The state of our union

[KenC]

Just some thoughts on the day after our 7th wedding anniversary.  Man, how time flys!  Some times you are so busy living that the days, months and years just disappear.  Lena and I have done a lot in the past 7 years.  We relocated to California and I started a new business 5 years ago.  In a way, we shared the transition of living in California.  I have to say that Lena knows San Diego better than I do at this point.  When we have out of town guests, she is a first class tour guide and I still ask her how to get from point A to point B.  My joke with her is that she is no longer a Russian woman, nor is she an American woman, but she has become a California girl.  All kidding aside, we love this area of the country.  But my purpose of this post is to reflect upon the changes and the evolution of our marriage over the years.

Thinking back to the wedding day, I have to admit that I was very nervous.  I never doubted that I loved Lena or that she loved me, but there were many other things to be considered.  Was I being an idiot for marrying such a young woman?  Was it fair to her to marry man so much older?  How was the blending of my adult kids with Lena going to play out?  Would we ever be one happy family?  Would Lena ever "like" living in America?  Lots of unknowns going into this marriage.  I think that when you get married for a second time and are much older, you understand better that even though you are willing to take the leap into marriage, you also know that it is a "work in progress."  I had no such worries when I married the first time at 21!  Of course at 21, I knew everything and then at 47, I knew I didn't.

I had the advantage of working from home, which I think is huge in regard to Lena's adaptation to America.  I was always available to her during my work day.  The only downside is "over exposure" to each other.  Some times it was a little stifling being together 24/7.  There is a fine line one walks while assisting your new Russian wife in her transition to your culture and country, you want to help her in every way without becoming too over bearing.  You want to tell her things to teach her, without preaching to her as to how to live her life.  You want her to learn to be independent, but try to help her from making mistakes.  I remember Lena telling me once, "let me make my mistakes and I will learn better."  Easy to say, hard to do in real life.  But Lena accomplished a lot in the two years in Michigan.  We went through most of the INS BS except for her perminant unconditional green card that came in CA.  But she improved her English via ESL classes, became a competant driver (adding any more grey hairs to my head!) and even worked a part time job in a retail store.  She learned how to navigate the use of debit cards, credit cards and even wrote checks.  I never understood before just how much there was for her to learn or for me to teach before this time.  I mean how many guys would think about giving a woman instructions on how to replace a vacuum cleaner bag?

Lena made a few friends in Michigan, but they were not the caliber of friends that she was used to in Russia.  To be honest, they were a bit unsavory.  In the last few years here in CA, she has met a much nicer group of Russian/Ukrainian women.  They have a regular group that gets together for each other's birthdays and other social gatherings.  That has helped make things much nicer for Lena.  Going to school has also helped fulfill Lena's life too.  She has finished all the classes she could take at the local community college and has completed her first year at California State University.  I think her English skills surpassed mine during her last English Composition class.  Now she corrects my English and of course all my spelling errors.  One note on her attending classes at the University.  Lena has actually made the transition of dressing like a student!  That is a big deal for her too.  She blends into the student body with her jeans, T-shirt and flip flops now.  She has a regular school "uniform" that she only wears on campus.  LOL.

I would be remiss if I didn't address the challenges we have shared due to our large age difference.  I think that the number one problem is not being able to mix well with either age group as far as friends are concerned.  With the older age group of friends, I get the distinct feeling that the women are deathly afraid that their men might think about taking my path and find a younger and more beautiful replacement for them.  There is also a jealousy factor in that their husband's tongues tend to hang out when Lena is around.  The group of friends that Lena has made closer to her age, just don't get it.  Most don't understand how Lena can be so in love with me.  They assume that there are ulterior motives behind our marriage and some have even tried to tempt Lena into being less than faithful.  They seem shocked when Lena sets them straight with her lecture about love, marriage and loyalty.  But it only takes once to set them straight.  The end result is that we have a lot of single friends.  Not too many married ones.

Other than the friends thing, I can say that there is really not anything that is too serious in the way of difficulties due to our large age difference.  Lena is understanding that I need a little more "down time" than she does and I don't hold her back too much from a more active lifestyle.  I do feel that it takes two rather unique individuals to make such a large age difference work.  If I was less confident or the jealous type, it would be much more difficult.  If Lena was not as comfortable in her position of being married to an older guy, it might not work either.  I guess we both know what we have with each other and the rest of the world can go to hell if they don't like it.

