An American Family

[Sculpto]

I am almost reluctant to post this, but, I learned something today that is really disturbing to me and has the potnetial to cause some problems for my relationship.  What I am about to reveal is VERY personal and is 100% real so I am asking people to be sensitive in their responses and discussion if a discussion/thread develops.  If the thread goes off in a way i am not comfortable I will ask Dan to lock it and shut it down.  so.. that said.. here is a window into my effed up life...

Its Mothers Day so I crossed over the Bay Bridge and have enjoyed a quiet day with my Mom.  But, I was not prepared for what she told me as her "big news".

Flashback 30 years...

Mom takes me and little brother to O'hare to pick up Dad.  Dad arrives with hot girlfriend who comes to our home.  We later learn to call her "Auntie".

A few years later "Auntie" and Dad start a business together.  About that time Dad becomes physically and verbally violent with me and verbally violent with my Mom.  He never hits her though.

A couple more years go by and we only see Dad on Sundays.  I learn to try and be someplace else when he comes around to avoid violent confrontations.

Eventually Dad stops coming over.  Mom files for divorce.  Dad threatens her in a variety of ways and Mom makes a really crummy settlement that basically leaves us broke.  Remember, Dad is at this point a multi millionaire and the head of a medium sized international empire.

I depart the midwest with plans never to return and end up in SF.

Mom gets remarried and divorced again and ends up following me out to Cali.

Dad marries "Auntie" and I hardly see either of them over the last 20 years.  I remain close with Mom.

After a few years "Auntie" apparently develops a taste for women and gets a girlfriend who eventually moves in with Dad and "Auntie".  I have only met this girlfriend once.  Then, Dad is diagnosed with Alzheimers less than 2 years ago.

So, that is the background.  If that isn't weird enough...

Mom tells me today that Dad is courting her.  He has been calling, begged forgiveness and wants to get back together with her.

Mom is very vulnerable and alone.  She has a lot of friends but very small chance of ever finding another man.  On the other hand it is obvious from how she spoke that even 25 years later she still has feelings for my father.  Mom has spoken with "auntie" who, big suprise, is not against this idea as she has now been living with my Dad and her GF for almost ten years.  "Auntie" is 15 years younger than Dad.

There is a LOT of money in the balance.

Mom realizes she might have a couple of fun years with Dad but mostly this is a caretaker scenario, but, has the potential to become extremely ugly if Dad should develop any of his old patterns which I have been told by my brother appear to be under control due to the Alzhemiers meds.  Though, when I went to visit him right after he was diagnosed about two years ago I saw him flare up twice in four days.  So, unless they have upped the meds since I was there I am not so sure how stable he is, even with the meds.

So, I hate this.  I am against my Mom having any contact with my Dad.  But, it isn't my life and if she can gain some happiness out of it who am I to stop her?  Its not like Mom would expect me to come over for family dinners.. hahaha...

I am however worried about the large number of ways this could have a negative impact on my relationship with my Gf/fiance.  I can see any number of ways this could not only become a massive burden on me but where extremely ugly scenarios could take place.  Frankly, I have never been so terrified of anything in my life as I am right now about the thought of having my Father in the same room with "A" and the things he is capable of saying and doing.  Not only could I never be relaxed, but, even his presence could be the catalyst for some not so kind or pretty behavior on my part.  FLUCK!

I have not spoken with "A" about this as I just learned about it after we had our talk today.  Honestly I do not even want to bring it up with her as she knows most of the history between me and my father and I have no idea what kind of reaction it might spark in her, especially after losing her own Father so recently.  However, she knows me and if I am even the smallest bit "funny" with her she will know something is wrong and will find some way to get it out of me.

I feel like this is a worst case scenario and it is totally new territory and being honest I have no idea how to deal with this.

Again I ask if anyone does respond please read your words before you hit send.  Thanks in advance.

[giants11]

Honestly who cares!!

Move on and find yourself a woman to get married to and have your own family.

