Difference in perceptions

[ScottinCrimea]

Someone mentioned a book by Dr. Laura, and for those of you who might disagree with some things she says, much of this book is right on.  A quick summary is that what women don't understand is that men are easy.  Women complicate things by assuming we are as difficult to understand as women are.  In a nutshell, all men want are three things (the three A's) - Admiration, Adoration, and Appreciation.  A simple example:  When he does something nice for you or buys you something, simply give him a hug and a peck on the cheek and say, "Thank you, Dear, you're wonderful".  He gets all three needs met in one quick dose.

Some have tried to simplify it even further by saying that men have only two needs: "If I'm not horny, fix me a sandwich"--- but this only relates to physical needs.

These little complaints he has about you are not the underlying problem, they are symptoms of some deeper concerns that he feels he can't or shouldn't talk with you about.  All you can do is be patient and not take it personally.

There are two 2 word Russian phrases a RW can give in response to these minor complaints.  The first impulse is to say, "y shto?".  After years of training my wife taught me that the appropriate response is, "da daragaya".  It seems to have a much better effect.

[Jazzyclassy]

Look Aloe I think you should take it easy and do not make something out of nothing really , it is only adjustment to each other  that's it , nothing more to it!:) Unless you love imagining things
I am sure you both love each other and it takes huge amount of patience and time to get used to smoothly live together in the same household, all those little things are perfectly natural. I see no malicious things in his actions, he is probably as offensive as you are so you both can not overcome your pride to just simply talk and try to give a little more understanding towards each other!
As far as the conversation floats about forums, i would be careful here as well for your information a lot of forums have the same nature and what you saw on Belgium forum is not that much different  from any other forum in the internet!
You always have your parents with whom you can share your personal experience and problems or real friends with whom you can always chat!
I tell you from my own experience 

[GQBlues]

Based on what you posted so far Aloe, I would refrain from labelling your man an arse.

Anyway you look at this, the fact is you are now living in his space. It's so easy to overlook this because emotionally for most of us we'll romanticize the notion of being a couple, to being together, as something much more important. That's fine, but we still need to recognize changes in the dynamics of how we lived our lives before it all. It still doesn't change the fact you are now an entity living in his lair and he needs to adjust to it more so than you. This doesn't mean you need to walk on egg shells either. There's so many ways this can be dealt with in an unproductive manner, only one way to do it right.

The very fact you are now listing annoying things that he does tells me you're no different than he is at this point. You can tell yourself you're happy and had not even noticed any of those things, but I won't believe that to be true. Maybe you didn't allow it to bother you like it had for him but they are as significant. Again, the only difference between the two of you right now is the fact you are in his space instead of him in yours. Had the roles been reversed there's better than a good chance you would be the one playing his role today.

Understand this is the period of adjustment for both of you. He may be under stress not of you personally, but because of you and his commitment with you. It is not the persons in both of you that need attending, it is the recognition of the time you're both in right now. Always be graceful, always be considerate. Everything else will fall into place. If exhausted and still proved persistent, then one must accept the inevitable.

No one else knows him and you're relationship with him better than you. Fully relate to that fact and stand behind it with conviction. From a man's POV, I can relate to what your man may be going through right now. What may appear benign to you from your vantage point could easily appear overbearing from his. I know you already recognize this because that how you titled the thread. These are things that you both need to help each other out with instead of using it/them as your platform to score points against one another.

These are the times after the thrill has gone. Life happens.

[Jazzyclassy]

I also forgot to tell that, there is no ideal relationship at all in this life and it is you and your husband's hard work to make your love become much more then just "naked love" it all goes together- understanding, patience,taking care of each other's  point of view, respect, always put yourself on his place ( the same he should be doing BTW) and many many other things. All of this make this love and this relationship close to ideal and special and you will live happily
People do have their moments, which is fine, just have a little argument, get rid of those negative emotions , we all have to do this sometimes,but always remember that, the annoying feeling will go away and you will be left with agony of remorse of what you have told to each other and would not know how to apologise, so before having this huge fight , just make a pause and take a deep breath and try to avoid it!
For you it is extremely difficult at the moment you are in a different country where everything is so distant and so unfamiliar and you feel that you live a semi -life, but with time you will feel much more better when you know the language , when you will have new friends and will have a job and then you wont concentrate on such little things as you were describing -toothpick on the table or bus information.
Не руби с плеча! Все будет хорошо!

[boaterguy]

I've thought about this a little and thought I would relate a little of my observations about my wife.

