RW wife goes off the deep end

[ECOCKS]

Ok, I understand. How do I repair the damage done. Or better yet, How do I keep her from going off the deep end when I get my haircut by another woman?

You do the best you can to survive.

You're getting distracted by the kibbutzers and slack-jawed second-guessers on this forum. Get back to healing yourself and going forward with your life whether that means another FSUW or dating the home-grown gals.

The takeaway from this would be spend more time before proposing or at least before getting married. This lesson applies regardless of whether the problem was yours, hers or any mix in-between.

Whining (not that you particularly did so but don't let it be an excuse) about distance, vacation availability, strange culture/language, etc. just says neither of you took this seriously enough given what you now see are the consequences. These factors are part of choosing to date internationally across cultual and distance gaps which should be recognized as daunting to the vast majority of people (men and women) out there.

[Seeker]

You do the best you can to survive.

You're getting distracted by the kibbutzers and slack-jawed second-guessers on this forum. Get back to healing yourself and going forward with your life whether that means another FSUW or dating the home-grown gals.

The takeaway from this would be spend more time before proposing or at least before getting married. This lesson applies refardless of whether the problem was yours, hers or any mix in-between.

Whining (not that you particularly did so but don't let it be an excuse) about distance, vacation availability, strange culture/language, etc. just says neither of you took this seriously enough given what you now see are the consequences. These factors are part of choosing to date internationally across cultual and distance gaps which should be recognized as daunting to the vast majority of people (men and women) out there.

Well said.  It is in some sense a distillation of the advice offered, but presented in a very concise way that I hope will be understood as trying to help, not an attack.  ECOCKS has a lot of experience, and a very good style.  Stevie2, you should read his words at least twice.

And to add, I have been in the jealousy type of relationship before.   Real bad jealousy.  There is little hope unless both people realize there is a problem and try to resolve it together.  And even then it might not work.  There is a reason this happened.  No one needs to be blamed here in open forum.  But in our heart, we know the truth of our own situation.  It might have nothing to do with anything you did... or it might.  We don't know and are trying to help the best we can.

[BillyB]

Stevie, it's too late to help your wife with therapy. Once she said "I'm going to fukc up your life with a false DV charge so I can get what I want", you must have no contact with her. If she wants you to live up to your affidavit of support, she needs to go to social services to get them to collect money from you.

This is not a marriage of 10 loving years that wife devoted to husband and she then changed mentally and needs help. Stevie feels he was deceived shortly after marriage. She was not the woman he wanted to marry. He does not owe it to her to pay for her therepy or continue to be in her life since she can affect his life in the worst ways.

It doesn't matter if a guy was Stevie or a woman married a guy who changed immediately after marriage and started to abuse her, they have the right to get away fast from those who make threats to fukc up their lives.

Stevie, if only you played with your wife's boobs instead of watching the boobs on the XXX movie, life could've been different.

[tfcrew]

After reading through this thread quickly, I was trying to visualize the other side of the story.
Difficult to do as I didn't see personal facts beyond that 'she was 42 YO'.

Usually, a lady is married by then and has possibly children [maybe grown ones by then]

My wife was a divorcee but I had the given fact that with her and her ex
it was either her or the bottle.
Sad how many marriages are dissolved in a glass of vodka.

[Shadow]

Ok, I understand. How do I repair the damage done. Or better yet, How do I keep her from going off the deep end when I get my haircut by another woman?

That is a question you should have asked when the behaviour started. Right now its too late as I doubt either one of you is willing to trust the other.

However its not too late for the both of you to see your problems and work on them, separately.

[Aloe]

If anyone ever remembers anything I've ever had to say it needs to be this, "Keep your wives off the Russian women message boards".  A place like this is ok but I'm talking about the chat rooms filled with women that hate themselves, their lives, their husbands, your husband, America, football and anything else that might bring joy. The first thing they will do is start comparing lives and notes and then you will be royally screwed. I never said one word about my wife calling home. She's called home everyday or every other day since she's been here the past almost 7 years. I got no problem with that but there is absolutely no way in hell she's about to get on an all women message forum. First of all she dont have the time and if she did it's just not her thing anyway but I'm not concerned with my wife. I'm just handing out pearls here. Trust me.

