Fears about a new country

[dant244]

Hi all,

My girlfriend and I are in the middle of the marriage visa process and everything about our relationship is really great.  We spend every day using Yahoo messenger with video so we can talk and see each other.  I have visited her both in Moscow and in her home town of Vladivostok for weeks at a time.  She has a son who is 6 and we get along great.  We both really love each other and cannot wait to be together and to be a family.  She wants to come to America but she has fears especially with her son being able to adjust.  I live near the San Francisco area, and I have tried to be as honest about the adjustment as I can, saying that it will be hard but that I will support her and that her son will be like many others who come here without knowing the language.  I want to know how anyone else has dealt with the fear of coming to a new country.  Do you think being afraid will make her and her son's adjustment impossible?  Thanks for any help.

[BC]

Mothers' concern clearly lies with the kids and that's ok and quite normal.

You can pass on that kids have the easiest time adjusting and learning the new language, especially at younger ages.  This is my direct experience watching three youngsters start school not knowing one word of their new language.  All did very well and in a short time (6 months or so) were making same or better grades as the others, even in language studies.

IMHO it's best to plan arrival during summer break.  Getting into school at the beginning of the year makes it easier.  We decided to leave our daughter in RU until school finished.  This gave time for my wife and I to lay the groundwork here first.

Here in IT such children are placed in normal classes and not segregated into 'special' classes.  Even physically and mentally challenged kids  go to normal classes for their age group (if necessary a full time in-class assistant is provided).  This seems to help kids regard each other as 'normal' and not exceptions.  I think this is important but don't know how such is handled in your area.

Check with the school and plan for lots of dedicated time together the first few months after arrival.

Your adjustment might be more difficult than theirs

[Jet]

My experience is very close to BC's. I don't know if the situation allows for it, but Liliya and I decided that little Niko would "follow to Join" (an option that lets him travel up to 1 year later than her, and only available to K-1/K-2). This allowed Liliya to make sure America was not *too weird* for her and also let her get settled in and self secure before taking on the added stress and demand of a 5 yr old son.

Niko stayed with his grandparents and the following summer came to the US just 1 week before school started. 2 yrs later he is fluent & bilingual, after walking into kindergarten knowing exactly 3 words in English.

[jb]

While I'm sure Niko is an exceptional lad and one day will be a captain of industry, in this case he's the rule rather than the exception.  Young minds absorb information very quickly.  As the kids get older, as with the case of Dima, the incentive was how long was it going to take to get fluent enough to go on a date.  He started high school here at age 14, and graduated at age 15, and that is not a typo.  Yep, just blew 'em away, of course he's 20 now and will receive his MSEE next year.  It's true he's a very bright young man, but more importantly, he's the product of a Russian mother who was determined he would learn.  One trait you need to realize about RWs, they dote on their sons, watch over them like a mother bear, protect and spoil them, but they also make them do their homework.

If you can get your 6. y.o. into a decent school, he'll do fine.  In all probability, with the cute accent he'll develope, he will be the teacher's pet in every class.  Like Jet said, just put him in school and a year later you'll have a little American kid on your hands. 

[catzenmouse]

Our experience with Sergei mirrors this as well. He was 4 1/2 when he came here with no English skills and just being around it (with us working with him on basic stuff with books, educational computer games, etc) and television got him to a reasonable point so that when he started kindergarten he was doing fine. For an hour or two a day he and other kids in the school to to an ESL class but he's already far enough ahead here that he will not continue with ESL during the Summer or next year. His teacher told us that not only does he speak better English than some of the kids who were born here but she is excited that his SOL test scores at the end of the year will bring her whole class level up. Rotton kid is already smarter than I'll ever be...

Ken

[jb]

Rotten kid is already smarter than I'll ever be... Grin

Both of my step-sons are that way.  Anecdotally, a while back I was helping Dima with a school math problem and he was amazed that I didn't use a calculator.  I explained to him that I had to learn all the same engineering math he is working on, and back in the 1960's all I had was a #2 pencil and a Big Chief tablet.  Kids now-a-days do not understand a world without electronic calculators,,, sad...

(Of course, I did have a big old 10 inch K&E, Log, Log, Decimal-Trig slide rule always handy for the drudge work,,, I didn't tell him that though).

[ConnerVT]

I'm going to approach this question from a different angle, for I pretty much agree with what the others have written.  To let dant know, my son was 5 when he arrived with his mother 2+ years ago.  He also made the adjustment quickly, as I believe is typical at that age.

I want to address fear.  It is normal to be apprehensive of the unknown, and relocating more than a third of the way around the planet without people you know (or can easily communicate with) is understandable.  I'd be more concerned if there was no fear.  This would be indicative of a greater problem.

