after reading Married forum posts

[XMan]

It seems that marriage went one of two ways:

1) Things are, and have been, fantastic.

2) It was an twisted, evil, horrible experience where the men were beset with all manner of legal and emotional issues bordering on, if not well within the range of, complete disaster.

(Didn't really see anything in between, but I didn't read every post, of course.)

Does the latter scare anyone else here? 

I'm already working on a trip back to the Ukraine but feel like a cooler full of ice water was dumped on me. 
Maybe that's good.
But I don't want to see the boogey man (or in this case woman) at every turn. 
I think I've seen red flags, both in Russia and the Ukraine, and avoided them in the past, thankfully. 
But I wonder about the future. 
The poor bastards that got hammered didn't seem like they just fell off the turnip truck. 
But they still went down in some serious, ass kicking flames. 
Is this just Ukrainian Roulette?

Of course, anybody can be fooled by the intentions of an AW also. 
But one has a lot fewer legal options when marrying an RW/UW, and the damage seems more pronounced.   

Does not speaking "her" language fluently (I am a novice, a couple hundred words maybe) make it easier to be scammed?  I wonder.

[ECOCKS]

What makes it easy to be scammed is when you decide that reality doesn't apply to you. Apply all the rules you would if someone approached you with a "sure thing" investment deal which "almost guarrantees" you 100% every 6 monhts. When you encounter someone to good to be true, just remember she probably is.

This isn't really that difficult except for the one tiny little detail of marrying someone without truly getting to know them first. Marriage is difficult enough (50-50 chance or worse of success) without increasing the odds by rushing into things.

Schedule multiple trips, stay as long as you can, meet every family member possible, make sure she's taking language lessons and taking all the steps to come live in your culture. Pay attention to any kids attitudes, friends smirks and facial expressions and don't let yourself be led around by that ring in your....well, don't let yourself be led around.

Follow the commandments and pay attention to things like her timing, availability, financial situation and so on.

Good Luck!

[kievstar]

I think people tend to write about very bad things on the internet.  Is more interesting as success stories do not get long discussions.  I have been here about a year and I have noticed several people once married they rarely come back to RWD to talk about their life but will come back to RWD to ask a question.  I think many people like their personal lives "personal". 

But have to remember that most RW / foreign marriages are under 10 years and the 10 year mark IMHO tells you whether a marriage has a longterm success (I divorced my AW at 10 years and that is my base line).  We will see in the next 5-7 years many more RW / foreign man divorces in my opinion as many men date out of their league or are unwilling to have more children.  Many of these stories will never brought to the internet or show up in research studies.

There is enough advise on this board to limit the exposure of scam.  But you need to view this as marriage and not a potential financial hit. My advise if your worried about scammers and losing money than do no do RW dating.  It takes time, patience, understanding, trust, and a little money.  I find men who put a money tag on the RW process tend to fail.  Men who look for a happy family tend to win.

Personally I married a RW and it is an easy process. I changed personally a great deal as well. 

[Kuna]

Xman,

If you stick around here long enough you'll see men with a reasonable view of life and you'll also see those who may as well beg to be pounded into dust.

You'll find common mistakes:

- Vast age ranges and large age ranges - the difference being "vast" tends to result in no (real) relationship (or a decade long search) and large often ends in divorce after time;
- Grown men chasing "young girls" and not realising the girls grow into women just as the men start looking and feeling really old;
- Men who don't spend anywhere near enough time with a woman before proposing marriage;
- Men who pretend to know their GF deeply yet all they've ever done is be on holidays with them (i.e. little life experience shared between the two of them);
- Men who try to buy love (gifts, allowances, holidays, stories of personal wealth and exotic lifestyles, etc);
- Men who don't plan;
- etc

This isn't - or doesn't have to be "Ukrainian Roulette" but you CAN make it that if you try to...

There is advice available here on how to REDUCE YOUR RISKS...  but nothing can guarantee you of success.

If you ask the right questions, and pick the right answers,  you'll be a mile ahead of those that never found RWD before marriage.

I joined here as a curious observer... "somewhat experienced" - but a newbie in FSU Dating.  I was lucky only because I foudn the men that knew their stuff...  and then I worked like hell to get myself prepared.

I was lucky in some ways - but you can create your own luck.

Play this game straight and you can find an incredible lady as a life partner.  Treat is like a craps shoot and prepare for the worst.

Good luck - I suspect you're on the right track.

Oh, final though...  DO NOT be paranoid - just be certain you're being sensible.

Leave the euphoric, heady experiences until you're well into the relationship. Until then... just be prudent.