Nothing wrong with RW forums at all. Every time i go to russian women forums and read about relationship disasters, it makes me feel lucky to have found my husband, i always get extra loving after reading those forums

[Daveman]

Nothing wrong with RW forums at all. Every time i go to russian women forums and read about relationship disasters, it makes me feel lucky to have found my husband, i always get extra loving after reading those forums

And wouldn't that be a prime example of the difference between a woman who really loves her husband as opposed to those who don't?  The cackling hens on the RW forums have a very warped view of relationships, marriage, love, etc. anyway.

Personally I couldn't give a rat's patootie (not that I carry rat's patatootie's around for such charitable purposes mind you) in which fora a woman participates unless that participation causes problems for our relationship, and if that's the case, then there is probably something that truly needs to be dealt with in the relationship anyway.  No need to blame the fora or the hens for a problem(s) much closer to home.  Deal with that problem rather than deflect elsewhere.

[BillyB]

Nothing wrong with RW forums at all. Every time i go to russian women forums and read about relationship disasters, it makes me feel lucky to have found my husband, i always get extra loving after reading those forums

Good that you don't let negative reading affect you. With other RW, they will get paranoid after reading about a relationship full of abuse and infidelity. They will then alter their behavior in their own marriage in hurtful ways to their husband. They may be convinced ALL men are pigs to some degree and don't care to have one in their life. Some of these women will try and learn all the tips to end the marriage in their favor before the divorce papers are even filed. I've seen it here at this forum too where a guy would read what happened to a guy like Maxx2 and start posting as if he's scared of women.

[Faux Pas]

Good that you don't let negative reading affect you. With other RW, they will get paranoid after reading about a relationship full of abuse and infidelity. They will then alter their behavior in their own marriage in hurtful ways to their husband. They may be convinced ALL men are pigs to some degree and don't care to have one in their life. Some of these women will try and learn all the tips to end the marriage in their favor before the divorce papers are even filed. I've seen it here at this forum too where a guy would read what happened to a guy like Maxx2 and start posting as if he's scared of women.

These women are damaged anyway. Reading a forum might have excelerated their actions but, unless she was actually being abused and found out how to stop it, she was going to do the inevitable anyways. Which would indicate the forum had little to do other than speed the process.

[Gator]

And wouldn't that be a prime example of the difference between a woman who really loves her husband as opposed to those who don't?  The cackling hens on the RW forums have a very warped view of relationships, marriage, love, etc. anyway.

Misery loves company.

Every time i go to russian women forums and read about relationship disasters, it makes me feel lucky to have found my husband, i always get extra loving after reading those forums

And the happy don't need it.

unless that participation causes problems for our relationship, and if that's the case, then there is probably something that truly needs to be dealt with in the relationship anyway.

True, and it may be too late as in Stevie's case.  My guess is that Stevie's wife was probably unhappy before she got on the plane, or at least had doubts.  The RW forum perhaps confirmed her feelings, explained that AM are no more faithful than RM, suggested that there was a better man at the "husband store," and gave her tools for extricating herself. 

Another RW, happy with her situation, would behave as Aloe. 

A question to readers of the RW forums:  In this thread, Stevie has received some constructive advice if he is interested in trying to salvage his marriage.  Some members have asked or implied whether Stevie contributed to the problem.  Are the RW forums similarly balanced?

[Boethius]

The RW forums I have read are very balanced.  In fact, in some of them, the criticism of anything American is attacked.  I don't read them much, but after stevie's post, I had a quick scan to see where all this supposed "negativity" is coming from.  I just don't see it.

The Russian language forums for Russians in Russia are a real hoot.  Very open and freewheeling.  Again, I don't read them often, I don't have the time, but they're usually good for a laugh between my husband and me.

[Daveman]

...
 

True, and it may be too late as in Stevie's case.  My guess is that Stevie's wife was probably unhappy before she got on the plane, or at least had doubts.  The RW forum perhaps confirmed her feelings, explained that AM are no more faithful than RM, suggested that there was a better man at the "husband store," and gave her tools for extricating herself. 

