Little Doofus

[Steamer]

I have a problem with my step son.

This boy is a drinking fool. He's had a string of drinking offences since he came over. He's been here for 11 yrs but still doesn't have his citizenship because of a string of DUI arrests.
Honey bunch is the best but she has a blind spot when it comes to her little darling. This little dip sh!t is finally is close to being deported. He's a good kid but he's a dope when it comes to the law. On his last arrest he blew a .34. One more like this and he'll be deported and bouncing down the road to Grozny on a troop truck.

Trust me  I've bounced his butt around but the problem is momma can't see him being dis caplined. She'll bitch and yell but if I sock him then I'm the bad guy. And if I don't then I'm the bad guy. What's a guy to do?

[facetrock]

  It sounds like the troop truck would be good thing for him. If your not allowed to correct him then I guess its up to him when he gets deported.

[ECOCKS]

  It sounds like the troop truck would be good thing for him. If your not allowed to correct him then I guess its up to him when he gets deported.

I agree the troop truck may just sober him up. Then again it may just turn him into a confirmed alcoholic with a love for wife-beater undershirts and brutality. Of course if he gets deported there goes a few years before he dares to apply to come back.

As mentioned, he's in control of this, not you.

You have my sympathy man.

[acctBill]

I agree with the previous posters.  A stint in the Russian military, especially if he ends up being stationed in the Chechen Republic, will certainly sober him up very quickly.  The downside is, without his citizenship, will he be allowed back in the US (I'm assuming you're American)?  If you're really worried about this, perhaps you and your wife (without doofus) should take this to a therapist or AA counselor and develop a strategy to deal with it.   

[viking]

I assume that he is at least 21? Ever hear of tough love? What would happen if you came home on day and just gave him a one way ticket back and told him he had two weeks before departure and then just let him alone to mull things over? Also, I do not agree he is in control. Your wife is in control. If you can get into some therapy it may go a long way in understanding WHY he is behaving this way. There is a reason.

[Boethius]

There is nothing you can do.  He will need to learn his lessons the hard way.

I do suggest you get him into addiction counseling, though it won't help unless he wants to change.

[Steamer]

There is nothing you can do.  He will need to learn his lessons the hard way.

I do suggest you get him into addiction counseling, though it won't help unless he wants to change.

Thanks everyone, I believe that you're all coprrect. It's just a very frustrating situation for us and we've been feeling real helpless.

Since his last arrest he's been going to AA and seems to be sincere but his mother and I have been here before. Will he stay sober after his legal troubles improve? We're looking for counciling for him also.

[BC]

Just remember it's not the kids we hate.. it's the bad choices they make that are hated.

Drinking to excess and getting behind the wheel of a car when drunk is a choice.

It's usually a good idea to get that point across otherwise it's sorta like pulling the rug from under.. possibly leading to the situation where it ends up being a 'what the hell.. they hate me anyway' deal.

A hug is still appropriate.

[Steamer]

Just remember it's not the kids we hate.. it's the bad choices they make that are hated.

Drinking to excess and getting behind the wheel of a car when drunk is a choice.

It's usually a good idea to get that point across otherwise it's sorta like pulling the rug from under.. possibly leading to the situation where it ends up being a 'what the hell.. they hate me anyway' deal.

A hug is still appropriate.

Good point. I don't want my excited responses to frustrate my son and crush his enthusiasm. The wife and I went to an Alanon meeting trying to get a clue how to deal with this but it didn't seem to offer much. I think I'll give them another try.

[Steamer]

I assume that he is at least 21? Ever hear of tough love? What would happen if you came home on day and just gave him a one way ticket back and told him he had two weeks before departure and then just let him alone to mull things over? Also, I do not agree he is in control. Your wife is in control. If you can get into some therapy it may go a long way in understanding WHY he is behaving this way. There is a reason.

The problem with him going back to Russia for a reality check is that the minute he sets foot in the FSU he'll be sent to the military (he's 26). I don't think that the military is the place to go to correct a drinking problem (US or FSU).

[groovlstk]

Steamer, if you get a chance I'd recommend Netflixing a series that HBO did a few years ago called Addiction. It's not a lurid examination of alcohol and drug addiction, rather a primer (and a very hopeful one) on how cutting-edge science is being used to treat addiction.

