Married to same FSU for the last 12 years thinks I am a Russian husband etc.

[anonymouse]

Married to same FSU for the last 12 years thinks I am a Russian husband and still CONTROLS MY MONEY because, I now get my monthly British State Pension which by Russian standards is good money big mistake all goes into her Russian Ruble account with VTB24 local bank can`t lay my mitts on this and yet I had a BACK PAYMENT from my last 65th Birthday last Feb 2012 GOOD MONEY and I have given her as MONEY GIFT to keep a happy medium etc.

Anyway the long and short of it I WANT OUT and OUT OF RUSSIA still won`t change her attitude and still pleads POVERTY all this ruddy money I am 67 y/o next Feb 2014 not getting any younger marriage is up and down like the proverbial YO YO you know what I mean. Arguments are frequent we sleep apart as she SNORES her ruddy head of as for me I am a light sleeper etc. etc.

Lastly, I won`t bore you I am still waiting for a NEW VISA have been for a long time and yet SHE WILL NOT HELP ME AS A FOREIGNER and a BRITISH CITIZEN I am so scared of this  F S U not knowing what makes her mind tick what the hell does she want from me ?  I am kind and honest very caring very quiet good sense of British humor very loving very fit for my age NON-SMOKER NON-DRINKER eat sensibly and so on and so forth so, WHAT`S NEXT PEOPLE you are only human just the same as I what would you do in a situation like this I CALL IT ' CATCH 22'
Thank you for your precious as I don`t really know what else I can do and my STATE PENSION OF 27,000 RUBLES A MONTH OR 516.00 U K POUNDS A MONTH got my 1st payment we will spend this together scenario next monthly payment is on the 8th of January the same amount for the rest of my days I AM ABSOLUTELY PEED OFF and yet I dare not put a foot wrong I call her " THE BLACK WIDOW " sorry F S U women, are they all like this or what ? or do I have a rotten apple ?
Thank you and keep the BRITISH STIFF UPPER LIP IN STUCK HERE MODE !!  <<  she surely does this alright !!!

 

[Hammer2722]

Was there ever anything about your wife that was so good you would marry such a person? 

[Daveman]

This story seems very familiar - from 2011:


http://www.russianwomendiscussion.com/index.php?topic=13823.msg275003#msg275003


I also think there was another preceding that one...


Why the name switch? 


Anyway, why can't you just visit "home", and change your direct deposit info?  If you can't, then you are being held captive, so escape and go to the nearest British Embassy.

[Gator]

This story seems very familiar - from 2011:


http://www.russianwomendiscussion.com/index.php?topic=13823.msg275003#msg275003

anonymouse,

Reap what you sow.  You are now reaping. 


Do you really want to return to Scotland?  Unless you have some assets hidden away, I do not see how you can have a reasonable life on £516/mo?  In Russia your wife is supporting you with income from her rental properties.  I understand money is tight, and that you feel she is controlling you by taking your pension.  However, maybe such strict budget controls are necessary or otherwise you would have nothing but cabbage and potatoes to eat.   


There had to be something to hold the two of together for this long.  Have the two of you tried counseling?
If she was here at RWD, what would she say about you?  Be honest. 

[GQBlues]

...Anyway the long and short of it I WANT OUT and OUT OF RUSSIA still won`t change her attitude and still pleads POVERTY all this ruddy money I am 67 y/o next Feb 2014 not getting any younger.... 

...which likely means your wife's age is roughyl late 30s/early 40s, right? LOL. Yeah....she's getting too old for you, man.

So, look at the bright side. You can get divorce ASAP then turn right around and go to Ukraine and get a younger one and start over.

Take comfort that you have a lot of seasoned experts here that did just that that can give you support and advice in how to accomplish this easily.

[Wayne]

You know, most Russian men don't live to be 67 years old. Perhaps your wife is thinking about what happens to her after you are gone?
 
Besides, your pension is not that much for living in Russia. It would go further in Ukraine.
 
Perhaps you don't know how to budget your funds?

[mies]

IMHO, if Mouse is unhappy in the marriage - he should leave. He will rely on his pension, and live happily ever after back in UK. Technically, what his wife does to him qualifies as financial abuse and emotional abuse (since she makes him ask/plea to buy him basic things and this is very humiliating for an adult). Often men are abusing their wives in this way, but sometimes women abuse their husbands. And to me it looks like this is what has been going on.

