Is my Russian wife cheating on me or am I overreacting?

[BC]

FWIW, all three approaches - regardless of how far apart they are as recommended solutions to saving his marriage - would fail spectacularly because the marriage is already over.

Good point.

Another might be that a 'real' relationship never formed in the first place, not all that unusual IMHO with this speed marriage thing.

[GQBlues]

I've said it several times that this woman didn't do her marriage any favours but there's an assumption by most that she's cheated and there's absolutely no evidence of that.

Evidence?!? On RWD? Blasphemy! There's no use for evidence here. Conclusions are already made before the OP even get to click POST the first time. The funny thing is all kinds of ending gets thrown in too. Anecdotes, confessionals, people he knows who knew someone that knew someone - and therefore it must be. LOL.

There should be an addendum as the 11th commandment.

Save yourself time and money because she will undoubtedly cheat on you. It's just a matter of time. Ask the members, they know!


Doll-

I'm sure from a man's POV, that point is easily overlooked. Not so for women however. Thanks for the input.

The OP's wife barely had time to adjust to her new life before getting pregnant (probabaly why she never had the time to learn how to drive). Too bad thinking she needed a break.

LOL.

[Doll]

I'm sure from a man's POV, that point is easily overlooked.

It is often overlooked by AM though it is not hard to understand- this woman is young, she needs a company, some free time and being able to drive. She is trapped in her house with a baby. This is not the reason for cheating but you and me are not talking of it.
Feels like the OP is much older than his wife (I can be wrong), works a lot while she has to stay in the house all by herself.
And yes- she seems to love her husband because there was something about her being mad at her mom who doesn't think too good about this marriage.
Again- I don't think she is cheating.

[Faux Pas]

FWIW, all three approaches - regardless of how far apart they are as recommended solutions to saving his marriage - would fail spectacularly because the marriage is already over.

 

I can see that. It is likely the case here as well or as BC said if it was ever a real marriage in the first place. There has been much speculation from many directions and all of them could be right or wrong as there wasn't enough info to make any clear judgement.

From the opening post I read it as without doubt the marriage was over. He doesn't trust her and she obviously has no respect for him as a husband or a man. From some of the other view points here I was taken a bit aback as that didn't seem to matter.

I guess I was raised different than most who posted on this thread. My wife doing such an act is indication to me that the marriage is over. I have no problems with friends and spending time away from each other or her having men friends. I am plenty comfortable and trusting enough. The OP's wife in my mind, broke most every covenant of a marriage even if she didn't have intercourse. But thats just me  

[BC]

The OP's wife in my mind, broke most every covenant of a marriage even if she didn't have intercourse. But thats just me  

Oh the luxury of youth.. those feelings of immortality and infallibility.. we've all been there and probably done enough to make us sometimes shake our heads at those reckless acts today.. and understand why their insurance rates are so high.

You live, you learn.. they will too.

Have no idea about her age, but my gut tells me somewhere between 18 and 25 or so.

[GoodOlBoy]

Feels like the OP is much older than his wife (I can be wrong), works a lot while she has to stay in the house all by herself.

I don't know about everbody else, BUT...It doesn't sound like she is"alone" to me?   

"Husband's gone....the coast is clear Dima".  :evil:


GOB


BTW......What about her baby?....I guess he/she is a "problem" for her also?

[Jooky]

there was nothing about a hottub in the monologue

The word 'hot tub' is in the chat, right after the girl invites her friends over while her husband is gone.

I too feel it more convenient to invite my female friends to stay over when my husband is on trips.

It's clear enough that she's inviting male friends. Why would she even type a smiley after saying that her husband will be out of town? Sorry, what's in this chat doesn't fit with the innocent idea of her friends keeping her company while the husband is away.

While I don't think there is enough information in this thread, I don't understand at all the excuses being made for the information that we do have.

Are these men childhood friends or men she met online? Was this a temporary refuge, or is it a pattern of behavior? Is she trapped at home with a baby, or did she take the bus this weekend because her car is getting fixed? Did this woman have her child upon coming to the US and not have time to adjust, or has she been living here for years already? We don't know!