Our life has settled into a rather nice niche for us.  I have my new business to keep me busy and out of trouble and Lena has her educational goals that she is pursuing.  We enjoy our time together very much and there never seems to be enough time for it.  She has her school and social obligations and I have my work and my needed "down time" requirements.  We do a little traveling to Vegas, Palm Springs, Malibu and Michigan (to visit my kids).  Her parents and my kids usually visit at least once a year.  We both adore the visits from each others family.  This year their visits overlapped for the first time and that was great.  It was wonderful to have all the people we love most together under one roof.  Hey, I guess it is mission accomplished: One happy family!

Please forgive me for this sappy reflective post and I hope I didn't bore anyone to tears.
KenC

[Admin]

CONGRATULATIONS Ken and Lena!

My best wishes for another 7, or 17, or 27 - and beyond.

- Dan

[catzenmouse]

Ken,

 Thank you very much! That was a very insightful - behind the scenes - look into your lives. I hope that our version of Ken & Lena is a full and successful as yours is!

Ken

[Elen]

7 years are impressing period so I join to congratulations too


PS I missed had she her own kids?

[Bruce]

All the best!  Congratulations  !!!

[Voyageur]

Congratulations KenC, on a great post and for sharing your thoughts. I wish you only happiness and thanks for your contributions to this and other boards. Some of what you said rings true for me also although my wife and I have only completed 1/7 th of the time you have been married.

[BC]

Ken,

I remember a while back thinking how it would be so nice to have that 'grey' streak like Richard Geere and now I'm wishing for the grey I do have to go away 

Our age difference (18 years) 'fell in my lap' 4 years ago and although a bit younger than you, our 'union' was still a bit of a mystery for me.  When I asked I got the answer: 'because you are so clever..' hmm..  I wondered for the first couple of years but now have learned to accept that we are what we are and that's it.  In fact, our age difference is not even apparent anymore within our relationship and that is what counts.  Sure.. I get the 'didushka' remark every now and then (because I am a grandfather) but it's only in jest and good humour.

We went out to dinner a while back and reflecting on our relationship it seems that our past had somehow dissappeared.. My wife told me that it feels like we have been together forever and honestly I could not agree more.. for some reason, whatever reason it just feels 'right'.. and that's what counts IMHO.

In any case happy anniversary and may there be many many more.

Cheers!

[KenC]

Thanks everyone for your kind words.

Ken, I am sure you guys will succeed as you have much on the ball!  (Ken & Lena east coast?  LOL)

Elen, Lena did not have any children when we married.  I have two adult children close to Lena's age from a previous marriage.  It took a while, be they all get along well.  My daughter just loves to introduce Lena as her step Mom!

Voyageur, Much like I said to Ken, being around these boards you just can tell when a couple has what it takes to succeed, and I am sure that you're golden.

BC,  One of these days I am going to scan a photo of Lena and I in Red Square where most of my hair was black just to prove to everyone here that it was she that turned most of it grey.  I have threatened to dye my hair, but Lena said that she would leave me for an older man if I did!  I also understand your thoughts about being together for forever thing.  It is weird how the time has flown, yet it does seem that we have always been together at the same time.  Needless to say, I cannot picture my life without her.
KenC

[Son of Clyde]

Best of luck Ken.
I think after 7 years you must have done a few things correctly.
Communication is everything, fitting in is very important.
Lena now looks like a Malibu girl.
I hope you can forgive my abusive comments in the past, I had a very difficult first few months. I was striking out because I thoght no one else had had to deal with the same issues. Truth of the matter, many guys had to deal with the same issues. My biggest hurdle was being a single guy for the first 55 years of my life. Most of our issues were as a result of a lifetime of developing bad habits and thinking about one person.
I hope you will be here at RWD 7 years from now.

[KenC]

Clydster,
Thanks and don't worry about things as much as you seem to do.  What has passed is now in the past.  I am sure that we will but each other in the future too, but that's life.  Take care and I wish you well too.
KenC

[jj]

Congratulations to you Ken and your lovely wife.  I think your maturity and desire to see her succeed , as she adapted,has helped her love you even more.  Alot of guys here age could care less if she continued her education, or gave her room to grow.   I am 59 and corresponding with gals in late30's and early 40's and feel very comfortable doing so.  Good Luck for many more years ahead!

