Unanswerable

[solomon]

The question is how do I know if she will ever commit? I am pursuing a girl who lives in dnepr. She is seeing other guys and traveling with them (I think the guys have been from the Ukraine--or at least one of them). There is no commitment by either of us. The question rephrased is what if anything will distinguish myself from other guys? Yes I know what the typical answers may be. I also know that this question applies to any girl. I go see her again, we go on a trip, things go well...but I still may have no clue whether she wants to be exclusive. Yes I know I can ask. I could even hire a PI to follow her if I wished. Statistically I know that most other guys will probably not follow through. Frustrating...

[Kuna]

Solomon,

How long have you known her?

How many times have you met?

How old are you and how old is she?

Does she have children?

Have you talked about the future?

If we knew more we might be able to give some advice...

Kuna

[solomon]

Good questions and my best to answer. Known her for about a year. Only spent a few days together on my last trip. Been emailing each other for the last year. She is 30 and I am 36. She doesnt have any children that I know about. We have talked about the future but also agreed that we needed to spend more time together. The odd thing about this situation is that she is beautiful, well educated, smart, funny, and personable. I would have thought someone would have scooped her up by now.

Solomon,

How long have you known her?

How many times have you met?

How old are you and how old is she?

Does she have children?

Have you talked about the future?

If we knew more we might be able to give some advice...

Kuna

[BillyB]

Solomon,

Maybe she doesn't want to be scooped up. Maybe she doesn't want to commit. You wonder if she's ready to be exclusive to you? Have you asked her? If so, if she says "yes", then you are exclusive, if she says "no", then you aren't.

When men go and visit a woman for the first time, I don't recommend they get engaged but there should be no doubt where you're headed with the relationship. You either go exclusive or you don't. In your case you've "commited" yourself to this woman for a year but to her, you're just one of the guys she's dating.

Since you imply the situation is frustrating, move on to a woman who values you or you could spend another year trying to get a commitment from the woman in question. If a RW likes you, you'll know it. As of now, you don't know it.

[timothe]

Hello Solomon,

It does not surprise me that you found a woman with the qualities mentioned, nor does it surprise me that she is still single.

It sounds to me like you are doing too much writing and not enough visiting and she detects that you are not really that serious.  If you have enough emotion invested in her that you want to jump on a plane and win her over from those other men, then you should do just that.  

If you aren't willing to take that risk with this woman, then you probably should move on.

When I started this endeavor, I had some self-esteem problems which sabotaged my chance of success. (more than once)  If you think this woman is out of your league, then you need to fix yourself so that she is not out of your league.  I don't know what that will take for you.  For me, I needed to get my financial life in order.

Good luck to you in your current situation.    

[Kuna]

Solomon,

I agree with Billy...  I think a meeting (even of only a few days) should have a fairly clear outcome which is either:

I like you and want to get to know you better because I can imagine a future with you.  If you feel the same way it would be inappropriate to date others while we're discovering more about each other.  If you find someone else or decide you need to keep looking I'd like you to tell me.. I'll do the same.  I'll be back DD/MM/YYY and then we can take our relationship to the next level, or;

You're a good person but I think we should remain friends. I wish you all the best and maybe one day when we're old and desperate we can hook up again.

Solomon,  I think you need to take the initiative and state what you want.  If she agrees you'll know it.  I can't imagine any woman just letting things float along IF she's serious about marriage and family.  Without a committment to some agreed path ahead she will probably keep looking because she won't "trust" that things will just materialise with you.

Finally... I think there are many beautiful, intelligent women in FSU that are unattached.  This can be for any number of reasons.  When we meet them we should find out why they might be single because that would be a good way to get to know them.

Dude.. if you're interested PUT IT TO HER.. make a plan to return and go sweep this woman off of her feet.  If she's "not into it" you'll know.

Best of luck!

Kuna

[El Rock]

She is seeing other guys and traveling with them (I think the ..

She doesn't know  what she wants .
She's enjoying the attention that being beautiful and personable  gets you , like most 30 year olds

You need to expand your  field   of    girls , see more

[ScottinCrimea]

Why should she want to commit to just one guy?  Because of the qualities you describe she can have the benefits of many without the commitment.  She's just doing what a lot of men on this board do or have done.  We have one friend here who is quite beautiful.  After meeting her a couple of times, a Canadian who moved here to live wanted to marry her and could have really improved life for her and her daughter, but she didn't want to give up all of her other boyfriends. Besides, he was only 5'7" and she preferred tall men.

