To Moby

[Boethius]

Then, you 'lost' me, sorry

Hello moby, I didn't want this to derail the previous thread.

Your response, i.e. that your stepson helped diffuse situations was about your relationship with his mother.  My assertion (from day 1 on this forum) is that children don't have a say in your relationship, even though they are affected by that relationship, often, not for the better, and that it is usually best to wait until children are grown before embarking on a second marriage.

Children, no matter their age, should never be put in the middle of a relationship, even for such mundane things as explaining what was really said or meant.

If a relationship fails, that child, who had no say in being part of the relationship, is put in the position of having lost or been separated from a parent figure yet again.  It is manifestly unfair to children.  FSU-WM relationships, particularly those with North American men, are based on profoundly different cultures, different languages, different norms, and, most important, lack of time together, which means not really knowing the person who you are marrying, though we are all strangers until we live with someone. 

Introducing a child to a relationship when one is from the same cultural and socio economic background is difficult enough.  To do so with children is even more difficult. 

We, as adults, neglect the desires and the wants of our children's emotional lives in many ways.  We assume they will just adjust, that they can roll with the punches.  But it's not the case.  I could always tell, among my children's playmates, which children came from blended families.  It was always very subtle things.  I could also always tell which children were raised by nannies.  I don't suggest that two parent families do not have their own levels of dysfunction, but usually, there is a security there that children in blended families often don't have, whether it is real or just perceived that way by the children.

[BillyB]

it is usually best to wait until children are grown before embarking on a second marriage

Children should be everybody's #1 priority in their lives. A spouse should be everybody's #2 priority. A job and house are important too. It's not healthy to neglect all other priorities to take care of the #1 priority. It sets a bad example for the kids when a parent who desires a spouse is not happy and an unhappy parent is not a good parent.

Introducing a child to a relationship when one is from the same cultural and socio economic background is difficult enough.  To do so with children is even more difficult. 

I live in an area where there are a lot of immigrants around the world, especially from the FSU. Kids moving to a new life and culture, learning a new language and surrounded by new kids in school almost always adapt better than their parents. Kids are tougher than you think.

We, as adults, neglect the desires and the wants of our children's emotional lives in many ways. 

We can make improvements in that area but if we neglect our own desires, needs, and wants, we don't set a good example for our kids.


My kids get along great with my wife and we do all kinds of activities together. I'm not worried their growth and future is in jeopardy over my marriage. If anything, they are better off seeing how healthy relationship functions. Their mother isn't remarried so I'll set the example. The key is marrying a good person.

[ML]

If anything, they are better off seeing how healthy relationship functions.

Just a small note:  I remember clearly one FSUW whom I 'went far down the road with,' remarked a couple of times how she was happy that we spent time with her two teenage daughters.  Her idea was it was great that her daughters got to see how a nice man/woman relationship worked in practice. 

Maybe a common refrain, but apparently her ex had treated her very badly in front of the girls.  And (I had never heard of this situation before) even told the girls that their mother was 'not good at sex.'

Actually, after some 'development,' the woman was very good at sex.  But I never told the daughters this.

[BillyB]

Her idea was it was great that her daughters got to see how a nice man/woman relationship worked in practice. 

A person can tell their kids how a good relationship is suppose to be. A student can go to college on get taught on how a healthy relationship is supposed to be but there's nothing like on the job experience and if a kid can see that everyday at home, he/she will be better off.

apparently her ex had treated her very badly in front of the girls.  And (I had never heard of this situation before) even told the girls that their mother was 'not good at sex.'

The lady's previous relationship with the girls father was unhealthy and it increases the risk getting into an unhealthy relationship themselves and accepting the fact this is the way a husband acts.


If everybody remained unmarried after a divorce, it will teach kids marriage isn't valuable. Two good parents are better than one anytime. There are so many single men and women parents that want to get back into a relationship whether it's short term or marriage that it's basically human nature to be attached to another person. Right now my 13 year old son likes spending time with his cousins and friends. He doesn't need me(daddy) to focus only on him and be attached to him 24/7. If I did that, he'd be turned off and push me away. Then I'd eventually lose him. So when he asks for friends to come over or spend the night at friends, I usually say "yes" and he thanks me and later says "I love you" when I return him back to his mother. He's definitely not jealous of the attention I'm giving my current wife.

