What's more risky than a OWW? Planning marriage with an internet love.

[Sculpto]

So, this guy comes to the chat.. I will spare him any personally revealing details..

His situation is he is old enough to definitely know better as is the lady.. yet.. they are planning a marriage even though they have not met in real life.. this after over a year of skype..

I tried to point out the flaws in his thinking and he got tweaked and ran off... 

So, shall we discuss this idea of planning a marriage with someone you have never met?

[Vaughn]

So, shall we discuss this idea of planning a marriage with someone you have never met?

It's foolishness plain and simple. Chances are better that they'll go through with it even if the
actual first meeting is unremarkable. I've got a question: WHY would two people do this? What
are the motivators? What are they avoiding? Is money, or lack of it - a factor? If they are content
to Skype for a year or more without meeting, what does that say about their potential for losing
enthusiasm for a plan that might appear pretty on paper, in theory - but not in practice?

Yes, better to let him remain anonymous - hopefully he will come to his senses, and she to hers.

[Boethius]

I don't think this is any crazier than many of the stories on this board.  What is so different in speaking with someone, meeting her, having her arrive on a visa, and marrying her within 90 days? 

[Sculpto]

90 days is far from ideal and i know I will personally never go down that road again, these life decisions are far to important and serious to leave it to the government to decide what is an appropriate amount of time for a relationship.  However, there is a HUGE difference between doing that and going to meet someone for the first time with the plan of getting married within a few days of actually meeting.

The other thing to keep in mind.. despite the length or quality of any online correspondence no one knows what the other person is really doing, with how many others they are actually corresponding and the % of lies they are feeding.  Sorry, but those are just facts of online life and anyone that is naive enough to think otherwise is headed for a train wreck of epic proportions.

[Turboguy]

2012, you bring up some good points.  I do think many guys fall in love with a photograph and that is stupid.  You can have the most beautiful wife in the world who can make you the most miserable person in the world.  Beauty is only skin deep and living with someone makes the inner qualities much more important than how attractive they are.   I also agree that 90 days is not enough in most cases.  Some people will be exactly who they are no matter how long you know them but some people can be on good behavior for a while but be hiding some flaws that will come out sooner or later. 

Still 90 days is what we get and those who only make one trip before those 90 days are taking a big gamble. Marrying someone you have known for years can be a gamble.  I have also seen people who married very quickly after their fiancee arrived which also increases the risk. 

[Misha]

90 days is far from ideal and i know I will personally never go down that road again, these life decisions are far to important and serious to leave it to the government to decide what is an appropriate amount of time for a relationship. 

The rationale behind the 90 days was never, from what I gather, to give two people enough time to establish a relationship, rather from what I have understood, was meant to allow a couple to continue an already existing relationship through marriage in the United States. It was meant for American citizens who had met and established a relationship with non-citizens that they intended to marry. It was never meant, from what I understand, as a "trial" period.

You will "never go down that road again"? I can only infer what that means 

The other thing to keep in mind.. despite the length or quality of any online correspondence no one knows what the other person is really doing, with how many others they are actually corresponding and the % of lies they are feeding.  Sorry, but those are just facts of online life and anyone that is naive enough to think otherwise is headed for a train wreck of epic proportions.

Try talking some reason to a man who is enamored and is convinced that he is doing the right thing. Generally, he will get upset, call the person trying to point out the folly of his way names, and otherwise ignore all reason and common sense as he pushes forward to his train wreck. Not much you can do except get the popcorn, watch the excitement and bite your tongue as you try not to say I told you so...

[groovlstk]

90 days is far from ideal and i know I will personally never go down that road again, these life decisions are far to important and serious to leave it to the government to decide what is an appropriate amount of time for a relationship. 

Whatever happened to your theory that you had a higher threshold for risk than most guys here? 

[Seeker]

Whatever happened to your theory that you had a higher threshold for risk than most guys here? 

Real life can be a harsh teacher...

Just a guess.

[GQBlues]

The rationale behind the 90 days was never, from what I gather, to give two people enough time to establish a relationship, rather from what I have understood, was meant to allow a couple to continue an already existing relationship through marriage in the United States. It was meant for American citizens who had met and established a relationship with non-citizens that they intended to marry. It was never meant, from what I understand, as a "trial" period.

Are you sure you're Canadian, Misha? You understand/understood the purpose/intent of the K-1 visa better than most US males that perused this process since I've been on these boards.

[cranehand]

First off,  
  People can spend years maybe even there entire relationship getting to know one another.  My case I was married for 10 decent years and with her for 14,  our divorce was civil and our lives move on.  So my thoughts are
" Better to know yourself before all others" and to do this may take a lifetime.  Relationships are about compromise, forgiveness, love and understanding. notice love is not first or second in my thought as love should constantly grow within your relationship.  More so everyday you should be saying to yourself,  I can not believe how lucky I am to have this person beside me in life.    
  Is there anyone out there that likes absolutely everything about the person they are with?  I think not.  But as we grow in ourselves it becomes apparent that you must be at all cost,  honest with yourself and love yourself before you can give honesty and love to another.
  There are a ton of things you can learn about people just by speaking with them.  You never have met most people on line in person but you can make a decent character assessment just by communicating thoughts to one another.

