Now What

[Cat]

I am not really sure where to post this so, I suppose this is as good a spot as any.  I have read through many of the stories, advice, and criticism on this site, but would now like to cover a few topics all in one post.  it will be part TR, part thoughts about the large agencies, and probably a lot of proselytizing.

Being of extremely moderate means to begin with, I lost the love of love of my life earlier this year to a stroke, along with half my income.  The grief was unbearable, I have two small children at home, and two in college hell bent on destroying themselves for the time being.  After drinking myself into oblivion for 90 days, I was desperately in need of hope.  So I was compelled to try the agency approach.  Basically it was all I could afford.   

With respect to the agencies, I think either my girl and I got incredibly lucky, are incredibly blessed or many individuals attempting to find a foreign mate will have the same challenges in or out of there own country.  Without being to esoteric here, it seems to me that finding someone you want to spend the rest of your life with should not require the due diligence necessary for hedge fund investing.  Nor should it be treated with the disregard of an average trip to the mall.  I don't think anyone is 20 years old here.  We all have vast life experiences that may or may not mesh with a specific individual.  It is up to us to define who we are and what we want.  If all we want is a trophy, then a trophy is all we will get, lifeless and worth little more than the nail it takes to attach it to the wall. 

Truth be told, I met my girl on one of the largest and most criticized websites available.  her profile was simple.  Name, city blah blah blah, and what am I looking for.  Her answer, "we will know on the inside, Nothing else really matters".  The profile was real, but the introduction letters were fake, or at least not written by her hand. However, she did read letters occasionally, and more to the point she read the letters her interpreter though were more interesting. 

By the way, I am not using names here because the fact is the agency system is not built for this to happen, and I would not want to see any of the parties involved suffer from this post.  Near as I can tell, all the horror stories are true.  That goes for both ends!  By the way gentlemen.  This is no picnic for a "genuine" FSU girl either.  Agencies are built for profit and ongoing client expenditure.  It's a business.  Somehow we managed, with the help of many people, to ween ourselves from the agency.  We began slowly communicating away from the it and eventually arranged my visit on our own terms.

Looking back on the experience, I can only describe it as pure magic.  Our initial letters scarcely mentioned our likes or dislikes or what we were looking for in a mate.  They were about philosophy, religion, literature, science, and a ton of other topics many people would consider bizarre.  We played games of description to see if the other could identify the underlying meaning or anticipate the story's origin. We knew by the 3 pair of letters that this relationship was special.  We think the same, we act the same, and even our birthdays are on the same day.

So how was my visit?  Well, it was a beautiful of course.  She is everything I anticipated her to be and much much more.  knowing that I had a very tight budget, she refused to let me spend any money on her.  She would hear nothing of going to night clubs, nice restaurants or even allowing me to get her gifts any kind. (I went shopping on Black Friday anyway and bought a couple things for she and her daughter).  She even arranged for a friend of a friend to serve as taxi from the Airport 2.5 hours from the city where she lives.  She met me there, and took me back!

I must confess that I am the world's worst traveler.  I forget necessary items, and am completely disorganized.  But with a big warm smile, she compensated for all my shortcomings like someone rescuing a stray cat from a snow storm.  Even dinner at with her parents was a romantic comedy.  Communication was difficult, since she speaks very little English, and I almost no Russian.  Her 20 year old son is fairly proficient, but we often needed pictures on napkins to get a point across.  I am still floored by the genuine hospitality, mountains of food, and home made Vodka toasted every 3 minutes for 2 and half hours.

So that is my TR, and analysis of agencies.  Now all I need to know, is what to do next.  My case is exactly the reason why fees have increased.  I have a steady job, and my children receive survivor benefits, but they still need CHIP for medical care.  I have course, have none.  My business is growing, but the my salary will remain modest for the foreseeable future.  As a single parent, I am just above the income levels for help, a good thing in my opinion, but $800 per month in childcare would be erased if my girl was here.  I am head over heals for her, and she feels the same.  I posted because, I would really like to know what we can expect, in terms of time, in terms of fees, and the possibility of denial, since her daughter would need CHIP too

Thanks all for reading

[Jack]

Agencies are built for profit and ongoing client expenditure.