The question is, how does a person respond to their fears?  Are they frozen by them, unable to move?  Are they able to act rationally in the face of them?  Building a multicultural family requires a bit of bravery by all involved.  As well as a lot of work -- especially on your part.

Do all the people have the traits and skills they need to do it?

[viking]

(Of course, I did have a big old 10 inch K&E, Log, Log, Decimal-Trig slide rule always handy for the drudge work,,, I didn't tell him that though).

[/quote]

JB

I still have one of those. Damn if I remember how to use it any more. Showed it to my kids and they were amazed we did it that way. (Dad, how do you plug it in?)LOL.

[BC]

Was just thinking about my dad (ex math/physics teacher) using one of those.. it was an art.

[jb]

...index the smaller, hair line the larger.....

[BC]

gawd jb.. what memories... are we getting old?..... LOL

[jb]

are we getting old?

Unfortunately, yes, we are.  An old and dieing generation, but we were a lot smarter than anyone before us, and prolly anyone after us.  If that's any consulation.

[vlxv]

Wish I had my trusty K&E too.

But to the point - if your girlfriend and child can get to you before the end of July, you can show them Fort Ross.

Did you know that Russia had a trading company established up around Jenner? Every summer they have a historical reenactment day. And the group I used to sing with http://slavyanka.org/ , performs there. There is horseback riding. They shoot off muskets. They shoot off cannons! A six-year old should get into this! http://www.fortrossstatepark.org/main.htm

[PeeWee]

Hi all,

My girlfriend and I are in the middle of the marriage visa process and everything about our relationship is really great.  We spend every day using Yahoo messenger with video so we can talk and see each other.  I have visited her both in Moscow and in her home town of Vladivostok for weeks at a time.  She has a son who is 6 and we get along great.  We both really love each other and cannot wait to be together and to be a family.  She wants to come to America but she has fears especially with her son being able to adjust.  I live near the San Francisco area, and I have tried to be as honest about the adjustment as I can, saying that it will be hard but that I will support her and that her son will be like many others who come here without knowing the language.  I want to know how anyone else has dealt with the fear of coming to a new country.  Do you think being afraid will make her and her son's adjustment impossible?  Thanks for any help.

It this your fear, her fear, or his fear? I bet the kid is looking forward to it. I have a neighbor who came here from Latvia. He told me that his son adapted quickly. Lost his Lavian accent quickly, and was miles ahead in his school studies than his American counterparts were.

I have another friend whose son is coming to US from Russia this summer to work. He has not one thought in his mind other than to get hear and experience America for all it is. Only his mother is apprehensive about the trip.

I would think that anyone who lives in Vlad-k would be happy as hell to get out of that armpit excuse for a city.

Peewee

[Son of Clyde]

My wife was writing telling me she and her son would be like helpless infants in the US. Just 5 months after their arrival she has a drivers license, Mike on his second day in the US was walking around taking photographs and walking up to strangers in the supermarket to say hello. A lady in the supermarket had to tell my wife not to leave her handbag on the shopping cart and walk away. She thought I was being overly cautious by telling her this. In a matter of weeks it was as if they had been living here for years.

The funny thing about food shopping is the many brands of the same product. She has her favorites now after testing them. It was hit or miss because I don't like sour cream, buttermilk or cheese so I could not advise her of what brands were the best.

[PeeWee]

My wife was writing telling me she and her son would be like helpless infants in the US. Just 5 months after their arrival she has a drivers license, Mike on his second day in the US was walking around taking photographs and walking up to strangers in the supermarket to say hello. A lady in the supermarket had to tell my wife not to leave her handbag on the shopping cart and walk away. She thought I was being overly cautious by telling her this. In a matter of weeks it was as if they had been living here for years.

The funny thing about food shopping is the many brands of the same product. She has her favorites now after testing them. It was hit or miss because I don't like sour cream, buttermilk or cheese so I could not advise her of what brands were the best.

You tell it well, Clyde. These are but a few of the experiences that I am looking forward to.

Peewee

[LatinSwede]

In my case, neither of us have a child.  However, the lack of English skill, and adjusting to new suroudings is an issue that frequently comes up with us.  She told me she was afraid of looking follish and stupid over here.  To comfort her, I tell her about how often I felt awkward and out of place on her home turf. My Russian is still far from being at the level of Tolstoy.  As much Russian as I've learned, I still ruin the grammer here and there.  As well, I still mess I the most simple social customs.  There were times I flet like I wanted to just go back in my apartment, hide my head under a blanket and not come out again.  My first 2 trips, to Ukraine I felt like that for sure.  Since it's just the 2 of us, we'll find plenty of simple day to day things to get her adjusted.  She love the outdoors and picnics.  I'm sure she'll love seeing the local parks, or even take long walks to the neighborhood.