Another RW, happy with her situation, would behave as Aloe. 

Agreed.. and at this point, I think (from what he wrote) Stevie2 is taking the absolute best course of action... regardless of whether he could have done something different prior to this state or not. Much better to sit at home in retrospective contemplation than doing it from either a holding cell or in collusion with a defense attorney.

Once she started the DV conversations (whether merely mind game threat or not), it was time to bail and not take a chance on something truly sinister coming up.  Luckily she did say something rather than blind siding him with it.  It's possible that it's not over and she still may try something in vengeful retribution.  No contact, CYA time.

[tim 360]

Agreed.. and at this point, I think (from what he wrote) Stevie2 is taking the absolute best course of action... regardless of whether he could have done something different prior to this state or not. Much better to sit at home in retrospective contemplation than doing it from either a holding cell or in collusion with a defense attorney.

Once she started the DV conversations (whether merely mind game threat or not), it was time to bail and not take a chance on something truly sinister coming up.  Luckily she did say something rather than blind siding him with it.   It's possible that it's not over and she still may try something in vengeful retribution.  No contact, CYA time.

With DV, just a woman making a claim of DV is enough to taint a guys entire life.  Seldom can he prove he is completely innocent.  He may be able to show the claims to be fraudelent--and he is "not guilty", but he will seldom be "innocent".  If I had a wife or girlfriend talking to me about DV...I think I would bail pretty fast and keep a big distance from her. 

[kievstar]

My wife can show you RW forums where they bad mouth AM all the time.

Seems there is a growing pattern at RWD.  If you do not make children with RW, she kicks you to the street.   She may spend numerous years going to school but she eventually wants to create.

Now in this case we have a 42 and 47.  Question to the OP - does she have any children?

[Gator]

Stevie,

I would assume that you are the sole breadwinner and you will pay the fees for both your divorce attorney and hers.  I also assume that there is also some form of temporary alimony pending divorce.

You seem content with your divorce proceeding.  However, in reality it is out of your control.  There are some situations which could result in you paying more than you perhaps anticipate.  

For example, are you dating?  You wife is not well adjusted, and if you date it could have severe strategic implications.

In a divorce, expert psychologists contend that a spouse wants you to feel just as miserable as he/she feels.  Your wife is very jealous, and no telling what she perceives.  If she believes that you are having a new relationship, it may be very difficult to negotiate a reasonable settlement to your case.  In fact, she may want to drag the case out.  And her attorney will gladly oblige by "working the case" and meanwhile collecting more fees from you.  Also, dragging it out usually means you are paying more temporary alimony.  Versus a settlement, you could spend substantially more to conclude your case and move on with your life.

Another example is the Affidavit of Support (AOS).  You may wish to search the RWD archives.

Good luck.  Protect yourself.  

[Ronnie]

Is it possible the jealousy was contrived to create a basis for separation/divorce?

Unfortunately there exists among a significant FSUW an attitude that the marriage that brings them to the west does not need to be the marriage they want but a stepping stone to a better one once on foreign soil.

This dating/marriage game seems at times to be just as dangerous as Russian Roulette.  You may pull the trigger and get the woman of your dreams, for a good FSU wife can be  without peer and any man's dream. 

On the other hand, if you are unlucky, you may draw the loaded cartridge with a woman who care no more about your well-being than does inanimate revolver.

[JR]

 How do I repair the damage done. Or better yet, How do I keep her from going off the deep end when I get my haircut by another woman?

You DON'T!!! That is called co-dependancy. You cannot "fix" her. She is only being true to who she is. If you can honestly look at your behavior and say that you are not instigating the jealously or triggering the lack of self-confidence and all it's manifestations then the only thing you can do about the situation is protect yourself mentally, emotionally, physically and financially.

I had ten years with the woman you are describing, there is no repair. The only thing councelling will accomplish is verification of what you most fear.

Best of luck to you.

