Show me the money (c)

[dostogirl]

I'm afraid this is going to be a painful subject and it may have been discussed here before. "Money" topic comes up in every relationship and it's one of the main causes of divorces. It's obvious that people have different priorities in life and this is usually a problem in a family: things one consider worth spending money on. When you are married to a person from a different culture those priority differences are much stronger than in a "one culture" relationship. Also everything is more complicated because in FSU people do not have the same financial structure as in the US. I've been reading a lot on russian forums about money questions from girls who are waiting for their visas as well as those who are already in the States. Most of them have lots of questions about financies and I assume it's a hot topic in a relationship. So I have some questions to ask you, but I'll start with one for the beginning.
1. Do you think you should tell & teach your wife about financies here and how much info do you actually want her to know about your financial situation?

[catzenmouse]

Yes! We set up a checking account for Elena and got her a debit card as soon as we could. Set up the Quicken at home for her to use and showed her how to see how much is in her account, my account, and our account so she could better see if we could afford something or not at any given time.

We've sat down and paid bills together a couple of times but she really does not show much interest in this in general but is happy to do it if I ask her to.

Ken

[Admin]

I'm afraid this is going to be a painful subject and it may have been discussed here before. "Money" topic comes up in every relationship and it's one of the main causes of divorces. It's obvious that people have different priorities in life and this is usually a problem in a family: things one consider worth spending money on. When you are married to a person from a different culture those priority differences are much stronger than in a "one culture" relationship. Also everything is more complicated because in FSU people do not have the same financial structure as in the US. I've been reading a lot on russian forums about money questions from girls who are waiting for their visas as well as those who are already in the States. Most of them have lots of questions about financies and I assume it's a hot topic in a relationship. So I have some questions to ask you, but I'll start with one for the beginning.
1. Do you think you should tell & teach your wife about financies here and how much info do you actually want her to know about your financial situation?

Good question. I believe in full and open disclosure. In the case with Olya, I sent her a document which served to provide an introduction to western financial principle. It was written in both English and Russian - and while it did not cover every possible topic/facet - it does a good job of introduction.

The other thing I did was send her a book written by a Russian women who had moved to America. It too, was published in both English and Russian.

The final thing was that we spoke extensively about my personal financial situation - AFTER - we had made the decision we would pursue a life together. I did not feel any obligation to divulge those details until we had made that decision - and I suppose it could have resulted in a deal-breaker if she had been upset with something - but my attitude was, and remains, that if I was going to spend the rest of my life with Olya, then I *wanted* an open and honest relationship with her - and finances is only one aspect of that.

Just my take.

FWIW

- Dan

[dostogirl]

When do you think is the best time to open a credit card for her? Credit cards are more responsibility then debit ones.

[Bruno]

When do you think is the best time to open a credit card for her? Credit cards are more responsibility then debit ones.

Never :X Since myself i use only debit card... no credit in my life, mean no debt...

 

[catzenmouse]

When do you think is the best time to open a credit card for her? Credit cards are more responsibility then debit ones.

Elena and I talked about this a bit and so far she does not have any interest in having one. She prefers to pay cash (or with debit) for something rather than using credit. I told her that it is good to have one to establish some credit history for herself. Even if she has one that has a low credit limit it would still help and start to prove her financial responsibility. I think I'll talk to her again about this when I get home this evening.

Ken

[TigerPaws]

[color="#0000ff"][size="4"]Wow! Talk about a hot button  issue:[/size][/color]    [color="#0000ff"][size="4"]

 I believe it would depend on each  mans finical situation, if you are working stiff with limited resources things  will be very different than if you own a multi million dollar company and bring  in a high six figure income or if you are retired and living off your  investments.[/size][/color]  [color="#0000ff"][size="4"]

 In one respect I agree with Dan,  until you and the lady have made a firm commitment to each other discussions  about finances would be inappropriate, after you have started (we will  assume) the K1 process slowly bringing about a discussion about you finical  situation would seem appropriate but diving into too many details may be more  confusing than helpful, again it all depends on your situation.[/size][/color]  [color="#0000ff"][size="4"]

 Once your lady arrives and has some  time to adjust and settle in and assuming you actually marry her then again  depending on your situation and the complexity of your finances you can bring  your lady up to speed on how things work in America and where she can be of help  if she wants.[/size][/color]  [color="#0000ff"][size="4"]

