Need advice from experienced sources

[Rina_G]

To Vaughn

Absolutely agree

[ScottinCrimea]

We are seeing here another classic example of a man who senses that he is dating out of his league.  Whether this is because of the woman's education, beauty or youth, it's all the same.  A man who dates within his self determined league will not show the lack of self confidence that the OP is describing.  If you are convinced that you can offer the woman more than any other man, then her profile update will not be a threat to you because you know that she will never find someone better than you.

Women respect this attitude much more than the spineless man who begs her to remove her profile for fear that another man may turn up better than him.

Step up, show her what a prize you are, (by your actions, not just by your words) and she will focus on avoiding losing you rather than seeing you as just another option.  If she is convinced you are all that she desires, she will stop searching.

It's all about your own self esteem and how you project that.

[Muddy]

Ken1958 is KenC, they have the same writing style!

 Disruptive, trollish conduct.

[BC]

Boy oh boy...

Aren't we men so egocentric..

I propose that the ten commandments apply to men as well as women in this venture.

Here they are:

   1.      Never send money to someone you have never met.
   2.      Always have a back-up plan
   3.      Work to eliminate any agency from your communications.
   4.      Always get the lady's home address and home phone number as early as possible.
   5.      Verify the ladies you are writing to are real.
   6.      Do not fall in love with photos!!
   7.      Always be yourself. Show the ladies the real you. Be truthful. Use current photos.
   8.      Do not rush into this! Take your time and be methodical, not impulsive, about this process.
   9.      Treat international dating the same as dating someone from your home country. The biggest difference is the cost (travel, phone. etc). This is an expensive process. Don't believe anyone that tells you otherwise.
  10.      THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A MAIL-ORDER BRIDE! They do not exist.

and one that I believe should be included:  11.  Be a man

Other than gender's mentioned, any reason they should not apply to women?  Is it time for a uni-sex version of the commandments?

I think the most important one's are 8 and 9.  When dating at home, in the beginning there is usually a little pull and push act going on.  Boy meets girl, express interest, have a date, she catches him talking to another girl and wonders, he catches her talking to another boy which makes them wonder a bit and raises emotional and hormonal levels, there may be dates with other persons, each starts asserting themselves a bit more and a no or go decision made for exclusivity.  What fun are relationships without the chase?

With this international dating thing we want to go from first meeting to exclusive, bypassing all the interesting (and maybe necessary)stuff.  It's unnatural, abnormal, whatever.  Due to the distances involved and lack of daily interaction we want to forget about all that stuff.  The man wants to 'reserve' his place in her life at first date and the woman wonders if he is really going to come back or not.

In my book, they OP has only begun dating.  The fact that the OP even brought up dropping profiles could have even been viewed as negative in her eyes. "Even a dumb fish doesn't jump in the fisherman's lap so why should I" kinda thing.  And guess what...  she's right!

[Mod2]

Ken1958 is KenC, they have the same writing style!

You Sir, are repeatedly crossing the line.

One more such remark regarding KenC or any other member of the board and you will be muted without notice.

[Faux Pas]

I certainly can't speak for all the intro sites but I know that EMs has the same option for the ladies that it does for the men. That option is to simply hide the profile. It is easy and takes just minutes. When I first started communicating with my now fiancee and after we exchanged email addresses several weeks later I went back to look at her profile again and it wasn't there. I asked her about this much later and she told me of the option. She also said she was still getting emails and EOI and wasn't interested in anymore at that time. My profile was still up as I haven't even given any thought to taking it down or hiding it. I soon hid the profile where it remains to this day.

I said that to say this: to the OP, your girl is still looking. It isn't necessary to update her profile unless she wants to get MORE EOIs and emails. In her mind there is no exclusivity with you. Why, only you and her can determine. What I would suggest you do is to continue to play the game. Update your profile and continue your search. It may be over with this lady or it may not. You'll likely find another woman who will give you the attention and act in the manner you seek. In any event, you need to move on, it appears she already has.

Stay in contact with her if you wish. The tide may turn and she has second thoughts but, I wouldn't hold my breath if I were you. Other than what I mentioned above I never had any other conversation regarding profiles with my lady. I did find her on one other site (before any commitments) and never mentioned it to her. I did go back to those sites after several months and a couple of trips and her profile was nowhere to be found. Profiles are a tool for introduction and dating, nothing more. It's her's. Some sites she can control it and some she can't. EM's is one that she can so IMHO she is relaying to you, that she is still in the hunt.