[Maxx2]

One of the women members on my forum posted this

AM AVICTIM OF MARRIAGE FRAUD, AM STILL SEVERELY DEVASTATED,AM IN THE PROCESS OF ANNULMENT. MY QUESTION IS IMMIGRATION STATES THAT MARRIAGE FRAUD IS UN ACCEPTABLE BUT WHEN WE CALL FOR HELP THAT IS REPORT OUR CASES IT DOES NOT RESPOND AT ALL, ALL THEY SAY THAT THEY ALREADY HAVE THE TEMPERORY GREEN CARD SO THEY CANNOT DO NOTHING.HOW CAN WE STOP THIS SO IMMIGRATION CAN ALSO FOLLOW THE LAW.

WE WERE ONLY MARRIED FOR SEVEN MONTHS,HE GOT HIS GREEN CARD THREE MONTHS AFTER HE ARRIVED, SO HE WAITED , WHEN I GOT HIM AJOB HIS FIRST PAY CHEQUE , AFTER I TOOK HIM TO OPEN UP A BANK ACCOUNT HE DISAPPEARED.REMEMBER HE HAD NO INCOME SINCE HE CAME, ALL THE ENTIRE PROCESS I PAID FOR IT , PLUS HE TOOK HARD CASH FROM ME SAYING HE WILL SUPPORT ME BACK WHEN HE GETS AJOB.HIS BEST FRIEND CONFIRMED TO ME THAT HE IS MARRIED BACK IN MY COUNTRY AND HAS ASEVEN MONTHS OLD BABY SO THIS WAS PLANNED WAY BEFORE HE CAME.SOMETIMES THIS IS A MAN I GAVE MONEY TO SEND TO BOTH OUR FAMILIES THROUGH WESTERN UNION AND HE COULD COME BACK AND SAY IT DROPPED, WELL I WAS SUPORTING HIS WIFE AND THE CHILD APPARENTLY.THESE MEN ARE HEARTLESS.WHEN HE JUST ARRIVED ABOUT THREE MONTHS AFTER WE GOT MARRIED RUMORS CAME IN THAT HE HAD LEFT HIS WIFE PREGNANT AND HE WAS ONLY WITH ME TO GET AGREEN CARD.HE DENIED IT COMPLETELY, BUT WHEN HE ABANDONED ME AND LEFT MARCH 11TH 2010 ,EVERYTHING CAME OUT TRULY.

[Shadow]

One of the women members on my forum posted this

Sad, yet irrelevant.

[Maxx2]

Sad, yet irrelevant.

You have inability to "link". The need for a green card will make people do anything to get it including Stevie's wife filing false charges on him to get one.

[Shadow]

You have inability to "link". The need for a green card will make people do anything to get it including Stevie's wife filing false charges on him to get one.

She already can get one without false charges. Stevie seems reluctant to reply further, which actually could be wise for many reasons, which means there is no way of determining if it was a premeditated plan or a case of hidden problems surfacing.

Even with his full replies it would be unable to fully know if his future ex needs help or a kick in the butt.

[SMS60]

Stevie

You made the right move by being pro active. Good job on the no contact order. I doubt there is much you could have done it trying to change her.


Ignore the peanut gallery. Be safe.

[BillyB]

One of the women members on my forum posted this

It can happen to anybody. I was at visajourney and looked at some of the photos posted there. I was amazed at the amount of American women looking for husbands overseas. Honestly many of those women were not good looking and very overweight. Many of their husbands were coming from Muslim countries and Africa. Many of those men looked good and their bodies were in good shape. One could easily say there were mismatches and the women were marrying out of their league. Why would a man or woman marry below their league? Probably for personal gain and in this endeavor, many times the personal gain is the green card.

[BC]

Yeah, about the time trouble starts the only thing they should see is the imprint of the shoe sole on their butt as they fly out the door.

Who really cares if they get a green card or not?

After all the next ticket is easily booked.

I want more.. more... more...

[Maxx2]

This is one of the American women that has contacted my group about an immigrant husband.


Tiffany Claus, an Angelina Jolie look-a-like

I can't find a "link" with this with Stevie's case but with Billy's comment