[Boethius]

Just a small note:  I remember clearly one FSUW whom I 'went far down the road with,' remarked a couple of times how she was happy that we spent time with her two teenage daughters.  Her idea was it was great that her daughters got to see how a nice man/woman relationship worked in practice. 

What was the message to the girls when you eventually disappeared from their lives?

[ML]

What was the message to the girls when you eventually disappeared from their lives?

I continued to correspond with both of the girls for a long time.  At least as they told me, they blamed their mother for the breakup.

From that viewpoint, the message was the mother should have tried harder.

But were their thoughts as conveyed to me true . . . who knows.

Actually, I still occasionally think about helping the girls come to USA for college . . . but  don't think that would work out too well with Ochka.

[Noch1]

It is not near as simple as either choices.
Suggesting a man or women should not have relationships
after divorce, until children are grown can also be detrimental
to the children. If you are only suggesting not being married
or keeping it separate from the children, is also not a great idea.
It is proven that adults in a happy relationship are better at parenting.

[Boethius]

You missed the point.  The children don't have a say.  Your love life is imposed on them, and you will justify that.

[2tallbill]

You missed the point.  The children don't have a say.  Your love life is imposed on them, and you will justify that.

Parents have to make these decisions, there is no absolutely right answer for
everyone. As things worked out my son was 24 when I got married, but my new
daughter Smiley Girl was only 13.

[BillyB]

The children don't have a say.

Nothing wrong with that. Children are not supposed to dictate to the parents what they can or can't do. Children have to answer to parents and as young adults they have to answer to a boss.

Your love life is imposed on them,

I've imposed many things on my kids. Good food and discipline are some of them. Not the end of the world.

[Boethius]

Parents have to make these decisions, there is no absolutely right answer for
everyone. As things worked out my son was 24 when I got married, but my new
daughter Smiley Girl was only 13.

Parents generally don't make the decision to remarry with their children in mind.

[fathertime]

Parents generally don't make the decision to remarry with their children in mind.

I have found that to be true, and raise an eyebrow when men say that is the reason they are getting remarried.


  That said, I am still a proponent of a man getting remarried if he wants to, even if he has minor children.  Children can learn a lot of good things, in addition I think being married often stabilizes the man.  Many men would probably  find trouble of some sort, so having a new woman in the house is a risk, but negatives can often be mitigated or even terminated if things go bad, and if the relationship works all around, then it can be very much a win-win. 


Fathertime! 

[Noch1]

Married parents don't always make decisions
 with their children in mind, That is two different conversations.

[msmobyone]

Hello moby, I didn't want this to derail the previous thread.

Your response, i.e. that your stepson helped diffuse situations was about your relationship with his mother.  My assertion (from day 1 on this forum) is that children don't have a say in your relationship, even though they are affected by that relationship, often, not for the better, and that it is usually best to wait until children are grown before embarking on a second marriage.

Hi Boethius,

HOW THOUGHTFUL

Thanks for your explanation and I agree

I should explain that my step-son was 16 when I first met his Mum, 17 when we got married and nearly 18 when we moved from Cyprus to the UK.


The scenario I was describing was when he was 22 and at University..He was a willing intermediary - an adult.

[BillyB]

I have found that to be true, and raise an eyebrow when men say that is the reason they are getting remarried.

Most men do not marry a woman to provide a mommy for their kids. When they state they do, we they are out of their mind. I've notice a few women stating they are looking for fathers for their kids too.


Although most of us do not marry for the kids, the kids do factor into our decisions. We have numerous priorities in life. If we are offered a job that makes us travel 6 days a week, we probably wouldn't accept it since we'd be away from the kids. If we get involved with a woman that doesn't get along with the kids, we probably wouldn't marry her. If she's smart, she shouldn't marry the man if he has trouble making the right decision. Taking care of all our priorities is important and every priority should compliment the other priorities in our lives.


Thumbalina and her four sisters doesn't do it for me. I need a woman and when daddy is happy, everybody in the house will be happy.