Domestic violence stereotypes

[William3rd]

   Since I am getting too many domestic violence cases (both real and imagined) this month, I thought it might be beneficial to put something together to talk about a few realities.
        Although the information certainly applies to immigrants, the material is based on a study of domestic relationships.
     Unfortunately, abuse is not something that just came out of the minds of feminists. Physical and mental abuse is a pattern of behavior.  Abusive people somehow think that they are different from the rest of us and do not have to follow the same rules of civilized society.
            In truth, real abusers have a lot in common with one another. There is a correlation between certain thought processes and behavior patterns.
   People working in the behavioral sciences find the following areas of commonality. However, the abuser doesn’t have to have all of these traits and, of course, many men (or women!!) who have some of these commonalities are not batterers.
   Success Fantasies- An abuser generally believes in fantasies of being rich, famous, or extremely successful in other terms if only certain other people in their life weren't holding him/her back. The abuser feels justified in getting back at “them,” including by way of abuse.
   Abusers have higher levels of hostility- Their range of emotions tend to be reduced to their default mode-anger. This anger is expressed primarily through violent or aggressive behavior.
   Emotional Dependency-Abusers become irrationally emotionally dependent on their partners and consequently become threatened by the remote possibility of their future “departure.” This can be manifested in episodes of excessive jealousy and possessiveness.
   Poor Anger Management-  A person without an everyday outlet for, or a method for minimizing, anger risks exploding toward the people closest to them.
   Self-glorification- The abuser usually thinks of himself as strong, superior, independent, and self-sufficient. When anyone says something or does anything that doesn't fit into this glorified self-image, the abuser takes it as an insult. In addition, the abuser may combine lying or manipulation into self-glorification by feeling he/she really “put one over” on someone.
   Lying- The abuser manipulates by lying in efforts to control the flow of information. The abuser may also use lying to keep other people, including potential victims, off-balance emotionally. The abuser may almost believe what he is saying but sub-consciously he knows differently.
   Rigid Traditional Sex Attitudes- Abusive spouses tend to have more inflexible beliefs about roles and functions of their spouses in the marriage. The husband may expect the wife to over fulfill all the household and mothering chores and to be very submissive and subservient. Some abusers even resort to the Bible as justification for their thought processes.
   Property Ownership of the Spouse- The abuser typically is very possessive of his “things.” The abuser believes that anything that he wants should be considered to be owned, and that the abuser can do whatever he wishes with anything that is “his.” The same attitude spills over to spouses, who are just another piece of chattel. This perception justifies controlling or manipulating the “chattel’s” behavior or even physically hurting them.
   Closed Minds- The abuser is not open to receiving new information about him/herself, such as someone else's thoughts about them personally. The abuser is usually secretive, close-minded and self-righteous. Abusers believe they are right in all situations and that everyone else is wrong.
   Assumptions- Abusive people often assume they know what others are thinking or feeling or feel that they know what is “best” for their spouse or for others. Their misguided assumption allows them to justify their behavior because they "know" what the other person would think or do in a given situation.    
   Emotional Dependence- Abusive individuals are usually very emotionally dependent on their spouse. The result of their dependency means that the abuser acts in controlling ways to exert power and to deny their own weakness. They also try to keep their spouse in a weakened position, such as keeping them from employment or interfere with their immigration status.
   Drug/Alcohol Abuse- Drug and alcohol abuse is found in many DV cases. Relaxation of inhibitions can lead to striking out at loved ones due to the above emotional issues.
   If you fit into some of these molds, then you really ought to think about making a few changes. Perception is everything in the land of abuse. You need to have your own house in order.

[Maxx2]

I just got back from Brighton Beach, NY this last Monday. I was filming a documentary on immigration fraud by use of the I-360. Very interesting stuff with these immigration attorneys. It seems there is a clear profile on what an "abuser" looks like but not much or any identifiers of those who claim abuse falsely in order to self petition. Another interesting thing I noticed was the mention of the rapid growth of abuse petitions being filed as a result of the increased knowledge of this way to self petition. Russian language radio programs ect. Yet most of these clients come to the attorneys as supposedly ignorant that self petitioning as abused is possible  . Do these lawyers really believe this stuff? This one attorney had 12 Russian men she helped self petition themseves as abused spouses of USC AW. Do you have any cases like that William? I would like to interview them.

