Why no continuing friendships

[Hub]

My friend Sveta, age 42 now, with two late teens children. High level of education and intelligence with high paying job in large FSU city.  Owns two apartments with one being rented out on a yearly basis.  Was married for about 15 years and discovered her husband with two of his girlfriend’s at two different times.  The second time led to their separation and subsequent divorce.   

She told me she was actually willing to let her husband have girlfriends as long as she felt that she was still number one with him.  But after Sveta talked to the second girlfriend, she concluded the husband was really more emotionally involved with the girlfriend than with Sveta and the children.

(1) We first met and spent about 7 days together over three different meetings during one month in a city near her home town.  (2) Later that same year, we spent one month together in her home town in a rented apartment separate from her children.  The following year (3) we spent one month together in a third country, and later that following year (4) we spent 8 days together in her home town in a rented apartment.

We had extensive correspondence before meeting (1) and knew a lot about each other before this first meeting.  Sveta expressed great fascination about me and attraction to me in the later stages of our correspondence.  About midway through our first 7 days she expressed her love for me.  But she was very level headed and did not seem ditsy about it.  I did not return the love words.  We had a very good time together and she seemed very stable emotionally.

We had mostly a very good time together during meeting (2).  However, she started displaying some jealousy and some volatility in her temperament.   She likes to be confrontational.  A couple of times I made tentative arrangements with a male friend of mine in her home town to move to his apartment to ‘escape’ from Sveta.  However, in both instances Sveta’s volatility subsided and we stayed together.  (Several months later, Sveta casually told me that on two occasions she nearly packed up her clothes and left me !! ).  I incurred some medical problems during this trip and Sveta went above and beyond the call of duty in helping me though.  We had planned a trip out of the country, but had to cancel due to my medical problems.  She seemed to put me above her children and parents, and I declared my love for her. 

Before meeting (3) Sveta displayed more signs of jealousy during our e-mails and phone conversations.  In a terse, one sentence e-mail, I told her I was weary of such behavior by her and did not intend to continue with such.  I did not, however, say goodbye.  Her daughter sent me urgent SMS and e-mail saying she was afraid her mother was going to commit suicide.  I called Sveta and soothed her down and told her I still planned to go ahead with our vacation to the third country and that I had been very busy and stressed when I sent the terse e-mail to her.

In the third country we had mostly a good time.  However, Sveta said that I seemed less ‘close’ to her than before.  Myself, I did not have those feelings, nor did I attempt to seem more distant or cold.  A few times Sveta displayed more of her volatility and I wished I could get away.  But the tense moments usually didn’t last too long and we went on with our good times. 

By the end of this trip, I pretty much knew that Sveta and I would never be an exclusive and permanent couple.  We had never discussed marriage nor our future, so there was really nothing to pass on to her in this regard with respect to my feelings. However, I still felt very close to Sveta and wanted to remain friends.  We had shared more good times than I had had with perhaps any woman, and we had told each other more about ourselves and our lives than we had disclosed to any other single  person.

For meeting (4) I was on a business trip to Sveta’s home town.  We continued our alternation between good times and bad times due to her volatility.  Note, Sveta is really not volatile in the extreme sense of the word.  It is just that I can only live in a fairly calm environment, so any behavior that moves away from the calm and toward the volatile will not work for me.

After meeting (4), Sveta’s e-mails to me became less frequent and less lengthy.  However, she continued to express her love for me in her correspondence.

About 6 months after meeting (4), I was scheduled to come to her country again, but not to her home town.  I invited her to come spend a few days with me.  She told me that she had gained considerable weight and didn’t want me to see her looking like that.  She also told me that she had blamed me for her gaining the weight, but later had realized it was her own responsibility and that she still loved me.

Thereafter, Sveta and I corresponded even less frequently and I developed relationships with other women.  About 12 months after meeting (4) I came to her home town to spend a month with another lady.  I told Sveta I would like to spend a few hours with her on one day to show her some pictures, give her some items relating to our previous trips, etc.  She repeated again how she looked much, much worse than before and that maybe it was best that I remembered her as before.  But, she said we could meet if I wished.

However, at the scheduled time of our meeting, her SMS to me told of her having the flu, high temperature, etc.  Probably not true, but her way of avoiding our meeting.

My question to the ladies here.  Why does this woman in particular, and FSU women in general, not want to continue with long established friendships, even in correspondence?  All of the typical excuses are not present here.   Sveta has plenty of money for correspondence.  She has two computers at her home and works with computers all day at her job.  She has time on her job to even play computer games, etc.  We never planned to get married, then cancelled, etc.  Never had a knock down drag out fight with hateful words said to one another.

[Shadow]

She declared love to you. And you did the same to her. Was there ever a time that you declared to her that love had become friendship ?
If not, do you not think that that is what should have been ?

Even friendships can fade over time. If you care, tell her you hope she will find happiness. If she cares, she will do the same. If she still loves you, due to her volatile nature it is for the best if she does not meet you in person.

