Searching for happiness – my not so serious little story

[scapegoat]

 Like all great things in life, there is a beginning.  This great adventure for a FSU bride began not long ago in a place not so far away.  My dear grandmother was greatly concerned over her grandchildren who have evaded the great blessing of married bliss.  While perusing through a magazine which belonged to her dear departed husband, she saw an ad for a Russian bride agency.  Being the manly magazine that it was with lots of pictures (a woodworker’s magazine for those whose minds are straying), there clearly must be some merit in that small classified ad.  In her not so subtle way, she quite bluntly indicated I should investigate this route. 
Of course one shouldn’t get too carried away with strange notions for courtship without first clearing it with one’s mother; well actually one just wanted to shock their extremely conservative mother.  Oops, clearly that was a mistake for apparently grandma wasn’t the only one conspiring to push the matter of marriage on this independent stubborn single man.  Mother however wasn’t so keen on a FSU woman; she thought a Filipino woman would make a better wife.  (Well I sure learned something new about my mother.)
The idea festered and grew till no longer could I ignore the feeling that just perhaps a non-traditional approach would be more suitable for acquiring my better half.  So the search began.  In the beginning, I determined success would not be possible without first being brutally honest with myself.  Upon examination of my strengths and weaknesses, I came to the realization that an introvert (such as myself) could definitely use a little help.  Hmm, perhaps a good matchmaker would work.  The idea of working with a matchmaker was not new or unique to me; I had long been in the clutches of matchmakers (mother, grandmother, aunts, sisters, cousins).  Strangely all of my guy relatives kept telling me to take my time.  Even my good friend’s wife tried to help; of course my good friend told me to run and keep on running so as not to get caught by any of his wife’s friends.
The internet allows for a virtual compression of space which brings people from different parts of the world into close proximity.  This works great for initiating social interaction with someone from just about anywhere in the world.  Once one realizes the whole world is available, one can easily get overwhelmed.  Again a “hmm” moment as I took stock of the situation.  I didn’t have the resources to chase girls everywhere so I had to choose a somewhere.  Being a man, I based my location decision on perceived stereotypes of physical appearance; I picked a place where I thought I would find the largest number of women whom I would find attractive.  Clearly a subjective decision.  There were of course other considerations.
So I determined that a little help from a little agency in one little area seemed the best solution.  Being swayed by subjective criteria like physical beauty was likely to blind me to other issues.  An agency who knew me and knew their women would impart an objectivity which many men and women loose when they are courting.  Yes, I know, I most certainly at times make this process much more complicated that it needs to be; but then again, maybe not. 
I have always felt more comfortable with the write one then visit one approach.  While other may disagree with their approach I clearly don’t care what they think.  For one to be successful in their approach to finding, courting, and marrying a FSU woman, they must use the approach they are most comfortable with which works for them.  I started and corresponded with a nice woman for roughly six months.  It started slow and cautious but clearly began picking up steam.  Well time to go for a visit.  She was excited and so was I.  What could go wrong? (Be patient and I will tell you what went wrong.)
Like many who go for a visit, I was very prepared for the trip.  Bought a few thoughtful gifts, packed wisely, and traveled across the pond.  I had 10 days in country for this initial trip.  The agency worked well in setting up logistics for transportation, lodging, and interpretive services.  I am on pins and needles. 
I get dropped off at the hotel and this absolutely gorgeous woman is waiting for me but she is clearly not the girl I was writing.  It was a very pleasant surprise to find out this young woman was my interpreter.  Hmm, I was expecting to meet someone else, namely the girl I had been writing.  The interpreter had some not so great news for me.  Apparently my girl was stuck in Moscow with her sick grandmother; of course she was expected to return via train the next day.  Well the next day came and a beautiful woman came to meet me in the hotel lobby.  Again it was the interpreter; my lady was still in Moscow.  Hmm, this write one visit one just turned into a write one visit none. Fortunately the agency was very proactive and had already set me up for a date the next day with a different girl. 
Went out with two different girls during my remaining time in country.  I suppose I could have gone out with more but I was enjoying my time just to myself.  It was my vacation.  Every day was a good breakfast, walk around town, find a nice place for lunch, do some more walking, then return to the hotel and get ready for an evening date.  Saw a lot of nice places such as museums, parks, and memorials.   Every night I got to go on a date with an absolutely amazing woman.  Dated the first girl a couple times, didn’t get much of a spark.  Dated another girl and thought she has got to be the one.  Yes a little naïve but I wasn’t in a rush. 
Well, the trip was soon over and back to regular life I went.  Corresponded frequently with the new girl for a few months then went back over four months after the first trip.  This girl was/is amazing.  She really liked me.  However something just didn’t feel right.  Yeah, a man paying attention to his feelings; how strange is that.  But like most men, I was stubborn.  It was very evident she really liked me so I had a very difficult time identifying the problem.  Clearly there was a breakdown in communication.  Something was missing in the chemistry department.  Finally I realized I needed to ask the right question; "are you attracted to me?"   I do love how so many FSU women can be brutally honest with a man.  She of course said no.  We talked some more and she indicated that she really liked me, she wanted a good husband and she wanted a family; but she didn’t have any attraction for me.  Well there ended the second trip.  Sure the write on visit one opponents would love to chime in but really, I didn’t have a problem with it.  I really enjoy just vacationing in that FSU city.
Did I learn anything?  Sure, I learned that salads don’t have a lot of lettuce and mayonnaise can be used for just about anything.  I realized that sometimes I can rationalize away the gut instinct which is telling me that something is quite right.  Am I ready to do it again?  Absolutely.  Unfortunately business slowed down for me after the second trip which has inhibited my ability to go chasing a woman on the other side of the world for a little while.  Second trip happened in March 2010.
I did however find out that the first girl I dated did marry a very nice man and they seem to be doing well.  The second girl just recently got engaged to what appears to be a good man.  It is always nice to know that some men and women are successful in this great adventure.
There are a few things I will make note of before starting out again. 
First, I have realized I should not dismiss the advice of my therapist, well counselor.  Being a veteran, I sometimes have issues that I find are hard to deal with in the “regular” world so I sometimes go to the local Vet Center.  I was very hesitant to even indicate to an American woman psychologist that I was intent on chasing a FSU woman.  Her reaction was not what I expected.  She herself is married to a man from a different culture.  Based on the availability of suitable mates in my locale, she actually thought it was a good and wise approach.  What she did indicate was I should probably adjust my age preferences.  I had been limiting my selection pool to women roughly three to seven years younger than me.  She said I should go ten to fifteen years younger.  Not going to argue that.  Just found in quite interesting. 
Second is lists and charts may be nice but chemistry is critical.  No matter how much two people want a relationship to work, if mutual attraction is missing then there is little hope for the relationship.  Sometimes it is easy to ignore the warning signs because we want something so bad.  I have seen many failed marriages occur because people chose to marry just to be married and not be alone versus marrying to be with someone they are attracted to and care for.
Third, if you aren’t enjoying the adventure then you shouldn’t be on the adventure.  I sure do enjoy the adventure.  I don’t feel any desire to take another path.  I don’t believe there is “only one” special person.  There are many possible and suitable mates in the world.  As many on this forum realize, one great mistake is getting carried away with all of the choices and not actually making a choice.  The adventure doesn’t end when you make a choice; you just start a new chapter. 
Finally, there are some hard and fast criteria which must be present in a woman for me to want to be with her for the rest of our lives.  Most importantly, she must know how to cook.  My culinary skills are atrocious.  Well truth be known, criteria are guides not unbendable rules.  When it feels right it is right.  Compromising is what allows us to deal with the conflicts and problems.
One last thing to add about the next trip.  I would like to go when the weather is a little warmer.  Late fall and early spring aren’t bad but from what I have hear, summer is the time to visit.  Unfortunately summer and early fall are when I am busiest at work.  Oh well, good thing I don’t mind the cold.
FYI for those whose curiosity is festering inside them about my therapist issue.  Suffice it to say I am on a very strict daily prescription of anti-depressants comprising the following medicines taken orally: 2 parts M&Ms, 1 part Reese’s Pieces, and 1 part Skittles.  If depression is still looming, my therapist has informed me that, at my discretion, I may increase my dosage until the sugar high kicks in. 
For those who want to take my words more seriously than I do myself, I would advise you to step away from your computer and take some medicine.  Really it does make you feel better.
 

