Relationship after the Dear Jane letter - 2nd try.

[Albert]

I am experiencing a somewhat unusual situation . . . at least for me.  About 2 years ago I sent a gal in FSU the 'Dear Jane' letter.  She reacted very calmly, although expressing her disappointment.  She asked if we could remain friends.  So we continued to write on a twice a month schedule.

Then, I was sent on a trip to her home town and she readily agreed to a date and then moved into my apartment for 8 days.  Strange thing, we never once mentioned my 'Dear Jane' letter to her, and things were just as if I had never sent it.

Subsequently we spent another month together and now seem to be getting along better than ever.  We have still never talked about the 'Dear Jane' letter.  Sometimes I wonder if she is just waiting for the appropriate time to get back at me; but she is a very sweet type of gal and extremely non-aggressive, so I think this is not in her character.

Still . . . . a very strange situation.  Anyone have a similar experience?

Let me add some additional info.  We had spent about 50 days together on three different trips of mine before I sent her the 'Dear Jane.'  She is a person who leaves a lot 'unsaid.'  This can be a very good trait, if it substitutes for a 'complaining nature,' but it can also be somewhat annoying at times . . .  and it ties into my wondering if and when the 'shoe will drop.'
 
 
 
 

[viking]

Albert

To stay on topic this time... Why don't you bring up the subject if it bothers you so much? It seems you are both a bit guilty of leaving things 'unsaid'. Maybe she is waiting for the other shoe to fall as well? You sent the letter. You set up the situation. Perhaps you should be the one to break the silence, ask her what she thought then and now. Seems to me there is a bit of fear inside yourself for not wanting to know the answer. If you are getting along better than ever, and you think the letter was a mistake then tell her and put some closure on this. Have you ever thought that the letter hurt her, that she refuses to accet no because she is 'into you', that she is trying to show you how good a woman she can be? Just trying to be positive about your situation which from the outside is pretty good.

[Rvrwind]

Viking brings up some good points Albert.
Seems you might be feeling a little guilty yourself & the fact that you are still seeing her & doin' the deed, is only reinforcing that idea. Perhps you need to broach the subject & then maybe you both can discover something new about each other.
Like Viking said, she is trying very hard to show you she is 'into you', rather than using the situation & her, perhaps bringing it up may shed new light on the situation & her that might even change your mind about why you wrote the 'Dear Jane letter' in the first place.
JMHO

[SANDRO43]

Are you SURE you sent the 'Dear Jane' to the SAME girl ?
Mistyping an email address CAN happen.

[Albert]

Viking and RVR, thanks for your very thoughtful comments.

Well yes, of course, I am afraid to be the one to broach the topic.  Things go very well between us and I am not wanting to spoil the time we spend together.

Many bad things could happen if I bring it up.  For instance, she could say:  "I had wanted to put this out of my mind, but I see you are still thinking about it.  You hurt me very much before, and now I must wonder if you are going to do it again . . . . etc., etc., etc."

Viking says:  "If you are getting along better than ever, and you think the letter was a mistake then tell her and put some closure on this."

Now this sounds like a very good option.  Sort of puts me on the high ground.  The one drawback is that old timers tell us "let sleeping dogs lie."  So again, I am afraid I could make things worse by bringing it up.

Sandro, if you are joking then ha ha.  If you are serious, then you best reread the first paragraph of my post.

[SANDRO43]

Sandro, if you are joking then ha ha.  If you are serious, then you best reread the first paragraph of my post.

Sorry Albert, you're quite right, I sort of forgot your first paragraph when I posted .

[viking]

Albert,

I am an 'old timer'. Letting sleeping dogs lie is only good for dogs. This issue has been festering in your mind for awhile, almost 2 years now. And the name for this is guilt. It will never go away unless you exercise some control over it. And it is in your control. You need to confront the fear. Think about this for a moment. What IS the fear? You will lose her? Rejection if you ask her to be yours? What do YOU want? If she is "the one", then tell her, apologize you your 'sheer stupidity and lack of brain cells' (called groveling ) bring flowers, and just do it. From what you say here, I highly doubt she will turn you away. Or is the commitment part holding you back?  Hmmmm.

On the other hand, if the emails and phone calls are something you look forward to as a means to pass the time until something else happens in your life, then you are taking advantage of her, wasting her time and yours, and preventing both you from moving forward into another partner better suited for each of you.