[Stirlitz]

She doesn't know  what she wants.

Thus, she is a woman. At least you can be sure of that.

[MaxxumUSA]

She is seeing other guys and traveling with them (I think the guys have been from the Ukraine--or at least one of them). There is no commitment by either of us.

The question rephrased is what if anything will distinguish myself from other guys? Yes I know what the typical answers may be. I also know that this question applies to any girl. I go see her again, we go on a trip, things go well...but I still may have no clue whether she wants to be exclusive. Yes I know I can ask.

I could even hire a PI to follow her if I wished.

Statistically I know that most other guys will probably not follow through. Frustrating...

Solomon.  My man.  This is simple.  I broke up your introduction so I can address each section.

Now...  I am currently with a woman from FSU however this should all apply to any woman from anywhere.

If she is traveling with other men then she is having sex with other men.  Do you want a woman that is having sex with multiple partners?  Will she ever be faithful even if you do make a comitment?  I doubt it.

If you want to distinguish yourself this could take some work.  It's obvious you have not distinguished yourself at this point.  Maybe you're not the one she sees herself with.  I mean...  if you have not done so in one year and a visit then what do you propose to change?  Any profound change in a man can take a long time.  Sometimes years.  If she is unimpressed with you the way you are now then I would say there is little chance of standing out from the croud at this point.  This is something you should have done a year ago when you first started talking with this woman.  At this point you are just one of her many boyfriends.

Save your money on the PI.  You already know she is with other men.  She has made no comitment.  Don't waste your money, and especially not your time.

As for other guys, who cares what they do.  Focus on being a man yourself.

Now...  that all being said you might be thinking you still want this woman for some reason.  If that is the case then get on a plane and visit her.  Be a man.  Be a gentleman.  Don't put up with any of her crap.  Be straightforward with her and show her you mean business.  But in a kind way without crossing that fine "wussy" line.

But...  My advice to you is this:  There are MANY thousands of good women waiting for you.  Check out elenasmodels.com or some other reputable agency.  There are women there that would not sleep around and travel with others unless they had serious intentions to marry.  THAT is the type of woman that will stay by your side in a marriage.  If that is what you seek, dump this woman.  Drop her like a bad habit.  Because that is what she appears to be.

Good luck.  I hope you understand how your situation looks from the outside looking in.  I would not tolerate this from an AW, RW, UW, or any woman.

[BC]

Could try using a Chasteometer..  It has not been proven to be that accurate, but just as good as any other method.

Seriously, the exclusive part will just happen if things are meant to be..  I wouldn't even ask about it early on if ever.. think it would show impatience and/or insecurity, certainly characteristics that are not high on womens want list.

MHO

[MaxxumUSA]

Could try using a Chasteometer..  It has not been proven to be that accurate, but just as good as any other method.

Seriously, the exclusive part will just happen if things are meant to be..  I wouldn't even ask about it early on if ever.. think it would show impatience and/or insecurity, certainly characteristics that are not high on womens want list.

MHO

I disagree BC.

Both my profile and my GF's profile state that we have serious intentions to find a partner in life and get married.  I see NO problem at all to ask for exclusivity after deciding to meet in person.  It was only after about 2-3 days talking to my GF that I decided to talk to her exclusively.  After I bought plane tickets I put my profile on hidden status.  I aksed her to follow suit and she happily complied.  I didn't play games and say "I'll hide my profile if you hide yours."  I told her the truth...  That I am interested in ONLY her.  I hide my profile until that changes.  I was direct and to the point without being a wussy about it.  If she wanted to see others, I would move on to a woman that only wants me.

I might be new at this FSUW thing...  but I am not new to women.  I have never, and I will never play second fiddle with a woman.  I simply have too much to offer to compromise on this issue.  Any woman tries this crap with me will be (and one girlfriend was) shown the door.  And it swings one way.

I don't see expressing feelings as insecure.  Just the opposite.  NOW...  talking to a woman for a year and then asking for exclusivity...  that's unsure/insecure/etc. in my opinion.

Solomon...  Your thoughts?

[BC]

Maxxum,

I didn't go the MOB route, but even if I did I think it would be much more productive working on building trust than asking for something that cannot be verified, especially when you are not even in the same country.  We settled the issue when I proposed.

It's sorta like asking 'Do you love me?'..  If I asked my wife this as a serious question she would answer: Why are you asking such a stupid question?...  We use such questions a bit 'light' here... like when I want a cup of coffee or when she wants to go shopping..

