Need some advise....

[TCH]

Hey everyone!

I`m new here, but have been reading this forum about couple of months already.
So, i decided to ask you about your opinion in my situation and may be about some advise for me.
I met a man through internet nearly one year ago, we really like each other, he came to me twice and i went to him once and now going again to him in one month. He met my mom (as she lives in another city than me she came specially for that, because he asked me to meet her).
So, he says me that he wants to be with me - and i want to be with him too, he says that he wants to have babies with me, and he will be proud to have a family with me.
But when I (!) asked him when we will be together he said he dosent know because we should decide where to live.So, I said that for me it dosent matter, because i have here in Russia my own appartment and good job and I really dont mind if he wil come here,and he said that may be metter to live in his home in America because it easy for him and also his family live thier too and they could help us with our children. So, i dont mind about this variant too, i think i ready to it, just because i want to have a family with him and it doesnt matter where.
So, why i`m writting here...because i feel a little lost right now...i dont know what to do...to wait while he decide something? or to keep speaking with him that we really need to decide that soon, because i have to understand how to develop my life further?
And may be anybody could explain me - why he keeps saying me how much he wants to have family and baby with me, but at the same time he doesnt say anything certain - when, where, how....etc..
May be what i`ve written above is like a little mess....but i hope that somebody will help me to solve that situation....

[Doll]

So it doesn't matter for him where to live? I mean which of two countries?
It doesn't sound typical for an AM.

[GoodOlBoy]

Hello TCH and warm welcome to the forum!

Don't worry, we have some pretty good people here that will offer you some excellent advice.

I have a couple of questions, if you don't mind.

1. Is your man older? Retired?

2. Is he divorced? Have any other children?

3. When you say "went to him once", does this mean that you have been here to the USA? or you met him somewhere else?

4. Does he e-mail or call you every day? or just so often?

[Blues Fairy]

Keep talking to him, of course, but if I were you I wouldn't put so much pressure on him regarding babies etc.  He sounds quite adequate and committed but often it takes a man quite a while to figure out a specific plan and timeframe.   I appreciate that you need to plan your life, but consider two things: first, he is now thinking not just for himself but for the two of you, which adds to his sense of responsibility and possibly delays many important decisions; second, remember the economy in the US is not so good nowadays and he may just be figuring out his finances. 

So my advice is, go with the flow, be positive, don't pressure, keep communicating.

[Enot]

The immigration process for you to the USA will take 6-8 months.  It is also an expensive process.  For you to move and have him support you would also be expensive.  Maybe his issue is money.  It will take about 4 months to get your green card then you can begin to work.

If I were you, I would tell him you are ready to move to the USA and be with him.  Then he would have to make a decision as to begin the immigration process or tell you why he can not at this time.

Report back to us if he can not start the immigration process and why.  Then we can tell you the next step.

Good luck!

[Gator]

Welcome TCH!

So far, your man sounds very prudent.  He is doing what he should do (multiple visits, meet your family).  It is a good sign if you keep meeting each other every few months and he gets ever more serious about marriage.

Most men realize that marriage is very serious and wish to be sure about marrying a woman from another country.  Also, bringing you here and taking care of you while you adjust to a new culture is expensive?

A careful man will take his time to make sure about his feelings, your feelings, your goals and how they align with his goals, money, etc.  This is good because you would not want to move to America and discover that love between you is not strong, that money is a problem, that he really does not want children, that you do not like where he lives, etc.

1.  Why did you decide to consider American men for marriage?

2.  How does your man make money?  Can he do it in Russia?

3.  Has he asked you to marry him?  If so, engagement ring?

4.  Have you used Google Maps to get a satelite photo of his house?

5.  Have you called him at a time he would not expect?

6.  Could you be happy living in his hometown near his family?

7.  Has he explained to you exactly how your life would be for the first year?

With answers to these questions and those asked by others above, we can help you.

Best wishes!

[Mishenka]

Excellent advice from everyone!

mishenka

[TCH]

Thank you very much, guys!
I even didnt expect that I get such a good and constructive advises and feed backs.
After I read all your replies I got more self-confident and confident in him. It really helps me to understand his point of view. You asked me some questions,so: he is 9 years older than me, he hasnt children, we write and call each other regulary (although not every day).And yes, i went to USA, met his parents and some of his friends.
Well, now I see that i was right thinking about what i told you (because befor i doubt - may be i hurry up, and things shouldnt go so fast as i would like to), now i just see that we have to discuss and calculate and decide everything, it should be clear for both of us....well, something like that. But i just dont want to pressure on him...that is what i`m affraid a little...

Anyway, thank you all, you are great! I`m very glad i found such a ggod forum with so warm people!

[Vaughn]

TCH, привет! Welcome to RWD.

It is a huge decision, and patience never hurts. I wish you both well as you
make your plans for the future. You are among a small select group of ladies
here who actually had the chance to meet HIS parents before making a decision.

I hope you will see clear to stay around this site - we do need and appreciate the
opinions, questions and insight of more women.

Vaughn

[TCH]

Hi Vaughn!
Thank you!

Yes, i understand that having an opportunity to visit each other and to see how things are going there and here ( i mean US and Russia), meeting with our families is so great, because i know many girls have problems with getting tourist visa and they havent a chance to see all befor they move to America. So, of course i`m very happy that i have visa and thanks a consul in embassy he approved it:))
But to go forth and back is an expensive pleasure,and also being apart doenst help to develop our relationship....So, thats why i`m thinking about next step. (Although, i think about next steps in all my businesses...well, such a person i am:)).

[Enot]

You both said you want to be with each other so the next step seems obvious.  Has he said he loves you and you said the same to him?

[TCH]

Yeah, we say that all times when we speak, or when we are together during vacation...

