New here...and to all of this....

[in_phoenix]

So I'm new here so hello to everyone.  Here is a little background, I'm 37, been married once, now divorced for roughly 4 years.  I've always thought about meeting a Russian woman, maybe for few year, but for one reason or another I end up putting it off.  I have spoken to a few in the past and usually after a couple of weeks they seem to disapear.  So this time round I'm more serious about this, as I start a new life.  I have been reading a lot on the web and trying to learn as much as possible.  I am even considering trying to learn the russian language, might not be able to read it but at least to try and speak it.  So I have met this woman (on the internet) from Vladimir, 27, not through an agency but from a free personals dating sight (free at least for the women).  So far we have been corresponding every other day for about a week.

So of course I have a lot on my mind now and hoping you all can give me some sound advice.

Ok for starters,

1.  Is there a particular time that I should find out her last name and address?  Right now we are just talking back and forth just getting to know each other.  I know she does not have a telephone so the phone number is out of the question because she told me she has to go to the internet cafe because she has no phone for a computer. (Probably no computer either)  Also is it possible to meet a quality woman from Russia without going through the dating agencies? 

2.  She has gone to a university and she tells me that she can understand what I write as well as write back to me without the use of a translator.  That is good.  Keep forgetting to ask her, but what are the chances she can speak some limited english as well?  I'm also looking into trying to learn the Russian language.

3.  So now that I'm seriously thinking about this, I need to go and get my passport to help save time later.  What steps do I need to take to prepare for a trip over there when the time comes?  I have been reading that I'll need a visa and an invitation letter.  Basically how much time does this all take?  Also can a person do this on their own without hiring an agency?  I'm one for doing this all on my own.  Where would one go to get all the necessary forms?

4.  I have been reading that a lot of you when you go over there actually rent a flat or an apartment.  Is there something I don't know about hotels?  Maybe some of you are going for longer stays.  I only get three weeks off a year so I'm not sure how I will be spend my time, one week at a time or two weeks one time and maybe one week another.  I'm assuming that it is far cheaper to rent a flat for one week versus paying $30 (???) a night for a room.

5.  What are the average cost of trips to Russia?  I guess I'm looking to see what you all are paying for plane tickets and transportation, lodging, and food so I know what type of budget to set for myself. (Granted different parts of the country different prices)

6.  Right now I'm focusing in on one girl to see if I can get this started.  I have another girl that also wants to talk to me.  Is it a good idea to talk to several or just work on one at a time?  Each girl lives in a different city.  My inclination is to talk to them both and then decide which one I want to go and see.

7.  How long do you wait before you go over there and see a girl?  If money was no option I would probably go frequently.  So is not the case.  Is there a particular time you need to work out the details of a trip before the girl will loose interest?

8.  How about send gifts?  How often would be considered being nice versus being a show off or flaunting you money?  What do you do for her birthday?  I already missed Womans Day, (we were not talking yet), I already know about the odd and even number of flower thing.  Her birthday is in about four months.  Would it be cool to plan a trip around that time as a birthday present?

9.  What kind of problems do I face if I take her from her country?  How much red tape is involved if we ever decided to get married?  I have also read that if you were to get married you should do it over there first.  It makes it easier to arrange to get her out of the country.  Is that true?  What kind of cost and times are involved?

10.  I have also read somewhere that one should not brag about themselves and what they have.  So far I have been very deliberate in not trying to not tell all as far as it comes to wealth and posessions.  Good or bad idea? 

11.  I guess I'm not the conversationalist that I thought I was.  I'm not sure what to really ask her for questions.  I have seemed to have managed to ask most of the big ones.  Does anyone else have a had time in comming up with topics of discussion?  She has been great, she will ask some questions near the end of her letters so it help to come up with more material to talk about.  I'm looking for some real good questions to ask to judge character, to see how much compatability we actually have.  I have also read that I should not give out too many of my own opinions and then ask her about them because I heard that they will adopt your opinion.  Truth in this?