[GregfromGa]

You Sir, are repeatedly crossing the line.

One more such remark regarding KenC or any other member of the board and you will be muted without notice.

Mod2, Why are you toying with this assdart? The insults he hurls at KenC are unacceptable and should be treated accordingly. One of the reasons I've always admired and frequented this board is because you guys never really tolerated this type of posting.

[Gator]

Vaughn,

I know you miss your wife.  However, her absence is giving us much more of your time and the benefit of your experience.  BC is also chirping away some wise tidbits. 

Your following quote of your wife echoed exactly my discussions with my wife in our first few months of dating.

One of the things she told me was, "For most of my life, I've experienced broken promises and disappointment..."
 

My wife kept her EM profile active even though I was concentrating only on her after our first meeting.   Anyone could see that my romantic pace was faster than hers.  It happens all the time in real dating.

My wife, however, gave a different explanation.  She said, “I know you really like me.  Will you still like me when we know more about each other?”

Doc, if you are still reading, RW are pragmatic, especially those who have been through some difficult times.  Russian people in general are also natural skeptics, ingrained in them in a Darwinist manner.  Do not expect RW to move at your pace.

I recall a survey reported many years ago about some of the early marriages between RW and AM (most respondents were engaged within one week of their first meeting).  A vast majority of the AM reported that they were in love when they married.  A vast majority of the RW reported that they married in the hope of love. 

[Gator]

Mod2, Why are you toying with this assdart? The insults he hurls at KenC are unacceptable and should be treated accordingly. One of the reasons I've always admired and frequented this board is because you guys never really tolerated this type of posting.

Greg,

Please be kinder to those who as a kid rode the short bus to school.  It is our duty as a humane society to help them as they attempt to mainstream. 

[Doc Rep]

I guess I have a lot of explaining to do. I will also try to answer all of the questions that have been asked.
1# I wrote this headed out the door to go to work I have been able to read the postings on break at work.
2# I know that I have trust issues and will explain what I mean. I wanted to verify if it was my issues or what. The Doc part of the name comes from the fact that I am a Navy reservist. I am combat medic. About two years ago I was in Iraq, my what will be ex wife in two days got her a boyfriend and spent over $70,000 in the 9 months I was in Iraq. Kinda makes you not the most trusting person. I have been left with all of the debt load. L. knows of all of this. My states divorce laws are very fouled up, that is why one reason it is not final yet. It will be in less than a week. L. has seen the court fillings and also knows that I paid extra to have it rushed through the court system.
3# I have more experience with Russia itself than most. What I mean by this is the ex and I adopted a son from an orphanage in Saratov in 2003. This was not my first trip there. It was my third. Also if anyone is interested in the adoption process or is considering it I would be more than happy to help.
4# As far as the next meeting, we both agreed on it being in early November. This was done for a couple of reasons. Neither of was sure when we could get off of work at the same time. She knows that I will be there as soon as she confirms the dates. We have talked about going somewhere else. Also if that meeting goes as we both hope I fully intended to propose. I have had the ring for a while now.
5# One thing she has said matches up to what the female poster said (sorry I do not remember the name I just got off work) As soon as I do propose the profile will go away.
6# The profile did not bother me until it was updated.
7# There are some of you that had some valid points I would like to p.m. you if possible
Doc Rep

[Aloe]

well that just explains it, i would not hold my breath for a married guy, no matter what stage of divorce you are at, you are still married. Divorce can take years. Also what online dating teaches you is there are so many liars there. She may be afraid that you lied to her about divorce and arent intending to divorce at all. I know some guys go into very elaborate schemes to trick girls. 1 guy even showed me his "bank balance" with a dozen mil bucks in it. Why would any sane person do it, unless its fake? So you showing her divorce papers, i dont know... Id be VERY skeptical in place of that girl

[GoodOlBoy]

Hello Doc Rep and welcome to RWD.

I have a problem and need some advice from unbiased and knowledgeable sources.

You have come to the right place Sir.