There's a segment on alcoholism and an experimental drug that has been approved by the FDA to treat epilepsy, I believe, that shows a remarkable ability to stop cravings for alcohol. Anyway, there are more options today in addition to Alanon. What hasn't changed is that the person has to acknowledge they have a problem and accept help.

Good luck with this.

 

[GoodOlBoy]

Hello Steamer.
I assume your stepson has a green card?
If he does, why don't you talk him into enlisting?
A hitch in the U.S. Marine Corps (Parris Island ) will probably straighten him out.
Do your best and don't give up on him, you brought him here with his Mom (package deal).
Good Luck!

GOB

[Steamer]

The downside is, without his citizenship, will he be allowed back in the US (I'm assuming you're American)? 

Right now it's all at the misdemeaner level. The next time it's at the felony level which is where you worry about deportation. If this happens I don't think he'll be able to get back here (legally).

If you're really worried about this, perhaps you and your wife (without doofus)
should take this to a therapist or AA counselor and develop a strategy to deal with it.   

Yes, the more I think about this the more I think the wife and I should focus some energy on our behavior.

[Ranetka]

Let your son live his life as he sees fit. I assume he does not live with you?

Give Alanon another chance, they offer much more than you can see right now.

Alanon saved my sanity and possibly life.

[Steamer]

Hello Steamer.
I assume your stepson has a green card?
If he does, why don't you talk him into enlisting?
A hitch in the U.S. Marine Corps (Parris Island ) will probably straighten him out.
Do your best and don't give up on him, you brought him here with his Mom (package deal).
Good Luck!

GOB

Yes he has a GC.
We've thought about this (a lot!) but decided against it. He'll just wind up in some brig. He's an alcoholic. He admits to this. He's hurting right now from all his trouble so he'll be OK for a while (he was sober for a year before this last arrest) but it's like watching a time bomb.

No, we're not giving up on him. We're just frazzled and discouraged. Our best efforts have gone nowhere. He's doing what he's supposed to now, we want to help keep him there.

[Steamer]

Let your son live his life as he sees fit. I assume he does not live with you?

That's harder than it sounds. It's tough to just watch someone self destruct. Yes he lives with us. His last girlfriend threw him out, he lost his job and drivers license.

Give Alanon another chance, they offer much more than you can see right now.

Alanon saved my sanity and possibly life.

Yes, perhaps we were too hasty to drop it.

[Ranetka]

That's harder than it sounds. It's tough to just watch someone self destruct. Yes he lives with us. His last girlfriend threw him out, he lost his job and drivers license.

Yes it is very hard but yet again it's HIS life, it is up to him to change, you did not cause his behaviour and you can not control it. You can try and concentrate on controlling your own life i.e. set firm rules in your house you want him to obide by.

I wish you good luck and try to think about your own life, how to make your own life better even if he is not going to change his.

And another thing I am not even sure if I need to put here or not. He is, even being an alcoholic fool, a dignified human being. Have enough respect for him as a human being not to refuse him the dignity of making his own choices even wrong ones. Protect your family if need to.

[Vaughn]

Steamer,

  Ranetka's last post makes so much sense to me. The guy is 26, living at home, and has been tossed
out by the girlfriend. You and your wife can only do so much. Your working together on the situation
is admirable - some marriages would self-destruct in the face of such adversity.

  Don't abandon him - but for his own sake, don't carry him either. It may take years for him to wake up.

 

[ECOCKS]

While personally I favor the path of enlisting in the Army or Marines and drying yourself out that's not necessarily the best path for your son to take.

Somewhere between doing nothing and placing him in a lock-up rehab facility ($$$$$) is a path that makes sense.

If he's admitted the problem then that  is a huge step but if he cannot muster the self-control to clean up his act and you are truly one poor judgment away from deportation then I really don't see that you have any options beyond a "come-to-Jesus" family meeting to define the situation in front of each family member to remove any ambiguity and then find him something to focus on where he has a chance to dry out. Putting him in a secure rehab facility would help with the physical aspects (at least in the beginning) but without mental acceptance and structuring your life to avoid the temptation and traps, it's only a convenience.

