Little Doofus

[GQBlues]

Yes, but don't forget he is in a "foreign" land with strange people and a different set of rules with no father (no offense Steamer).

Hhhmmmm...not exactly. He's been here 11 years, meaning he's lived most of his adolescent/adult life here in the US (based on Steamer's OP) so he likely identifies more to life as an American than Russian.

But forget that for a minute...he's an adult. From my POV, the very best Steamer can do is offer him his support if he needs it - period. It's one thing to lack respect to yourself, to me, it's quite another to do so to your parents.

Moreover, if the mother feels the need to discipline him, she will. It is apparent she doesn't feel the need after all this time...so I don't understand why the OP do.

[Voyager36]

Sock him. You'll still be the bad guy but it'l make you feel better. I write from personal experience of an 'EE' lady and her son who was wrapped in cotton wool by mum. His first day at school here in the UK someone else did the socking which I viewed as a sort of communal teamwork effort in a macabre sort of way. It eventually help to kill the relationship.

??

 Not a chance, the "kid' is now 26, so way beyond parental discipline. (at least physical)

[Vinnvinny]

Not a chance, the "kid' is now 26, so way beyond parental discipline. (at least physical)

Shouldn't the title of the thread have been Big Doofus then? 

[Steamer]

... but if I sock him then I'm the bad guy. And if I don't then I'm the bad guy.

Let me rephrase this. I was angry when I wrote this and was venting.

"... but if I slap him out of a drunken stupor to find out what happened to my car then I'm the bad guy. And when my wife finds him passed out after drinking her special bottle of Metaxa how is this my fault?

[Daveman]

Let me rephrase this. I was angry when I wrote this and was venting.

"... but if I slap him out of a drunken stupor to find out what happened to my car then I'm the bad guy. And when my wife finds him passed out after drinking her special bottle of Metaxa how is this my fault?

Well if that's the case, I think that pedestrian mode is way overdue... you should at least be able to control the keys.. or does Mama pitch a fit about that as well? (Though I think ignoring Mama's fit on such a topic would be in order.. coming again, from a man not married to an RW).

[Steamer]

If the mother doesn't seem to be too worried about it (presumably since you seem to have a difficult time trying to take care of this yourself), why should you? If she doesn't care enough about this, then maybe you shouldn't either...that's her own son to begin with.

My wife and I are both worried sick about this. We're just trying to figure out how to deal with it. We end up fighting with each other. A woman at the Alanon meeting said he has to live with the consequences of his actions and to stop trying to "fix" him. Thinking on this I know it's right. Like you guys saying to let him live his life so he can come to his own conclusions. I agree with the theory but the practice is hard.

[Steamer]

Well if that's the case, I think that pedestrian mode is way overdue... you should at least be able to control the keys

Oh he's on a bike now. The courts took care of that.

.. or does Mama pitch a fit about that as well? (Though I think ignoring Mama's fit on such a topic would be in order.. coming again, from a man not married to an RW).

His mother is totally concerned. I seems that whenever stepson screws up the wife and I start to argue which destroys any united front on dealing with this.

 

[ECOCKS]

Steamer, the two of you really need a counselor/mediator or you're going to suffer the nuclear winter fallout from this situation.

Get a trusted third party involved or you're up for the fall in this.

[Steamer]

Steamer, the two of you really need a counselor/mediator or you're going to suffer the nuclear winter fallout from this situation.

Get a trusted third party involved or you're up for the fall in this.

Agreed. The county health dept. has a substance abuse dept. I'm going there to find a councilor for stepson and try to find one for wife and I.

[GoodOlBoy]

NEWBIES.....Pay close attention to this thread!
Anyone of you who are thinking about marrying an FSU woman with a kid....this could be your life.

GOB

[facetrock]

  If you have a kid with your Russian wife it could turn out the same way. From what I've read I think Doofus has a serious problem. Not just binge drinking. This is something he will have to deal with and combat the rest of his life. Army,Navy, Airforce or Marines wont help. I think he needs an extended stay at a rehab facility. The sooner the better.
 

[JohnDearGreen]

I have a problem with my step son.
This boy is a drinking fool.  Trust me  I've bounced his butt around but the problem is momma...

So is his non-drinking life any better than his drinking life?  Any social or psychological problems?  Any friends or other hobbies?

The fact that you do not mention any of these subjects makes me wonder if you have made any attempt to research and understand more about it?