Late last month D. had turned a minor disagreement into a major blow up. Needless to say his relationship with L's mother ended badly.

Sorry to hear about her Mom's troubles, maybe she will have better luck next time.

If I could ask, how old is "Mom"?

Her point was if something went wrong it was a lot of trouble to open it back.

This is simply NOT TRUE as Gator and FP have already explained up thread (she can simply click a button on EM and "hide" her profile).

.......she added new photos to her profile and changed the wording some......

Sorry guy, BUT....Your girl just "bitch" slapped you. Understand?

Up until this point of your story I would agree with some of the other members here on RWD (IE: clear the "air" with her, discuss your concerns).

But after "upgrading" her profile there is only one clear thing for you to do here and you know what that is!!

When I asked about it she said I had nothing to worry about that she had been asked to update her profile.

More LIES.

 

Following bad advice,......

Wasn't from a guy named "Muddy" by any chance?

I had friend set up a profile with a new email address that I made as the contact info.

Look Doc, this kind of behavior is stupid and immature.

I do(n't?) like doing this, it feels dishonest.

Then don't do it again!!

Again Doc, two wrongs don't make a right.

There is NOTHING confusing about this ladies behavior.

She is not "into you".

Will she continue to see you?

Of course...along with many other men.

Will she go on a "paid" holiday with you somewhere?

Of course...along with many other men.

Do you get my point here Doc?

I am sorry Doc, BUT.....You are NOT her "only one".


GOB

[Doc Rep]

L. is a lawyer and as I said she has read all paperwork. I have explained the process and she knew that from day one. When I saw the concern about it. I explained the complete process and then showed her the reciept from where it has been refiled and will be official on Sep. 2nd. Her only issue now is that she wants to make sure that it could not  be a habit. I have explained everything that happend and she even has talked to my son. He told her that his mama has already moved in with her boyfriend. I have went to great lengths to smooth this issue over. The marriage was not going well before I left. I was doing all of the house work, all cooking and cleaning, all yard work, doing all of the finacial work for the household, plus working six days a week plus the reserves. I did all I could to hang on as long as I could. It took moving out to find all of what was going on and find out all of the things she did while I was gone.

[GoodOlBoy]

....no matter what stage of divorce you are at, you are still married. Divorce can take years.

And the "scars" of divorce can take MANY years to heal!!

Doc, do yourself a BIG favor and follow some words I read a long time ago: "Physician, heal thyself". (Luke 4:23)


GOB

[Doc Rep]

Mom is 46 L. is 26. GOB some of what you say is the other thing that has me wondering. D. has brought this up a few times. I have gotten to where I take what he says with a grain of salt. You know the scorned lover looking to get even. This all happend after their problem so I was thinking she was running scared. I got a s.m.s. message and a email from her yesterday. They were in the middle of moving. This was a planned move. She wanted me to call yesterday which I did. After all of this I will more than likely remove the fake profile. Also, I forgot one question that has been asked, I have given any money and have not been asked for any. We have disscused gifts and such we have both made the commit that it is not the cost but the fact that it comes from the heart. Here is my example. Like a lot of Southern men I wear a cap most of the time. I am very protective of them. I had one with me over there. I was not wearing it at first. Before I left I started to wear it. Needless to say Some of the photos that D. sent me while I was there that cap is in.

[GoodOlBoy]

My final words to you Doc.

If you continue to pursue this relationship (which I strongly advise against doing).

Don't get involved in Mom's love life.

If Mom finds another AM, let her do it on her own.

And finally, don't wind up being a "mule" for this family.

Good luck.


GOB

[Faux Pas]

L. is a lawyer and as I said she has read all paperwork. I have explained the process and she knew that from day one. When I saw the concern about it. I explained the complete process and then showed her the reciept from where it has been refiled and will be official on Sep. 2nd. Her only issue now is that she wants to make sure that it could not  be a habit. I have explained everything that happend and she even has talked to my son. He told her that his mama has already moved in with her boyfriend. I have went to great lengths to smooth this issue over. The marriage was not going well before I left. I was doing all of the house work, all cooking and cleaning, all yard work, doing all of the finacial work for the household, plus working six days a week plus the reserves. I did all I could to hang on as long as I could. It took moving out to find all of what was going on and find out all of the things she did while I was gone.