Maxx

[acrzybear]

   Since I am getting too many domestic violence cases (both real and imagined) this month, I thought it might be beneficial to put something together to talk about a few realities.
        Although the information certainly applies to immigrants, the material is based on a study of domestic relationships.
     Unfortunately, abuse is not something that just came out of the minds of feminists. Physical and mental abuse is a pattern of behavior.  Abusive people somehow think that they are different from the rest of us and do not have to follow the same rules of civilized society.
            In truth, real abusers have a lot in common with one another. There is a correlation between certain thought processes and behavior patterns.
   People working in the behavioral sciences find the following areas of commonality. However, the abuser doesn’t have to have all of these traits and, of course, many men (or women!!) who have some of these commonalities are not batterers.
   Success Fantasies- An abuser generally believes in fantasies of being rich, famous, or extremely successful in other terms if only certain other people in their life weren't holding him/her back. The abuser feels justified in getting back at “them,” including by way of abuse.
   Abusers have higher levels of hostility- Their range of emotions tend to be reduced to their default mode-anger. This anger is expressed primarily through violent or aggressive behavior.
   Emotional Dependency-Abusers become irrationally emotionally dependent on their partners and consequently become threatened by the remote possibility of their future “departure.” This can be manifested in episodes of excessive jealousy and possessiveness.
   Poor Anger Management-  A person without an everyday outlet for, or a method for minimizing, anger risks exploding toward the people closest to them.
   Self-glorification- The abuser usually thinks of himself as strong, superior, independent, and self-sufficient. When anyone says something or does anything that doesn't fit into this glorified self-image, the abuser takes it as an insult. In addition, the abuser may combine lying or manipulation into self-glorification by feeling he/she really “put one over” on someone.
   Lying- The abuser manipulates by lying in efforts to control the flow of information. The abuser may also use lying to keep other people, including potential victims, off-balance emotionally. The abuser may almost believe what he is saying but sub-consciously he knows differently.
   Rigid Traditional Sex Attitudes- Abusive spouses tend to have more inflexible beliefs about roles and functions of their spouses in the marriage. The husband may expect the wife to over fulfill all the household and mothering chores and to be very submissive and subservient. Some abusers even resort to the Bible as justification for their thought processes.
   Property Ownership of the Spouse- The abuser typically is very possessive of his “things.” The abuser believes that anything that he wants should be considered to be owned, and that the abuser can do whatever he wishes with anything that is “his.” The same attitude spills over to spouses, who are just another piece of chattel. This perception justifies controlling or manipulating the “chattel’s” behavior or even physically hurting them.
   Closed Minds- The abuser is not open to receiving new information about him/herself, such as someone else's thoughts about them personally. The abuser is usually secretive, close-minded and self-righteous. Abusers believe they are right in all situations and that everyone else is wrong.
   Assumptions- Abusive people often assume they know what others are thinking or feeling or feel that they know what is “best” for their spouse or for others. Their misguided assumption allows them to justify their behavior because they "know" what the other person would think or do in a given situation.    
   Emotional Dependence- Abusive individuals are usually very emotionally dependent on their spouse. The result of their dependency means that the abuser acts in controlling ways to exert power and to deny their own weakness. They also try to keep their spouse in a weakened position, such as keeping them from employment or interfere with their immigration status.
   Drug/Alcohol Abuse- Drug and alcohol abuse is found in many DV cases. Relaxation of inhibitions can lead to striking out at loved ones due to the above emotional issues.
   If you fit into some of these molds, then you really ought to think about making a few changes. Perception is everything in the land of abuse. You need to have your own house in order.

After dealing with abusers of all shapes, sizes and walks of life for 13 + years I've found another common trait and that is possessive/controling behavior of the other person.  This is every thing from controling the money, cutting off the spouse's friends and family, I had a case one time where the husband would take the phone cord with him so she could not make any phone calls.

