Marriage is about convenience?

[Seeker]

Before all of you fall too deeply in love with your own advice, you might want to reread this bit of info.

I'm not an expert like the rest here, but since when did women start really looking for advice, or taking it for that matter, from men especially.

Of course she'll listen with the utmost concern. And she'll probably think about some of it for a short while, but will still do what's she's going to do in her relationship. After it's all said and done, she, like most women I know, just needs/wants to be heard - to vent.

Seems like that's the biggest "outlet" not being fullfilled. 

As if men are any better?

Look around you... read here... none of us have all the answers, regardless of sex.  And venting is cross-gender.  Sometimes different, but each in their own way... male or female.  I say let it happen as long as Aloe (in this case, we all do it in some way or another) wants to vent.  She is not stupid.  She has vented here before, and is still married.

Maybe it is closer to "she feels she is discussing this among friends.  Not angry, or accusatory, just working through her feelings with people she thinks are (or can be) friends."  She commends him as much as she complains about him.

It always comes back to that when people in a relationship have problems.  Do they still really love each other and want to be together (not always the same, sad to say)?  Problems will always exist.  The focus needs to be on the relationship.  So I see Aloe's questions as a way to "speak her own thoughts into the mirror, and listen for the response".   

Now the wisdom of that choice is for her to decide.

[chivo]

As if men are any better?

Look around you... read here... none of us have all the answers, regardless of sex.  And venting is cross-gender.  Sometimes different, but each in their own way... male or female.  I say let it happen as long as Aloe (in this case, we all do it in some way or another) wants to vent.  She is not stupid.  She has vented here before, and is still married.

Maybe it is closer to "she feels she is discussing this among friends.  Not angry, or accusatory, just working through her feelings with people she thinks are (or can be) friends."  She commends him as much as she complains about him.

It always comes back to that when people in a relationship have problems.  Do they still really love each other and want to be together (not always the same, sad to say)?  Problems will always exist.  The focus needs to be on the relationship.  So I see Aloe's questions as a way to "speak her own thoughts into the mirror, and listen for the response".    

Now the wisdom of that choice is for her to decide.

Ugh

Its not about men or women, its about people arguing over who's advice is better...understand the drift? Women typically don't solve their problems like men do, yet men consistently try to solve them as if she was a man. Whether we think she's right or wrong isn't the issue

I'm not concerned with the "touchy feelly' aspect of any particular relationship, nor do I need it explained to me. IMO she's not looking for answers, she's looking for a shoulder.

She's here basically to vent and things have gone into a "my advice is better than yours" thing which isn't necessary. I offer little if any advice on anther's' relationship mainly because I think it's ridiculous to do in life much less on a forum like this.

Let her vent, offer a shoulder to lean on, let her get back to her life, but enough of the advice already...understand?

Boethius, I'm agreeing with you so maybe vent is the wrong word, but don't let semantics get in the way because we're basically saying the same thing. She doesn't have that someone to talk out her problems to, that's why she brings them in hear.

My point is the men who seem to think that they have the best advice and that they can logically solve her problem(s).

She absolutely needs another female to share these thoughts with, not men arguing over which way she should live her life.

[Boethius]

Sorry, chivo, I went to edit that post and hit delete instead.  Around this time, for a short period, this site freezes up on me.  So, I'll repost as I remember -

Most women seek their friends' advice on relationships.  I suspect that other than the travel issue, Aloe was looking for another "take" on the issue that's the subject header of this thread.  If she had trustworthy girlfriends in her town,  she wouldn't be posting these things, she'd be talking on the phone to them, or having a cup of tea with them while they all discussed their men, their problems, and what they intended to do to resolve them.

I agree with you, arguing about whose advice is better is useless.  I think most posters recognize, in any piece of advice, that the OP is going to pick and choose, and may disregard it all.  We all have different perspectives, based on our own subjective experiences, and in human relationships, barring bad behaviours, there is no "right" answer.  But, two (or more) heads are always better than one, and in all the opinions offered, something may be useful.  I think most posters, excluding one, or perhaps more f***wits, really are here to help others.

 

[Aloe]

Calling or even thinking your loved one is a arsehole, biatch or something along those lines isn't a joke. If Aloe feels her husband is a full time jerk or he thinks she's a full time biatch, then they have much more problems than her not having a vacation.