Doc

Reading more and more of your follow up, it is pretty clear. You are still married and regardless of the standing and intricacies of that bad marriage, you are married until you are divorced. It's really no wonder that this girl is still playing the field. Who could blame her? In her eyes you are a married man she dated, likely nothing more. She's not seeing any advancement on the relationship until your current one is over. You have some personal house cleaning to get done before you can honestly pursue anyone. You should put everything on hold until it's done.

[Rina_G]

I propose that the ten commandments apply to men as well as women in this venture.

BC
I love you
I adore you
your tens commanderments are real tresure
it retales for women too.
I take this for my using.
thanks

[BillyB]

  I recall vivdly how Elvira and I would retreat to her kitchen table and have these pre-dawn
chats that would encompass hours - amid many cups of coffee or tea. One of the things she
told me was, "For most of my life, I've experienced broken promises and disappointment..." It
was a clear signal that much work lie ahead in gaining her confidence. To demand her profile
be pulled at such an early crossroad would have been counterproductive to her needs, and
in light of her deadpan sincerity, quite selfish and insecure of me.

I wouldn't say Doc should demand his lady to pull her profile. It's actually good that it's still up so he can see her behavior and get a read which direction his relationship is going if he even has one. But he's still married and she knows nothing is guaranteed.

I've communicated with thousands of ladies. Some post photos much younger than themselves or of different ladies although they are not scammers. On the instant chat site I tell the ladies I'm a serious man who has been to the FSU and can visit if I find one that's compatible with me. I ask to exchange emails and photos and to talk to them on the phone. Some say they will send me an email. Half don't. Some ladies responses to me are short such as "hello", "yes", and "no".

It's easy for me to accuse them of being lazy, not serious, women of words instead of action, and liars. Truth is maybe they like another man better and giving him the attention I seek or maybe they aren't "into" me. All it is is that everybody is just trying to find someone they are attracted to and can live with and most likely they can only choose one out of thousands. One usually goes through a lot of rejection before finding one to marry.

I've written to some gorgeous women who you might think is out of my league but she may think I'm within her league and be into me. Most model quality women will not be into me of course. I'm 39 and I've had women in their 40's up to 49 write to me hoping I'll be into them. If I don't give them the attention they're hoping for, they may label me as another lazy guy on the internet when in fact I'm giving most my attention to others. It's natural that we seek something better or better looking than ourselves.

Doc, quit talking about how your wife screwed you over. It looks bad due to the fact you made bad judgement marrying her. It also implies you're weak and you get ran over easily. All you can do is get your divorce final and hopefully your RW sticks with you till it's done. If a better prospect comes along and visits and wants a relationship with her, you're done. She's keeping her options open.

[GregfromGa]

Just my opinion and certainly take it as just an opinion. If the girl I was writing and had went to visit was writing to other men then I would be out the door. I dont know what you agreed to when you were there but obviously she has not taken down her profile. She's looking for something better. Keeping her options open. As far as the mother, well I'd stay out of fixing up mama for now.

[Misha]

And finally, don't wind up being a "mule" for this family.

Something tells me this may be the case here  :evil:

In reading this post, my conclusion is that she is not really into him. The fact of the matter is that the elusive "chemistry" happens in the first few minutes or perhaps in the first few days. If she is still looking (she is if she is updating her profile and adding new photos), clearly she was not lovestruck IMHO. My question would be as follows: does the OP want to be the guy that she settled for because she didn't find anybody else?

Should she be worried that he will not come back? Maybe, but at least he went and met her, which is already leaps and bounds more than most men do. 

[neo]

what a debacle.

[Rina_G]

Just my opinion and certainly take it as just an opinion. If the girl I was writing and had went to visit was writing to other men then I would be out the door.

May I ask you - are you married on FSU woman?

[Doc Rep]

My ex and I met ironicly at my ten year high school reunioun. It was such a big school that we did not know each other then. As somebody said I should never have made the mistake in getting married to begin with. But that is another long story to begin with. I went ahead and pulled the fake profile. As I said to begin with I did not feel right about it.
Doc Rep

[kievstar]

Doc, your not ready for marriage.  Get your divorce and do not get married for three years.  You need time.  No one should jump from one marriage to another that quickly.  Let three year pass.