[Bruce]

#1  Took my wife three 1/2 years after marriage to get her green card.  Many Russian women take much more longer to get their two year temporary green cards. 

#2  Relax, keep on writing and speaking with your guy.  Ask him to come back within the next six months.   I believe he will commit within this time frame if everything goes well for both of you. 

#3  Ask him what are his deepest fears.   See where that conversation gets you.  If you are able to reassure him I suspect he will be much more ammenable towards commiting.

[Gator]

TCH,

Your man seems like a winner!  The pace so far is perfect in my mind.


You had some anxiety even though your man took the rare step of bringing you to America to see his life and to meet his family.  The RWD readers perhaps now can grasp the level of anxiety in RW who have not had the opportunity to meet her man in his country.

[BC]

TCH,

quello che sarà, sarà

One of my favourites..

Although many will feel the need to 'push things along', it is probably not in their best interests to do so.

The ability to simply trust and accept that things are as they are, and will be what they will be (if we let them) is worth multiples of weight in diamonds.

The biggest problem with international dating is that we try to fiddle with it too much.

You will do just fine.

Cheers!

[Faux Pas]

It would appear from the limited information TCH has provided that her man is a serious man but, it also appears to me that she should well be justified is her concerns about nothing more firmed up as to when, where, how and why.

Patience is a virtue and international dating certainly requires a lot of it. But after a year, 3 visits, constant communication, Dude should have somewhat more of a clue and choose a direction in the crossroads here. From TCH's description, they have no plan other than being together. I say it's time she ask what the plan is.

Am I the only one seeing this 800 pound gorilla in the room?

[AnastassiaAsh]

Yeah right, if she lets things happen their own course, then NOTHING is going to happen! Nothing is already happening right now, that's why she has shown her worries on this board.

TCH, definitely start asking him about the whole plan. If he is married minded then actions should follow. I assume you are not 21 and would love to be a wife, and not one day but very soon. The whole relationship has been for two long in my book... Several months tops! Especially if you don't have any language problems and I see your communication is pretty good...

[Enot]

Yes I noticed the "gorillia" back in post #4.  That's why I said the next step is obvious and have her tell him she is ready to be with him.

[mark2353]

TCH, definitely start asking him about the whole plan. If he is married minded then actions should follow. I assume you are not 21 and would love to be a wife, and not one day but very soon. The whole relationship has been for two long in my book... Several months tops! Especially if you don't have any language problems and I see your communication is pretty good...

Well I tend to agree with Anastassia one can wait both partners have the whole plan. TCH should get the whole plan laid out. (approximate date of completion) If it is reasonable then she can continue if it is a dream well .... Do not misunderstand caution is great I agree with the 1,2.. year plan but both partners should be aware of what is happening along the way. Why you are taking the long road??
TCH what do you do? sound like you are very well educated? what does he do for living?
best of luck,
Mark
 

[Doll]

Am I the only one seeing this 800 pound gorilla in the room?

No

[TCH]

I`m absolutely agree with all that you wrote above, guys! And I see that I dont demand anything unbelievalbe.
We really need to have plan....I think it should be in every relationships, doesnt matter wether its international relationships or "normal" ones...Otherwise it will come to a dead end.
So, its just 4 weeks now befor I`ll go to USA and will see him. And I hope my situation will get clear for me after. And surely I`ll write a report here...will see if your advices works or not Its a joke of course.

And I have another question I read a post about cristmas presents for your wives, and what about presents for you? Are you expecting anything? Or what kind of presents you would glad to get?

[wxman]

Has he proposed to you yet and given you a ring? You say you are going to meet in 4 weeks? That puts the date around New Years. Can anyone else see a happy surprise coming? 

[Gator]

TCH,

Please ignore the negativity in the other posts.  Do not worry.  Instead, go to America in a positive and happy mood.  Have a  wonderful time with your man at Christmas.  It is our most special holiday and a time to express love of family (both present and future).  And New Year's is the time to think about the future.

About gifts.  Yes, you should give him a present although to him just your making the trip is the best gift.  You can wrap yourself in pretty ribbons.   

Some RW have knitted a scarf for their man.  Others have purchased a cologne.  A bottle of Georgian or Armenian brandy is also good.  If you have more money, the possibilities are unlimited such as a watch from Duty Free (and you may wish to wait until you arrive in the US to buy him something such as a sweater).

You should also bring modest gifts for his parents.  I suggest something Russian.  A handicraft.  Russian chocolates are good (and better than anything made in America).

While taking in the Christmas cheer and spirit, your man's emotional feelings for you will be evident.  I expect him to have an engagement ring for you and a PLAN.  And you will have your answer to the following:

But when I (!) asked him when we will be together he said he dosent know because we should decide where to live.

Demonstrate your commitment by taking with you a completed G-325A form.

http://www.uscis.gov/portal/site/uscis/menuitem.5af9bb95919f35e66f614176543f6d1a/?vgnextoid=d7c84154d7b3d010VgnVCM10000048f3d6a1RCRD&vgnextchannel=db029c7755cb9010VgnVCM10000045f3d6a1RCRD

If your man does not have a plan, that is also an answer.  Not the answer you want to hear, but one you need.  You then gather your courage and sit down with him for a serious conversation. 

-  Tell him that international marriage is different from marrying someone from your own city. As such, you will have to depend upon him as the "man" to take care of you until you become adjusted, especially if you have baby.
-   Remind him that he is the "man" and he should have been taking the steps necessary to advance your relationship. 
-  Ask "If you can not do that, how could I depend upon you if I moved to America?"
-  Say you are disappointed and then ask him to take you to the airport. 

There is only a 3% chance that you will leave early.  So when you return to Russia with your engagement ring, please write us.