[Faux Pas]

scapegoat

Despite your need for a therapist, your head is in the right place for this adventure IMHO. Sounds like a case of bait and switch on your first trip. Try your next approach without an agency. Freestyle. Look over Elena's models and the various free sites. Find attractive, interesting email/Skype pals and learn about each other without any agency intervention. You'll be surprised at what can be gleaned and what can be learned about each other when following your own personal protocols.

Hang in there and good luck 

[scapegoat]

Faux Pas

Yes, it was a learning experience.  The bait was sooo good and the switch was just as good.  Next time, if I can swing it, I would like to spend a couple months visiting.  My work is unusual and I can often have a few months off in a row.  I still think nothing beats being there and courting face to face.  Again though, the bait is sooo tempting.  Interesting to note, the second girl I dated (the one I thought would work) was my choice and not the agencies.

[JR]

I hear Frank Sinatra singing somewhere.....))))
You're doin it your way and it ain't bad Scape, welcome.
Thanks for the service to our country, long may she live.

[LAman]

Thanks for the story scape.....interesting reading.....raised my curiosity of city you were in?
Refreshing to hear some humor in this pursuit...more about the experience in the journey than the outcome. Sure, you want to find that special girl.....maybe it is best to let that time come to you...

[Chicagoguy]

Reminds me - When life gives you lemons .............
You did well. Good perspective.

[Hammer2722]

Let me guess, was the city Odessa? 

[Muzh]

Goatman:

I usually don't read lengthy intro letters but somehow did it with yours.

I really like your attitude and I think you'll be fine.

I did show your intro letter to my wife. She did mention that if you want any of these RWs to be attracted to you, you'll have to spend sometime talking to them. I'm pretty sure she meant sweet-talking to them.

Good luck and keep reporting.