[Bruce]

Here is the worst abuse of our system I have heard and seen the woman first hand.  Somehow, an older couple from Krasnodar region Russia got visas to come here (I believe tourist).  They sold their possessions and came here with plan in mind.  Upon arrival they found a lawyer and claimed religious persecution because they were born again Christians (yeah, right).  Somehow the woman (62 but looks 75) got her green card within two years.  During the time her husband died.  By the way, it cost the couple 30K for the lawyer to "do" all this for them.  Now, over the years, she has gotten her daughter, daughters husband and two children over.  They are in the green card process - somehow all on the government dole (I do not know how but their attorneys have it worked out for them).  The old woman gets all the benefits she can from our government ie. food stamps etc., unemployment.  She works for cash babysitting and house cleaning, still claiming unemployment etc.  Here is the latest kicker.............she has an attorney working on getting her full social security benefits.  How?  She is getting certified with some sort of mental disability (my wife says soon she will be listed as insane) by some physician working with her lawyer.  Soon she will have full retirement benefits.  The system is sick....................and a legal immigrant like my wife from Russia can not get a green card and has to wait behind all the trash who show up on our shores claiming some sort of assylum with their enablers, crooked attorneys (and sometimes physicans who should have their license taken away) only fuc8ing our country up the you know what!

[William3rd]

For Maxx- no, not quite like that. . .  I had one male battered by his USC spouse about 10 years ago. The green card was just gravy bc he was a PIP (Parolee IN Public Interest) and was on track to a green card within a few more years.

For Bruce- sucks doesnt it? Now pretend instead of a doubtful asylum claim, it is a fiancee. Marries you. Gets green card, becomes citizen. Petitions for parents, children and bbrothers and sisters AND their immediate family. On the other issue, the mental defect ploy is the only way that some folks can reach citizenship and then social security benefits without being forced to learn English.

Mr. Bear- Thank you for the addition, If you can think of any more please feel to share.

[acrzybear]

Mr. Bear- Thank you for the addition, If you can think of any more please feel to share.

Just about the time I think I've seen it all, I come across something new that just makes me shake my head.  Here's a link to the cycles of domestic violence those unaware

http://www.police.qld.gov.au/programs/crimePrevention/dv/cycle.htm

[Maxx2]

For those of you who seek or attained a foreign wife this is what has been said of you by a prominent feminist responsible for IMBRA

Ms. Muro, stated publicly that American men who marry foreign women that they first met via internet “are often sexual predators, rapists or even pedophiles…many are premeditated torturers.” These statements were made on Lifetime TV, on the O’Reilly Factor and on other TV and newspaper interviews. On Vatican Radio broadcast worldwide she stated that most men who marry women abroad are "serial rapists".

Are you guys that evil??? Do we need to continually regurgitate this feminist slant on this issue? Or should we counter it with a study of the women who use this unfairly to their advantage? But I got to ask myself "to what advantage would it be to anyone in the abuse industry (like immigration attorneys) to seek a balance?"

It is high time you guys start thinking outside the simplistic feminist box.

Maxx

[William3rd]

Abuse industry, eh? Well, I guess it has become a natural progression from the foreign bride or romance tour industry. . . .

Currently, I try to educate the judiciary whenever I get a chance (when I have the "batterer" in family court). Sadly, this month I have had too many opportunities. And, even more sadly, one of the cases was a real DV, so that just validates the hype.

This thread is about having your own house in order and has nothing in it about feminists or VAWA . There are certain things that REAL batterers (or prospective batterers) have in common. If even one person reading this thinks and alters his behavior as a result, then this thread was very very successful.

[Maxx2]

Abuse industry, eh? Well, I guess it has become a natural progression from the foreign bride or romance tour industry. . . .

It started in 1994 with VAWA and the "bride industry" was addressed specifically in 1996 with the INS/I-360. It is only a small part of this and not the "natural progression" to get a VAWA.

Currently, I try to educate the judiciary whenever I get a chance (when I have the "batterer" in family court). Sadly, this month I have had too many opportunities. And, even more sadly, one of the cases was a real DV, so that just validates the hype.

Most immigration attorneys do not want to go on record saying that some (many? most?) VAWA cases are fraudulant. And they certainly do not want their reputation among the immigrant population to be that they refuse such cases. Lawyers after all represent both the innocent as well as the guilty. Can we really believe that an immigration attorney will submit derogatory evidence of the Petitioner as well as the "Abuser"? I have seen some of these petitions and it is amazing the details that are left out. I have all seen statements by petitioners that leave out relevant and damaging to them details.