In the end what matters is whether this situation is acceptable to the original poster. Obviously it's not and there is enough lack of trust that he dug up his wife's private chat and posted it on message board. He also indicated that she's keeping on eye on what he's up to, which means either she doesn't trust him or she has something to hide and doesn't want him to find out. Again, the whole situation doesn't sound good to me.

[Misha]

It's not about temptation.. alcoholics drink because they can't stop, workaholics because they can't stop, add any number of addictions (yes food is one also) to the list.  All because they have difficulty making a correct choice.  Temptation is a symptom of imbalance or deeper issues and not the cause.

Try to quit smoking if your spouse smokes and coworkers (never smoked, but this is based on smokers that I know). It will be hard. Likewise, I would not recommend that a recovering alcoholic get a job as a bartender. Why put yourself in a situation whereby in a moment of weakness you will be able to easily get your "fix." If you make it a bit harder, then you will have a bit more time to think things through and stop yourself before you act upon impulses.

My power of choice exceeds that of temptation, resulting in nothing to avoid, thereby opening doors instead of closing them.  

If that is what you believe, I won't argue with you. I believe, however, that we all have our moments of weakness, and they may come at unexpected moments.

[Doll]

Guys, you're acting like kids though the OP is a real person with his fears.
Stop wring this nonsense that BC called the luxury of youth.
Come on!
Watch  what you are writing!

[Doll]

The word 'hot tub' is in the chat, right after the girl invites her friends over while her husband is gone.

Do you speak Russian? You don't.

[Lonewing]

And, FWIW, I know a number of women that have totally platonic men friends; I know that is difficult for some people to grasp, but it is possible. Yes, really, it is.

Perhaps it's hard to grasp because so many of us have seen "Platonic relationships" that start platonic and then months later wind up being something completely inappropriate?

I don't know about anybody else, But....I sure feel sorry for that baby.

He/She grows up knowing Mom goes out all night with men, comes home drunk days later and invites "Uncle Sergei" over to the house for a little "fun time " while Dad's away at work. 

Sounds like an outstanding environment for raising the next dysfunctional child in the GoodOl' USA.

BTW....As an added bonus, he/she will catch it from friends and enemies at school all day long...."My Mom says your Mom is a drunk and a whore"........nice.

My ex was a third generation dysfunctional child.  Her mother and grandmother both engaged in heavy partying every night or so, in a lifestyle void of moral fiber.  End result?  I can only sigh as I look at her daughter, the 4th generation, and know she will follow in her mother's footsteps.  The only end is sadly death; gen 1 died at 49, gen 2 died at 47.  Alas, gen 3 has not learned from their mistakes and I doubt her behavior will minimize her risk of becoming another statistic.  I doubt gen 4 will learn, although if something horrific enough happened to gen 3, perhaps gen 4 will get it through her own mind she does not want to be like that.

that reminds me, some women say that dancing in the ways you describe (rubbing up against someone) is a way for them to prevent cheating. Im not sure its good, but its definitely better than going and actually cheating. They will dance, but not cheat

With the experience I now have, I consider anything that increases feelings to be a form of cheating.  And grinding against another person has the distinct function of increasing each other's desire for one another, even if the words spoken are excuses or ignorance of lying to one's self.

I guess what you and Billy don't understand is that if your wife is going to cheat, she will cheat regardless of whether she is out partying all night or not. Stopping her from going out with friends will more than likely drive her away and weaken a marriage. Remember, trust is everything and once that is lost, you may as well give up.

If she is already cheating in concious, it is no longer a matter of trust.  She's already gone by this point.  It is a sad state of affairs.

Hope I never experience this type of love from a women.

I have.  It sucks.  Really, really, Really sucks.

Primarily because when my husband is at home - i rather spend time with him and don't have other people intrude into our home life, but once he's away - I may feel lonely and like to have a company at home. An extra pro is that when my husband is not at home - my friends will not be a nuisance for him - taking his time, or using couch space. I feel it is a win-win situation.

Here's my take:  My friends are your friends and your friends are my friends.  If you want to have company over, then there is no reason you can't have them over even when I am home.  In fact, I would enjoy having them over just as much as you would.  If your friends can't be my friends too, then maybe those people should not be a part of OUR life.  Marriage is not single life - it's a combined commitment.  Private friends on the sides does not enrich the relationship - it take energy away.