 I have not discussed the pernup  issue because some feel it is unnecessary and it very [/size][/color][color="#0000ff"][size="4"]well[/size][/color][color="#0000ff"][size="4"] may be but others  have more to protect and feel the need, I will leave it for you to decide  as this issue has been discussed [/size][/color][color="#0000ff"][size="4"]on[/size][/color][color="#0000ff"][size="4"] [/size][/color][color="#0000ff"][size="4"]these[/size][/color][color="#0000ff"][size="4"] forums already[/size][/color][color="#0000ff"][size="4"].[/size][/color]  [color="#0000ff"][size="4"]

 As Ken said a separate checking  account and debit card is a great start, with on line banking your lady can have  instant access to how much she has and how she spent it. By sitting down with  her and going over the monthly, quarterly and yearly budgets she can begin to  understand where the money goes and for what, she can see how much you bring in  (assuming she will not work for a while) and what you need to survive on.  [/size][/color] [color="#0000ff"][size="4"]

  Of course all of this takes time and  some ladies will catch on faster than others, it will be up to you to take the  lead on this, if you finances are more complex then it could take years (as in  our case) for you lady to grasp everything. [/size][/color]  

 [color="#0000ff"][size="4"]I am afraid there is no easy  answer.[/size][/color]

[Oosik]

I had "L" read Elena Petrova's thing on moving to the USA, then discussed finances. I figure there will be a learning curve, but she knows she will need to work for a few years to get us up and running before kids.

[David1963]

We are doing this very slow.  She understands what expeneses we have, I layed all that out for her.  She has cash to buy what she wants but so far that has been little.  Most of the shopping we do together so I pay.

I figured I's wait until she got her first job, probably about 4 months from now, before setting her up with a bank account and CC.

David

[catzenmouse]

[user=681]David1963[/user] wrote:

We are doing this very slow.  She understands what expeneses we have, I layed all that out for her.  She has cash to buy what she wants but so far that has been little.  Most of the shopping we do together so I pay.

I figured I's wait until she got her first job, probably about 4 months from now, before setting her up with a bank account and CC.

David

David,

 If she's got a SS number get her a bank account as soon as possible. Also would be good to put her name on a bill (like the electric bill) this will establish residency so that if she wants to go to school in the future it will be quicker to pay the in-state tuition.

Ken

[dostogirl]

Another topic that came up on russian forums was how to ask your husband for money. When your girl comes to the US she usually doesn't have much in savings and can't work for some time. That's when the question about an allowence is brought. How do you solve this problem?

[catzenmouse]

Another topic that came up on russian forums was how to ask your husband for money. When your girl comes to the US she usually doesn't have much in savings and can't work for some time. That's when the question about an allowence is brought. How do you solve this problem?

For us it was not a problem. I would give Elena some money so that she would have it and could buy things when she wanted to. We would go shopping together for things and I would buy her whatever she needed. She would try to pay and I would tell her to hang on to that money for when she would be shopping without me.

Often I would find that she put the money back in my wallet and would tell me that she did not need it when I would ask her why.

 I don't think that a woman should have to ask for money or be put on an allowance. If she needs it she should be able to buy it. For the stuff she would like to have but does not need she should have, at least, some money of her own to use how she sees fit.

Ken

[TigerPaws]

[color="blue"][size="4"]dostogirl,

 In my humble opinion it should be up the the husband to see to it that his wife never needs to ask for money, he should be sure she has at least as much as he is comfortable with her having at any one time. In the begining I gave my wife I believe around $300.00 in mixed bills and would ask her from time to time if she needed any more. Her usual answer was no but I would ask her to look and if I felt she needed some additional funds I would be sure she had them.
 After she made a few friends and felt comfortable enough to go shopping on her own, I would check with her more often, nothing overt I would simply ask if she needed anything before she headed out.
 My bench mark if you could call it that was that she would have at least a couple of hunderd dollars with her at any given time and I never once asked her how she spent it. If she wanted to share that with me great but I never asked, whatever she had was hers and it was not my place to ask what she did with it.
[/size][/color]

[Voyageur]

I agree with both Ken and Tigerpaws - I always make sure that my wife  never has to ask for money and discuss every financial issue with her,  including planning for our priorities. Of course, neither of us can spend without  boundaries, but we have the same account and two different debit cards  to access our money.

She is still learning about the US way of paying bills, utilities etc.,  but she is a fast learner. I want her to someday take the bill-paying  responsibility away from me, but she says that she is "only the neck" .

The process of having her acclimate to our living in the US has, admittedly cost  more than I thought, however. But she knows our budget and we both  sacrifice to spend our money where we think it should be spent.

