Hello! Need your wisdom opinion

[Smile_too]

Hello Olga.

If your friend is serious about a foreign husband, she needs to start learning English as her first priority. Better she works on that first and does the profile later.

I am not sure this is a good advice for us 
 Any way thank you Manny you wrote.
  You see we are not twenty to wait years before we know language well and than to start the search.
By the way who knows what was the first - the wish to find or the wish to learn English.... searching is a good stimulation for learning foreign language if you don't use it at everyday life 

[Smile_too]

+1.

As for the question of feasibility, many folks had used interpreters/translators as a mediator between two people in the past so that's an acceptable part of this venture. Some folks had even engaged the possibility of a relationship, even marriage, despite the lack of a common language and had worked through it within their means.

But from her POV, the more learned she becomes with the language, IMO, the more choices she'll afford herself. She may be limiting herself to 'secondary candidates' (or worst) for the simple reason prime candidates may not want to get involved with a woman who doesn't speak English.

Lastly, since neither of you are listed in any agency, it will be worth your while to get yourself acquainted, or read up about, a US law called 'IMBRA'.

Thank you for your statement

  yes think the same that "it may be limiting".... May be that is why I do chat instead of her with out saying that this is not she

[Vaughn]

Welcome Olga and Waria !   I wish more people (men and women) would be as concerned about honesty and truthful
presentation as you are....

May be really better to write in russian?

I advise against that idea - it will eliminate a large number of potentially interested men. As for listing her English ability,
she could claim it to be "weak, but studying" - and to actively keep that promise by regular study of the language. There
is no need for either of you to wait - be optimistic - focus on your goals. In Waria's case, the right man just might be the
person who fully believes that breaking through the language barrier should be a shared effort.

 

[TheTraveler]

Yes it sounds optimistic.
How to avoid chating at a polite way? How to refuse to speak by phone with out risk  to cause suspicion that you are not a  player?

Olga, I'm not sure what you mean by a 'player'... But I'd recommend that she be frank and direct about her lack of English skills.  As Vaughn wrote, she should admit 'weak English ability, but studying'.  No shame in that.  We Americans (especially!) can relate to a lack of foreign language skills.

And based on personal experience, yes I truly believe that email alone can be all that's needed before an actual in-person meeting sometime in the future.

Of course good quality letters help and tell a lot about the person writing them.  I remember when we were writing back and forth, one of the most intriguing things about my future wife was that she put a lot of care into her letters.  They weren't page-after-page too long, nor too short or shallow.  They were genuine, written just for me, and it was always interesting to hear from her.  We also used to send photos occasionally.  I definitely recommend that, and it's a lot easier now with the prevalance of cheap digital cameras.  We really didn't send 'glamour' shots or anything fancy... usually very recent photos that showed each of us in a regular activity.

I'd also advise that your friend not allow herself to get frustrated or hurt in this process.  She may get dropped by guys, but always best to not take it as a personal insult.  Best to look back on it as a lesson learned and move on to the next guy with an ever-positive attitude.

One question you had for another poster about the quality of machine translators.  If she writes in Russian, she should take care to spell all words correctly and try to avoid slang.  These things will dramatically help the guy using the machine translator on the receiving end.

Hope this helps!

[ECOCKS]

First, you both need to be studying your English. At the very least it will open up some communication opportunities for you and perhaps some related to career development. Being able to talk with western men from Canada, UK, USA, Australia, NZ, South Africa and many other countries is a big boost to your intention to seek out a relationship with a western man.

Second, I would advise you and your friend to let the men know she is responding through her good friend as a translator for all the reasons which were cited. Serious men expect serious women and hiding the English ability is not going to be something that every man will forgive you for doing.

Finally, in this day and age refusing to chat or video with a prospective suitor will cause many to be wary of your motives and lead to suspicions that you are a scammer. If you wish to be successful, get the web-cam, load up Skype and be ready to schedule conversations with men after exchanging a few rounds of e-mail. This benefits you as well as them as many men will not be able to resist the temptation to reveal their intentions over the connection. Be prepared for some outrageous actions and always remember you can cut the connection and block their future contact.