Cheers

[Sculpto]

Honestly who cares!!

Move on and find yourself a woman to get married to and have your own family.

Cheers

thanks for the thoughtful and insightful response Giants..    As I said.. its a good idea to read your own writing before you post, and not so infrequently to read the OPs actual words completely.. but hey, thanks for confirming once again what my GF would call a "Stupid American" .  :evil:

I have a GF/Fiance who lost her father less than 6 weeks ago.
My Mom is important to me and my fiance and my Mom have developed an online friendship over the last 6 months. 

[Faux Pas]

Sculpt,

I honestly don't see where this is relative to finding, courting and marrying a women from the FSU. More like something you should be approaching directly with "A". Perhaps your Rabbi, bartender, therapist or a different type forum could give you the insight you are seeking. I can tell you are a very sensitive man and these type things and family matters get in your crawl. But is this really the place for that?

[Misha]

Sculpto,

It is your mother's life and she is old enough to decide what is best for her. However, if your gf loves you, and if you have already discussed the difficult relationship you have with your father, I can't see this being a problem. It is not like you will be living with them and she will be seeing them every day. 

Michel

[Sculpto]

Sculpt,

I honestly don't see where this is relative to finding, courting and marrying a women from the FSU. More like something you should be approaching directly with "A". Perhaps your Rabbi, bartender, therapist or a different type forum could give you the insight you are seeking. I can tell you are a very sensitive man and these type things and family matters get in your crawl. But is this really the place for that?

Faux.. thus my reluctance to post.. but.. obviously the situation is really fresh on my mind and I decided to vent it out here.  It is only relative to FSUW and my Fiance in regards to the forum because i have no idea how she might respond to what represents a major change in the life I expected and told her to expect.

[Sculpto]

Sculpto,

It is your mother's life and she is old enough to decide what is best for her. However, if your gf loves you, and if you have already discussed the difficult relationship you have with your father, I can't see this being a problem. It is not like you will be living with them and she will be seeing them every day. 

Michel

Misha you are right.  I guess what worries me about my Mom is it has fallen on me to help her get back on her feet after both divorces, and, the second divorce was actually a lot worse than when she split with my Dad.  She has made great progress in building a life for herself and creating a network of supportive friends around her, and, I can see my Dad wiping that out very easily and then it again falling on me to pick up the pieces.  Maybe I am being selfish.

BTW.. "A" knows about the whole story with my Dad and I know she doesn't have any kind of problem with me NOT having a relationship with him.  What worries me in regards to her is if my Mom goes against reason and decides to restart something I may have no choice but to deal with my Dad if I want to spend time with my Mom.  The fear I have over such a scenario and in any way involving my future wife in that potential mess is that it might put a big question mark in the mind of my wife because my family is a mess.  Plus, I can very easily see my father saying innapropriate things or worse if he was in the same room with her.  he did it before when I was young and before he was sick, so, I have no reason to think he would be any different now.

[LiveFromUkraine]

Sculpto, my grandmother had Alzheimers.  I wouldn't wish that on anyone.  I don't think your mom understands the hell she will go through if she takes him back and becomes his caregiver.  It will be hell.  I have never witnessed anything like it.

Back to your relationship.  Like you said, there is nothing you can do.  But I will say something.  Based on my experience with Alzheimers, there will be a lot of things said that will be inappropriate if the disease gets worse for your father.  He won't be able to control it if it is anything like my grandmother.

I would explain to your fiancee about his disease. That is really all you can do.

[Mishenka]

Eric, As you know, I have been dealing with the Alz thing for about 6 years with my mom. I can give you a preview that you don't want to see.  As far as A goes, you two are connected souls. She feels you and you cannot hide it, so don't. The bottom line is this. You can only give advice to your mom and let her make the final decision. You can be involved or choose to sit back and ride it out. In any case, I would not tell A all that much so fresh into this, wait a while and let it all soak in.  What starts today might be totally different tomorrow. Don't be so quick to start something and stir the shiiit, "this too shall pass"  My advice to your mom, keep the past in the past and learn from it. Alz patients live in the past. not the present or future. Your mom will have no future with your dad. It will be worse than a living hell. Just remind her of what she learned the first time and magnify the pain X 1000 % and she will get a clear picture. Take care.