Not necessarily true with all agencies Cat.



You just lost a loved one.  Just as with a divorce, most of us need time to heal. I think you are really rushing this.  I also think from a financial point of view you should save some money.  Children in college are going to need your time and financial support.

I assume that you have met only one Russian woman and after your first visit with this one Russian woman your ready to proceed with the fiancée K-1 visa?   Cat, I think your rushing all this. 

[Ade]

My condolences for your loss earlier this year.

One of the first things that comes to mind from reading your post is to wonder if you ready for this? Are you able to think clearly so soon after such a traumatic event and see any woman for what she is rather than an idealized replacement for what you've lost? Rebound relationships very soon after a major beakup or divorce aren't particularly wise to begin with but your situation is perhaps even more prone to mistakes.

Add language differences combined with spending very little face time with each other and, at the worse extreme, it can culminate in the "she changed after she got here" syndrome. Of course, more often than not, no one changes, it's the self imposed illusion that dissipates.

You have small children to think about too so my advice is to take it slowly and don't rush.

I see that Jack posted while I was typing; I don't always agree with his opinion but with this I obviously do. In retrospect, it took me a good 5 years after my divorce to be ready for a committed relationship although I didn't know it at the time and managed to mess up several promising relationships because of my baggage. I've heard others here say similar things. Take your time, be absolutely sure, that you are ready and that you know each other.

[I/O]

Now what? Two things IMO.

1) Ignore the static, although it is well meaning, it is static.

2) Save your coins very carefully and go back for a second visit.

[wicheese]

Cat,

Thank your for sharing your story as I hope all turns out in the end.  But, I agree with the other posters in that this is something that should not be rushed, so take your time as I disagree with you as I think finding someone for marriage should require more effort than someone puts into researching a hedge fund as it's human lives we're dealing with.

Now to answer your question, I would take another longer visit, seriously evaluate your finances because even if you jump into a K-1 process after one visit you'll still have future costs of relocating her life to you and medical insurance for her, and talk to her about expectations as the reality of life once she hits the ground can often be very different from what one things it'll be (culture shock is a very real thing).  Good luck!

[vwrw]

Welcome to the forum, Cat!
She drank homemade vodka every 3 minutes for 2 and half hour? What a gem!  It is irrefutable evidence that she is a wonderful life partner!

Playing games of description and discussing literature and science instead of your likes or dislikes and what you are looking for in a mate are so brilliant strategy. The less you know about a person, the easier it is to be infatuated with him or her.

We think the same, we act the same, and even our birthdays are on the same day.

Really? What a miracle! You are incredible evidence that the culture where people grew up in has zero influence on their personalities, way of thinking and habitual behaviors. You should be studied by anthropologists because you are the exact opposite of what they say is true.

I would really like to know what we can expect, in terms of time, in terms of fees, and the possibility of denial, since her daughter would need CHIP too

You can expect to learn really expensive lesson. I hope benefits of the  lesson will justify the costs.

[Gylden]

You can expect to learn really expensive lesson. I hope benefits of the  lesson will justify the costs.

Now that is funny!!     

I agree completely, first of all from the little description you have given us Cat, to be honest it doesn't sound like you have the financial resources to give yourself a reasonable chance.
My advice would be in tune with the others here, slow down. Really analyze if you are ready for something like this and especially at this time.

[facetrock]

  Cat. Sorry but I dont think your ready. Your talking about bringing a woman here who will need government subsidized health care for her daughter. As a taxpayer who has yet to get sh1t from the government other than a tax bill, do me and the rest of the taxpaying people in this country a favor and dont bring her over til you can actually afford it.
  Take another trip and see if the fire is still there before you attempt anything else and get your financial house in order.

[Faux Pas]

Cat
Looks like everyone is pretty much in unison. Quite honestly from your description it would seem to me, that everyone is correct. There are a number of "red flags" and they are all yours. 1) You are fresh from another unexpected ended relationship (no fault of yours but a fact) 2) you (possibly her) are apparently in a big hurry to "get this done". 3) you currently cannot afford this lady or her child. Your comment that she'll save you $800 a month in childcare is very telling.