[Leslie]

Soloman,

I have a very succinct solution to your situation - NEXT!

You cannot demand exclusivity from anyone.  It can only be freely given,  never taken because you need or want it...

The only decisions you can make are your own.  Take them and move on.

Demanding exclusivity is not cool.  A long list of American (and British, Ukrainian and Russian) women pulled this stunt on me - usually after we had sex.  Dumped every single one...

[Bruno]

I have a very succinct solution to your situation - NEXT!

Welcome back Leslie, it is long time...

Why next ? only meet during a few days, no commitment on both side... she ask more time for know each other...

Ok, she date other men... like majority of WM meet several girls, sometime on the same trip...

Take the plane and share some time with her... not a few day but a few weeks...

Wait too long and a other will be more fast that you? He don't need to be better that you, simply more fast...

If a woman need wait a year between each exclusive date, she will be babouska before she find the right man... you cannot hope for a commitment from her with only a few days of dating

Only spent a few days together on my last trip

Was you last trip only a few days long or was a trip where you have use a few days for several girls? If it is the last, you certainly understand that you cannot hope that she give herself fully to you... you was maybe a plaisant date but she need something serious before she stop hunting... 30 year old... no child... don't you think that the biologic clock is tiking... maybe she is not only seeking a husband but a father for future child... in so case, more the RW is old, more high is the pression to find someone...

[Leslie]

Hi Bruno,

I will explain.  If I remember correctly soloman is a lawyer from Billings(?) Montana.  Like many guys in a quandary he answers his own question.

He wants commitment but knows it is stupid to demand it.  From the tone of his post this lady does not sound like "the one" So he answer is clear - move on.  Meet other people. 

The simple fact is that two people are choosing and they both need to choose the other for anything to work out 

You know I always advocate taking your time.  Clear thinking from the beginning leads to a greater chance of success in the long term...

[Gator]

Solomon wrote,

She doesnt have any children that I know about.

This speaks volumes.  Would you add "...that I know about" to other 30-yo women you have known?  I never would say that about any woman who had captured my interest.  There is something very important called trust, and for you to say this after spending time with this woman suggests that you do not trust her - you smell a rat.  Attorneys are skillful about sensing when something is fishy. 

So I agree with Leslie and suggest that you find another woman.  The next time, if you are sincere about marriage, you may wish to avoid the challenging women (did you read the first few pages of the Mila thread?).  And one day the question of commitment and trust and exclusivity will be answered naturally because you will feel it and know it.

BTW, if you do say "... that I know of" about other women, I suppose you are carrying your professional practice into your relationships.   Then you need help elsewhere.

[BillyB]

One does not need to ask a woman about going exclusive but one needs to know at the end of a first trip where the relationship is heading. A guy can ask a RW how she felt about the first meeting. If she's happy with it, the guy could say we should focus on each other. If she doesn't express enthusiasm you want to focus on her, then maybe she isn't interested in the guy.
   I read many times over newbies come home after a first trip or focused on a RW for a year or more and are still confused if they are in is a boyfriend or girlfriend relationship. If I feel a woman is not ready to take it to the next level past friendship after ONE visit to her, I move on.

[William3rd]

BillyB is right on. I have never seen much doubt in the status of a relationship after the first trip. I always found that the girl would take pains to spell out where the relationship was. I found the directness to be very attractive. . . .

[DKMM]

I think the number one problem guys have in chasing FSU women is the inability to move to the next.  If you are this type of guy you really cannot fall for a girl before she falls for you.

NEXT!

[Gator]

DKMM,

Excellent point.

If one is trying to hook a "10" or even a "9" (and perhaps soon "7s and 8s"), one must realize that these women are also pursued by good looking RM/UM who may have more money than an American man.  Such women have plenty of choices.  If she is not sending strong signals to a man, he should give up on her.  There are many other women.

Also, many men believe in a fairy tale romance and do the "Visit One and Only One" trip.  This gets a man so "worked up" that he is incapable of recognizing the fact she just may not like him.

It is said many times, you will know when a RW likes you.

[LEGAL]

Gator,

Many women believe in a fairy tale romance to... When a such woman meet such man they begin to create one fairy tale romance. But nobody knows the end if this fairy-tale...

Fairy-tale: you kiss a frog and the frog  turns into a beautiful prince or princess.

Real life: you kiss beautiful prince or princess and he/she turns into a frog.











Olga.