At the same time, knowing the prices in Russia, I think that OP's pension barely covers his food and other basic things consumption and his portion of the bills. If he wants the money to come to his account, he will still have to give his wife major portion of his pension to contribute to the budget. If he were to divoce and stay in Russia, it is unlikely he will be able to afford to rent anything decent in major cities and have money left for other bills, food and clothes. He definitely won't be able to buy any real estate with these money, neither in Russia nor in Ukraine. If he wants/is eager to move to smaller towns - I recommend checking smaller towns in Russia or Ukraine, and looking for women of approximately his age, preferably relatively poor - this way his contribution will be significant, who own an apartment or house, marry them and do a joint bank/pension account. Also check if the woman snores, beforehand. Also, since he is married to RW for 12 years, I presume he should speak at least SOME Russian language.
He doesn't expect that since his wife earns more, she should be his sugar-mommy and he will have his pension all to himself, does he?

If his question, however, is that he wants to leave but 500 british pounds/month are too little to live on in Glasgow, and he wants to both divorce her and to get a chunk of his wife's property/savings thinking that 500/mo plus 50K in bank account plus quiet peaceful nights is a sweet deal - I don't think he will be able to do that.


Regardless of what he plans to do, I think Mouse should contact the UK organizations that help victims of domestic abuse, and tell them his story, and ask for their advice and help. I do think that he is being abused, and am sure they will be very helpful. There is nothing shameful in asking for help if you need it.

On the snoring problem: simple ear plugs, sold at any pharmacy, do miracles for happiness and peace in family. If the snoring is too loud, the problem can be fixed surgically, it's a fairly basic procedure, I heard.

If Mouse wants to both stay married and have more financial freedom - I think he should ask inquire from all official institutions/sources what are the bills for the apartment he is living in, calculate their household spending (grocery and everything else), and change the conditions of direct deposit. The amount of his pension equal to 50% of their household spending should go directly to his wife's account. The rest goes to his account and he can do anything he desires with it. He doesn't need to tell his wife beforehand he plans to do it. Just do it, and deal with her anger after when it's already the done deal.

[mies]

anonymouse,

Reap what you sow.  You are now reaping. 


Do you really want to return to Scotland?  Unless you have some assets hidden away, I do not see how you can have a reasonable life on £516/mo?  In Russia your wife is supporting you with income from her rental properties.  I understand money is tight, and that you feel she is controlling you by taking your pension.  However, maybe such strict budget controls are necessary or otherwise you would have nothing but cabbage and potatoes to eat.   


There had to be something to hold the two of together for this long.  Have the two of you tried counseling?
If she was here at RWD, what would she say about you?  Be honest.

I think an RW in Russia would go to a counselor over an army of dead bodies. :-(

[LiveFromUkraine]

When you're strange
Faces come out of the rain
When you're strange
No one remembers your name
When you're strange
When you're strange
When you're strange


I can't get this song out of my head for some reason.

[Boethius]

anonymouse,

Reap what you sow.  You are now reaping. 

How do you know that? 


I tend to agree with mies.  If he is unhappy, there are no children to bind them, and he should do what will make him happy.

[Slumba]

A little bit confused here ... can't you get in touch with the people handling your pension, and direct it to a bank account of your choice?  You should ABSOLUTELY do this ASAP.

Stand up!  Push back a little!  Are you a man or a mouse?


 I am kind and honest very caring very quiet good sense of British humor very loving very fit for my age NON-SMOKER NON-DRINKER eat sensibly and so on and so forth so

There is your problem right there!  Women claim they want nice men; well, some do, but what they can't stand are "pushovers".  Now you need to re-adjust the situation, take charge a little bit.

Maybe this article will prove instructive ...

http://www.latimes.com/science/sciencenow/la-sci-sn-better-to-be-right-than-happy-20131217,0,5791072.story

As part of an unusual experiment, the husband was instructed to “agree with his wife’s every opinion and request without complaint,” and to continue doing so “even if he believed the female participant was wrong,” according to a report on the research that was published Tuesday by the British Medical Journal.

(snipped)

Enter the intrepid husband. Based on the assumption that men would rather be happy than be right, he was told to agree with his wife in all cases. However, based on the assumption that women would rather be right than be happy, the doctors decided not to tell the wife why her husband was suddenly so agreeable.

Both spouses were asked to rate their quality of life on a scale of 1 to 10 (with 10 being the happiest) at the start of the experiment and again on Day 6. It’s not clear how long the experiment was intended to last, but it came to an abrupt halt on Day 12.

“By then the male participant found the female participant to be increasingly critical of everything he did,” the researchers reported. The husband couldn’t take it anymore, so he made his wife a cup of tea and told her what had been going on.

That led the researchers to terminate the study.

Over the 12 days of the experiment, the husband’s quality of life plummeted from a baseline score of 7 all the way down to 3. The wife started out at 8 and rose to 8.5 by Day 6. She had no desire to share her quality of life with the researchers on Day 12, according to the report.