Something else all (so far) are agreeing to is to "slow the hell down". Your going about this like your butt is on fire. It sounds like you have found you a sincere woman from agency. Good for you. Has she left the agency? Caution: If she is in love, willing to pull the trigger and marry you at this point, you should question that. Finding a woman to marry and start the K-1 process seriously, is the easy part. The K-1 process, the relocation, the assimilation to marriage and from one culture to the next is where it gets ultra expensive and testing. Commitment, nerves, character and "love" gets tested on a daily basis for you both. Are you man enough?

Slow down dude. Work on getting your finances and house in order and also, getting your mind right. Plan on more trips to visit her. Really get to know her. What you've had thus far amounts to a couple of dates. Would you marry a local woman after going out a few times? Putting a relationship together on the cheap and on the fly is IMHO dooming it to failure. Saving $800 a month on childcare wouldn't even come close to what you are subjecting your children, this lady and yourself to.

You may have hit a Blackjack with the agency woman but you are very early in the game.

[Vaughn]

After drinking myself into oblivion for 90 days, I was desperately in need of hope.  So I was compelled to try the agency approach.  Basically it was all I could afford.

You missed an important step, Cat. It was time to join a Bereaved Spouses Support Group. It's not only not too late, it's
affordable and the best advice I can offer. I suggest you print a copy of your initial post and bring it to the first meeting.
The reactions there will echo what you're reading here.

Practically nobody here wants to burst your bubble, but if you really sit back and be honest with yourself, ask that man in
the mirror if this plan is more borne of "hope" than you care to admit. Losing the love of your life to going head over heels
in your brief narrative scares the heck out of me. 

[Turboguy]

Our initial letters scarcely mentioned our likes or dislikes or what we were looking for in a mate.  They were about philosophy, religion, literature, science, and a ton of other topics many people would consider bizarre.   

Communication was difficult, since she speaks very little English, and I almost no Russian. 

I find it a little interesting that you had such deep discussions with her knowing very little English.

I have a feeling you are not very happy with what you are hearing.  We are all just being honest with our real thoughts.  I don't think for one second that you will follow the advice you are getting here.  When you lose someone you have shared your life and had 4 kids with there is a big emptyness and it is easy to make a mistake.  She may be every bit as wonderful as you believe she is and you two may make a great couple and live happily ever after but you have a lot of life ahead and it is better to take your time and make sure you don't make a mistake that will be painful and expensive.

Personally, I don't think you need to be rich to be successful at this.  It is however important to be honest with her about your finances and important as well to make sure your feelings are real and not just doing something on the rebound that you will regret later.  As far as the costs, you can do the paperwork yourself so for the K-1 and AOS you are looking at about $ 1500.00 and 6-8 months waiting time.  Add in Airfare, medical exam for the visa and odds and ends and you are probably looking at 3 grand.  I believe that was your original question so now you have the answer to that.

I agree with everyone else.  Take some time, make another trip first.  I have to agree with Vaughn who posted as I was writing this.  What you say scares me too.  We are not telling you these things to be mean.  We are telling you because we want you to be happy and not to make a big mistake in your life.

[Chicagoguy]

Each poster here has his own true experiences and you should find something in each of them.

I want to speak about medical care. The $ 800 you save on child care will be eaten up for sure on decent medical insurance. I lost my longtime wife over 3 years ago and the bill was over $1,000,000. I had insurance. And when you bring someone over here to be your wife you will be on the hook for her medical expenses. Plus you just saw that tragedy's can occur. Life isn't fair.

Be careful.

[TomT]

The good news is that you have already achieved more that 95% of the men in this endeavor do simply by having made the trip. The bad news is that everything else is wrong. Fortunately (especially in your case), the long wait for K visas will give you a cooling-off period and an opportunity to learn more about each other before she arrives. You had damn well better start spending hours and hours on Skype so that you can get to the point where you can actually understand each other without having to draw pictures on napkins. 

[Jumper]

Hi Cat,
Condolences for your loss.

