Can someone pls push my reset-button?

[janic]

Abstract: I met a RW at mamba and she was probably 'all that'. We had some chat, some phone calls, some video-chat, some more talks. Yesterday she didn't show up for a scheduled chat and today in the morning I get a an eMail from her stating that her family asked her for a serious talk, pushing on her that they couldn't live with her leaving the country and that she - after a bad night - agreed with it. She emphasizes that she likes me and is sorry for us not being "from the same country".

Now I find myself in a position a) realizing that my feelings for her were much stronger than I thought and b) wondering about a living for a lifetime in RU. It hit me pretty strong and I feel very much like vomiting.

Any comments? Any suggestions?

Shredded, j.

[BC]

Now I find myself in a position a) realizing that my feelings for her were much stronger than I thought and b) wondering about a living for a lifetime in RU. It hit me pretty strong and I feel very much like vomiting.

Any comments? Any suggestions?

Shredded, j.

You fell in love with a picture, chats, vid, whatever.  Replace "than I thought" with "than they should have been"

She didn't.

Always remember that until you meet, you are just penpals.

[TwoBitBandit]

NEXT!!!!!!

The bad news is that once you've excluded this young woman, there are only four million other women on Mamba to write to.

[BC]

That said, you could still meet the gal but it would be an expensive date.  There have been a couple of guys that settled in FSU, but IIRC they all came back 'home' with or without someone at their side.  A rather heady venture 4 sure.

If her parents still wield that amount of influence over her then she probably is not ready anyway.

OTOH look at how easy it was.. and how many more women are out there that might be willing to relocate.. -but I think first you should reflect on this experience and decide whether or not having someone from afar in your life right now is a reasonable goal considering how easy it was for you to 'fall in love, lust, infatuation', having your senses knocked about in a manner that led you to (likely) irrational thoughts..

[kievstar]

I think you need to get on a plane and spend some time with her and her parents.  How old is this girl?  Very unusual for a girl who has not met you in person to discuss with her parents on whether she can leave the country.

[janic]

That said, you could still meet the gal but it would be an expensive date.  There have been a couple of guys that settled in FSU, but IIRC they all came back 'home' with or without someone at their side.  A rather heady venture 4 sure.

I thought about living in RU a loooong time ago and it's very much a no-go. Primary reason for it is the lack of freedom in all it's forms.

That said I still considered today moving there. The outcome is still rather negative. - And there were reasons for the title I gave to this thread...

OTOH look at how easy it was.. and how many more women are out there that might be willing to relocate..

I'm aware of the amount. But the plain numbers are not so significant.

I think my 'wish-list' is somewhat different from the one of many members here and lowers the numbers of 'possibles' pretty much. Not very often that I meet someone like that. (Neither in RL nor online.)

She was very compatible; up to a point that surprised me very much. - I've some weird ideas about where I would like to spend vacations and she mentioned one as a wish. (And we didn't even remotely touched the topic before...)

I think you need to get on a plane and spend some time with her and her parents.

Worse: Ma and Grandma 

How old is this girl?

26

Very unusual for a girl who has not met you in person to discuss with her parents on whether she can leave the country.

They smelled that smth was going on.

And there's a reason for their worries: She had a thing with a foreigner before. From a European country. She moved in with him on frequent Schengen-visa (Three months, leaving, new visa, returning)
They broke up because she couldn't stand his jealousness anymore.

Sorry, I'm a bit imbalanced right now and lack the ability to write straight... (

Tnx for you input.

[janic]

I think you need to get on a plane and spend some time with her and her parents.

a) Going over there _right now_ is not an option. I'm on a business-assignment and _can't_ leave right now. Some weeks at least.

b) Can you lay out your idea a bit further? Talk about what?
The closest about what I was able to realisticly think was negotiating the place of residence... :/

[groovlstk]

I thought about living in RU a loooong time ago and it's very much a no-go. Primary reason for it is the lack of freedom in all it's forms.

For better or worse, in many ways people live freer lives in Russia than in the West.

[janic]

For better or worse, in many ways people live freer lives in Russia than in the West.

Yes, you are right, but I'm not sure how long it would take before I meet Mrs. Politovskaya...

[Misha]

...I get a an eMail from her stating that her family asked her for a serious talk, pushing on her that they couldn't live with her leaving the country and that she - after a bad night - agreed with it....

Any comments? Any suggestions?

Personally, I avoided women who could not make up their own minds as to what they wanted and where they wanted to live. An uncle tried to tell my wife that she should not go to Canada, she quickly told him to mind his own business. Her mother understood too well that when my wife makes up her mind about something, nobody is going to change it, including her mother or father.

So, from my biased perspective, I would simply look for a woman who is not so dependent on her family. Moving to Russia won't solve anything.

[Gator]

Janic,

Amid your response to other comments, don't overlook what BC wrote.   Your feelings progressed too far, too quickly.  This is exacerbated by the fact that you lost her - when we lose something it is human nature to exaggerate its importance, certainly far more than what it deserved.

