Is my Russian wife cheating on me or am I overreacting?

[JR]

Sorry, I don't agree with that AT ALL - but don't let that deter you, just my personal taste as I said, probably others have a different opinion and you have an appreciative audience anyway, just don't include me in their number, I have a different palate.

I'm just teasing you Sandro. I've been out of the "I want phase" for some time. Happy sailing

[SANDRO43]

Happy sailing

Same to you, our respective compasses just point to a different heading, humour-wise . Chalk it up to a different magnetic deviation, ours is only +2°.

[JR]

Same to you, our respective compasses just point to a different heading, humour-wise .

Yes, quite. I have a sense of humor and you don't

That of course is a joke, only a joke and nothing but a joke!

[Jooky]

Mies, thanks for you explanations. I think you're extrapolating far too much and you tend to paint this woman as some sort of victim based on your own prejudices. (For example you seem to make a big deal about 'taking care of a home'. I  don't think that taking care of a home is a big deal).

The poster needs to answer questions as the information is simply not there yet.

For example, all we know is that this woman took a bus one time to Chicago to visit friends. Maybe she took the bus because she knew she was going to drink. I've done the same before. She rode the bus one time, it doesn't mean that she can't drive, or is cooped up all day watching children.

The original poster says his wife isn't allowed to fly. Either he's mistaken, or there is something extremely strange about his wife's situation.

You're right that it's suspicious that this woman is dealing with 'customers', in person, at night, while supposedly at home. I won't make any guesses as to what that's all about.

The original poster has said very little in this thread and most of what he's said doesn't quite fit together. We need more information and that's all.

[mies]

Mies, thanks for you explanations. I think you're extrapolating far too much

agree :-) I am extrapolating too much. but i do not try to paint the wife in white-orange-green-black colors or make her look like a victim. Just trying to fill in the gaps in the scarce information presented by OP. and yet - my extrapolations aren't that big as are extrapolations of some guys here who are calling woman an alcoholic and bad mother based on the information provided.

Regarding bus to Chicago - I suppose that depends how long does the bus-ride take. 30 minutes? an hour? 2h? 4? This also will make a difference. If the bus-ride is long - then she was not exactly going out with dudes. She was visiting friends in another town - and this is completely different situation. For example where did she stay at during this visit?
If a bus-ride is just 30 minutes - then she was staying at their place so as not to come back home late on Saturday night (or rather early on Sunday morning)

in case with taking care of house - that depends what exactly is meant by "taking care", and how big is the house. For example if man almost never cooks nor eats at home, cleans his bathtub and sink twice a year, sends his shirts to dry-cleaners, and vacuums his apartment in bi-weekly periods - I agree that it is not a big deal. If a woman has an infant to take care of, she is not getting normal sleep at night, she cleans apartment daily so that it's clean for child, if husband comes back home at the evening - she meets him with ready home-made dinner on preparing which she spent 2-3-4 hours, she washes and then irons the household's cloths, etc - then it's quite a big deal. Especially when she has both the child and the cleaning/cooking/washing etc. I am not trying to make this woman look like a hero - all women do this. But unlike some men think - all these are very time and energy consuming activities. 

I hope the OP will come back and will clarify whether his wife has own car, can drive/has valid driver's license, and the rest of interesting questions :-) That would really help to get better judgment on the story.

[OlgaH]

For example where did she stay at during this visit?

May be at the place where she forgot her just bought dress?  At Martynov's house with "the same men"...

she spent the night partying with her "guy friends"...  till 10am then came being dropped off from chicago to wisconsin by the same men who so kindly (hmm) drove her up here after she missed the last bus back home..

I am not trying to make this woman look like a hero - all women do this.

But not all married women have night parties with their "guy friends" leaving husbands with children behind

[Misha]

But not all married women have night parties with their "guy friends" leaving husbands with children behind

I agree with Olga. I couldn't see my wife doing this either.

