Finding some Russian friends for the wife

[Markus]

If all possible, steer away from looking for RW friends. If not you will have more drama than a high school locker room.

Well I'm glad you posted something that is IMO very smart.

First, why do men think their wives need to find RW friends? Do you know who my wife's friend is? It's me. Now, don't misunderstand me, I have married friends and my wife knows their wives.
So, it's not like we are secluded from people. For me, I chose this route and it's my purpose to provide as much attention to my wife as she needs. If she has a desire to seek friends outside of the married couples we know, then I'm not providing enough attention.  Since I proposed on the 1st visit, my main goal has and is today my wife. I have learned to balance the necessary attention to my wife with my free time that includes many hobbies. I never put my hobbies above the attention to my wife. Hence, that's why I'm still married. Some folks may want to discount that I proposed on the 1st visit to a lady who spoke very little English, but, it's our efforts together that has kept us going. My life is my wife. If n man thinks he needs his wife to have Russian friends, I think he's paying more attention to himself. If you think your wife needs a hobby, you fall into the lack of attention category. I did the same thing on my 1st marriage and won't do it again.

My wife has met RW here and doesn't have an interest in them. I will pat SMS60 on the shoulder for his short post, yet, a post that that uses an analogy that could be very true for a man who goes the route of this topic.

By the way, it's good to see JB back.

[I/O]

Markus: All power to you if your wife is your whole life and you are everything to her. It's a helluva an agenda you've set yourself. Personally, I have neither the energy nor the interest in being everything for my wife and she certainly isn't everything for me, nor will she ever be.

To the topic proper, RW-RW friendships on foreign turf, many will start, few will endure. Mrs has been fortunate in finding 3 very high quality, well educated and altogether decent "Russian" women here locally. Even more fortunately, the 4 "boys" all hit it off quite well together. It's all made for some pleasant BBQ's and so forth. All of the boys are very happy to see their wives grouped up from time to time and truth be told, probably even having the odd quiet beotch about their husbands. No big deal, women do that anyway so why should being Russian make them any different.

IMO avoidance is not the answer but to each his / her own.   

[Markus]

Markus: All power to you if your wife is your whole life and you are everything to her. It's a helluva an agenda you've set yourself. Personally, I have neither the energy nor the interest in being everything for my wife and she certainly isn't everything for me, nor will she ever be. .   

I/O,

Good luck on that outlook.

[Vaughn]

Guys, I will not allow this to degenerate into a "quality of marriage" slugfest, nor will I have the time
to frequently monitor the direction of this thread. Let's keep it civil - please.

On a personal note, my wife has a circle of friends, a few of whom we consider close friends. We did
not seek them out - as groov wrote much earlier (and I paraphrase here) when you get out to a
picnic or New Years Party or two, you likely will meet someone (in our case a couple) who you
both find attractive as friends. I speak not of a passing friendship but one where you get together
several times a year as schedules allow.

I also took the original "avoidance" post as one where a fellow senses that any contact with Russian
speakers at all could prove dramatic in a negative sense. For Elvira and I, that concept holds no water.
We DO acknowledge that, yes - there are nutcases out there in the Russian community - and we tend
to befriend couples only with whom there are common interests, or for lack of a better term, sympatico.
These kinds of friendships are few in number, and for us, well worth the effort in maintaining them. 

[Ade]

Well I'm glad you posted something that is IMO very smart.

First, why do men think their wives need to find RW friends? Do you know who my wife's friend is? It's me. Now, don't misunderstand me, I have married friends and my wife knows their wives.
So, it's not like we are secluded from people. For me, I chose this route and it's my purpose to provide as much attention to my wife as she needs. If she has a desire to seek friends outside of the married couples we know, then I'm not providing enough attention.  Since I proposed on the 1st visit, my main goal has and is today my wife. I have learned to balance the necessary attention to my wife with my free time that includes many hobbies. I never put my hobbies above the attention to my wife. Hence, that's why I'm still married. Some folks may want to discount that I proposed on the 1st visit to a lady who spoke very little English, but, it's our efforts together that has kept us going. My life is my wife. If n man thinks he needs his wife to have Russian friends, I think he's paying more attention to himself. If you think your wife needs a hobby, you fall into the lack of attention category. I did the same thing on my 1st marriage and won't do it again.

I have to say that although I can see that some people would seem to be "happy" in your situation, it is in no way what an average couple, let's even call them a normal and healthy couple, would be happy with. You may disagree, but really, most women are quite social people, more so than men usually and at some point they will need female friends. These don't necessarily have to be FSUW of course, but contact with people that have a common cultural background and language can ease the burden of settling into a new life if those women are also the kind of women that your wife would have made friends with in the old country.

But anyway congratulations on still being married; that's quite an accomplishment given how it started and your other quite bizarre ideas. You must have hit the 1 in a million lotto with finding that woman.

[I/O]

Good luck on that outlook.

I've always held the view a couple are two indiviuals before they become a couple and forging a union together is no reason to cease being individuals.