If any family member was one arrest away from deportation I'd damn sure get them away from the car keys. This is a reality situation that is catastrophic to you and your family. So, turn in the driver's license for a state ID card and get him off the insurance. If it's only one arrest away then why would you keep enabling him with those tools? Help him get a job where the environment is less likely to involve contact with those who drink and "run wild". If that means buying him a small trailer to park next door to where he will work, then so be it. The alternative is the thing to remember every time you hear "I can't.." or "My little baby cannot..." coming from the mouth of your son or wife.

Again, it's just intensely personal advice from a third party, always a path fraught with peril but you simply cannot let yourself become tied to a situation where he is in control. You will end up being blamed, somewhat rightly, as the catalyst which brought about her separation from her son. That is an effect of his action and will leave you devastated and potentially affect your relationship with your wife.

I've been there and done that and, believe me, the road to your own personal hell is often paved with good intentions to help your family and friends the best way you know how. Still, you are often blamed in any resulting blowup due to letting yourself get sucked into helping.

[JR]

I have a problem with my step son.

This boy is a drinking fool. He's had a string of drinking offences since he came over. He's been here for 11 yrs but still doesn't have his citizenship because of a string of DUI arrests.
Honey bunch is the best but she has a blind spot when it comes to her little darling. This little dip sh!t is finally is close to being deported. He's a good kid but he's a dope when it comes to the law. On his last arrest he blew a .34. One more like this and he'll be deported and bouncing down the road to Grozny on a troop truck.

Trust me  I've bounced his butt around but the problem is momma can't see him being dis caplined. She'll bitch and yell but if I sock him then I'm the bad guy. And if I don't then I'm the bad guy. What's a guy to do?

If he's old enough to get into that kind of trouble then he's old enough to pay his own tab.

In a sober moment clearly explain to him (with the mother present) what he is facing and the consequences thereof. Offer whatever advice/assistance you deem appropriate then draw a line as to what you'll tolerate. You don't have much else in the way of choices, you can't control him.

[tim 360]

You are in a tough spot here Steamer and there really is not much either you or his mother can do because it is all up to him.  At 26 and being an alcoholic the decisions are all his unless you can somehow have him committed involuntairily to a long-term treatment facility.  I have seen too many alcoholics in my life and the ONLY person who can affect a change...is him.  He has to really want to change.  And it does not seem from what I've read here that he is strong enough...he is an alcohol addict and despite some AA meetings you and your wife should fully realize the odds are that he will stumble and drive drunk and get arrested and probably deported. 

AA and counseling can help but it is only him who can make it happen.  Good luck.

[Vinnvinny]

Trust me  I've bounced his butt around but the problem is momma can't see him being dis caplined. She'll bitch and yell but if I sock him then I'm the bad guy. And if I don't then I'm the bad guy. What's a guy to do?

Sock him. You'll still be the bad guy but it'l make you feel better. I write from personal experience of an 'EE' lady and her son who was wrapped in cotton wool by mum. His first day at school here in the UK someone else did the socking which I viewed as a sort of communal teamwork effort in a macabre sort of way. It eventually help to kill the relationship.

[GQBlues]

Trust me  I've bounced his butt around but the problem is momma can't see him being dis caplined. She'll bitch and yell but if I sock him then I'm the bad guy. And if I don't then I'm the bad guy. What's a guy to do?

Yeah, maybe it's just me....

If the mother doesn't seem to be too worried about it (presumably since you seem to have a difficult time trying to take care of this yourself), why should you? If she doesn't care enough about this, then maybe you shouldn't either...that's her own son to begin with.

The guy is old enough to distinguish right from wrong, and addiction is wrong, so if he isn't packing any type of respect to either of you, let him live the life he chose and his mother seem to allow him to...

[GoodOlBoy]

If she doesn't care enough about this, then maybe you shouldn't either...that's her own son to begin with.

Yes, but don't forget he is in a "foreign" land (not of his choice), with strange people and a different set of rules with no father (no offense Steamer).


GOB


PS....I have been both a "father" and a "stepfather".

[Boethius]

Well, there is an underlying reason why he is addicted to alcohol.  Addiction is primarily psychological, not physical.