"I believe the key to happiness is: someone to love, something to do, and something to look forward to."  Elvis

[Shostakovich]

"A whip for the horse, a halter for the donkey, and stripes for the backs of fools!"

Let the whip come down.

[Steamer]

So is his non-drinking life any better than his drinking life?  

Yes it seems to be better. What kind of question is that?

Any social or psychological problems?  Any friends or other hobbies?

Stepson is Mister Sociable, makes friends everywhere he goes. Likable personality. But when he starts drinking he can't stop. He's been sober for a couple weeks now and has made a few AA friends and has dumped his drinking buddies (I hope). He never really had any hobbies. I couldn't interest him in anything I was doing. He was always doing whatever his buddies were doing.

He was 15 when he came over and was in the local high school within 10 weeks. He was rather self conscious about himself. He wanted to fit in. I don't know how but he found every Russian kid in the school (about 8 or so). They were good kids and all was good. When he got his drivers license is when the trouble started. He found his way into the larger Russian community in the area and started to hang around all the delinquents; you know, the "cool guys". They hung out, drank beer and generally made pests of themselves. He got away from his old friends. This is when he started getting arrested for MIP and public drinking.

His mother and I saw right away what was going on and tried to get him away from this crowd with limited success. He'd stay away for a while but would sneak back over to them. This is when the lying began in earnest. We'd take away his car, his privileges, bribe and beg him but nothing worked until he got a girlfriend; a particular girlfriend. She was French and had a strong personality. He loved her and she didn't put up with any of his crap or his stupid buddies. He seemed to get on track, did well in college and things got good again. But he'd been drinking all along. He just drank slow and steady all day long and kept a "maintenance buzz". After about 2 yrs his GF got sick of this and gave him the heave ho. He got another GF that tolerated his drinking until she had her limit and shoved him out the door. He stayed sober for almost a year and got drunk one night and arrested again. Now he's back home with us.

The fact that you do not mention any of these subjects makes me wonder if you have made any attempt to research and understand more about it?

That's ALL we've done. We've made mistakes and I'm sure I could've done better. So many times we thought things were getting better only to find that actually it was worse. We need a new road map out of this place and were trying to find it.

[ECOCKS]

Steamer, the past is water under the bridge and recriminations don't help. Learn from what happened and focus on moving forward in a positive direction. Looking ahead, all you can do is all you can do. Get the counseling for you and your wife to work out your issues and get into a united position, nudge him in the direction of rehab if possible.

Best wishes to all involved.

[Steamer]

Steamer, the past is water under the bridge and recriminations don't help. Learn from what happened and focus on moving forward in a positive direction. Looking ahead, all you can do is all you can do. Get the counseling for you and your wife to work out your issues and get into a united position, nudge him in the direction of rehab if possible.

Best wishes to all involved.

Thanks, you know I feel a lot better just unloading all this.

[Steamer]

NEWBIES.....Pay close attention to this thread!
Anyone of you who are thinking about marrying an FSU woman with a kid....this could be your life.

GOB

Hey,
Honeybunch and I signed up for the duration. That's the promise we made to each other. This is a big problem but we're working on it. We fight, sure, but she's got my back. I love my life with Honey, this is just the price of playing poker.

[JohnDearGreen]

Stepson is Mister Sociable, makes friends everywhere he goes. Likable personality.

He was 15 when he came over and was in the local high school within 10 weeks....   but he found every Russian kid in the school (about 8 or so).  

If he made friends everywhere, why did he only hang out with Russian kids?  Not a good thing.

It sounds like he has been here over 5 years.  You are just now thinking about starting counseling?  Several of the places I've worked have a benefit option which includes 5 free hours of counseling each year.

I always dreaded dating RW with teenage boys, because I figured they would have the most difficult time adjusting.

[Steamer]

If he made friends everywhere, why did he only hang out with Russian kids?  Not a good thing.

When he first came over we thought it WAS a good thing. The RKids he hung with were polite, from good families and planning to go to college. As he got older he switched his friends to a bad crowd. Looking back on it maybe he was having some identity or self esteem crisis. We just didn't pick up on it.

It sounds like he has been here over 5 years.  You are just now thinking about starting counseling?  Several of the places I've worked have a benefit option which includes 5 free hours of counseling each year.

