meeting in Minnesota. It would be viewed as odd....IMO.


 

Just for some clarity, in your circle of friends in the U.S., you are invited to a friends house for dinner, do you show up empty handed?

 Depends...but these are all people I know.  I usually ask if I should bring anything. Usually just showing up is enough for most people. Maybe it runs in my family. Two years ago my sisters decided .......no more gift exchanges for Christmas.

  A small gift is fine for a first meeting, but no gift is fine too. You can buy something after you meet if things are going well.

[GQBlues]

This just goes to prove things are as subjective as the people involved.

I ultimately met 7 of the 9 women in Moscow my first time. One had a changed of mind the last minute, the other, due to some mix up, I didn't end up meeting.

From my end, I had gone to a novelty shop and picked each one a trinket/charm made out of pewter in the shape of an angel signifying friendship. It's about an inch big but the detail was impeccably amazing. I also went to Bed, Bath and Beyond and got Body Splashes and got 9 gift totes. Then when I got to the duty free, I went and got 9 small bottles of Chanel. One of the gal was a huge Shania Twain fan so I got her Shania Twain's latest CD as well.

Got to Moscow and that night I wrapped each one while rocking to the tunes of Bad Company/Counting Crows/Bob Seger/Toad The Wet Sprockets and wrote a little note on each card, slipped each inside each tote, tied a string bow with their respective  name labels.

Of the 7 gals, 5 had a gift for me. The first gal actually had gone way out of her way and actually ordered a baseball cap from her source in the US and had 'Moscow' stitched on the front. I came home with 3 variety of decorative 'faberge' egg.

The last two days in Moscow, I decided to fly out to Ekaterinberg to spend one day with one of the gal and see her one more time. When I got there, she met me at the airport at 6:30 in the morning. When we got to her place, one of her friend was standing in front of the apartment waiting for us. She was on her way out of town and just wanted to meet me. She had a box of chocolate to give to me. I had taken two of the body splashes and gave her one. The other one I gave to the gal's roommate. Flew back to Moscow that night.

I've no regret and they all were more than appreciative. I've communicated with all of these women for a good 3 months prior and it was for me the logical and natural thing to do.

Came home and called two of my female friends and gave them the last 2 bottles of Chanel I had left over.

[Faux Pas]

I never brought gifts for a first date /meeting in Minnesota. It would be viewed as odd....IMO.

Other than a flower or flowers, I never brought a gift for local dates either. In fact, it would be perceived as odd if you brought a date any more than that in the U.S., for a simple date, perhaps a bottle of wine. But, you don't have the personal emotional (and likely financial) investment in that date either. However, when one travels to Russia, Ukraine or other countries especially after extended communication, a small token of affection is classy. Spend on it what you will, that is immaterial.

Truly, it is the thought that counts, and make it from the heart. The first time I met my wife, she gave me a box of matches that looked like a tiny reading book. Only later did she tell me about the book (that actually contained matches). She made it and she made it out of actual ancient paper and text. It cost her nothing but time but, it is her. Me, on the other hand, not near as thoughtful. I brought her a few different things but, the most expensive was a $100 set of earrings. Yes, I learned a few things after that first meeting. One of which was, it isn't the value of the gift, it is the gift.

Depends...but these are all people I know.  I usually ask if I should bring anything. Usually just showing up is enough for most people. Maybe it runs in my family. Two years ago my sisters decided .......no more gift exchanges for Christmas.

  A small gift is fine for a first meeting, but no gift is fine too. You can buy something after you meet if things are going well.

At home, I never show up invited anywhere empty handed. I could bring a smoked ham, a bottle of wine or my spinach dip and Fritos. I don't know why I am that way, I just am. Short story. Once on my 2-3 trip to Russia (don't remember) I was in the airport in Memphis and saw some small tea cups with Elvis Presley's picture on them in a closeout sale. They were IIRC about 4 bucks apiece. I bought 6 of them, threw them in my bag and didn't think anything about them until I got to Russia and had a afternoon with my wife's close girlfriends. I remembered that I had them and gave all of them one. A couple of years later on another trip, I was at one of the ladies house and saw the cup. It was on the shelf with Grand pa's picture and his war metals. The cup meant dic to me but, it meant something to her and I love that.

[Ade]

This just goes to prove things are as subjective as the people involved.

I think it depends a lot on who you are going to see, how long you've been communicating for and the kind of rapport you've developed.

That first time, I vaguely remember asking my wife if she wanted anything from duty free and she requested a bottle of some relatively inexpensive stuff that wasn't easily available to her - she offered to pay for it as well I think, lol. Once we'd been together for a few days I bought her something a little more extravagant (for March 8th which just happened to coincide with my visit). We met outside of her home town so no family to see. When I finally did meet her mother some months later, I gave her some flowers.

If I'd been meeting a bunch of women like you, I think I'd probably given them some flowers at most.

[Fashionista]

Hi everyone. I've been "Missing in Action" from this board, but I'm still on track to visiting the girl who I have been corresponding with since March. She just finished college and has recently been hired, and for me, I have also just started a new job, so the first meet was pushed into October.

Now, I haven't done blind dates, setups, etc. I have only dated people that I have met in real life so I am completely in way over my head. I will be staying in her city for 5 days, arriving Friday and departing Thursday morning. The next few days, I'm going to visit my college friends from Moscow, so I'm also looking forward to that.

Everything I read says I should bring gifts. I plan on taking her dad a bottle of fancy tequila, her mom and sister some Native American clothes like shawls and moccasins. For her something similar and a locket. Im also going to take candy and chocolate, etc.

Other than that, I dont know what else to do or expect. Anything at this point is appreciated.