[Ask how I know!!!  Ok, I'll say it!  The last 6 months my ex has been having long deep talks with a friend of hers because she found him so easy to talk to, yet she was in no way interested in him.  I told her he would want to get too close - and six months later true to my word he starts trying to be too close.  I think it made her scared and sad.  No matter though, the damage to our relationship was already done.]

It's not about temptation.. alcoholics drink because they can't stop, workaholics because they can't stop, add any number of addictions (yes food is one also) to the list.  All because they have difficulty making a correct choice.  Temptation is a symptom of imbalance or deeper issues and not the cause.

That describes my ex to a letter.  Workaholic, alcholism [and jsut started, so very evry sad], everything to excess.  The real down and dirty is that she was unwilling to work on herself, and as a result she is now in the deepend devouring sharks.  Yes, she is the maneater in the pool, loooook out!!

Quote from: Misha on Today at 03:46:45 PM
Yes, some men and women may be saints, but the rest of us are mere mortals   Even with the saints, the continued appearance of impropriety will take its toll in one way or another (notably gossip).

It has nothing to do with being a saint, it's about making a choice and sticking with it. In my world it's not a difficult thing to do but maybe in yours, you are less committed? How do you say it? ah yes,

SJ, the fact of the matter is the majority of the population around us is easily compromised.  The greatest proof I can offer you is their insistance of a religion under which they are a child and the Lord is their master.  This religion makes people weak because they never move to the point where they develop their own internal moral values - the values are from an external voice.  And when they are outside the influence of that external voice, vice and excess become happy friends.  I watched this unfold with my ex.  So very sad.

"Commitment" is a very foriegn word in our world today.  Promises are so quicly broken I wonder why they are ever made.  And resolutions never seem to last.  A gerater number of people are becoming increasingly unable to make a decision and stick to it - they make one, then wallow back and go with the other road, and then wallow back all over agian to go back to the first choice.  It's like addiction, and it's sick.  Perhpas our society has had something to do with the destruction of our underpinnings to the point we no longer have a strong moral base.  It's lie we are simply Not teaching our children ANYTHING about what a realtionship is, how to be in one, or what it is supposed to mean when you are with another person.  Instead we have become inundated with the playboy channel Girls gone Wild: Coed College Addiciton" and put that on a pedastal as if that is the awesome way to live life.  Perhaps that's why we reach out to the east for a mate - we want someone who has moral fiber, and here this is a place with many voids of moral fiber.  It's unfortunate, but it seems bringing a person here is like bringing a none smoker into a smoking cirlce.  In time, they too will pick up the pipe...

There are some saints left.  We're just becoming fewer and further between.  You have jsut convinced me to do one thing: when I get stable again, I am going ot move somewhere far away from city influence.  I grew up country, and it made me the strong moral person that I am - even though I do not have a religion, I find I often have a stronger moral compass than those enthralled in religions.  My home is only safe if the vilalge around it is also safe, so that measn i must put my self itn the safest possible place where my family can grow and thrive together.

Alas, now where to find a girl who has a moral compass similar to mine!!

[Jooky]

Do you speak Russian? You don't.

I don't? How do you know this?

[JR]

Conjecture, conjecture, so much conjecture. And a healthy infusion of one's own personal moralities.....

Conjecture: Inference or judgment based on inconclusive or incomplete evidence; guesswork.

He came here asking if we think she cheated on him. There is no "proof" in the chats that she did. There is also no proof that she didn't gangbang every guy that showed up to the party and gave the guy who drove her home road-head all the way.

Does everyone miss this? Along with not knowing what she did we also don't know what she didn't do.

My personal belief is that if their marraige continues on the tack they are doomed.

Comparing apples to oranges doesn't work. Your personal situation is different from the OP's.  Some people are saying that the situation is OK because their spouce does this too. From what I've read the situations aren't the same. Saying his situation is OK because yours is is simply bogus. You are not him and he is not OK with it.

Yes, they need to talk.

Yes, she is probably missing her home and familiar environment.

Maybe he's not meeting her needs.

Maybe he's a control freak.

Maybe he beats her.

Maybe he screws around.

Maybe, maybe, maybe...