My wife tends to try to analize and comprehend every little expression or emotion I display. To this day it still amazes me some of the thoughts she thinks are running through my head! 90% of the time my wife reads something into a situation that is not there at all!  

Perhaps you are doing this Aloe? If you are doing this I must say as a man it is very frustrating! It is very difficult to respond to something that is not there. Thank goodness my wife grew out of it for the better part, only the occasional hiccup now.  

[ScottinCrimea]

I've thought about this a little and thought I would relate a little of my observations about my wife.

My wife tends to try to analize and comprehend every little expression or emotion I display. To this day it still amazes me some of the thoughts she thinks are running through my head! 90% of the time my wife reads something into a situation that is not there at all!  

Perhaps you are doing this Aloe? If you are doing this I must say as a man it is very frustrating! It is very difficult to respond to something that is not there. Thank goodness my wife grew out of it for the better part, only the occasional hiccup now.  

Like I said before, one of the hardest concepts for women to grasp is that men are very uncomplicated and easy to understand.

[KenC]

Aloe,
You and your husband are just going through an adjustment period.  An international marriage has many more areas in which to adjust than a marriage between locals.  You have received some very good input here (ambach's aside) and I would like to give you my 2 cents worth too.

Groov and others have touched on this, but I would like to explain it more.  We men are very proud of our home countries even if we do not always show it. When our women come to our home country, they tend to point out all the shortfalls in our country.  Some of them are deserved and some are not.  They are just differences from your Mother Russia.  We also tend to take these negative observations as complaints.  The longer you will be in Belgium, the more you will only have good warm thoughts of Russia.  This is human nature as "absence makes the heart grow fonder."  It is all a matter of "give and take."  For everything "wrong" with Belgium, there might be two or three things "better" than Russia.  In reality, things are just different from what you are used to.

This "give and take" does not stop with differences in cultures or countries.  It is the building block on which to build a strong and happy marriage.  Living with another person requires that you "give and take" but almost more importantly you give each other the benefit of the doubt.  Both of you are guilty of not doing so from what you wrote here.  You both are taking only the negative point of view on each others actions and words.

When your husband blew off your request to check the bus schedules, he could have had a bad day at work or he might just have felt overwhelmed by your dependence on him.  (And we men do sometimes feel overwhelmed by the added responsibilities we take on with a foreign bride.) Better than to feel hurt and continue to press him at that moment it would have been better to just drop it.  Later, after dinner, I am sure your results would have been much better if you politely asked your sweetie for help in finding your information.  Pushing for a resolution to YOUR problem right there and then only added to his frustration and led him to throw out some angry words in your direction.

The kabob story is funny to me.  Hungry people get mean.    We heard your side of it but consider his side.  He is hungry.  He stops on his way home to buy the needed food.  He may have resented having to do what many consider YOUR responsibility (prepare dinner), but more than that, he had to drive home hungry and smelling the tasty kabob all the way.  Regardless of his compliment to your cooking (which may be true or not) he probably was salivating for the kabob by the time he arrived to you.

You both need to give each other a break.  You two are both doing things that irritate each other.  Talk about them.  Make it a fun little game.  Have each other make a "b!tch list" of little things that irritate you.  Post it on your fridge for both of you to see.  Maybe toothpicks and socks will be at the top.

But most of all, both of you need to remember all the good things that brought you two together!  Never forget it.  Best of luck to you.
KenC

[OlgaH]

Aloe,

KenC has written a very good post with so much wisdom.
 
Your husband and you are going through the process of adjustment to each other, to each other's habits, you both discover something new about each other through making a life together under one roof. For some couples that something new can be turned not only into conflicts but disillusionment...

Everything depends only on both of you, on your love to each other - how you both will be able to find a compromise.

But most of all, both of you need to remember all the good things that brought you two together!  Never forget it.

That's true.

As John Gottman wrote in one of his books, that a couple should have not less than five positive exchanges for one negative exchange, otherwise the couple is headed for troubles.  

And don't let anybody humiliate your life partner, just think about how would you feel being humiliated by somebody, even during a privet or anonymous conversation between your husband and that somebody, and your husband, dearest one, will silently swallow the insults towards you...  

[Gator]

The kabob story is funny to me.  Hungry people get mean.    We heard your side of it but consider his side.  He is hungry.  He stops on his way home to buy the needed food.  He may have resented having to do what many consider YOUR responsibility (prepare dinner), but more than that, he had to drive home hungry and smelling the tasty kabob all the way.  Regardless of his compliment to your cooking (which may be true or not) he probably was salivating for the kabob by the time he arrived to you.