[groovlstk]

Note, Sveta is really not volatile in the extreme sense of the word.  It is just that I can only live in a fairly calm environment, so any behavior that moves away from the calm and toward the volatile will not work for me.

I'm sure such calm women as you seek exist somewhere in Russia, but I've never met one 

[Gator]

Groovlstk,

I'm sure such calm women as you seek exist somewhere in Russia, but I've never met one 

A classic!

Hub,

I am not a lady, but this one seems so obvious to me.  Forgive me for being candid, but I think you deserve it.

First, being friends with a man is not as widespread in Russia as in America.

Second, if she were looking for a friend, I do not think you would qualify.  Think about what friends do for each other.  Do you do that?  Would you spend time with this woman without sex.  A true friend would.  What do you give to this woman in the form of true friendship?

It sounds as if you are not the marrying type and are just using this woman to fulfill your physical needs.   In fact, it does not appear that you have ever been exclusive with her.  [Are you the former Pike/Albert?].

She probably had high hopes for you and you failed her.  You do not give her the security, stability and opportunity that these RW seek. 

She surely has discussed this with her women friends and they would say that you are wasting her time.  And you want to be friends!

Russian women move on.  They are pragmatic and realistic.  They do not dwell on something that will never happen.

She can get the same as you with a RM, and perhaps she has a RM boyfriend who would not want her to see you.

It is time for you to move on and find someone who is more wifey material, if that is your objective.

Now if I am wrong, please kick me in the butt and explain why.



   

[Photo Guy]

Hub wrote:
By the end of this trip, I pretty much knew that Sveta and I would never be an exclusive and permanent couple.

That's the bottom line. So, if you want to continue as a friendship, I'd recommend phoning her every now and then, just to say hi, as friends do. Either she will be receptive or not. Avoid the subject of romance with her and date other women. Friendships with other women, can possibly interfere with a romance. That's a danger.

She was confrontational? LOL.
I remember a RW who told me she knew the way out of the huge hotel. I disagreed with her.
She disagreed back. I let her win the argument and I led the two of us along her route which
went nowhere- to a large windowless wall. She burst out with 'If you knew this was the
WRONG way, then why did you allow me to direct us this way?!!'   LOL     30 minutes later, all was well.
So, it's best to stand your ground,    ....sometimes

It was my experience that her own temperamental behavior was seen by her as 'normal' and often
accompanied by a healthy guilt and remorse. In contrast to AW, who often take negative emotions as
a huge issue, which can get blown out of proportion, and none of it is her fault. RW seem to be more
respectful in public situations and more emotionally 'open' in private. Anyway, I digress...

[Blues Fairy]

My question to the ladies here.  Why does this woman in particular, and FSU women in general, not want to continue with long established friendships, even in correspondence?  All of the typical excuses are not present here. 

Short answer: your Sveta, like many, if not most, FSU women, excludes the possibility of friendship with an ex-lover.  That you have not given names to the facts does not change them.  You have led her on and then dumped her.  Is that not a valid excuse to avoid being friends with you? 

[ScottinCrimea]

Add to BF's comments the fact that maintaining a friendship with you might get in the way of finding another man and you can see why there is no benefit to her of keeping you as just a ffiend.

[BillyB]

Hub, you've had experiences with many, many, many women.  Why spend so much time with someone who gives you static, friction and doubts? Are you looking to get married again?

[Lily]

My question to the ladies here.  Why does this woman in particular, and FSU women in general, not want to continue with long established friendships, even in correspondence?  

Afraid that Sveta would be the only person to answer this question for you. We never know even in case if we would be her friend or colleague.

On a very general note, I have to agree with Gator and Blues Fairy that friendship between men and women is not that widespread as in the West, unfortunately. 

[Ranetka]

Afraid that Sveta would be the only person to answer this question for you. We never know even in case if we would be her friend or colleague.

On a very general note, I have to agree with Gator and Blues Fairy that friendship between men and women is not that widespread as in the West, unfortunately. 

In my books it is called f*ck buddies rather then friends. providing how little time they were spending together I fail to see why she was tolerating Hub for so long.

Hope that helps

[catzenmouse]

In my books it is called f*ck buddies rather then friends. providing how little time they were spending together I fail to see why she was tolerating Hub for so long.

Hope that helps

So Pike... ooops, I mean Hub,

 Is that all she was?

[Christian]

In my books it is called f*ck buddies rather then friends. providing how little time they were spending together I fail to see why she was tolerating Hub for so long.

Hope that helps

If the relationship was anything other than courteous and social, then the reasons why a Russian woman would not want to continue such a relationship should be self-evident.

Also, I think there is a false assumption here that married American women somehow would want to continue such a failed previous relationship.  It simply would be in bad taste and precarious and awkward.  A faithful wife would make the demarcation plain (verbally) that she is now married and has thus moved on.

Christian