You may think you know a lot about this woman; however, until you meet and spend a lot of time together you do not.  Nevertheless, you are ready to spend the rest of your life in Russia because of what you feel.

SLOW DOWN!

[BC]

For better or worse, in many ways people live freer lives in Russia than in the West.

Have to agree with that.. I'm a long term expat (40 years +) and have learned that home is where you hang your hat..

janic,

A lot depends on the ease of travel you are afforded, and of course the amount of time you have to invest.  If you feel limited now by other commitments, what's the future prospective?  Time on the ground is the most valuable long term commodity in this venture.

I briefly skimmed through your past posts, you seem to be the 'worldly type' and that's a big plus IMHO.  What is it about this one particular woman that has your briefs in a bunch?  

Surely you realize by now that you are swimming upstream.. -not to say impossible, but at the very least adding to the odds against you.

My experience is that the best relationships are effortless..

[janic]

Have to agree with that.. I'm a long term expat (40 years +) and have learned that home is where you hang your hat..

Uhm..... Expat where? - I'm 'on the road' for 30+ years of the 42 year I'm on this planet. My home are in general planes and trains...

If you feel limited now by other commitments, what's the future prospective?  Time on the ground is the most valuable long term commodity in this venture.

I work - already for a much-too-long time - on a project base. What I'm doing now are two projects. Probably the last ones of my life. I really look forward into changing lanes. In one of the two I'm just involved in a rather virtual way, mostly remote-consulting and counseling. The other one is way past it's projected timespan. - Partially because I went last year to UA for some months and by (yeah, beat me :/ ) prioritizing my own interests I messed it up. While being online here I had some walks around the block and stumbled upon an advertisement for flights to Piter. No, I can't go now. It would mean losing _a lot_ of money and be just insane.
The last estimate for the project was to end in May or June but the &$%§ economy prevented it. Probably it will go on until October or even November. If necessary I think it could be possible to go for a week in a couple of weeks. Maybe three or four. Earlier would mean sucide.

I briefly skimmed through your past posts, you seem to be the 'worldly type' and that's a big plus IMHO.

There's no such thing like the Internet if you want to leave traces... LOL!

What is it about this one particular woman that has your briefs in a bunch?

The possible compatibility. If you want to put it into a short form than I'm looking for a western style woman with an eastern mindset. And this gal fits this description pretty much.
Short form: Not lady-like and rather tomboyish. Doesn't cares a lot for clothing or looks, doesn't likes make-up, speaks multiple languages, educated, AND family-oriented.
I've written a lot of woman and chatted with quite some. She's #2 of several hundred who really attracted me. Acquaintance wasn't long enough to evaluate further but I would score her as very prospective. (If it wouldn't be for this 'sudden death'.) I was _really_ looking forward into meeting her and I'm very pretty sure she felt the same. Even in her last letter I can see it, without (I'm sure) interpreting smth into it what in reality isn't there.

Surely you realize by now that you are swimming upstream.. -not to say impossible, but at the very least adding to the odds against you.

Remember the thread-title. I don't think that there are feasible options and that we will in fact just stay lose friends.

My experience is that the best relationships are effortless..

Uhm.... Dunno. The longest-lasting relationships I witnessed were far from effortless...

[groovlstk]

That said I still considered today moving there. The outcome is still rather negative. - And there were reasons for the title I gave to this thread...

Janic, there are a few RWD guys living as expats in Russia - Chivo comes to mind and I believe Jooky is there, too. Quite honestly, before I met my wife I considered relocating to Moscow or Kiev for a few years. Most of the American men I know who live there permanently and have decent incomes love it.

But you'll want to do something like that for the right reasons, not in the wake of a failed online relationship - it's the same sort of impetus (the desire for big changes after a failed relationship) that once upon a time caused normally rational men to join the French Foreign Legion 

[BC]

She's #2 of several hundred who really attracted me.

Just don't tell her that LOL

Remember the thread-title. I don't think that there are feasible options and that we will in fact just stay lose friends.
Uhm.... Dunno. The longest-lasting relationships I witnessed were far from effortless...

Yeah, you made me reflect.. effortless to get in to, hell to get out.. LOL (just kidding)

I guess bottom line is that if you have the time and resources for a date then why not.. would at least resolve the chemistry issue and maybe have some fun.  Presenting yourself as nothing more than a date (and believing it yourself) might lighten the load.

Viel spass dabei!

p.s. born in US but with 45 years of long term residence in 7 or so countries, mostly EU.  Feel free to drop a PM for deeper exchange.  Sounds like we may be neighbors anyway.. LOL

[JR]

Whoop Whoop (sound of siren) "Pull over buddy, I'm going to write you a citation for speeding and wreckless driving!"

You're considering moving to Russia over a woman you have never met?

You need to get a grip right now. You are sliding down a slippery slope into dangerous waters.

Find someone, anyone as fast as possible to get your mind off this person. The best way to fight fire is with fire.

There is no love here. YOU ARE INFATUATED. You don't know who she is. You only know what you want her to be.

Get another woman in your life pronto. Hell get ten!