By the way, the BBQ at the lake was incredible. I will send some photos

Mishenka

[Sculpto]

Live,
Thanks for the thoughtful words. 

My GF already knows about my Fathers condition.  When I told her I would never take her to meet him she did not have a problem with it and understood why.  The problem is it sounds like the scenario might change and I might be in a position of little choice if I want to maintain what is a pretty cool Mom and son relationship and I know my Mom really looks forward to having a DIL.

There is an element of greed involved from my Moms side.  As I have said, my Father has a LOT of money.  I guess his lesbian wife controls it now, but, my Mom was already talking about what kind of payoff she might be able to extract to take him off her hands, kind of as a payback for how Mom got screwed in the divorce.  So, there is more to it than her just being lonely and without a man.  She might convince herself she can handle being a caregiver to someone with Alzhemiers if there is enough money in it.  UGH!

[Misha]

What worries me in regards to her is if my Mom goes against reason and decides to restart something I may have no choice but to deal with my Dad if I want to spend time with my Mom.

You can't control what others do, only yourself. IMHO, if your mother returns to your father, they will need their "time alone" which will be a good excuse for you to keep away and concentrate on your relationship. I do hope everything works out for you, but I don't think you have to worry that much about how your gf will cope with it. God knows there are many dysfunctional families in both Russian and Armenia 

[Daveman]

Sculpto,
To be honest, i think your mom deserves to get whatever payoff she can grab from this. It will be some hard work and tough times. Some crazy and ugly times as well, but really, if she is up for the ride I think she deserves the payoff. I would seriously suggest that she get everything either in advance or under serious contractual obligation -- absolutely nothing by verbal agreement or by "will".  A will can pretty much be changed, well, at will. Demonstrating sound mind could be an issue for change.  So many variables and possibilities. I would serious look into legal assistance on this matter to ensure your mother is not screwed completely by going through the hell and then having the payoff snatched out from under her by some loophole.

As far as how it will affect "A".. why does it have to?  Bring your mother to your place to continue the relations rather than taking her over to a hell pit.  Of course you will worry about Mom, and it'll show up in your moods and all of that, but geez.. I really don't see why you'd have to subject her or your relationship to visits over there.  Your mom is making her own choice - you need to make yours.

And the first course of action would be to get mom to an attorney to make sure she really gets her payoff for doing this.  

Those are my thoughts anyway...
Dave

[Sculpto]

Sculpto,
To be honest, i think your mom deserves to get whatever payoff she can grab from this. It will be some hard work and tough times. Some crazy and ugly times as well, but really, if she is up for the ride I think she deserves the payoff. I would seriously suggest that she get everything either in advance or under serious contractual obligation -- absolutely nothing by verbal agreement or by "will".  A will can pretty much be changed, well, at will. Demonstrating sound mind could be an issue for change.  So many variables and possibilities. I would serious look into legal assistance on this matter to ensure your mother is not screwed completely by going through the hell and then having the payoff snatched out from under her by some loophole.

I am not sure if I disagree with you.  My Mom made  alot of sacrifices and really got screwed in her divorce.  If she could get  payoff now it wouldn't be  abad thing.  But, I am just not sure she is thinking straight in regards to the demands that will be made on her to take care of someone with Alzheimers.  Dad can not drive anymore where he lives, so, driving here would be out of the question.  Dad is used to living in a really big house wiht pool and hot tub and gourmet kitchen and a luxury bath with all the amenities.  Mom lives in a small one BR in a complex and an ethnically mixed area.  Dad is something of a racist.  So.. anyway, you are right though, it is her choice and her life to live.