[Aloe]

I agree with Olga. I couldn't see my wife doing this either.

Misha, i think everybody got that by now, no need to repeat thyself time after time It almost sounds like you are trying to convince yourself

[Aloe]

mies, you misunderstood the post. The assumptions stated are those made by the marauding males without the benefit of actual accounting. Not the opinions, like yours, based on what is actually given.
 

I don't agree she's having an affair either based on the presented information on hand.

The female opinion solicited is prompted by the overlooked fact the OP's wife just recently had a baby. They were married over a year ago and now has a child hardly a year old. What that appear to me is this woman had other MORE important matters to attend to the past 1-1.5 years. Getting pregnant, bearing a child, then nursing him to those early months.

I was not only trying to acquire a female's point of view, but in fact, like the OP's wife, a recently immigated female's point of view.

Thus, I believe, the couple decided that she needed a break from this period. Which, as I stated, parallels what my female friends and their hubbies had done as well in their respective marriages, that is, to give the woman some moment of refuge or a break. Would a recently  immigrated FSUW (which is where the solicitation of your opinions come in), given the events of the last year or so, be longing for some time off like local women seem to do(?) - and if so, would the longing include the familiarity of any cultural identification i.e. anything Russian, which would be far more easily accomodating.

Any woman would long for some time off when taking care of a small baby, i think. Doesnt matter immigrated or not;

[Aloe]

Now who's making assumptions? I never recommend a keyboard logger. I don't need a keyboard logger. I wouldn't marry the OP's wife because I would understand her lifestyle doesn't match mine before marrying her and maybe she's not ready to be a wife and mother. If a wife did something I thought was out of line, then we talk. I don't ignore red flags and do nothing.

You and a few RW saying there's no problem and nothing to worry about will cause the OP more harm than help. Lack of action in this case is worse than action. The OP needs help to build trust and make his marriage stronger. It's up to the wife to be a team player or leave the marriage and find a man that she can play with. Counselling is one option but I'm not too sure the RW wife will agree to that. If they weren't married and without a child, it's so much easier to break up and find a person(s) they could live with.

Wedding vows I assume are similar everywhere. Love, devotion, faithul, honor, cherish are some of the words use. It's not happening in this marriage. Does anybody seriously think nothing needs to be done after what the OP posted?

BillyB, nobody ever said it was ok. All we said you cant say that she is cheating based on this info, and we also provided possible explanations to her behavior. It doesnt mean we approve that kind of behavior.

[Aloe]

Mies, thanks for you explanations. I think you're extrapolating far too much and you tend to paint this woman as some sort of victim based on your own prejudices. (For example you seem to make a big deal about 'taking care of a home'. I  don't think that taking care of a home is a big deal).

The poster needs to answer questions as the information is simply not there yet.

For example, all we know is that this woman took a bus one time to Chicago to visit friends. Maybe she took the bus because she knew she was going to drink. I've done the same before. She rode the bus one time, it doesn't mean that she can't drive, or is cooped up all day watching children.

The original poster says his wife isn't allowed to fly. Either he's mistaken, or there is something extremely strange about his wife's situation.

You're right that it's suspicious that this woman is dealing with 'customers', in person, at night, while supposedly at home. I won't make any guesses as to what that's all about.

The original poster has said very little in this thread and most of what he's said doesn't quite fit together. We need more information and that's all.

You try taking care of a home, cooking dinner every day, going grocery shopping (by foot and no more than 5-6 kg groceries at a time), vacuuming, dusting, washing the floor, washing the laundry and ironing everything, then say its no big deal It may not be a big deal if you clean once a year and eat out but for some of us, who have higher standards, it can be quite a big deal. Especially for those who didnt have to do any of it before marrying.
I think the original post is trolling, too many things dont add up. Like her being at work, yet mysteriously he got a hold of her chat logs off the work computer, and other things

[Jooky]

You try taking care of a home... blah blah blah

I do everything you mentioned, with the exception that I only walk to the store when I'm living in Russia. I love cooking, and the rest is easy enough and a nice break from my typical 12 hour days at the damn computer.

