Family based question

[mendeleyev]

Does it seem reasonable that the daughter and mom are in reality using these arguments to have a proxy war which is really about the divorce of her mom and dad?

[Brasscasing]

No other children
Her dad lives on the next street over and she visits him about once a week. My wife has been friends with him , and I have met him.....I like him, but not sure the feeling is mutual

Could this be part of the problem? Is he, her biological father (inadvertently or by design) filling your (wife's) daughter's head with poison?

Wouldn't be the first time an 'ex' has played this kind of game with a child of a former marriage to create tension with a former spouse (and by extension, her/his new family).

Brass

[oso]

Could this be part of the problem? Is he, her biological father (inadvertently or by design) filling your (wife's) daughter's head with poison?

Wouldn't be the first time an 'ex' has played this kind of game with a child of a former marriage to create tension with a former spouse (and by extension, her/his new family).

Brass

Brass,
My wife mentioned that he did that when they split ways 16 years ago.....he was using the daughter against her....He was very angry then.

[Brasscasing]

Brass,
My wife mentioned that he did that when they split ways 16 years ago.....he was using the daughter against her....He was very angry then.

He may still be to both observations.

The problem with written correspondence, even in this world of almost instantaneous transmission, is it takes time to get a handle on what all the nuances are in a particular dilemma on forum boards.

Based on your added information, I now feel you are handling the situation exactly right by making the daughter feel as part of your family unit even though it is challenging at times.

We can not ascertain for sure if the manipulation of the daughter's allegiance and loyalties by one parent towards the other has anything to do with your wife and her daughter's current issues but I think on some level it must. If not in the present certainly as a result of the father's past behavior.

However, your narrative suggests to me the daughter may also be angry with feelings of (as you've already mentioned) abandonment, and all the associated feelings that go along with it, from being sent to live with her grand parent.

Was there any real progress while they were seeing a therapist?

Brass

[Boethius]

She was an indifferent mother (I am being diplomatic with that choice of words), who still can't let go of her control issues.  I doubt the problem is with the ex husband.  She chooses to argue with her daughter.

[Faux Pas]

Stay out of it but, support your wife

[oso]

To shed a little more light on the subject....These arguments are about petty things. There is NO argument during a lecture of discipline. Daughter stands in front of mother at attention and doesn't bat a eyelash or makes a peep and when over she quietly goes to her room to cry. These don't happen very often and I don't have any problem with.
 
I got to have this lovely experience ONCE!.....I learned very fast about my mistake and it was a miscommunication (which we can have with a indifference in language) My wife thought I indicated she was not making me comfortable in her home and Ukraine
.
Then I got clocked once...and still have a ringing in my ear.....but no lecture .....I was practicing my new language lesson. How to ask a woman for her phone number in Ukrainian.

 A smoking hot woman sat next to me on metro...I could smell her, feel her body heat....So for humor, I thought I would ask for her number. I got 050 and then it felt the side of my head was in a wasp nest and wifey was not happy and didn't see the humor in that...Lesson learned there

[jone]

Which bus ....... OUCH!

[Wayne]

So you must have PR for Ukraine?
 
Do you work? Retired?
 
Most Ukrainians don't want to go to Crimea since the revolution. Americans need a Russian visa. The only flights are through Russia.
 
Sounds like you are exaggerating the problem between your wife and daughter. Perhaps they are just very emotional people? No one has a perfect life!

[oso]

So you must have PR for Ukraine?
 
Yes I am a legal resident of Ukraine
 
Sounds like you are exaggerating the problem between your wife and daughter. Perhaps they are just very emotional people? No one has a perfect life!

I wish this was a exaggeration

[ML]

My wife works very hard, and is a workaholic....she partnered up with five other people and created a bank that grew into the largest bank in Ukraine. She was the president and CEO and was addicted to the growth and social status that her job gave her.

So I guess your wife's name is either Ihor or Hennadiy ?

Akhmetov is followed by Ihor Kolomoisky ($1.9 billion) and Hennadiy Bogoliubov ($1.8 billion), the partners who own Ukraine’s biggest bank Privatbank as well as metallurgy and oil enterprises. In 2014, the partners’ estimated net worth was $2.3 billion and $2.9 billion, respectively.

Richest Ukrainians

http://www.kyivpost.com/content/ukraine/ranking-of-richest-ukrainians-published-401133.html

[TagUrIt898]

I have talked to my wife about this and her reply is "I will not let her win". I have explained to her when daughter makes her angry, she has won. When you are angry, you lose control.

I completely disagree with everyone's advice about staying out of this.  Ignoring the problem?  It's not going to get better and it's not going to resolve itself.  You may have to play the role of mediator to help fix this.

Someone has to be the grownup in these situations and that responsibility falls on your wife. She's not being a mature when she makes statements like that.  I get it, kids can push buttons, but as adults we have have the know how and maturity to deal with situations and conflict resolution.  I know it's hard to take the high road, but tell the misses to be the adult and NOT stoop to your daughter's level.

Whatever/however you choose to handle this, I hope it works out for all of you.

Tag

[oso]

So I guess your wife's name is either Ihor or Hennadiy ?

Akhmetov is followed by Ihor Kolomoisky ($1.9 billion) and Hennadiy Bogoliubov ($1.8 billion), the partners who own Ukraine’s biggest bank Privatbank as well as metallurgy and oil enterprises. In 2014, the partners’ estimated net worth was $2.3 billion and $2.9 billion, respectively.

Richest Ukrainians

http://www.kyivpost.com/content/ukraine/ranking-of-richest-ukrainians-published-401133.html

I commend you on your research.... As we all know the global economic status of 2008 has taken a toll on all.  Privatbank has now emerged as top of the list in the banking sector. I was just stating a fact of character, of overachievement and being the best. I did not state that she was one of the wealthiest Ukrainians on the face of the planet. If that were true she would have a soul filled with corruption. Even with the new president as being a businessman, he is still as corrupt as his predecessors. I started this thread as to find a solution to a problem at home. Not to pick fly out of pepper.

[oso]

I would like to thank all those who gave advice

My decision was to talk to each of them when I found them to be in good mood. I kept the conversation about me, and how I feel when they argue. I think I struck pay dirt...So far no arguments. And I have noticed a new level of relationship between step-daughter and myself

[Brasscasing]

I wish you success and happiness moving forward, oso. 

Brass

[2tallbill]