12.  What should I expect to do when I get there?  Do you guys pretty much let her plan it out or do you have specific things that you really want to do or see?

13.  They all say to ask them any question and they will try an answer it.  Are there any questions that should be on the don't ask list?  Any not appropiate until after several weeks or after you meet in person?

 

Wow, that was a lot there.  Some may be premature to ask at this time since I'm just starting out but I like to know what I have in front of me before I get there.  If there is some place that most of these answers are placed on this form them please direct me to the proper location.  I'm sure I will have many more questions here once I figure things out or stumble upon things I don't know.

Thanks for the time, John.

 

[groovlstk]

Hi John, there are certainly many men here with lots more experience than I have, but here's my 2 cents:

1. Don't be shy about asking her for her address, these women don't have the same complex that Western women have about stalkers, psychos, etc. I've usually asked for an address in the 3rd or 4th email so that I can Global Express some printed photos and a few music CDs I burn on my PC, and I've never been met with reluctance. And yes, it's quite possible to bypass the agency route. If your woman has decent English you're in good shape.
2. Make sure you ask her if she's using a machine translator like Babelfish, or if she's writing in English herself. I've talked to a few women who write really well but have more trouble speaking English, but with some practice they gained confidenced quickly.
3. Get your passport immediately, don't worry about your visa until you're ready to pick concrete travel dates. There are expedited services that can get you a visa in a few days, but you'll pay extra for it.
4. In most cases a flat will be cheaper than a hotel.
5. I usually budget about $1500 or so for a week in the FSU, but I'm sure it's been done for less as well as more extravagantly.
6. This is a topic of endless debate, and really it's a personal preference. Until I discovered recently that the woman I was considering asking to marry me was cheating on me, I was a proponent of WOVO. Not anymore. I've since decided that my own happiness is the most important thing here, and I don't feel selfish in increasing my odds to find someone special. As long as you're honest (or at least use a "don't ask, don't tell" policy with the girls you're writing to, there's no reason to feel as if you're not acting in a respectful manner.
7. I can only tell of my experience, and the women I met I wrote to for 3 months prior to making concrete plans, so it was 4-5 months before we met in person.
8. Flowers are always welcome. I like to mail gifts, also--a little thoughtfulness goes a long way, even if the gift is inexpensive it shows you made an effort.
9. I'll leave this to the more experienced men.
10. It's not only respectful to avoid discussing money too much, it's also in your best interests.
11. Share funny/poignant memories from your childhood, about your family, etc., and ask her to reciprocate. Tell her about the best & worst moments of your life. But always remember that she's going to paint her character in the way that she feels will most appeal to you, it's only natural.
12. This is a personal choice, but if you're meeting more than one woman make sure they'll be available when you're there.
13. I try to stay away from asking about their former relationships unless they volunteer the info. But after I feel I know her well I'll segue into that question by telling about my own experiences and what I've learned.

Good luck!

[Bruce]

"9.  What kind of problems do I face if I take her from her country?  How much red tape is involved if we ever decided to get married?  I have also read that if you were to get married you should do it over there first.  It makes it easier to arrange to get her out of the country.  Is that true?  What kind of cost and times are involved?"

It depends upon the girl.  How well they know English will usually determine how quickly they are able to adapt to our society.  How well you know or do not know Russian also comes into play, especially if she does not know English.  In any event all girls will be homesick to an extent.  You are taking a girl from her country, her friends, her family, her culture, her language - all she has ever known and are throwing her or gently placing her into a totally strange environment, with strange people, strange customs etc. to her.  There is alot of red tape involved.  My advice for you once you find a girl you want to marry (that should be a long process by the way) is to do a fiance visa (K-1).  That gives you the ability to do a prenuptual agreement + get all the final kinks worked out prior to marriage.  By the way, a prenuptual agreement or "marriage contract" (more their language) should be initialted during your discussions in the FSU.  It gives you 90 days to make sure you and your potential wife feel you really can be married in this country.  See www.visajourney.com for more specific information on the K-1 visa process.  Again, my advice - do not get married over there first.  One other point - if you are married there first you will not necessarily get the girl here faster than with a K-1 fiance visa.  Costs and time involved...............tough question because it is case specific, but on a low end it could actually be about $4,000 to meet on the cheap one or two times and do your own paperwork.  Usually it costs the average guy a minimum of three or four trips plus lots of email correspondence, plus lots of phone calls - so I would put it realistically at $12,000 to $15,000 - but then you will have to spend more when the girl gets here ie. maybe you want to buy her so jewlery, fix up your house etc.  So, it is relationship dependent, but it is not cheap in my book.