It's funny you assume I wouldn't do these things because I'm a man? Where I grew up most couples split this type of work. In some couples the wife is a stay at home mom and takes care of all this and in some couples the husband is a stay at home dad. Most single men I know actually take better care of their homes and cook more often than most single women I know. The Mr. Moms I know are loving life raising kids, taking them to the park and bike rides rather than sit in an office cubicle all day.

That's not a lifestyle for me, as I enjoy running a business. But it's not overwhelming to run my business 7 days a week and take care of my home even on days where I'm also watching kids. So again, no big deal. People protest too much. Modern life isn't that rough.

Too many things dont add up.

Absolutely agree, and too many assumptions on both sides of the argument here.

[Misha]

Misha, i think everybody got that by now, no need to repeat thyself time after time It almost sounds like you are trying to convince yourself

No, but it is good to remind people that this is not typical behavior  :evil: As Gator pointed out, we are a pretty "boring" couple who tend to go to bed early after a long evening of bike riding, canning and perhaps a raucous game of Monopoly  :evil:

[Misha]

You try taking care of a home, cooking dinner every day, going grocery shopping (by foot and no more than 5-6 kg groceries at a time), vacuuming, dusting, washing the floor, washing the laundry and ironing everything, then say its no big deal

I agree with Jooky, it is not a big deal. It is called life. My wife and I split everything 50/50. There are many tasks that only I do (notably breakfast and vacuuming) and scrubbing the tub, some tasks that my wife does (the occasional ironing) and virtually everything else we do together. In addition to the tasks that you have mentioned, we have also been picking wild berries and making a variety of jams. I enjoy it, so it is not a big deal. When we have children, we will be splitting the work to be done as well (except for breastfeeding of course  :evil:)

[mies]

But not all married women have night parties with their "guy friends" leaving husbands with children behind

Olga, Вы лукавите,
she was not partying at night. She went to another town, about 200 miles or 300 km away. She went away for two days. At what time did she go to bed while visiting friends - is rather irrelevant question. Or is there a curfew for married women to be at bedroom 9pm sharp and wake up at night only to meet the needs of child and husband?
Plus, OP did not mind her going - he thought it was a good idea and he was looking forward to spend a weekend at home without wife. Is it a very typical behavior for males sharing their negative comments about this particular woman? Do you also enjoy spending a weekend alone without your wife? Olga, does your husband feel that it would be a good idea that you go away for a weekend чтобы ему никто не капал на мозги? I'm sure you have very different relation with your husband

[mies]

I do everything you mentioned, with the exception that I only walk to the store when I'm living in Russia. I love cooking, and the rest is easy enough and a nice break from my typical 12 hour days at the damn computer.

ok, daily math:
work at computer: 12 hours
cooking dinner every day: 2-3+ hours
going grocery shopping: based on 3.5 weekly shopping - about 30min/day on average
vacuuming: 20-40min
dusting: 30-60min
washing the floor: 1 hour
washing the laundry: load-unload - about 5 min averaged from weekly total time
ironing everything: 30 min (averaged from weekly ironing)
eating dinner: 10 min+
loading/unloading dishwasher: 10 min
lavatory use: 10 min
evening shower: 10min
dressing undressing: 10min

let's add up: 18h 25min
time left for sleep, wife, kids and forum: 5h 35 min  

[groovlstk]

ok, daily math:
cooking dinner every day: 2-3+ hours

eating dinner: 10 min+

Man, all that prep work just for a 10-minute payoff? 

[mies]

Man, all that prep work just for a 10-minute payoff?  

i was taking minimum technical value - not the hedonic one
naturally savoring the dinner will take more time 

[Jooky]

Ridiculous Mies.

These tasks don't take nearly the amount of time you've listed, and I do keep myself well fed and my home is clean. Maybe you need to take housekeeping lessons from me?  