As far as how it will affect "A".. why does it have to?  Bring your mother to your place to continue the relations rather than taking her over to a hell pit.  Of course you will worry about Mom, and it'll show up in your moods and all of that, but geez.. I really don't see why you'd have to subject her or your relationship to visits over there.  Your mom is making her own choice - you need to make yours.

It doesn't have to.  But, there are two factors that worry me about it.  I will try to describe.  I might be worrying about nothing...

First of all is how she was about her own Fathers illness.  She internalized his suffering and made me pretty miserable before he died.  I had discussed with her in a fairly deep way the helth of my Mom.  My Mom is a cancer survivor but she has developed some other issues and needs more and more help.  "A" was very insistent that I should do everything to help my Mom, and that she would help me.  Dad was never brought up because she knew about the estrangement.

Second.. I am worried, and this worry may disappear depending on the outcome of this drama, that "A" may insist I do all to take care of my Dad, even knowing about the estrangement, just because he would be living locally and thats what a family is supposed to do.  I do not know if she would be flexible or not.  Hopefully it won't be an issue though.

And the first course of action would be to get mom to an attorney to make sure she really gets her payoff for doing this.  

Those are my thoughts anyway...
Dave

good advice.  I will tell my Mom.

[Sculpto]

Well, the initial shock of all this has worn off.  Venting it out on the forum helped me.  I know some people may feel I revealed too much personal info, but, I am ok with it.  thanks for the mature advice.  No need to continue this discussion.

[krimster]

What I would do
If I wuz you

I would go to www.youtube.com and look for every episode of the Andy Griffith Show, where Andy gives some advice to Barney.  I would pretend that this advice actually pertains to you.  I would do exactly what Andy said to do.

Yes, yes I would do that, and frankly so should you, and don't worry about crossin the street in Ukraine or Russia, don't worry the cars'll stop for ya.

-Opie-

[Gator]

Closure is important in these matters.  However, caring for your father seems like a horrible thing to do for money and a sense of closure.  Besides, Auntie has been with him for 30 years, so I doubt there is a lot of money that could come your mother's way.  I suppose your mother could derive pleasure in exacting her revenge.

If there is enough money to compensate your mother, I suggest that she take your father fishing one day.  She should call Scott Peterson and discuss how not to dispose of the body.

[Sculpto]

I don't disagree Gator.  I just wonder what kind of care he is getting now living in a house with a lesbian wife and her gf?

all kinds of weirdness getting stirred up by this.. little brother is on the psychotic edge... he seems to think there is no evil at work here.. in between his tantrums that is..

glad I did a lot of drugs so I don't remember sheet... hahaha

scary thing is I am the "normal" one in this family.

[krimster]

Yes, families can be strange.  My own poor dear mother's name was Maria, but after a tragic Rail-Road accident which amputated both her legs at the hip, the family now calls her Consuelo.  A silly, silly family, no?
 

[Sculpto]

Yes, families can be strange.  My own poor dear mother's name was Maria, but after a tragic Rail-Road accident which amputated both her legs at the hip, the family now calls her Consuelo.  A silly, silly family, no?
 

you remind of the manpanzee guy.

[krimster]

I am a Humanzee, my stripes are on the right side, not the left  Say what you will about baboons, but humans have the finest derriere of all the primates.

[JR]

scary thing is I am the "normal" one in this family.

It frightenes me...

[Boethius]

I know you didn't want comments, but, if your mother decides to take him back, before reaching a "settlement" with the lesbian wife, Mom should hire a lawyer to ensure she is not financially screwed again.  She should be insisting lesbian wife divorce Dad before Mom "takes him off her hands".

PS - If such a divorce proceeds, Mom should insist Dad have a really good divorce attorney and a forensic accountant.

[Sculpto]

Actually it ended well.  Mom decided to pass.. lesbian wife assures us he will be well taken care of. 

[Boethius]

That's good.  Probably best for your Mom.  And, no guilt for you if you choose not to have a relationship with Dad.

[Sculpto]

Exactly.. end of story.