Do most RW find happiness?

[IAmZon]

Naturally, there is a huge transition that a women from FSU must go through when comming to the US, or another country.  There exists several posts that obliquely reference these challenges.  I would like to hear from members more directly on this subject.

Did your RW find her new country to be a disappointment, or did it live up to her expectations?

How difficult / or easy was it for her to develop roots ... a life of her own ... a sense of independence.

What support structures did your RW find must important.

On this issue, what was it that surprised you most?  Knowing what you know know, what would you have done differently?

How much time is needed?

[groovlstk]

I'm in the initial phase of most of these questions, having now spent just over two months with my wife.

Did your RW find her new country to be a disappointment, or did it live up to her expectations?

Her first two weeks were a whirlwind as she arrived a week before Christmas, but her initial impressions of her new home were overwhelmingly postive. She phoned home each day but after the second week she confessed to me that she felt a bit guilty because she didn't miss her family, friends, and homeland as much as she expected to. Over time, she's found that she misses home most intensely when we argue or have disagreements.

How difficult / or easy was it for her to develop roots ... a life of her own ... a sense of independence.

This is our biggest challenge, as my wife had been very independent before leaving Moscow. We had a discussion a few days back that made everything very clear to me. We were walking along the waterfront looking at the Manhattan skyline, and something reminded me of the post-9/11 days when I was out of work for 11 months. I explained to her that after 5 months of looking for a job with no luck, I'd often walk the streets in the early evening, peering in restaurants and bars filled with workers from nearby offices enjoying happy hour. I felt like a ghost, out of touch with the sort of life that normal productive working people have, irrelevant, a burden, watching life from the sidelines.

She seized on this immediately and told me it's how she sometimes feels here. Next week she begins taking formal English lessons, 6 hours each day in a class that has a few Russian people, this should take the edge off her feelings of disconnect.
 

What support structures did your RW find must important.

-The ability to phone home whenever she pleases
-Having some Russian TV and radio programs available. In another forum a few dorks recommend cutting off all things Russian when a woman arrives in order to force her to assimilate quicker. I don't know about others' experience, but if I behaved like these control freaks my wife would have long ago returned to Russia.
-Exposure to friends and giving her the ability to make her own friends.

On this issue, what was it that surprised you most?  Knowing what you know know, what would you have done differently?

Check back with me in a year, man.

[KenC]

How about a lifetime?  LOL  It is funny because the comparisons will go on forever between Russia and America.  I was kind of disappointed when everything wasn't just accepted by Lena in the beginning.  I never gave it much thought that she wouldn't like it here. (Typical American arrogance, I know)  But the transition is the most difficult part of this whole thing.  Expect your wife to almost hate everything and that way you will be surprised when she likes something!  Everything is different/strange and not as good as her home country in the beginning.

My wife, Lena, was a littel different from most here as she didn't return to visit home until after two years here.  That first trip back did wonders to help her get a proper perspective on things.  Russia was then not quite as good as she remembered it.  With every subsequent trip back to Russia, America became more her home.  But absence truly does make the heart grow fonder as she has not been back in a few more years and Russia has increasingly become "better" in her eyes again.  She will be going back for a month this summer, so there will be another realignment ahead.  A good dose of reality does that to those fond memories.
KenC

[Mir]

Ken

I am surprised at that.
Normally people who migrate to a far off land and maintain ties with their old home have a different experience.
When they visit for a short time they don't get to see any negatives as they are protected and pampered by their old family and friends.Such visits are free of any tensions that come from the routine of their normal life and they can relax and be fussed and feasted by people who treat them as a special guest.
But then it also depends on who they visit in their formar home and what relations they have with them specially their parents.

[KenC]

Mir,
Lena is VERY close with her parents and family.  My in laws have been here many times over the years,  She is always extremely happy to spend time with them.  I was speaking of her opinion of life in Russia in general, not her relationship with her family.  The time away from Russia allows her to forget all the negatives, but when she goes back, they al come out again.  She also prefers California over Michigan too,  Go figure.
KenC

[Jumper]

our experience mimics grooves and kenC's..

although my wife has been her longer than groovs situation,
so those initial "displaced" feelings faded as she became more adjusted.She was also a very independent person before, so felt strange being dependent on anyone or anything, in a strange situation.

There is no simple answers,, it takes time to meet new people and become involved in a new independent life here.
but with time, all those normal things make it "home " here,
and she is very happy.

Like KenC wife, my wifes first trips home where eye openers,,
and took off the rose colored glasses hindsight she was looking back with. (utopia)
Going back to Ukraine to see family, with time  became more of a obligation, than a means to cure homesickeness,
she is *homesick*, when she is in Ukraine now.


things you can do?

have her come over with an open dated  round trip ticket in hand,
it isnt that expensive to buy there (very little more than a one way)
and gives her and her family piece of mind she can return for a visit on a moments notice.

have a good calling plan and give her the freedom to call home at will, in fact iof she doesnt encourage her,
a RW to be your wife is not going to abuse this, you have no need to worry about it.(she would likely be far more concerned with any expence)

give her the freedoim to make new friends and get involved locally, at the gym, library, chruch ,any hobbies you both have , work ,, whatever..???

i see controlling guys in this venture often..
and it's stupid.

I also agree Russian TV and such makes her feel more at home initially..

in time she will make new friends and become completely adjusted..


the amount of time needed will depend mostly on her , and her personality..
(my wife is extreemly outgoing and independent, and while that makes the initial situation more difficult, it makes the ultimate adjustment much faster?)

[jinx13]

 Rivardo the question man,

 I'm not married to Nataly, but I have been with her as a friend, and later b/f since she first arrived in the U.S.