[mies]

A little bit confused here ... can't you get in touch with the people handling your pension, and direct it to a bank account of your choice?  You should ABSOLUTELY do this ASAP.

Stand up!  Push back a little!  Are you a man or a mouse?


 I am kind and honest very caring very quiet good sense of British humor very loving very fit for my age NON-SMOKER NON-DRINKER eat sensibly and so on and so forth so

There is your problem right there!  Women claim they want nice men; well, some do, but what they can't stand are "pushovers".  Now you need to re-adjust the situation, take charge a little bit.

Maybe this article will prove instructive ...

http://www.latimes.com/science/sciencenow/la-sci-sn-better-to-be-right-than-happy-20131217,0,5791072.story

"The study was released as part of the journal’s annual Christmas issue, which features offbeat and humorous research on topics like James Bond’s drinking habits and whether redheads are more appealing to vampires.

http://www.latimes.com/science/sciencenow/la-sci-sn-better-to-be-right-than-happy-20131217,0,5791072.story#ixzz2o8ewQ8NJ   

"

Well, this is the type of life "traditional" women are brought up to live, & men are taught they they are entitled to have an agreeable wife because "they are always right and they know everything better and make better decisions and judgements anyway so if their wife doesn't agree with them - she is apparently wrong and stubborn (bad quality, bad woman)". Researcher merely gave the male participants of the test the taste of "traditional woman life" and gave the female participants of the test to feel what does it mean to be a man in a "traditional" relationship. So now think for a moment what quality of lives man and woman in "traditional" relationship have, and what exactly men want when they write in their profile "I want to find a traditional woman" - the comment that always puts me off.

Although it was meant as a humorous experiment,  but it is quite sad.

[LiveFromUkraine]

So is this guy a prisoner or something? 


I don't doubt he couldn't change where his money is being sent.  If he doesn't have money to get out of dodge, he should look into getting a credit card or help from family members until he can sort out the banking details on his pension.


If he really wants to leave, I am sure he can find a way... I can't get that damn tune out of my head.

[Gator]

How do you know that? 
.

My Baptist Sunday School teacher.

[Gator]

I guess Mouse's wife has taken the computer away from him.

[mies]

I guess Mouse's wife has taken the computer away from him.

Or maybe he is using it from an internet cafe, or while wife is not at home running errands. It's weekend now, most likely the wife is around and Mouse cannot get any personal time to read and post.

[Slumba]

"The study was released as part of the journal’s annual Christmas issue, which features offbeat and humorous research on topics like James Bond’s drinking habits and whether redheads are more appealing to vampires.

http://www.latimes.com/science/sciencenow/la-sci-sn-better-to-be-right-than-happy-20131217,0,5791072.story#ixzz2o8ewQ8NJ   

"

Well, this is the type of life "traditional" women are brought up to live, & men are taught they they are entitled to have an agreeable wife because "they are always right and they know everything better and make better decisions and judgements anyway so if their wife doesn't agree with them - she is apparently wrong and stubborn (bad quality, bad woman)". Researcher merely gave the male participants of the test the taste of "traditional woman life" and gave the female participants of the test to feel what does it mean to be a man in a "traditional" relationship. So now think for a moment what quality of lives man and woman in "traditional" relationship have, and what exactly men want when they write in their profile "I want to find a traditional woman" - the comment that always puts me off.

Although it was meant as a humorous experiment,  but it is quite sad.

Just because it is offbeat or humourous, doesn't invalidate it, however.  Clearly agreeing all the time is a mistake for the man...

[Boethius]

My Baptist Sunday School teacher.

But you would not tell a woman whose husband refused to help her with her passport issues, or whose husband took all her money, that she had reaped what she has sown, would you?

[mies]

Just because it is offbeat or humourous, doesn't invalidate it, however.  Clearly agreeing all the time is a mistake for the man human being (male and female)...

there, corrected for you. You are welcome :-)

[Gator]

But you would not tell a woman whose husband refused to help her with her passport issues, or whose husband took all her money, that she had reaped what she has sown, would you?

Set aside for a moment the charges made by Anonymouse and look at a bigger picture. 

1.  Based on the clues he presents, he is nearly penniless.  This partly results from his decision to retire at 55 if not earlier and move to Russia and thus not save more money for his golden years.   

2.  He chose his wife, and I am sure they had some wonderful times together at first.  However, something happened such that his life is now miserable.  I am certain he contributed to the something.   Why do I say that?  Because I believe in marriage both partners share responsibility for problems unless one is psychotic.