[Voyager36]

My wife has lived here for a year now, and she's finally gotten homesick enough that she's expressed how she wishes she could meet a few Russian people.  Unfortunately it's not an easy proposition for us.  Living in the Midwest in an agricultural town of just 15,000 will do that to you.  She's managed to find and meet just one other Russian girl (not counting the one who lived in our town but then moved back to Russia as quickly as she moved here), and she lives in Minneapolis, which is a 4 hour drive for us.  Needless to say they don't get to see each other often. 

Anyway, I'm wondering if there is some website or resource for finding other Russian women in the U.S. you guys could recommend that I could forward to her.  She found the Twin Cities woman by using some website for Russian women navigating the visa process in the United States, but said that she was the only close one who popped up on a search.  Any help or advice would be appreciated.

There is a Russian woman member here who does translations and lives in Maple Valley outside of Minneapolis. Regal Translations. Can't remember her name though.

Also, there is a very nice Russian museum near downtown that almost always has some Russians going through it.

The problem is that he isn't in Minneapolis, and likely not in Minnesota at all (unless it's up in International falls)
4 hours drive from Minneapolis would likely be in Wisconsin, Iowa or the Dakotas.
I know that there is a Russian community in Des Moins Iowa, Madison WI & Sioux Falls SD which are all about 4 hours from Minneapolis.

If Roykirk gives us an idea where he is then perhaps we could help. 

[roykirk]

Wow, I didn't realize this thread had so many posts after I tuned out.  That was about the time of our new arrival so I apologize for seeming like I was ignoring all the posts.   

I can definitely see the drama issue that could arise, but since my wife has been slow to meet any friendly American women I wanted to find some people she might have a few things in common with.  There was the previous issue (in a different thread) of the lone Russian woman she met in town who quickly involved us in her divorce nightmare.  It got to the point where we offered to let her and her son stay with us but she instead took the one way ticket her husband bought her back to Russia.  Ugly situation.  Since I first started this thread, my wife has met a nice woman her age from the FSU.  They're both university educated and our kids are near the same age so they seem to have lots to talk about.  However, my wife says their visits have turned in to hours long sessions where this other woman does nothing but complain about how bad her life is here and how awful her husband is.  My wife is trying to be nice and just try to be good at lending an ear, but we'll see if she tires of it. 

Anyway, the drama potential is certainly real.  But I guess the alternative is for her to sit at home alone with the baby and watch soap operas.  She may decide that's still preferable.   

[HiTech]

Alyona has met some rw from the Russian face book sight, I have no idea of the web address.

[Misha]

Alyona has met some rw from the Russian face book sight, I have no idea of the web address.

Likely vkontakte.ru or odnoklassniki.ru

[GQBlues]

However, my wife says their visits have turned in to hours long sessions where this other woman does nothing but complain about how bad her life is here and how awful her husband is.  My wife is trying to be nice and just try to be good at lending an ear, but we'll see if she tires of it. 

Anyway, the drama potential is certainly real.  But I guess the alternative is for her to sit at home alone with the baby and watch soap operas.  She may decide that's still preferable.   

LOL.

Good to see certain things never change...

[erudite]

Alyona has met some rw from the Russian face book sight, I have no idea of the web address.

Hello Hi Tech, I believe you live in the DFW area do you not? If you do there is a Ukrainian Society based in the northern area of the Metroplex and a genuine Russian/Ukraine Banya in North Dallas/Carrollton. I found all of this on a google search looking for Ukraine and Russian in Dallas, Texas.  I took pictures of the Banya and sent them to my lady in Kharkiv.

Here is a link:

http://www.uast.org/

http://www.russianbanyaofdallas.com/

Enjoy

[Markus]

roykirk,

I often wonder about this situation with marriages here.

Just last week, my wife visited a fabric store. My wife is an expert at sewing. When I told the lady my wife is Russian she sent over another lady who was Russian. They looked at so
much fabric and talked a bunch while I sent SMS to friends; I was bored. And we do this quite often. They exchanged phone numbers, something that has happened 1 time before this time.
Of course, they never call each other. So, I want to tell you what I do.

Apart from being at work, and my wife doesn't work, I'm with my wife 95% of the remaining time. We do just about everything together. She is my best friend. Many times we stay at home
and watch our 52 inch Sony. But, we do things outside the home and we are together. Now, I know this may sound like a husband's worst dream, but I enjoy being with my wife and I
prove it through my lifestyle. My wife has enough attention from me. So, I ask, are you giving your wife enough attention?

My wife has Russian TV at home and she watches it very much. She has projects at home, as we seem to be in a continual "making the home better" project.

As was mentioned before, folks are different and maybe your wife should have some Russian friends. My wife, after 6 years of marriage has no Russian friends here.
We are content with just me and her and the local friends we have. But, you should consider if you are giving your wife enough attention.

Mark

[DKMM]

Markus,

Pretty much exactly the same situation here.  My wife had a few Russian friends here the first year but basically got bored of them and moved on to work friends but is still best friends with me and my family next.