[JR]

Xman, Kuna and Kiev are giving good advice. A lot of the potential for disaster lies in one of the primary reasons men do this in the first place. Namely dating out of their league. You can do it and it can work. But it is a risk multiplier and many refuse to see it when confronted with it.

I was married to a RW for 10.5 years, she was 10 years younger than me and we'd still be together today if I hadn't left.

You always here about the train wrecks while the happy endings tend to slip by unnoticed. Keep your eyes and your options open.

[Kuna]

You always here about the train wrecks while the happy endings tend to slip by unnoticed. Keep your eyes and your options open.

Quite a few of these...  There's more than a few happily married guys that rarely or never visit here anymore...

MaxuuumUSA comes to mind.  Got here when his journey had already begun...  participated heavily and intelligently.  Married and then got busy keeping his beautiful wife happy.

Jet, Catzenmouse, jb and others were mainstays of common sense and good advice and now don't visit much or ever...

Don't get disheartened by the bad stories...  focus on the good things you could/should do and you'll be fine!

[groovlstk]

It seems that marriage went one of two ways:

1) Things are, and have been, fantastic.

2) It was an twisted, evil, horrible experience where the men were beset with all manner of legal and emotional issues bordering on, if not well within the range of, complete disaster.

(Didn't really see anything in between, but I didn't read every post, of course.)

Does the latter scare anyone else here? 

It's a lot less complicated than some here would have you believe.

1. Don't fall head over heels for a pretty girl who doesn't reciprocate your feelings. Sounds very basic, but look back at all the trainwrecks and you'll find this factor present.

2. Don't use cheap parlor tricks as "tests" for your GF, don't install keyloggers on her computer, don't think you can use the 90-day K1 window to bypass your obligations to know the woman you plan to marry. The aforementioned are the tools used by woefully inadequate men with little dating experience or social skills.

In another thread I was called naive and simple for clinging to these beliefs, yet I dated dozens of FSU women and was put through the ringer on at least one occasion before I wised up and understood that the temptation to do things the "easy" way (i.e., on the cheap, taking unnecessary risks based on silly romantic beliefs) was a recipe for disaster - there are no shortcuts and the basic rules of courtship should always be observed.

[Misha]

1. Don't fall head over heels for a pretty girl who doesn't reciprocate your feelings. Sounds very basic, but look back at all the trainwrecks and you'll find this factor present.

I would add that men have a tendency to explain away all the bad behavior they observe prior to commitment: usually they say its "cultural." Of course, what they really mean is that they will overlook any bad behavior as they are desperate to get that young hottie  :evil:

Another big no-no: underestimating how difficult culture shock will be. Quite often marriages go awry within months as she is going through culture shock, and he is completely clueless and not smart or patient enough to reassure her and help her get through it.

[Turboguy]

I think you are getting some good advice here.  I will agree with most of the others.  Don't worry excessively but do learn all you can from those here who have learned the hard way.  

As far as hearing the bad but not too much of the good, if I look at my own experience here, back when I was going thought the fiasco that was my first K-1 application, when I was searching for the wonderful woman who became my wife and going through some snags in the K-1 visa application I was a pretty active poster.   Now that I am just leading a normal and nice married life I check in to see what is going on but don't post nearly as often.   I think those who have said the married guys often just don't post as much are correct.

I am one of the ones in the group that Kuna talked about when he was talking about a 10 year search.  Part of the reason I searched so long was that for a lot of that time I was not as dedicated to finding the right woman as I became later but another big part is that I was wondering around in the dark.  I had no one whose brain I could pick.  The only friends I had to learn from were guys I met on big agency tours that were just as in the dark as I was.   Finding RWD made all the difference.   If you spend time reading as much as you can on RWD it will make a world if difference.  You won't waste the time using shady agencies.   You won't get as suckered in by scammers and serial daters.   Wasting money on trying to have a relationship with someone who is really a scammer is bad enough but many of us can't travel every time the wind blows so you lose time which is even more important.  

There are pitfalls and women who can make your life miserable but there are also lots of women who really want a good man and are far nicer, prettier and better than women you are likely to meet at home.  It is worth the effort.  

[Gator]

Good luck Xman.

Take the time to know your woman, and be nice to her.  Above all, have fun, so don't be paranoid.

[XMan]

Thanks Everyone.
I appreciate it. 

There are times I feel I've been wandering around in the dusk if not total darkness. 
Thankfully I haven't done anything too dramatically stupid thus far. 
I do admit to some recent paranoia, thus this original post.

Thanks again.