If you are constantly worried about,  is that person not being truthful with me? Then look at yourself and ask yourself am I being 100% honest with them?  Usually the guilty dog barks first and it escalates from there.

90 days is not a long time it is a relative drop in the bucket of life.  I have come to realize that marriage is itself a trial.  A trial of life.  Does that person support you,  Do you support them.  Do you get what you give?  and so on. Life is not easy or fair and not one single person on this planet has ever lived tomorrow already.  So live for today like it is your last, give more than you receive be kind to others and they will be kind to you.
  People can only save themselves.  No one and I mean NO ONE can do it for them.  It is there choice to persue or not.  You may offer all the advise you wish and then they will do as they wish.  WE HAVE NO CONTROL OF OTHERS. at any point. we draw conclusions about what others should and should not do because of our own experience.  Who is to say that this persons deal wont work out for them. Certainly not me.

 I fell in love with her before we met and the meeting was just a continuation of all things we talked about through the internet.  Maybe I am lucky but I don't believe in luck. Life is what you yourself make it out to be.  You can sit and do nothing or you can step out the door and see for yourself whether it is real or not.
 
 

[facetrock]

  Playing on skype for a year and planning to get married before meeting. Another very good reason to get on a plane fast and and find out what she is really like before your expectations become so unrealistic that no matter what she is like in real life it will be a dissapointment. This would be my fear but that statement doesnt mean I am right.

    With the technology today and the quality of skype I can see this happening. I have used it and it can almost seem the person is right next to you. Plus it is free and hours can be spent talking to each other. Nothing wrong with any of this. You will know you can at least carry on a conversation for more than a few minutes and obviously have something in common with the gal to spend a year on skype.

  But real life can be very different. I would say this guy is not that uncommon on the internet dating scene. I am sure it happens quite often but few people would actually admit it. I would also say that with the millions of people on the net worldwide situations like this have had a happy ending. Probably rare though, but so is finding the right gal doing WOVO or WMVM or whatever.

  So who knows the girl better? The guy that writes and does the phone thing for two months, makes a few one week trips then brings the girl over on a K1, or the guy who sits in on skype with video for a year talking for hours almost everyday then makes the trip? Both ways have their share of flaws IMHO and are probably about a horse a piece for success.  
  
  

[tfcrew]

  
  People can spend years maybe even there entire relationship getting to know one another.     People can only save themselves.   WE HAVE NO CONTROL OF OTHERS.  
 I fell in love with her ..before we met  
 Maybe I am lucky but I don't believe in luck.

Of course people spend years getting to know each other.
 That is the whole idea. After 10 yrs..the Mrs and I here are still doing that.
People cannot 'save themselves'.
"No control"...agree there.
One 'falls in love' ..they are in love with love itself because that is the way they are.
Luck?..Hey it's all a crapshoot.
You pays your money and you takes your chances.
You just gotta know how to play the odds.
 
Karl
 

[cranehand]

I don't see insincere or unrealistic people committing a year of skype to eachother.  I guess the 6 month rule goes right out the window in this case.  They obviously are enjoying one an others time together. I would bet that neither of them have been with an agency this whole time.   With no physical contact it is a tough road to hold.  I wish them the best and hopefully he gets on that plane soon and gets to enjoy her in person.  

  I have chat logs and skype records from the very beginning and at one point we were spending 3-4-5 hours a day looking at one another speaking directly,  practicing English and I was practicing Russian.  You can see body language you have direct eye contact you hear tone of voice.  All are very important indicators as to a persons feelings.  
  
 
WOVO RMVM but be completely honest with yourself and you will come out on top.

[Sculpto]

Elevated expectations.

[Misha]

People can spend years maybe even there entire relationship getting to know one another.

Sure, you may discover on your 99th birthday the name of her grade 1 teacher, but the question is not knowing everything, but rather knowing whether the two of you are truly compatible. Can you find out in a week whether she is sincere? Whether you will actually enjoy each other's company when the lust driven infatuation subsides? Those are the real questions and it does not take a lifetime to figure this out, but it certainly takes more than a week on a beach. However, some men will push on, even when everything indicates that there is no basic compatibility and she is not sincere or not truly into him 

[Shadow]

Even after a year on Skype, a meeting of 5 minutes can chage eveything. The main problem is that people (especially men) are unable to accept that. When it happens they will immediately open all registers to label the other party as scammer.

[alex330]

So, shall we discuss this idea of planning a marriage with someone you have never met?

Plain crazy..... what if she has a little something extra down below? 

[Mir]

anything goes when men are so desperate, and FSU would be a god send

http://uk.news.yahoo.com/5/20100430/tod-granny-72-having-a-baby-with-her-gra-870a197.html

[Mir]

And Hell hath no fury.......
http://uk.news.yahoo.com/5/20100430/tuk-model-guilty-of-shooting-boyfriend-d-45dbed5.html

[Boethius]

anything goes when men are so desperate, and FSU would be a god send

http://uk.news.yahoo.com/5/20100430/tod-granny-72-having-a-baby-with-her-gra-870a197.html

Obviously, there's a psychological component to this type of relationship.

http://www.cbc.ca/canada/story/2009/05/06/f-gsa.html