3.     Now consider the charges.  Do you believe he can not go to the British embassy and figure out some way for him to return to the UK?   Quite possibly the problem is that anonymouse is a miserable old man (and all that such entails). 

 

[mies]

Set aside for a moment the charges made by Anonymouse and look at a bigger picture. 

1.  Based on the clues he presents, he is nearly penniless.  This partly results from his decision to retire at 55 if not earlier and move to Russia and thus not save more money for his golden years.   

2.  He chose his wife, and I am sure they had some wonderful times together at first.  However, something happened such that his life is now miserable.  I am certain he contributed to the something.   Why do I say that?  Because I believe in marriage both partners share responsibility for problems unless one is psychotic.

3.     Now consider the charges.  Do you believe he can not go to the British embassy and figure out some way for him to return to the UK?   Quite possibly the problem is that anonymouse is a miserable old man (and all that such entails). 

 

For the sake of his own well-being - IMHO, Mouse needs to think where he will get better state-provided health care: in Russia or in UK. Supposedly anything to happen to him - a stroke (God forbid) or partial memory loss, or some sort of mental dysfunction. Supposedly his health condition will deteriorate with age to the level that he will require some medical assistance and his presence will become an annoying factor to people in his household. (I'm drawing here the worst case scenario).
Penniless - with no disposable income, a foreigner in Russia, without support of closest relatives - the remaining portion of his life will likely be uncomfortable, painful and short. I am not trying to say that his wife is a bad woman, but what if Mouse will need to be hospitalized into a state-run Russian medical institution, and remain there indefinitely? And his wife will have him out of her house and will keep collecting his pension at her account monthly. An unlikely scenario? Perhaps unlikely. A possible scenario? Definitely possible.

Will Mouse get a better subsidized/free medical treatment in UK? I don't know. Maybe he will, maybe he won't. He knows UK better, so he can answer that question.

There are many volunteer organizations in Russia helping orphanages and "retirement facilities". In Russia (don't know if this is the case of UK or USA as well) the people with disabilities and old lonely people are assigned to the same facilities. There are some horror stories - both from volunteers and in the modern literature about conditions these people sometimes end up living in.

Here is a volunteer organization which helps such people (old and lonely or young and disabled): http://www.starikam.org/
One of their initiatives is to find the pen-pals for people in these state-run facilities. They say that many of these people are very lonely, and even if they cannot write back, they still are very happy to have a "friend" or "adopted relative" from whom they can receive news and letters, postcards for holidays and so on.
If you look in the photo-album - you can see that many of the "old" people aren't really that old. Anything between late 50s and 80.
Young people who are disabled (sometimes physically, sometimes a mild mental or learning disability) - come from orphanages, since they were diagnosed in early age "disabled" or "with learning disability" - they were deprived of education and normal intellectual development.
Here is the album from "the facility for disabled and old":
http://www.starikam.org/albom/category/C8/

 Here is another group of volunteers, not associated with any NGO:
- http://together.ru/
and one of their initiatives - helping old people who live alone in Russian villages, also helping rural families with disabled children or with many children: http://together.ru/forum/posts/1331
there are several reports with photos on their trips to these people.

For example, here: http://ru-the-people.livejournal.com/18420.html
They have learned about an 82yo woman who lives alone. It was winter, she didn't have wood for her stove, and didn't have money to buy it. So she was staying in the middle of the winter in the house that was falling apart, the water in the house was frozen, she could not cook because the stove didn't work (no wood), and the only food she had was some wheat flour and remainders of bread and a bit of potato that she grows in summer at the land plot adjacent to her house. So she was lying in her bed, shivering from cold, and praying to God to send someone who would help her. 
Look at the photos of her house and this poor woman.
This is how "good" life in Russia is, for common folks, pensioners, rural people in remote villages, disabled, old, etc. On a more positive note: the fact that such volunteer initiatives exist, is a very good sign and shows that there are many good people in Russia. To address Mouse's question whether Russian women are bad.

[Jumper]

This story seems very familiar - from 2011:


http://www.russianwomendiscussion.com/index.php?topic=13823.msg275003#msg275003


I also think there was another preceding that one...


Why the name switch? 


Anyway, why can't you just visit "home", and change your direct deposit info?  If you can't, then you are being held captive, so escape and go to the nearest British Embassy.

It seemed very familiar.




Mouse, no women arn't all alike, and regardless if she is  a saint , or if you are,
if you are truly unhappy in your situation , there are ways to change it.


What have you done since the last post like this a couple years ago?

[jazztropy]

This is a post similar to one in Russian World Forum.   No follow ups either.  The user just vented on one post then vanished.