For her
1. a small souvenir. Imagine you are coming back from a foreign country where you've been on vacation. What would you bring to give to your close friends? Something small but specific to this country, just for fun. Don't bring any big items, please.
2. Flowers. Non negotiable. Odd number. Unless you want a conversation starter. Yep, let her lecture you on Russian culture, bring her a dozen of roses 

[mendeleyev]

I never brought gifts for a first date /meeting in Minnesota. It would be viewed as odd....IMO.

True.

Just as true is that not many of your Minnesota friends would wait for you to take off your shoes at the front door so that they could hand you a pair of guest slippers.

Nor would your Minnesota friends refuse to shake your hand across a door threshold.

When Mrs. M and I visit friends or relatives, because of FSU culture and tradition, we wouldn't dream of showing up without a small token of either flowers for the hostess and/or a box of chocolates to share.

[Jersey Guy]

Hi everyone. I've been "Missing in Action" from this board, but I'm still on track to visiting the girl who I have been corresponding with since March. She just finished college and has recently been hired, and for me, I have also just started a new job, so the first meet was pushed into October.

Now, I haven't done blind dates, setups, etc. I have only dated people that I have met in real life so I am completely in way over my head. I will be staying in her city for 5 days, arriving Friday and departing Thursday morning. The next few days, I'm going to visit my college friends from Moscow, so I'm also looking forward to that.

Everything I read says I should bring gifts. I plan on taking her dad a bottle of fancy tequila, her mom and sister some Native American clothes like shawls and moccasins. For her something similar and a locket. Im also going to take candy and chocolate, etc.

Other than that, I dont know what else to do or expect. Anything at this point is appreciated.

Yes, some Native American articles are a good idea. As an example, my Fiancé and I visited the Canyons area last year. At a shop just outside of Bryce Canyon there was a Native American section. She was interested in the deity Kokopelli. So, we had the guy at the shop explain to us the history of Kokopelli. In short he is the God of Fertility, with a little more explanation. She listened intently and wanted something with Kokopelli. When we got out in the car I asked her if she understood what he said and she said no not really but he sounded interesting. After I explained it to her she seemed a little embarrassed but,  when we got to the Grand Canyon she said she wanted to get one for her brother too.
So, Kokopelli could be an interesting conversation piece, but maybe not on a first meeting.

[GQBlues]

I think it depends a lot on who you are going to see, how long you've been communicating for and the kind of rapport you've developed.

That first time, I vaguely remember asking my wife if she wanted anything from duty free and she requested a bottle of some relatively inexpensive stuff that wasn't easily available to her - she offered to pay for it as well I think, lol. Once we'd been together for a few days I bought her something a little more extravagant (for March 8th which just happened to coincide with my visit). We met outside of her home town so no family to see. When I finally did meet her mother some months later, I gave her some flowers.

If I'd been meeting a bunch of women like you, I think I'd probably given them some flowers at most.

Flowers....Yes, I understand, but always had an apprehension what it generally represented to me, Ade. I really didn't want to cross over the line of getting too deep personally and intimately without ever meeting any of the women in person.

But having said that, I still fell prey to it prior to my first visit. The period of the initial writing period happened to include February and March - my trip happened in April. This was also the time I stumbled upon RWG. Long story short, I had my long list in February (20+) and the shortened list by March (+14). I had to be fair and unbiased during those times, so what I sent to Olga is what I also had to send Svetlana, Irina, Lena, etc...

$$$ 

I stayed in Tverskaya Marriot in Moscow and at the time they didn't have a florist in the hotel, nor anywhere close that I was aware of. So logistically, meeting schedules, timing etc...didn't lend itself feasible for me to harness flowers on call since I was more or less meeting them spontaneously...I did send that gal from Yaroslav who backed out the last minute a bouquet.

Besides, like your wife's sentiment - by the time one of that gal got her flowers for March 8 - the one whom I eventually married - she told me how much she liked flowers and very much appreciate the gesture, but asked me to forego sending her flowers because she found out how much they cost foreigners.

[matthew20]

So you have never seen this woman before? Just pictures? Almost every middle class Russian woman has a means of skype or messaging. Alot of younger eastern European adults have VK (eastern Facebook). I wouldn't go overboard with gifts, but something small would be nice for the family. You still need to see if you have the same physical and mental attraction when you are together. Also make sure that you have means of transportation and know the nearest embassy in case things get hairy. I exchanged a lot of personal information and hours on skype everyday before I visited my woman. I know a lot of people that only use e-mail as a form of communication but be careful. Good luck, and if you have any further questions, just ask.

[Shadow]

A gift of flowers shows a gentleman's touch -

Unfortunately, I had to give it up at least in 'romantic' occasions.  For some to me still inexplicable reason, every time I did it these past 35+ years, romance went downhill pretty fast .

Choosing an uneven number is good. But having a preference for 13 might get you in trouble. 

[Shadow]

To prepare for a first meeting the first thing you need to do is calm down your hormones. Even if your head is full of fantasies on what might happen, tell her that a first meeting is just to see if there is compatibility and anything can happen.
Keep your cool and understand that is can turn out negative as well as positive, and do not cling to fantasies when it does.
Understand that you are not there to buy someone, nor to offer a job to the vacancy of wife. She is not your tour guide for sightseeing, you are not her wallet for holidays or shopping.
Listen carefully to her plans, and let her do the planning, just keep some options you wish to see in her surroundings as backup in case you are asked for suggestions.
Focus on meeting and getting to know the person, if possible her surroundings, family and friends. While plans can and do change at the last moment, if all her friends suddenly 'become unavailable' note it as a sign she may have played a part in it.
Expect anything, force nothing.