[KenC]

Are you kidding jj?  I want her to get a great education and then a great job.  Our "deal" is that I will work the first 20 years and then she'll work the the next 20.  She gives me some strange looks though when I refer to her as "my sweet lil 401K!" 

In all seriousness though, it is the responsibility of the older man to make sure his young wife is going to have a fine life, even after he is gone.  Thanks for the kind words.
KenC

[pitbull]

Ken, thanks for your story

I have a question which seems important(at least to me)
You and Lena don't have children together...Are you planning to have them? Do you want kids with  her? Does she want them?
On the whole, how are you dealing with the "kids" issue?
Pitbull

[Jack]

Ken, congratulations on the happiest 7 years of your life. Don't ask me how I know Ken, I know.

......."I think that the number one problem is not being able to mix well with either age group as far as friends are concerned"......

Ken what essentially happened in my life once marrying a younger Russian woman was that the age of a great many of my new friends was also much younger. The exception were for the most part other men in North Texas who were also married to younger Russian women.

For a quarter of a century always inventions to Super Bowl parties, New Years Eve parties, dinners with various friends I was raised with or went to school with. After marriage to my Russian bride, one Super Bowl party invitation, one New Years party from my old friends. My guy friends still wanted me to come, and to bring my new bride, but the wife's of these men said "No way".  Jack with his new bride was a problem for these married American women from 44 to 52.  Thus I, and many men in similar positions, begin to make new friends, friends whose wife's are not so intimidated by a young and pretty woman. This is one reason why many AM/RW couples become close friends.

I remember going to my 30th class reunion. Man, am I spoiled! As I entered the place of this reunion I saw all these old, many overweight, unattractive women. I wondered who these women were, then it dawned on me, those were my class-mates.

Life will never be the same for a man who marries a good, much younger, Russian woman.

[tim 360]

 :kissing:

[Jet]

Congradulations to both of you on your anniversary  :angel:

And here's hoping I can make such a sappy reflective post in another 4 yrs or so 
While our age difference isn't quite as large, the paragraph about assisting in her transition really hit home.

[Maxx2]

Congratulations on your 7th!

Maxx

[jb]

Ken and Lana,

From a pair that's right behind you, we here wish you guys all the best. 

Understanding that those things which do not kill you make you stronger, my favorite toast to wedding day anniversaries is: "Here's to rocky roads~!"

[TexasBoar]

With all the horror stories one encounters on these fora . . . it's wonderful to hear about the successes as well.  Congrats and warm wishes to all.

~Boar

[Wayne]

Ken,

That was a very interesting story.  I wish you a happy anniversaty and hope you have many more years together.  I have a few questions:

What part of Michigan did you live?  The Detroit area is much differenct from the rest of the state.  You mentioned that some of Lena's friends in Michigan were " unsavory".  Can you give some details?  I know there is a Ukrainian influence and some Russian in the Detroit area--but not nearly as much as in Chicago.  I grew up the the Detroit subburbs, but moved to Traverse City in 1993 soon after my divorce was final.  About five years ago, several hundred people from Ukraine immigrated to Traverse City.  These are families not brides.  They got visas because there religion was not allowed in Ukraine, and there are two seperate chuch groups that hold services in other churches in T.C.  A lot of these people work in stores and restaurants.  If they wear a name tag and have a Russian accent, probably they are from Ukraine.  I have talked to some of them, and I wonder if they would be possible friends for Oksana when she comes to Michigan.  Oksana is a Hair Dresser in Russia, but she is interested in attending college and getting a better profession.  Like you and Lena, she is much younger than I.  She is used to living directly in a busy city, Krasnoyarsk, which is the second largest city in Siberia.  I live in the country, about 15 miles from the city.  Oksana will need to learn to drive.  They have ESL classes at the college in Traverse City.  Any advice?

[ecr844]

congrats on your anniversary KEN C!!!
Eric

[beattledog]

I hope that both of you continue to have success

great Beattledog

[Son of Clyde]

I am 59 and corresponding with gals in late30's and early 40's and feel very comfortable doing so.

It is refreshing to see guys older than myself who feel comfortable with this process. It is your life, your happiness, your future. One of my neighbors, a 75 year old woman would pass our house when walking her dog. At first she thought I was their foster father but now she has come to realize we are a family.

[Jumper]

Ken and Lena,
CONGRATULATIONS~ and BEST WISHES! !!

(and sincere apologies that  it is a belated toast    )