Good Luck!

[Smile_too]

Hello everybody!
Can I ask advices again???

What are your opinions - is this man rather serious or what is it???? What is the best way to answer?
Boys you are from Mars what to think about this situation and what to reply????


The letter from a girl
Hello xxxxxxxxx
I live at a small 2-room flat with my son.
Don't think it would be clever to invite you here.
Certainly hotel is the best choose for you. We have 2 not bad hotels at the town or may be we can meet in Kiev. In Kiev you will stay at hotel I shall visit my brother.

For the first visit in order to see each other face to face and to understand what will be our next steps romantic places are more good. I am sure my flat can't be such romantic place.

Is this a problem for you?

His reply

Hi xxxxxxxxx,
yes it is a problem, imagine that I will go to Brussels, I'll leave the car at the parking lot, I will fly to Kiev, I'll take a hotel, and you'll have a drink, or spend a post lunch with me, and after I do what? I return to France? Do all this to spend an afternoon with a drink, I do not want to, if I ask you to make is to spend time with you, to spend several days in both live and really see if we take pleasure, if we have feelings, if we love to prepare dishes for two, so we often go for a walk, I want to spend as much time with that which may be can become my wife. But one afternoon I'm not interested, I think you understand me. I do not know if we like because we're going to see an afternoon or two in the afternoon.
I think, no offense, it will be difficult for you to meet someone if you do not want to come, or he must find a person in Ukraine.
I will not deceive me, I really want a true and beautiful strong relationship for life.
I'm sorry to talk like that, but I'm really decided to change my life.

Wait your answer
xxxxxx

[SMS60]

How long have you been corresponding with him?

How personal have things become?

Do you feel like strangers to each other?

[Aloe]

Wow 2 people with broken english do not have a promising future together, unless one of them urgently learns the native language of the other, IMO. There are so many misunderstandings that can and WILL occur between a woman and a native english speaker, let alone non-native speaker with bad english. I see a whole lot of stormy arguments because the 2 ppl give a different meaning to the same words (happens all the time). Now if he was a native speaker, you could trust him when he says that this word or that word means and implies this, and not the thing you thought. But in a siatuation where you disagree over meaning with a non-native and both of you think you are right in what the word implies and the other isn't (what does he know, it's not his native language?), a catastrophe is in the making (This is all coming from my own experience, maybe you will accept his view on meanings of the words in spite of his english being broken?).
why don't you wanna go to France?
You certainly won't have a problem with men who are willing to go over to Ukraine to meet you, because a) it's visa free for them, and b) you are awesome enough to have a man to come visit you, c) you deserve a man who cares enough for you to come and see you in your home surroundings, meet your family and such.
As for this particular situation, why don't you offer him to rent an apartment, there are very many services offering apartments for daily rent, it's a lot more privacy and you can cook together, since he expressed the wish to do so.
Why does he go to Brussels to fly if he lives in France?
Why does he think you only wanna meet him for one afternoon, and not a week or two? Did you specifically say that you will only meet him for one afternoon? It seems he is under the impression that you only wanna see him for one or two afternoons and not longer, and that you wouldn't spend the entire time with him?

[GoodOlBoy]

As for this particular situation, why don't you offer him to rent an apartment, there are very many services offering apartments for daily rent, it's a lot more privacy and you can cook together, since he expressed the wish to do so.

Hello Smile_too.
I completely agree with Aloe here.
JMO....But, if the man in question (almost a total stranger) does not want to rent a flat or stay at a hotel and insists on "shacking up" with you and your son , I would say he is not very good marriage material.

GOB

PS...I am not so sure I buy into the "cooking" excuse being used by him either. :noidea:
Parental handbook rule#1: Always protect your sons and daughters from strangers.

[Smile_too]

How long have you been corresponding with him?

How personal have things become?