This didn't happen all at once, it grew over time in steps. At every step we thought things could be handled. Just keep him away from THOSE kids. Watch him like a hawk and knock the beer bottle out of his hand etc. etc. He was good at hiding things from us. We thought it was a discipline or will power problem that could be solved with constant monitoring and a swift kick in the pants. I was wrong. He seems to pull his life together and gets back on track but then it all falls apart and winds up worse then he was.

I always dreaded dating RW with teenage boys, because I figured they would have the most difficult time adjusting.

This can happen with any kid not just RKids. We were just slow on the uptake. What's different about now is that he's in AA, he's admitting his problem and seems sincere about changing his life. We want to do what we can to help but we're seeing problems with ourselves helping and trying to do things for him. We're learning too.

[ECOCKS]

So true Steamer. I look at the train wreck my former step-children have become in their young adult lives and thank my stars that I am away from how they played out.

My own two children have had their issues but eventually settled down into mostly stable situations. The 20 year old RK was great and completed two degrees and steadfastly held off from rushing into marriage as we prepare to bring him and his fiance over to the states.

Sometimes you do everything in your power and have to face the fact that you are NOT superman. As I said earlier, all you can do is all you can do as long as you did your best at the time. Apply the lessons learned and move forward as best you can to keep your wife safe and the boy provided with the chances to change his life if he wants to do so.

[viking]

IMHO there are several issues at play. First and foremost you and your wife must be on the exact same page . Whatever direction you take you both of you need to be firm in that decision. No waffling. And I think this should be with the help of some type of counseling. Just the two of you. Secondly, there is always a reason for everything. WHY did he want to hang out with this wrong crowd? What was the attraction? What is he trying to avoid? Drinking this much usually means he is trying to escape from something. You do need to find the root of this. Something in his life went south and this is the result. It may mean getting really down deep to find the cause. Without knowing this answer this can go on far longer than you want.

I want to add that I am the father of two girls. A bit younger than your son but old enough. We caught our oldest stealing some vodka from our cabinet one time and another time we answered the door late one night to find a cop with our daughter in tow, dunk from being at a party with "the wrong crowd". It took some serious talking and some strong discipline. We was grounded for a long time, missed a huge concert that she waited for a long time that everyone she knew was going to. she got angry with us but we stood our ground. We carefully monitored her friends, was required to be home at a certain time and other restrictions. This all worked out well. She learned her lesson. She was given back all her freedoms and we never had another issue.Now graduating com laude at her university. And I might add, this tough love she was subject to, was later answered by a thank you mom and dad.

Your son is in a more serious situation. But the same thought set applies. Please work on this together. Don't give up.

[Faux Pas]

viking,

I'm sure you mean well but, the comparison to your American daughter and Steamer's grown Russian born step son can hardly be approached in the same manner.

I do agree with you however that the approach to the son needs to be a united front from Steamer and his wife. They likely both need to give up significant ground on their individual beliefs about the best approach. Steamer if you and the little lady can't agree on what this approach is together, seek some counseling together. These type things can drive a fatal wedge in a marriage.

Steamer, hopefully the venting is giving you some sort of relief. This is one of those situations one doesn't completely understand until they've lived it. You are left to deal with it and the fall out from it. Hopefully it gets better but many times it get worse before it does. Good luck to you.

[viking]

FP

I know there is a big difference. What I was trying to get across , as we both agree on, is the united front with Steamer and his wife. And then trying to find the underlying reason for his sons behavior. I will stand corrected, but large or small, the process is the same. I just truly hope this all works out for the best, whatever that may be.

[Faux Pas]

FP

I know there is a big difference. What I was trying to get across , as we both agree on, is the united front with Steamer and his wife. And then trying to find the underlying reason for his sons behavior. I will stand corrected, but large or small, the process is the same. I just truly hope this all works out for the best, whatever that may be.

This is right on but not as easy, said and done. From your description it sounds like your daughter was more experimenting and good for you that you were able to get her as far as you have. Addiction on the other hand is a very powerful force. Love and support more often than not, is not enough. There is likely something under the surface for Steamer's stepson that could take years. Unfortunately, there is no surefire method to ending addiction other than the certain death if it's not dealt with. I feel for all of them. Nothing about it is easy.

[tfcrew]

Well, there is an underlying reason why he is addicted to alcohol.  Addiction is primarily psychological, not physical.

Links on this...

http://www.bma-wellness.com/addictions/Alcohol.html

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Physical_dependence