If heads were calm, the two of you would have quickly decided to cut the kabob in half and both of you shared it.  Meanwhile the homecooked meal is warmed, and when ready it too is shared.  The two of you may even have laughed at the absurdity.

When a conflict occurs in the future, try to remain calm and search for a win-win compromise.  Not easy when inexperienced at this.  Disagreeing about who eats what is senseless and exacerbates a small problem into a bad situation, perhaps so bad that emotions peak and previously unresolved issues resurface and everything goes to hell.

[Sculpto]

Happy to see this thread has been oriented in the right direction and so much great advice is being given to a very sweet lady. 

[Misha]

A simple example:  When he does something nice for you or buys you something, simply give him a hug and a peck on the cheek and say, "Thank you, Dear, you're wonderful". 

Isn't this related to the train your husband as you would train a pet philosophy: with both, ignore the behavior you do not like (i.e. don't nag) and reward the behavior that you appreciate  :evil: Over time, both pet and husband will do less of the former and more of the latter 

[Blues Fairy]

Isn't this related to the train your husband as you would train a pet philosophy: with both, ignore the behavior you do not like (i.e. don't nag) and reward the behavior that you appreciate  :evil: Over time, both pet and husband will do less of the former and more of the latter 

Super advice; applies to kids as well.

[SANDRO43]

WANTED

Husband Trainer

Qualified applicants should be experienced in handling efficiently this awkwardly difficult breed, with particular reference to discouraging/eliminating certain obnoxious habits of his, like:

- Leaving his used socks unattended wherever
- Leaving the toilet seat in a raised position
- Not sharing kebabs originally intended for wife
- Not making vital bus information available
- Complaining that wife is a complainer
- Being Belgian (a major fault in itself, as any Frenchman will attest )
- Marrying a Russian girl (worst of all )

The above list is not all-exhaustive, further contributions are welcome .

[OlgaH]

Isn't this related to the train your husband as you would train a pet philosophy: with both, ignore the behavior you do not like (i.e. don't nag) and reward the behavior that you appreciate  :evil: Over time, both pet and husband will do less of the former and more of the latter  

a problem regarding the pet philosophy is if you ignore  shoe chewing, urinating on carpet, scratching the corners of the couch they will continue to do so  

[JR]

Aloe, can I lick your toothepick? Hehe!

But seriously: If the the toilet seat is up, put it down. That's why it goes both up and down....

Never allow anyone (hubby included) to call you derogatory names. You have the right to be respected, even in an argument.

You have invaded his space and knocked him off balance. He doesn't know how to react to your constant presence. You probably feel something similar. It will take time to find your (as in a couple) particular routine. A lot of the little things like socks and toothepicks will work themselves out it you don't let them overwhelm you. Try to give him some space.

On the other hand if he continues to do things he has already admitted he knows to be wrong he needs to become accountable for changing them. He needs to "man-up" and stop himself when he finds himself doing those things.

If you can't afford a councillor try to find someone you both respect and see if they would be willing to help with some intervention or holding you both accountable. This worked a few times with my ex where her mother stepped in and played the part of councillor.

[Aloe]

thanks everyone, some great info here, i will have to try to keep it in mind.
I listed the things he does that could be potentially annoying only to illustrate, that my toothpicks are nothing compared to some things he does, so he shouldnt be complaining
Im not in his space, i mean this apartment where we live, we rented it right before i came over, so he had lived here only 1 week and it was almost completely empty when i came over, so i think its more of our space, than his, he didnt have time to get used to this place or to living alone for that matter, cuz he lived with parents before this, same as me. But if you mean his personal space, not the apartment, then i dont know, it is hard for me to imagine, cuz he is very welcome in my space, i always wanna hug and kiss and cuddle and hold hands and never get tired of his presence, ever. Maybe thats what he finds overwhelming, ill have to ask. And i never labelled him an ass by the way, i just said sometimes he behaves like one, but dont we all? so i think its an ok thing to say
Scott, i give him compliments all the time, maybe i should cut back some
Jazzy, i really really hate the idea of involving anyone i know in our family problems, only strangers are ok for me. I dont want people i know to form their own opinion (which could be far from true) about how things work in our family, and start interfering with their possibly bad advice, or worse, gossiping with the rest of the people we know, thats exactly what happens to my mom all the time, she shares something with someone, they always gossip and it comes back to her so horribly distorted and unrecognizable, like the situation was borderline criminal and everyone involved is some kind of monsters, and my mom ends up crying all the time, but she just keeps doing it over and over again, and story repeats iself over and over again, and every time she says "never again", and surely every time she does it again, that taught me a very good lesson to never ever ever ever share any problems with anyone i know, except my hubby of course
I think everybody who says that he is stressing cuz of me is right, he did tell me once that he is afraid to fail me, so i guess it could be that my critisism of his country he may be taking personally, but i dont critisize anymore, except the mail incident