 I think culture shock is similar no matter what country you go to, in the beginning everything is so exciting, new things to see, interesting people, noticing all the differences....but then reality sets in, and she realized she's here for good.

 Her first couple of months here was all fun and games, she didn't work the first month, we did all the tourist things in San Francisco, she loves that city (so do I), I was taking a lot of time off work to show her around. I can remember the first time driving in downtown SF in my car with the top down on a nice day, she was looking up in awe at all the tall buildings, she had a big smile on her face...so at this point in time her expectations were met, America was great, America was beautiful....

 The honeymoon ended when she had to start working, had to start supporting herself, which is something different, most RW don't come here alone, they have either family support, a fiance or husband. Finding a GOOD job was not easy, and still isn't for her, this was something unexpected, she heard we were all rich and they handed out jobs with million dollar salaries, what happened here!  ???  

 She misses her friends, she misses her parents, although they speak on the phone nearly everyday, usually over an hour each time (I kid you not) and she misses Ukraine, a lot! She could never last as long as LenaC did, she is constantly thinking about saving money for her next trip back home. She has made a few friends here, but then when she moved in with me it was like startng over again, new city and no friends. Is she independent? She is trying, she has a job, she has even started giving Russian lessons to a local girl that helps orphans in Ukraine, she has her own car, she is taking college classes, so yes....but...I am her support financially, and her shoulder to cry on too, and there has been a lot of cryng...she misses home on holidays the most, and when she has a bad day..when she is depressed "I want to Ukraine" is usually one of the first things she says.

 Has she found happiness, well she found me!    she loves when I say that    Seriously, she does like America, but she wishes it could be more like Ukraine in many ways, it's a little boring here in her opinion, not enough people walking the streets, not enough people having fun, it's all work and paychecks. I kinda agree with that in a way.

 How much time is needed? Like KenC said, a lifetime should do it.  

[Todd]

I think that my experiences have been quite different.  While I won't give many details, Kate really had to adjust very fast to being here as I travel most weeks for my job.  She very quickly met some people who are becoming friends.  I know for a fact that she spends much more time with friends than I do now.  I think the biggest advantage Kate had was her fluency in English, and the fact that Minsk and Boston are very similar in some ways:  both the same size, similar climates, and excellent public transportation that everyone takes.  In addition, she lives in a college neighborhood so the academic environment is somewhat similar.

I think the hardest adjustment was finding a good job. 

Hope this helps,

Todd

[IAmZon]

I was speaking with two ladies who came to the US when they were 24, and 26 respectively.  We were talking about he  adjustment period. Much of the conversation was predictable. 

One thing that both girls said and strongly affirmed is this:  That it is easier for a person to make the transition at an early age - 22 - 25.

Although I probed, I did not understand the emphatic nature of their position.  Any ideas?

[Jumper]

Any ideas?

a few ideas-
or rather generalities?

you often dont have as many deep seated adult *roots*
to an area or location at that age.
often no immediate family in the way of children or spouse.

you can adapt easier because in youth you  are usually more open
to meeting strangers, or more open to  new experiences, or new cultural traits.

generally it seems easier to learn a new language at a very yo8ng age,, but it still appeears to be eaasier in your early 20's than for example in your 40's or 50's.

often you dont have your place in life yet , what you want, where you plan to be.

with no clear idea, or preconceived notions,  *anywhere* can work?
as well as the next place, and there's a level of excitment andf adventure in anywhere "new"

with age often new is veiwed as different and uncomfortable instead of exciting.

all generalities,
and certainly doesnt apply to everyone,  but you asked for ideas..

*shrugs*

[Kuna]

I wonder if some of the experienced members here can comment on some of my "ponderings".

Ms D and I have talked about the potential difficulties with relocating.  Obviously I was happy that she'd thought about it and she explained it basically like this...

Family
She doesn't think she'll have a huge problem missing family because they live in Moscow and she lives in Dnepr.  She HAS said though that she thinks it'll be much easier for her if she has a good relationship with my family... especially my mother.  She asked for my mothers address last week and I gave it to her.  She then asked a few days later if it would be "OK to ask permission from my mother to call her Mum".  This gives me confidence because I sense she wants to already start to try to develop an understanding (and perhaps confidence) with and in my family.

Language
Her English is quite good and she's studying 1 hour every night.  In her apartment there are small pieces of paper EVERYWHERE with words, phrases and grammar rules and every now and then we talk about her progress.  She's adamant she wants complete fluency and perfect grammar before arriving because she wants to "live not learn" when she gets here (assuming everything goes as expected).

Environment
She's already spent 2 years outside of Ukraine when she was studying in Germany.  We've talked about her "horrible first year" when she spoke little or no German, but she says that after she acquired good language skills she had more freedom to "live".  I suspect she'll miss the hustle and bustle and might struggle with the more laid back lifestyle even if our cities are a similar size.  Strangely I think the "reduced struggle" will be hard to get used to.  Oh, one thing that she WILL enjoy is the bike and running tracks along the river.  She loves to jog in the mornings but says it's hard around the area where she lives.  There's ample opportunity in my hometown for outdoor activities.

I feel like I'm lucky to have found someone who's already lived in Europe already and while I expect there to be a few surprises if we marry, I feel like she's well prepared for that step if it happens.

Am I being optimistic?  Do you think her past experiences will make it easier?  I'd be interested in your opinions.

Kuna

[Jumper]

i think her experieces , her positive personality, and her english will make her transition so much easier..

my wife also had good english , was unbeleivably determined to speak perfectly , to make new friends,,
and  her transition was amazingly fast actually.

i still say the persons personality is a huge factor,, as the willingness and detemination level to get ou tand live is far different fro mperson to person..