To think of it, during our other argument, he did call me a bitch, repeadetly, over and over again, right in the face. I've never called him any names out loud  

[Aloe]

This is definitely a place to vent, but also it is important for me to see what other people think, to compare and get a different perspective. Every now and then i get a real revelation, somebody says something and shows it in a completely new manner i couldnt possibly think of, and makes things a lot clearer for me; it really helps, so thank you all

[Aloe]

I do agree that we need to find a way to relay our feelings so that the other would understand. Because when i tell him how i feel, he simply doesn't believe me. I dont know what to do with that? I tell him this and this is how i feel, and he tells me, no you are not, you are (feeling) that and that! Thats just ridiculous.
Also when he tells me he didnt mean stuff he said, i dont completely believe him, i guess i should make an effort and believe, but so should he. Problem is, he doesnt recognize this, he thinks he knows all about how i feel better than i do, and in spite of my telling about different feelings.

[kievstar]

For people who never have lived in Belgium the weather is usually dark with little sun.  More than 20% of the country has taken medicine for depression.  Fact in Belgium you can say your depressed and get paid for work.  Many times I had employees working for me say there depressed and gone for two weeks.  They were not faking it either.  Belgium's generally do not handle stress well.  

Now imagine a husband who travels all the time.  Imagine a RW who does not speak the local languages (English is not widely spoken in Belgium).  Trust me I lived there Aloe is not having an easy time now.  

I said this 6 months ago.  Go see a marriage counselor.  If you husband will not go, than go live with your parents.

[Miri22]

Also it seems common that people indicate they are sharing their feelings when in fact they are sharing THOUGHTS. Two different things.

[Aloe]

Also it seems common that people indicate they are sharing their feelings when in fact they are sharing THOUGHTS. Two different things.

Im pretty sure i'm sharing feelings. Give me please an example of situation and words where one shares thoughts, while thinking they are sharing feelings?

[Boethius]

He shouldn't be calling you names, and then apologizing later.  That needs to stop.

[Miri22]

An example of sharing a thought instead of a feeling:

thought:
"I never get to do anything or go anywhere! I am stuck here all the time"

the feeling:
"I'm very lonely and sad and sometimes afraid"

expressing the thought can put the other party on the defensive shutting down potential communication. Expessing the feeling can lead to exploring why you feel hurt, sad etc and open the door for communication and caring for eachothers emotional needs.

[Aloe]

An example of sharing a thought instead of a feeling:

thought:
"I never get to do anything or go anywhere! I am stuck here all the time"

the feeling:
"I'm very lonely and sad and sometimes afraid"

expressing the thought can put the other party on the defensive shutting down potential communication. Expessing the feeling can lead to exploring why you feel hurt, sad etc and open the door for communication and caring for eachothers emotional needs.

thanks for the example. I definitely say i feel this and that, and like i mention upthread, then he just doesnt believe me, and tells me that im feeling solething else completely different for sure. How do i make him believe that this is how im feeling, and its not the way he thinks im feeling?

[Miri22]

You can't really "make" anyone believe anything. People have to WANT to communicate on a conscious level for the most part. That means caring deeply for eachother emotional needs, not just physical and financial etc.

[Aloe]

You can't really "make" anyone believe anything. People have to WANT to communicate on a conscious level for the most part. That means caring deeply for eachother emotional needs, not just physical and financial etc.

that's true, but there has to be some way to help him be more receptive and consider the possibility that the way i say im feeling is the actual way it is?

[BC]

that's true, but there has to be some way to help him be more receptive and consider the possibility that the way i say im feeling is the actual way it is?

Well there is the proverbial 'packed bags test'..

[Miri22]

I think what BC is referring to is behavioral changes being forced by a crisis.
Personally I don't think that should ever be used as a "test," you may not be prepared for the outcome. Emotional change can be slow but rewarding, but it really takes both people  to understand and want to change.
Also is the verbal abuse accusation are true that's already indicating a huge gap in respect for eachother, counseling may help.

[jb]

Well there is the proverbial 'packed bags test'..