[janic]

Just don't tell her that LOL

U're mean...

Yeah, you made me reflect.. effortless to get in to, hell to get out..

Yep. Very much.

I guess bottom line is that if you have the time and resources for a date then why not..

Yep, possibly that's the only possibility if I'm going to pursue this alley...

At least I've the invitation that she would like to show me "alone or with [my] family" Piter.

Presenting yourself as nothing more than a date (and believing it yourself)

And here the problems start again...
Well, maybe I can see it as a training-session for 'abandoning all hope'... 

p.s. born in US but with 45 years of long term residence in 7 or so countries, mostly EU.

long term residence? That's something I just can dream of. I think I never staid for more than a couple of months in one place  without traveling...
The longest time I went to the same school was one year. The shortest not even a full day. And things didn't got much better when I grew older...

Building a family will be a challenge, because than traveling will have to end if I don't want to put my kids into the same difficulties I experienced...

Feel free to drop a PM for deeper exchange.  Sounds like we may be neighbors anyway.. LOL

You got one!

[janic]

Whoop Whoop (sound of siren) "Pull over buddy, I'm going to write you a citation for speeding and wreckless driving!"

That's a statement!   

You're considering moving to Russia over a woman you have never met?

• Considering isn't doing.
• I considered and wrote her that I considered and that I don't think that I could live there for more than some years before getting unhappy.
• Remember the thread-tile: Can someone pls push my reset-button?
  You already did pretty good.
• I'm still considering. I don't think that my scoring will change very much, but I do.
• I very much listen to the input here
• I think about other possibilities (in respect to her)

You are sliding down a slippery slope into dangerous waters.

Uhm.... Dunno. Probably just a bit shredded but unfortunately my brain never really stops working...

Find someone, anyone as fast as possible to get your mind off this person. The best way to fight fire is with fire.

The reason why I wrote some girls today... But nevertheless... 

There is no love here. YOU ARE INFATUATED. You don't know who she is. You only know what you want her to be.

No, I don't know. Correct. But I'm still _VERY_ interested to find out.

Tnx!
j.

[BC]

long term residence? That's something I just can dream of. I think I never staid for more than a couple of months in one place  without traveling...
The longest time I went to the same school was one year. The shortest not even a full day. And things didn't got much better when I grew older...

Building a family will be a challenge, because than traveling will have to end if I don't want to put my kids into the same difficulties I experienced...
You got one!

boy oh boy.. and I thought I had it bad...

All I really can think of is Circus.. LOL

Cheers@u

[Missouri-Hunter]

I think you need to get on a plane and spend some time with her and her parents.  How old is this girl?  Very unusual for a girl who has not met you in person to discuss with her parents on whether she can leave the country.

That surprises me. (But since I'm a noob, most things do anyway). I always figured that women would have thought it through and solved any issues with family before looking overseas.

[janic]

That surprises me. (But since I'm a noob, most things do anyway). I always figured that women would have thought it through and solved any issues with family before looking overseas.

I think the women you find at agencies have thought it through. But I'm (for several reasons) not really interested in agency-girls and have never registered with an agency.

My hunting ground are Russian dating-websites. - Sites where Russian women are looking for Russian men.

[As you can see] there are some risks, but OTOH I think I'm avoiding other risks. - I've never met a scammer there and personally I think my chance to find a GCG or smth alike are less.

[BillyB]

I met a RW at mamba

I get a an eMail from her stating that her family asked her for a serious talk, pushing on her that they couldn't live with her leaving the country and that she - after a bad night - agreed with it. She emphasizes that she likes me and is sorry for us not being "from the same country".

I checked out mamba and IMO it's probably the best place to hook up with RW and it's also free. But there's a big big problem there. Most the RW searching for a relationship there are solely focused on the local boys unlike the ladies at international dating sites and marriage agencies. Next time establish a RW ability to relocate before getting in to deep with her.

[janic]

I checked out mamba and IMO it's probably the best place to hook up with RW and it's also free. But there's a big big problem there. Most the RW searching for a relationship there are solely focused on the local boys unlike the ladies at international dating sites and marriage agencies. Next time establish a RW ability to relocate before getting in to deep with her.

Billy, please take no offense in my straight words, but: Please don't think that I'm stupid!

I did. Several times. We (she and me) discussed that topic and it wasn't a problem until now.

From my POV there are only two options:

a) the family pushed the right buttons
b) she isn't telling me the (whole) truth.

From what I know I bet a lot on a).

[Misha]

From my POV there are only two options:

a) the family pushed the right buttons
b) she isn't telling me the (whole) truth.

From what I know I bet a lot on a).

Again, would you really want to be married to someone who would be going to mom and dad to get their blessing for every decision she made? I was married to such a woman, and trust me, it was hell. Let her mom and dad find a man for her, you are now free to find someone who has already cut the apron strings 

[brucen36]

b) she isn't telling me the (whole) truth.

If you want to remove (b) as a possibility why don't you just offer that you would consider moving to RU to be with her.  Then see what her reaction is - it might make things clearer.