This thread is about having your own house in order and has nothing in it about feminists or VAWA . There are certain things that REAL batterers (or prospective batterers) have in common. If even one person reading this thinks and alters his behavior as a result, then this thread was very very successful.

I look forward to your future thread about the identifiers of women who claim abuse falsely. I bet it could save quite a few guys from getting between a rock and a hardplace. "An Immigration attorney speaks out" peppered with experiences and cases. It will need to be made a sticky.

Maxx

[William3rd]

I have already talked about false abuse claims in the past.  It is a definite concern.

But, domestic violence was a problem before VAWA came around. Out here, pre-OJ, the police used to ask the battered party if they wanted to press charges. Post-OJ, someone goes to jail every time.

My opinion of VAWA is that it is going too far right now. In some respects, it has become an avenue to buy insurance for a green card and that is not what it was intended for.

Outside of VAWA is the use of DV claims to lock in custody of minor children or to gain temporary custody and stay away orders.

The world of DV is a lot bigger than just VAWA.

Maxx, you and I have walked in the same paths before. . . .

[acrzybear]

I have already talked about false abuse claims in the past.  It is a definite concern.

But, domestic violence was a problem before VAWA came around. Out here, pre-OJ, the police used to ask the battered party if they wanted to press charges. Post-OJ, someone goes to jail every time.

I started my career in law enforcement in California in the early 90's and I remember the domestic violence laws changing (for the better)while I was in the academy.  The problem was that beating your spouse was treated the same as getting into a brawl at a bar-it was a misdemeanor.  In most states a police officer cannot arrest for a misdemeanor not committed in his/her presence (there are a limited number of misdemeanors outside this category-mainly dealing with schools and children).  The only way the officer could arrest is if someone made a citizen's arrest, then by law the officer had to take that person into custody.

  So back in the day the officer would arrive and the wife would have marks and or bruises on her, but since he "loved" her and he apologized and promised to never do it again-she would not press charges (IE citizens arrest). Not to mention that when the batterer get out of jail she would beat again when he got home.

  Due to a number of events that made the public outraged, law makers changed the law making it a felony to beat your spouse.  Now that changes things for the responding officer since they can arrest if they believe a felony has occurred,this took the decision out of the victims hands. 

  If one of my officers failed to arrest on a DV when there was evidence of such, they could be charged of a crime, lose their job, put in jail and face civil suits (lose the house, car, life savings etc..)

 If I as a Supervisor fail to take action after being made aware of the officers action, then I could face the same consequences.

[happiness]

As someone who has recently been through the process of being falsely accused of DV, I see how the whole system needs changed.  The support organizations (women's shelters, free legal representation, etc.) have an open-door policy where they don't question if the accusations are valid.  They have to take any case to court. 

The police are in the same situation, as acrzybear wrote.  If there are any claims of DV, the officer is at risk if he doesn't take action.  Are the woman's bruises or scratches self-inflicted?  Why take the chance - just make the arrest and let a court decide.

I'm sure there are a lot of real abuse claims.  It's a shame that there are so many false claims and the people who could prevent the false claims can't use their own judgement and common sense.

[Erwin]

... The world of DV is a lot bigger than just VAWA.

Pardon my ignorance, but what does VAWA stand for?

E

[William3rd]

Violence Against Women Act. . . . .

[Erwin]

Violence Against Women Act. . . . .

Is there such thing as VAMA - Violence Against Men Act in the US?

E

[William3rd]

As to aliens, VAWA works both ways (gender nuetral in process) but since there is more violence reported against women. . . . . . .

[golden25]

Is there such thing as VAMA - Violence Against Men Act in the US?

E

Erwin, you ask if there is such a thing as VAMA in the us. SORRY we only have  VAM = Violence against Men, this is were both american ladies and also ladies from Russia can be violent to an american man and get away with it, all they need to do is lie and the feminazi's wemons help groups line up behind them , believe everything they say, and screw you over good and proper!! make sure to have plenty of KY jelly ready so it won't hurt so bad!!