[Markus]

DKMM,

I had a guy tell me before I was married (the 2nd time), that he was best friends with his wife. I didn't understand what he said at the time, but now I do.
You cannot beat being best friends with your wife. That's top of line, next to our Lord.

Mark

[kievstar]

If a woman speaks the local language then she probably does not need RW friends or if she is with her husband 100% she does not need them either.  Some women are loners as well and prefer to not be social.


However, if a woman is a typical woman and is with a typical men she will have alone time and if she speaks so so local language she will find RW friends.  Its natural.

[groovlstk]

Your wife will probably discover this on her own, but my wife long ago concluded the following, as many others have advised here:

-Avoid single RW unless they have a stable situation.
-Avoid unhappily married RW.

Stick with happily married couples, if you can find any.

[Gylden]

Here in our little town, what I have noticed is that the immigrant women who group up together for language/cultural reasons are not as successful with adjusting to their new environment. It seems to me they just become more dependent on these friendships and in many case drift farther from their partners.

[Ade]

I think it's impossible to generalize. Some people need to socialize with others or they feel isolated. Some don't. My wife is in the latter, more uncommon group, and although she has discovered several RW friends/acquaintances through her Norwegian course and through other friends she doesn't see them often nor does she feel the need to. Still, I feel less concerned for her because she has them there if she needs a friend. On the other hand, my ex, while we lived in Switzerland, had enormous problems because she couldn't find close friends.

Men here should try to understand the enormous strain speaking in a foreign language can entail day in day out, without respite, especially if they are not that fluent. A friend that shares a common background and language could be the difference between a happy wife and a highly stress and depressed one.

FWIW, women aren't children and they probably know what they need so let them decide.

[Gylden]

FWIW, women aren't children and they probably know what they need so let them decide.

I think this is obvious and I hope most are able to grasp it.

My comments in my previous post are more observations than opinions or ideas. It is what I see here. It could be that it has to do with the type of person.

My wife is also not one of those types, who seek friends in expats.

[DKMM]

Your wife will probably discover this on her own, but my wife long ago concluded the following, as many others have advised here:

-Avoid single RW unless they have a stable situation.
-Avoid unhappily married RW.

Stick with happily married couples, if you can find any.

Actually the unhappily married RW are always a boost to my own marriage. Its a reminder to my dear what could have been if she were not so lucky to find me.  The key though is to not let them get too involved because that can get out of hand (especially if she's married to a RM)

[groovlstk]

Actually the unhappily married RW are always a boost to my own marriage. Its a reminder to my dear what could have been if she were not so lucky to find me.  The key though is to not let them get too involved because that can get out of hand (especially if she's married to a RM)

All well and good, but for new guys out there I'd still recommend caution. My wife and I had a RW friend who was unhappily married and would visit us often, usually alone. She's separated now, but recently she let it slip to my wife that while she was still living with her husband, she'd sometimes tell him she was visiting us when in reality she was with her lover. My wife told her she's no longer welcome in our home, but we could have easily and unwittingly been dragged into an ugly situation. My advice is to steer well clear of these people as they are not living safely behind glass in a museum, but will unhesitatingly drag you or your wife into their mess if they think it can improve their situation.

[55North]

She's separated now, but recently she let it slip to my wife that while she was still living with her husband, she'd sometimes tell him she was visiting us when in reality she was with her lover.

We know that one, except they're not yet separated.  A bit uncomfortable when her husband comes to our house, out of the blue, to collect her and she's still out, meeting a 'friend', and we weren't in on it yet.

[Al_C]

One cannot overestimate the value of your wife making Russian friends.  My Elena, who still lives in Russia (we are waiting on her visa), speaks fluent English, and gets along with my friends wonderfully, was ecstatic when she met her first Russian friend here in New York.

[Dar]

Couple things to try.

Take your wife to an expensive mall and you will find many Russian women working on Saturdays and Sundays.  Visit any FSU store / market in the area and talk with the owner where Russians are located.  Sign her up for ESL even if she has to drive an hour each way she will meet Russian women.  Also look on the internet.

Russian women are all over USA even small towns.  RW come up to my wife all the time introducing themselves no matter the size of the city or where we are at.

Isn't she lucky! in the city where my husband and I live Russian people are everywhere, but if you try to talk to them they either pretend they forgot how to speak Russian (at the same time their English stinks!) or they give you a kind of a dirty look making you feel like a fool. They are also the worst kind of coworkers that you could ever have. This is how it goes in the big overpopulated cities.
To the author of this topic, you'd better encourage your wife to look for American friends or at least European. May be both of you can join some sort of club or to do some kind of a group activity. That will also help her to adjust to the new environment and to overcome her home sickness. I am sure that she can find a few nice American friends especially if you live in a small town. People are very friendly and sweet in those places usually.
If she still wants to look for Russian girls, she may try out this website: russianfiance.com.  There is a designated section specifically designed for finding new friends.