Groovlstk has pointed you in alot of the right directions.  My advice for all your questions - read, read, read.  Talk to people that have been there many times.  Talk to guys that have "succeeded," and guys that have "failed."  Find out why - and most importantly what applies from their experiences to you.

[KenC]

John,

I won't duplicate too much of what has already been said as I think you have received some good advice so far.  A few points though:

Just because she doesn't have a phone line for a computer doesn't mean she doesn't have a phone.  It is kind of strange not to have a home phone.  Remember that English is not her native tongue and miscommunications will happen for a long time.  Ask her for her home phone number to know for sure.  As for speaking English, I would think she would be able to speak better than write.  Again, ask her.  On flowers: A flower delivery can be arranged through Jack and others on here where they will not only deliver the flowers but also take a photo of her receiving them.  This accomplishes two things: You get to see her ina "non-glamour shot" and you verify that she is real.

If you go visit her make sure you have a backup plan ahould things go sideways for you.  BTW, "WOVO" is write one, visit one.  There are endless debates here and else where as to the best methods to use. (WMVM-write many, visit many)  You don't need an agency to find a good woman in the fsu, but having one in your back pocket (as a back up plan) on a visit is wise.

The best advice is to read everything you can on here and other forums to make yourself as knowledgable as possible.  Just remember to not get too paranoid as some guys are afraid of their own shadows.  Above all else, GO TO RUSSIA AND SEE FOR YOURSELF!

KenC

[in_phoenix]

Hey thanks guys for all the advice.  I know I'm starting out early here and some of the questions I asked will not play for a long time, or maybe not even at all if it doesn't work with this one.  I just wanted to know what I would be in for when the times come up.  Ok, so I basically have been talking to this one but just started to talk to a second, not in the same town and I'm going to see how that works.  I'm usually a one woman kind of guy and it helps to focus on only one to keep the stories straight when talking to them and just generally keeping the information you find out about them straight.  I understand the principal of many for the fall back plan but then again I also don't want to lead anyone one thinking that I will be going over there for them and never show or just break off communications when I do find the one.  The one person approach can be a lot longer to find the one.  Yeah that is a tought decision.

As far as the phone thing goes, unless I misunderstood, I though she told me in the last letter that she did not have a phone and therefore had to go to the internet cafe to use the computer.  I don't have that message here with me it is on my other computer.  Maybe she still has a phone but not a computer.  Or maybe she has a cell phone.  At any rate I didn't ask her those specifics but I'll try again in the next letter.  I already know she does not make much, like only 100 to 200 per month and lives at home with her mother, no father or other siblings.  She says it is enough to live on and she still has some money to do things with her friends.  She talks about walking a lot to go and talk to her friends and to also visit them.  So maybe she doesn't have a phone???  Yeah this is all new to me so I'm not sure if some poeple over there have phones or not.  She did tell me that the internet is not very reliable over there and there may be somedays that it it is down and not to woory because she will get back to me as soon as possible.  It is hard for a westerner to think not reliable internet, no phone, no cell phone living over here so you start to think skeptically.  But I'm being open minded here and trying not to jump to conclusions too early.  It is so easy to do that when you can not see for yourself.  I guess that goes back a trust issue.

[Elen]

 

So maybe she doesn't have a phone???  Yeah this is all new to me so I'm not sure if some poeple over there have phones or not. 

Some people really don't have phone lines home. (but in this case now the maiority do abble to buy a cell phone.)[/size][/font]