Do you feel like strangers to each other?

No things are not very personal - 2 weeks of corresponding

[Smile_too]

Wow 2 people with broken English do not have a promising future together, unless one of them urgently learns the native language of the other, IMO. There are so many misunderstandings that can and WILL occur between a woman and a native English speaker, let alone non-native speaker with bad English. I see a whole lot of stormy arguments because the 2 ppl give a different meaning to the same words (happens all the time). Now if he was a native speaker, you could trust him when he says that this word or that word means and implies this, and not the thing you thought. But in a situation where you disagree over meaning with a non-native and both of you think you are right in what the word implies and the other isn't (what does he know, it's not his native language?), a catastrophe is in the making (This is all coming from my own experience, maybe you will accept his view on meanings of the words in spite of his English being broken?).
why don't you wanna go to France?
You certainly won't have a problem with men who are willing to go over to Ukraine to meet you, because a) it's visa free for them, and b) you are awesome enough to have a man to come visit you, c) you deserve a man who cares enough for you to come and see you in your home surroundings, meet your family and such.
As for this particular situation, why don't you offer him to rent an apartment, there are very many services offering apartments for daily rent, it's a lot more privacy and you can cook together, since he expressed the wish to do so.
Why does he go to Brussels to fly if he lives in France?
Why does he think you only wanna meet him for one afternoon, and not a week or two? Did you specifically say that you will only meet him for one afternoon? It seems he is under the impression that you only wanna see him for one or two afternoons and not longer, and that you wouldn't spend the entire time with him?

no we said nothing about meet him for one afternoon -  seems he reads forums much about such meetings or may be had himself...we didn't ask him as don't want to fall in paranoia before the any events even started

if we shall pay attention at bad knowledge of language we shall get no results at all.
Several boys told already that language is not the great barrier when people want to be together

Thank you for so quick respond

[Smile_too]

Hello Smile_too.
I completely agree with Aloe here.
JMO....But, if the man in question (almost a total stranger) does not want to rent a flat or stay at a hotel and insists on "shacking up" with you and your son , I would say he is not very good marriage material.

GOB

PS...I am not so sure I buy into the "cooking" excuse being used by him either. :noidea:
Parental handbook rule#1: Always protect your sons and daughters from strangers.

yes to stay at the girl's flat (with her son) this variant would not be even discussed

[SMS60]

He is being serious in a desperate sort of way.

He wants a mommy to hold his hand. Don't allow it to be you. You are virtually strangers.

 

[JR]

I think he's serious and wants to spend more time with you than his imagined three or four day trip to have a one hour coffee date. But if you're not comfortable with the situation then that is what you have to go with.

[Lily]

The letter from a girl
Hello xxxxxxxxx
I live at a small 2-room flat with my son.
Don't think it would be clever to invite you here.
Certainly hotel is the best choose for you. We have 2 not bad hotels at the town or may be we can meet in Kiev. In Kiev you will stay at hotel I shall visit my brother.

For the first visit in order to see each other face to face and to understand what will be our next steps romantic places are more good. I am sure my flat can't be such romantic place.

Is this a problem for you?

His reply

Hi xxxxxxxxx,
yes it is a problem, imagine that I will go to Brussels, I'll leave the car at the parking lot, I will fly to Kiev, I'll take a hotel, and you'll have a drink, or spend a post lunch with me, and after I do what? I return to France? Do all this to spend an afternoon with a drink, I do not want to, if I ask you to make is to spend time with you, to spend several days in both live and really see if we take pleasure, if we have feelings, if we love to prepare dishes for two, so we often go for a walk, I want to spend as much time with that which may be can become my wife. But one afternoon I'm not interested, I think you understand me. I do not know if we like because we're going to see an afternoon or two in the afternoon.
I think, no offense, it will be difficult for you to meet someone if you do not want to come, or he must find a person in Ukraine.
I will not deceive me, I really want a true and beautiful strong relationship for life.
I'm sorry to talk like that, but I'm really decided to change my life.