I have been there, gotten the bumper sticker and t-shirt. Closure will make you sleep better.

[Albert]

Albert,

I am an 'old timer'. Letting sleeping dogs lie is only good for dogs. This issue has been festering in your mind for awhile, almost 2 years now. And the name for this is guilt. It will never go away unless you exercise some control over it. And it is in your control. You need to confront the fear. Think about this for a moment. What IS the fear? You will lose her? Rejection if you ask her to be yours? What do YOU want? If she is "the one", then tell her, apologize you your 'sheer stupidity and lack of brain cells' (called groveling ) bring flowers, and just do it. From what you say here, I highly doubt she will turn you away. Or is the commitment part holding you back?  Hmmmm.

On the other hand, if the emails and phone calls are something you look forward to as a means to pass the time until something else happens in your life, then you are taking advantage of her, wasting her time and yours, and preventing both you from moving forward into another partner better suited for each of you.

I have been there, gotten the bumper sticker and t-shirt. Closure will make you sleep better.

Viking thanks again.  No, I don't feel guilty that I sent the Dear Jane.  I meant it at the time and for good reasons.  Those reasons mostly still exist, except I have come to accept as not so bad some of the reasons.
I certainly feel I have nothing to apologize for.

And remember, it was her that asked if we could continue e-mailing, etc.  I forgot to mention, but it was also her that said she would be happy to meet with me if I ever came to her home town again.  So I am not taking advantage of her, wasting her time, etc.

What I am looking for here is some  words from experienced as to how this thing has played out.  Once you send the Dear Jane, has anything truely positive been possible later???

Viking you say you have been there and gotten the bumper sticker.  So how did it play out??

[Gator]

Albert,

Albert, you seem contented with dating multiple women, yet something about this woman appeals to you. 

I have two suggestions:

1.   Make your relationship Platonic. 
2.   Determine what has changed between the two of you since your Dear Jane letter.

Let me explain:

You and I are different in that I try to focus on one woman, yet I have an interesting situation possibly similar to yours.  My ex-fiancee and I had a great relationship for three years, yet we split because of age difference (being at two different stages of life, conflict would be inevitable).  When we split, I told her in person and I promised to take care of her for three months until she got back onto her feet.  After all, she and her children were a key part of my life for 3 years. 

In the year since we split, our relationship has become even stronger.  We talk about 2-3 hours per week, and she helps me with my new women (even screening them) and I with her men.  She now calls me her “best friend”, not just because I give her good advice but because I understand her and comfort her.

Twice we have met and spent a few days together.  Albert, attention please – our meetings were Platonic.  I think no-sex is important and I would suggest the same to you; it will reveal whether there is something of substance between you.

My ex-fiancee has met several Western men and turned them all down except one.  This man is hopelessly in love with her, makes big bucks, is good looking and good at sex, and is only 5 years older than her.  Nevertheless, she doubts she can marry him because he is boring and has a controlling personality. So she has made hints to me about getting together (she has so much pride that she would not ask).

Now, we are purposefully not communicating for a month.  In this period, we both are to think about what has changed in the last year to warrant renewal of our relationship.  Not being happy with other men/women is not the answer.

Interesting, her mother speaks English and two years ago she wrote me a letter saying I should find an older woman.  She now says that her daughter and I should marry.  We will not let a mother make our decision. 

Meanwhile I have made New Year’s plans with another woman whom I really like.

[viking]

Albert

A direct response to your question would be that a dear john or dear jane letter is to end a relationship. Good, bad or indifferent, and for whatever reasons, it is to say goodbye. By its very nature, there should not be any playing out. It should be over.

One experience I will share was a woman I dated for over one and a half years. A truly beautiful woman by any standard. She wanted to marry me. I realized there were aspects of her personality that began emerging after this time that gave me cause for concern. After much soul searching, I told her (like Gator I did this in person) that I did not think a long term relationship (marriage) was in my best interest and we needed to part company. A week later she called telling me she loved me, and we could 'make this work', she wanted no one else, and so forth. I was kind and caring to her but stuck to my guns. About 9 months later she married some one else. About 15 years later we ran across each other by accident. She was still a beautiful woman. But those 'aspects' had become even more pronounced and I understood that my decision long ago was a good one.

You said goodbye. You rescinded. Only you can figure out why you did this.