[Misha]

It has nothing to do with being a saint, it's about making a choice and sticking with it. In my world it's not a difficult thing to do but maybe in yours, you are less committed? How do you say it? ah yes, ":evil:"

Less committed? I will be the first to admit that I am not perfect and that I am not a saint. I work to become a better person, recognizing that I am weak. I will also be the first to say that commitment is a lifelong process, that requires constant time and energy. The commitment is not solely physical, but also emotional, and mental/psychological. Commitment must never be taken for granted IMHO, and must never be taken as a given. A loveless marriage where the two are strangers is also a marriage failing in terms of commitment from my point of view.

Besides, why would I want to put my wife through grief? Do you think she would like it, if there was gossip and friends told her that I was coming back in the middle of the night with women? She would not be thrilled. So, this would be reason enough for me to avoid putting myself in a position where I would create unsavory gossip that would hurt my wife.

[GQBlues]

<super-sized snip> Alas, now where to find a girl who has a moral compass similar to mine!!

Have you tried this?

[Ravens9273]

Have you tried this?

 

[AnastassiaAsh]

And that wasn't funny, that was freaky and disgusting. 


GQBlues, I am disappointed, and your smile there isn't helping anymore.   

[Doll]

I don't? How do you know this?

Because in this chat there is hardly any connection between somebody coming over and hot tub

[Jooky]

Doll, how would you translate this:

19:28:50 priezzhayte, muzh uedet skoro v utu, tak chto budu odna
19:29:34 chto o
19:30:06 hot tub(e)

And let me make it clearer:

19:28:50 priezzhayte, muzh uedet skoro v utu, tak chto budu odna
---> message from Dima missing
19:29:34 chto o
---> message from Dima missing
19:30:06 hot tub(e)

You really don't see ANY connection between her inviting Dima and friends over and the mention of 'hot tub' two lines down?

Do you think that the words 'hot tub' translate to anything else besides 'hot tub'?

You understand that this is only one side of the conversation, right? This is only what she typed, none of what Dima typed.

By the way, I do speak some Russian. Not well enough to read Voina I Mir, but enough to understand most of a Runglish chat like the one presented here. Regardless, my friend visiting from Moscow read this post with me. When I asked her if she thinks this girl is cheating, she gave me this look of "What are you, an idiot? Of course!"

Then again, she's a party girl in her 20s and you're a Russian woman in her 40s or so living in the US, so I should defer to your opinion of this conversation. 

[Jooky]

By the way, my personal opinion about this chat conversation is inconclusive.

I think this woman is definitely putting herself in a position to cheat. I have no doubt that Russian drinking buddies that she spends the night with are hitting on her, unless they're gay or from another planet.

Whether she's cheated or not, none of us knowns.

[GQBlues]

GQBlues, I am disappointed, and your smile there isn't helping anymore.   

Sorry Anastassia, the thread was getting too hot and heavy and thought to liven things up a bit. Besides, Ms. Tina is supposed to be a psychic. She can read past, present, and future. Thought maybe she can help Lonewing with his query. Apparently she can fix computers too.

[Misha]

When I asked her if she thinks this girl is cheating, she gave me this look of "What are you, an idiot? Of course!"

  Same reaction my wife had...

[UTRO]

My Sveta who is a 'red star' student with a degree in English feels that this lady is doing nothing more than chit chatting with a guy(s), like she would with girl friends. She feels that what she is writing is innocent..... stupid chatting.
If Sveta hadn't known that your wife was writing to a guy, she would have believed that she was writing to a Girlfriend.
Sveta feels that your wife is more into Alcohol than into Men 

[Lonewing]

Sorry Anastassia, the thread was getting too hot and heavy and thought to liven things up a bit. Besides, Ms. Tina is supposed to be a psychic. She can read past, present, and future. Thought maybe she can help Lonewing with his query. Apparently she can fix computers too.

Real cute.  Thanks.

I have accepted that my search is going to be long and hard and I may never find what I seek.  I do have enough other pursuits in my life that I could skip the whole family thing if I had too.  And besides the points, I really am still a baby compared to some of you.  So there's lots of time.

Alas, it is difficult to find people of high personal standards when the society we live in promotes such low standards as an acceptable norm.

[Gator]

There is only one conclusion:  The OP did not find the answer to his question in the 17 pages of this thread. 

It does not look good for hiii98, so I recommend that he and his wife consult with a family counselor.  There is a baby involved, so this is very serious.