Wait your answer
xxxxxx

I would say that these two letters basically talk about slightly different things. She points out that staying in her place would not be comfortable, therefore she could not invite him to visit. He lays out that in this case, for him a price of making a mistake about the woman would be too high, and also that the short face time would be not enough for people to make a decision.

You know, dating is to a large extent a numbers game. Whereas at home people can go for short meetings, what is mostly not difficult for them to make in case both live in the same location, and then they are free not to see each other any more if they decide that they are not right people to make a couple. In local dating, the price of mistake is not really high. If you don't like each other, you just wish her well and that's it. In the long distance however, people have to invest a lot of time and money into just a simple trial face-to-face meeting, therefore people tend to be very cautious and risk averse when it comes to long distance dating.

So I believe that the man just points out how high the price of mistake would it be here.

[Smile_too]

I would say that these two letters basically talk about slightly different things. She points out that staying in her place would not be comfortable, therefore she could not invite him to visit. He lays out that in this case, for him a price of making a mistake about the woman would be too high, and also that the short face time would be not enough for people to make a decision.

You know, dating is to a large extent a numbers game. Whereas at home people can go for short meetings, what is mostly not difficult for them to make in case both live in the same location, and then they are free not to see each other any more if they decide that they are not right people to make a couple. In local dating, the price of mistake is not really high. If you don't like each other, you just wish her well and that's it. In the long distance however, people have to invest a lot of time and money into just a simple trial face-to-face meeting, therefore people tend to be very cautious and risk averse when it comes to long distance dating.

So I believe that the man just points out how high the price of mistake would it be here.

Sorry may be really needs a small explanation. This letter the girl wrote after his question: "Where shall I live at the hotel or at your house?". As the girl has very small flat (far from house) and lives not alone so to stay at her "house" is impossible - so she tried to tell this for a man.


Do I understand well - you want to tell that there is a chance that this man is rather serious and this is  not just only "hunting"?
 

[GoodOlBoy]

...his question: "Where shall I live at the hotel or at your house?".

It is very rude behavior to "invite yourself" to somebody's home!

I don't care what "culture" you are from.

GOB

PS....Smile_too I really don't think this situation has anything to do with the Mars/Venus thingy. It has more to do with the "sleaze factor" of this particular man.

Boys you are from Mars...

[Jooky]

If this man is looking for a beautiful and strong relationship for life, his primary concern should be to do what is comfortable for his lady friend and her child. He should also be romancing this lady and making her feel special, not pressuring her and telling her she's not special enough to catch a man unless she's willing to come to him.

All the things he mentioned can be done without him staying at her flat, and if things don't click in person, they are both better off with him already having a separate hotel room or apartment lined up.

The guy wants some kind of guarantee. Tough luck. If you're not willing to take risks you shouldn't be in the international dating game.

PS. I actually did stay with a woman and her kid on a first meeting, but this was her idea and she was comfortable with it. If not, I would not have asked and definitely would not have insisted.

[vwrw]

If this man is looking for a beautiful and strong relationship for life, his primary concern should be to do what is comfortable for his lady friend and her child. He should also be romancing this lady and making her feel special, not pressuring her and telling her she's not special enough to catch a man unless she's willing to come to him.

All the things he mentioned can be done without him staying at her flat, and if things don't click in person, they are both better off with him already having a separate hotel room or apartment lined up.

The guy wants some kind of guarantee. Tough luck. If you're not willing to take risks you shouldn't be in the international dating game.

This is exactly what I was thinking when reading the man’s letter. I absolutely agree with Jooky.

Smile_too, Think for a moment… if this guy allows himself to talk so rudely with you in the flower-chocolate stage of your relationship when men demonstrate their best behavior to woo the targeted women, can you imagine how offensive and humiliating he may become once the flowery-chocolate stage of your relationship is finished?

Be wary of him! he is likely  damaged goods.