[KenC]

Aloe,
I agree with you about not involving others in your problems.  No one know your situation better than you and your husband.  And no one has any better abilitiy to forgive and move on other than you two.

Please keep in mind that most couples go through these adjustments in their marriages.  The younger and less experienced couples seem to have more adjustment issues than second marrieds.  Keep your chin up and best wishes.  Keep talking to each other and it will all work out for you.
KenC

[BC]

Aloe,

From past discourse, it seems your hubby is under a lot of stress.  New home, new wife, new workplace, new financial situations, etc etc.. such can quickly become overwhelming.

You might want to try a new 'tack'.. along the lines of:

'Don't bring me a problem.. I have enough of them already.. But bring me a solution and we'll rejoyce together!'

He obviously has his plate full, and in a way you might also be his 'sounding board'.

Instead of concentrating on what you cannot do or achieve, concentrate on what you can instead and show him the results - he'll be proud of you!

If you find you are unable to do or achieve something, many answers you seek are all available in one form or another i.e. links to bus schedules that were provided earlier on, and even folks here that can help you interpret them.

[Shadow]

Aloe, I know that Russians can always find a reason to celebrate. 

[Misha]

he lived with parents before this, same as me

I  can see how this can be stressful. From what I gather, neither of you had to manage life on your own. I can't imagine what I would have done as a young man if I had moved directly from my parents' home to a new household as a married man responsible for the well-being of a wife who is an immigrant and struggling through culture shock as I was doing my best to establish some kind of career....

[Jazzyclassy]

Aloe:) do whatever you feel is right, of course, it was just a comment

I am sure you will be ok, the main thing is to move on after those little arguments you have and not to stick with them, forget them, cos if you keep reminding him how he behaved  that day and the other day it will really annoy him!

[Daveman]

Some very nice comments in this thread so far. Yeah, I think the underlying issues are that BOTH of you are very young,  neither one of you have lived on your own or with a partner, and you're in the nit picky stage trying to settle in.  At a younger age, very small things bother you that later on just won't make a difference.

It did take me years to learn to put the seat back down after thousands of screams and screaming curses late in the night.

I, of course, have a Theory of the Toilet seat.  Women could simply look to see if it's up or down, but their brains are consumed by looking to make sure there is toilet paper.  Conversely, the guys naturally look for the seat position, which is why you ladies often hear "Honey! Come here a minute!"... and if no reply, the guys have learned to do that "spread leg walk" with pants around ankles over to the toiletries closet.

It's just a matter of gender focus. 

Good luck Aloe, continue with loving communication.  Get some time away from each other if you can... let him have some evenings out with the boys, and perhaps if you've made friends then go out with them sometimes.  Personal time is very important and even more so as this is the first "settling in" for both of you.  It's not really as difficult or as big of a deal as it seems. Just try not to take anything personally... sex, more sex... intimacy, communication... and a little freedom.  You'll always have problems of some sort when you live with someone. You'll get on each other's nerves beyond belief at some times. That's inevitable.  But, over time you'll find compromises about the small stuff and some of it will just stop bothering you at all.  It will for him too. 

[SANDRO43]

I, of course, have a Theory of the Toilet seat.

Gross oversimplification . Discounting FSU public lavatories, toilets consist of at least 3 separate but connected items:

1. Cover
2. Seat
3. Bowl

A serious, exhaustive Theory should consider ALL of them - bar item 3 possibly, given its normal immobility.

IINM, FSUW frown on BOTH cover and seat being left in their upright position . Agoraphobia (fear of open spaces), maybe ?

Another interesting avenue of research would be preferences for toilet roll positions: free end facing the wall, or the other way?

Is there a Chair of Lavatorology somewhere ?

[Sculpto]

why don't men just have a seat anyway?  Its less messy and relaxing. 

[KenC]

why don't men just have a seat anyway?  Its less messy and relaxing. 

I always knew you squatted to piss!
KenC
(sorry, I could not help myself)