[dostogirl]

There are numerous cases when RW come to the US without realizing the value of the dollar and what one can buy with it. They also do not know local priorities, as a result they tent to buy things they do not need or things that cost too much. Ex.: In Russia spending $100-200 on a pair of shoes is totally normal and expected (if you want to get shoes of good quality), while here it...hmm..seems a little too much. But your lady living here just for several months struggles with understanding the system. Say you go to a store and she wants to buy a good pair of shoes, for $200 (that's what she would spend in Russia on a good pair of shoes) that she probably won't wear to a lot og outing since they have very high heels (RW like high heels). What are your actions? Or if she wants to buy clothes that obviously she can't wear anywhere and it's expensive. What are your actions here?

[TigerPaws]

[color="blue"][size="4"]dostogirl,[/size][/color] [color="blue"] [/color] [color="blue"][size="4"] Personally I never experienced what  you describe because for the first 6 to 8 months I took my wife anywhere and  everywhere she wanted to go from outings to shopping, if something in my opinion  was over priced I would say so and she would defer to my judgment. It was not  until she met some friends of her own that she started to go out on her own and  maybe fortunately for me her friends were very frugal and would not shop at the  high end stores. Sure she made mistakes but she learned from them and none of  her mistakes were serious because she was careful, as I said maybe I was just  fortunate in this regard.[/size][/color]

[mischief]

There is no right or wrong way to manage finances in the family… for some families common budget is normal, for some families separate accounts is the only way to go…
Lots of women, not only FSU, don't want to know where money comes from and where they go to…

I don't blame guys who don't want to share their finances with the spouses especially with the previous negative experience… it's their money after all…


If you don't mind I'll share my experience about managing finances…  it might be helpful for guys who have just started this process with their wives…

The best thing to do (my subjective opinion) for average income families is for husband to write down (better on the paper )) his monthly income and expenses in details…
Like I make this much… this much will go for mortgage, for health/car/ house insurance, electric & other bills… this much will go to savings account and etc. AND this much is left for OTHER expenses like food, clothes and etc.  
Basically, in the very beginning a woman want to know how much she can spend…
Let's say $500 a week…  you can have a joint account and every week go through expenses together making sure you didn't overspend.. or put this sum of money on her debit card… whatever works.

Joint account or her debit card (checking + saving account) is preferable, even if you shop together … it will help her adjust quicker and be more responsible for the money…
I don't think credit card for her will be a wise idea in the beginning…

Then, you can explain (if she is interested) what mortgage is, how much you owe on the credit cards, all the health/car/ house insurance details and etc.  In time she will understand it all…
Show her how to save… just explain her that if she spend monthly $50 less but put it to her saving account in a year she will have her own $600…

Separate savings account for her and for a child where you invest monthly is very good idea too… 

With regards to purchases… it takes little time to take her in the store and show her how sales work… and explain her that unless the thing is very unique and looks exceptional on her she can pretty much everything else on sale… and don't forget to stick to the monthly budget…

[dostogirl]

Personally I never experienced what  you describe

Me neither But that's what I see on Russian forums a lot. Woman upset with their husbands cos "he didn't buy diamond earings for 2K, but instead bought some cheap ones for $400"

[dostogirl]

BTW, do you teach your wives about retirement savings, investments, etc?

[TigerPaws]

[color="blue"][size="4"] [/size][/color]

[TigerPaws]

BTW, do you teach your wives about retirement savings, investments, etc?    

[color="blue"][size="3"]Yes but it has been a LONG process because our finances are very complex but she is finally begining to understand.[/size][/color]

[Bruno]

… for some families common budget is normal, for some families separate accounts is the only way to go…

 

Not really the choice here in Belgium... marital law obligate to open a common account at the name of both partner... it need to be the main account for family budget.  

[dostogirl]

Like they can tell the difference.

In that particular example a RW knew what she wanted. She wanted him to buy Tiffanies earrings, expensive stuff. When he didn't she got mad..Of course, there were other problems there, but this one just surprized me a lot

[dostogirl]

Not really the choice here in Belgium... marital law obligate to open a common account at the name of both partner... it need to be the main account for family budget.

So, in Belgum one can't open a separate account after getting married? At all??

[TigerPaws]

Like they can tell the difference.

In that particular example a RW knew what she wanted. She wanted him to buy Tiffanies earrings, expensive stuff. When he didn't she got mad..Of course, there were other problems there, but this one just surprized me a lot

[color="blue"][size="4"]Yes it sounds like there were many OTHER issues.[/size][/color]
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