[Lily]

Sorry may be really needs a small explanation. This letter the girl wrote after his question: "Where shall I live at the hotel or at your house?". As the girl has very small flat (far from house) and lives not alone so to stay at her "house" is impossible - so she tried to tell this for a man.


Do I understand well - you want to tell that there is a chance that this man is rather serious and this is  not just only "hunting"?
 

There is a chance, I think, but at the same no idea how good this chances is, in this particular case. It is not possible to tell it just by one letter.

[tim 360]

I think you two really need to work at better communication.  Maybe a translator?  It seems like he is inviting himself to stay with you and your child which is not a good idea for you.  Better communication is needed.

[Jumper]

If this man is looking for a beautiful and strong relationship for life, his primary concern should be to do what is comfortable for his lady friend and her child. He should also be romancing this lady and making her feel special, not pressuring her and telling her she's not special enough to catch a man unless she's willing to come to him.

All the things he mentioned can be done without him staying at her flat, and if things don't click in person, they are both better off with him already having a separate hotel room or apartment lined up.

This man  wants some kind of guarantee. Tough luck. If you're not willing to take risks you shouldn't be in the international dating game.

PS. I actually did stay with a woman and her kid on a first meeting, but this was her idea and she was comfortable with it. If not, I would not have asked and definitely would not have insisted.

I get the sam e exact impression as jooky.

The guy wantys more of a gurantee , by some commitment to stay at her apartment.

With only 2 weeks correspondence , he is simply being  pushy ,somewhat rude, and strange.


He asked where he should stay.
she told him politely.

he does not like the answer.


but its a very reasonable and normal answer for only 2 weeks correspondence.



If he doesnt want to stay in ta hotel, then HE should be the one coming up with solutions, like renting his own flat.

Not insisting on inviting himself to other peoples 


Does he know the Ukrainian (Russian?)  experssion about Tartars(guests)  visting unanounced?   
maybe he needs introduced to it?

[Vaughn]

Let's assume for a minute that this guy really is serious, and that the lady buys all his objections. Is it not
obvious that he will carry on through life with this sense of entitlement? Example: "I made two trips to Ukraine to
see you, took time off from work, spent all this money to get you here - and now you expect me to allow you to
1) have your own credit card, 2) learn how to drive an automobile, 3) send you back to Ukraine now and
then to visit your loved ones - after all the trouble I've been through?

I agree with Jooky and AJ that this cat is in the wrong game. Any self-respecting woman would be turned off by
his childish comeback - not to mention his insulting comment that her desire to tread water traditionally would
effectively spell the end for her chances of meeting a Westerner. I'm referring exactly to --->

I think, no offense, it will be difficult for you to meet someone if you do not want to come, or he must find a person in Ukraine.

No offense? Is he kidding? Smile_too, I hopped on a plane and flew all the way to Moscow to meet a woman - and to be
honest, I never really knew with 100% certainty that she would even show up. There is always some element of risk that
one must be willing to take - and this guy doesn't appear to qualify in that regard.

Tell your lady friend to be patient in finding a man who's willing to take some chances, just as she is.

[Turboguy]

First off, I will agree that you can not understand everything about a person from one letter and second it does seem that there is a language or communication problem since his understanding of her letter seemed off in left field.

My take on him:

Where should he stay, a hotel, rent an apartment, her apartment?  I think the best thing for the lady is if he stays home.  He strikes me as rude, arragent and demanding.  He also strikes me as a sex tourist, a lowlife and a cheapskate. 

It is hard sometimes to meet a good person but there is no reason to waste more time on this jerk. 

[Smile_too]

WOW thank you everybody!!!
You helped much to put thoughts on it's shelfs. Yes we did thought too something like:  This man  wants some kind of guarantee. Tough luck. If you're not willing to take risks you shouldn't be in the international dating game.
Don't think 2 weeks writing can be considered even the  flower-chocolate stage of  relationship. Seems at this stage  they both are polite but are not ready still to be sweet.

To tell the truth  I like more  Vaughn's way of treating the lady