I admit though, I usually sleep 4-6 hours daily. Not much more.

I don't buy all these lame excuses about how rough life is when you raise 1 kid, maybe work, maybe clean the house, maybe even you're stuck at home without a car. Cry me a river. It's just normal life.

The couple in question here is having problems. There is lack of trust and respect on both sides. This man has a gut feeling that something is wrong and it seems to be not only from a single weekend incident.

Maybe nothing to worry about happened over this weekend and it's wrong to fuel this man's paranoia, but it's also wrong to pretend that this type of behavior is normal and everything is hunky dory. He has a gut feeling something is wrong. As a weekend break instead of a romantic getaway together she chooses to go drinking with other men. They are both looking over each other's shoulders.

This is not normal in a healthy marriage, and the weak excuses of potential 'hardships' being presented here are things that wouldn't matter at all for a couple that loved and trusted each other.

[OlgaH]

Olga, Вы лукавите,

No I don't. I don't stretch the truth at least what was written by the OP while you try to make other story from his posts.

she was not partying at night.

How do you know it?

The OP wrote:

she spent the night partying with her "guy friends"...  till 10am then came home sunday night drunk after being dropped off from chicago to wisconsin by the same men who so kindly (hmm) drove her up here after she missed the last bus back home..

Does the OP know where exactly his wife spent all weekend? How did she meet that "guy friends"? Does the OP know her friends? Did she introduce her friends to her husband especially that the same men who "so kindly  drove her" or she hide them from her husband?  

Olga, does your husband feel that it would be a good idea that you go away for a weekend чтобы ему никто не капал на мозги? I'm sure you have very different relation with your husband

Mies, Your assumption regarding me being nagging at my husband or pester my husband was rude.

But, you are right that my husband and I have different relationship. Can you imagine  we spend our weekends together, we party together, we shopping, we travel together, we work together, we know each other's friends, we have nothing to hide from each other and we don't need to seek some kind of refuge from each other. Maybe such family life is beyond your comprehension.      

[OlgaH]

I don't buy all these lame excuses about how rough life is when you raise 1 kid, maybe work, maybe clean the house, maybe even you're stuck at home without a car. Cry me a river. It's just normal life.

Agree.

[Jooky]

she was not partying at night

The original poster said his wife came home at 10 in the morning still drunk.

She was either partying that morning or she was partying all night. Which makes most sense to you?

[BillyB]

BillyB, nobody ever said it was ok. All we said you cant say that she is cheating based on this info, and we also provided possible explanations to her behavior. It doesnt mean we approve that kind of behavior.

I think you got it backwards. Nobody said she was cheating but people have said her behavior is okay with a night out with the boys. She doesn't have to intend to cheat but being drunk she puts herself in a vulnerable position to do anything.

Anyway, I'd wish I could find a woman who'd make the big bucks and I stay home to clean. Maids who clean dozens of rooms and bathrooms a day for 8 hours a day do have a full time cleaning job. Some women who work wished they had a man that made enough money so they didn't have to work and they could stay home with their precious children instead of letting a daycare have fun with them.

[Misha]

But, you are right that my husband and I have different relationship. Can you imagine  we spend our weekends together, we party together, we shopping, we travel together, we work together, we know each other's friends, we have nothing to hide from each other and we don't need to seek some kind of refuge from each other. Maybe such family life is beyond your comprehension.      

The horror of it all! Robert must be quite the control freak, as I allegedly am with my wife  :evil: Sorry, couldn't resist. It is interesting, however, to see how there seems to be a need to normalize the atypical and the dysfunctional. These past few days, reading these posts, I feel as if it has become shameful to actually like spending time with one's wife and husband    

[Doll]

Anyway, I'd wish I could find a woman who'd make the big bucks and I stay home to clean.

You forgot- you also need to have a baby  AND work. Your wife will go on her business trips (continuously)