Ultimatum time?  A final, uncompromising position might yield an undesired result.  What if he says, "I'll help you pack."  Well,,, it might tell you what you don't want to hear, but is that what you want to happen?  I think, my dear, you need a better plan. 

[BC]

Ultimatum time?  A final, uncompromising position might yield an undesired result.  What if he says, "I'll help you pack."  Well,,, it might tell you what you don't want to hear, but is that what you want to happen?  I think, my dear, you need a better plan. 

Yeah, lets take the worst case.. he does exactly that and offers a ride to the air port.

Sure would show how much he thinks about their relationship.. or?

[Shadow]

(un)fortunately the concept of going to a counselor and telling him what goes on in your bedroom is quite alien to both Russian and Belgium people.

Aloe have you ever looked ot the picture you paint of your husband ? He does not make a lot of money, wants you to clean everything, does not want you to accompany him on trips, does not take you anywhere, is stingy...
I guess he must have some other qualities else why would you ever have married him ?  

As for helping him, try not to be like him, and do not repeat things too often.
Likethe 'packed bags' test, it might work one time, but the second time it will already have lost its magic, as you did not follow up on it the first time... after four or five times the test will just be ignored.

Accept when he says something is not possible, but do not forget about making it possible.  It is much more fun to have a goal and reach it by struggling for it as to get everything by snapping your fingers.

[BC]

I think what BC is referring to is behavioral changes being forced by a crisis.
Personally I don't think that should ever be used as a "test," you may not be prepared for the outcome.

Having experienced the 'packed bag test' once or thrice we're still together today having worked our problems through, or better yet learned to work our problems through.  Yes, be cautious though as it isn't a stunt you can pull all the time ISO a plain tantrum.  Cry wolf too many times and it becomes ineffective.

Sure, buyer beware but in the end, sometimes a good kick in the butt is needed.

[BillyB]

To think of it, during our other argument, he did call me a bitch, repeadetly, over and over again, right in the face. I've never called him any names out loud  

It's good you haven't called your husband any names. It's bad that calling him a bad name is on your mind. He shouldn't have called you a bitch. That word is for someone you don't like, not someone you're married too. Tell him to come to the forum so we can help your young husband improve on the maturity department.

Verbal/mental abuse can be more damaging than physical abuse. Scares and bruises can heal. Painful words will always be on your mind and you begin to feel worthless.

To be fair to your husband, I recall you did say in the past he was good to you 99% of the time and life is great.

People make fun of women who marry older and mature men but women with experience with young men know exactly the reasons they are avoiding them. Aloe, I don't want to believe you will ever divorce but if you do, I'm sure you will consider an older man next time around.

[Boethius]

People make fun of women who marry older and mature men but women with experience with young men know exactly the reasons they are avoiding them. Aloe, I don't want to believe you will ever divorce but if you do, I'm sure you will consider an older man next time around.

Wow.  I am appalled.  This has nothing to do with her husband's age, and a lot more to do with his personality.  To even suggest she may divorce is beyond the bounds of what should be posted here. 

[Blues Fairy]

I don't want to believe you will ever divorce but if you do, I'm sure you will consider an older man next time around.

Billy, are you completely out of your mind?!

[BillyB]

This has nothing to do with her husband's age, and a lot more to do with his personality. 

Personality may not be the problem since Aloe likes him. How he handles issues that get out of hand depends on his maturity and muturity and age almost, not all the time, go hand in hand.

To even suggest she may divorce is beyond the bounds of what should be posted here.  

Out of bound of what should be posted? Thanks for being there for me earlier.

Blues Fairy, a lot of women I met who want an older man tell me this because they want to avoid the childish acts of a young man they had experience with in a previous relationship. If Aloe's husband is calling her names often, they are having much more problems than Aloe is admitting. Verbal/mental abuse is worse than physical IMO. In America it is considered domestic violence.

[Faux Pas]

People make fun of women who marry older and mature men but women with experience with young men know exactly the reasons they are avoiding them. Aloe, I don't want to believe you will ever divorce but if you do, I'm sure you will consider an older man next time around.

Geez Billy, How do you really feel? No really? IIRC, Aloe and hubby are close to the same age. If Aloe wanted an older man she would have one. What in the hell does this have to do with the price of tea in China?