I  also lost my first wife when we had a very small child.I did not remarry for 7 years,
certainly the first year or two i was simply in no shape to do so.
while i may have had times that i felt i was fine , and certainly during that time i felt "ok" and capable of starting  a relationship..
looking back i was not in a position to make such choices for everyone involved,and glad I refrained.

The odds could not   have been more stacked against you going in...
A poor agency, a desperate time in your personal life,recently losing  a spouse with two younger children at home..two in college,,
and one of the bigger ones is  *going the agency route, because it is what you could afford*

whoa ,that one is odd.
(i'm sure you spent a bit on the agency communications before you got away from them, and on the trip
that alone is far more than going out locally.. or meeting a local woman's family)


If you take anything away from the advice here, make one thing certain,
This process is long term, more expensive than dating or marrying locally.
There are ways to reduce the cost and be frugal, but overall it is MORE time consuming ,and more expensive.
There are a lot of additional costs in relocating someone and their child to another country.
once here that doesn't change.

You need to support two college kids. yourself ,and two small children at home .
 If you marry locally the women might have a decent career or at least be on her own footing.
At the very least she wouldn't need a european vacation (flights) and Visa fees , both in this country and another) Theses are real costs that cannot be avoided, there are many others.

 Bringing a RW here , who also has a son (assume in college?) and a younger girl also?.
So you likely need to support them completely for some time.
 I'm not saying it cant be done , your RW is likely used to managing on  a budget..
and many immigrants to this country have started with less.
Many are frugal and can pinch a kopek with the best of them..

but you BOTH need to go in facing the sometimes harsh realities, not glossing over them..
 I do think you need to slow down,
You need to see her again, first trips often are the first blush, that is quite rosey,
it can continue!! ),  
 or it can quickly erode on a second meeting.
and if you havn't already,,
you need to go over in depth with her exactly your position, how things can actually be managed ,
lay out the budget, how it will work.
Also what you expect, and what she can expect life with you as a integrated family to be like.
There's a cultural divide as well financially..
and it's almost impossible to relay,or to know how the family dynamics might be,
but you need to be as clear as possible about everything. every detail you can think of.
Now is the time to discuss this .at lenght. I hope you both have.


 Having been marred to a RW  before that was very westernized(and in fact at the time i looked for that)
I can tell you she hit the ground  here as well established as possible!  Decent english, could drive on the
first day, and if she wanted could work  immediately, also a very outgoing and positive person,
and as no surprise, she adjusted quickly, but still it took time.More than you might think.
Everyone is different,but the adjustment period is real.
The costs are real. Prepare accordingly.

If you found a great woman, and she loves you,
(i'm not convinced either of you can know that yet,hence the more time needed and another trip or two)  
things can be worked through..lots of people work through much more difficult times daily..
Just be sure you both go in with eyes wide open,,and good fundamental understanding of the complete situation.
Neither of you are youngsters, so i'm sure you'll go over it all,and capable of making your own life choices with out us well intended peanut gallery..
and I do wish you Good luck!

[Cat]

Well I guess the misunderstanding is my fault.  I failed to make clear that we are no hurry.  Our next visit will be 4 months from now on our birthday.  We have made no additional plans past that.  Our hope is that several events converge a couple of years from now, the language barrier conquered, the elder children finish their schooling, child care expenses subside and of course the visa process completed. 

there is no point in commenting on all the posts other than to say some were useful and well articulated.  Incidentally I have attended and continue to attend grieving groups, although personally, I think it is a waste of time.  I do it more to help the children avoid repressing memories that will likely haunt them later in life.  As far as expensive mistakes go, LOL, please.  If this turns out to be a mistake, it will be by far my least expensive lesson.  (hopefully that statement does not result in a cascade of patronizing comments)

I still invite answers to my questions.  I am particularly interested in the time expectations on the long end.  And most important, if our medical insurance issues are cause for denial.

[Boethius]

If this turns out to be a mistake, it will be by far my least expensive lesson.

Perhaps for you.  Not necessarily so for your young children.

[ECOCKS]

The Feds aren't going to look at insurance or consider CHIP participation. The only thing of interest to them will be the financial affidavit information and whether you meet their income standards.

The costs are different for everyone but you need to consider direct cost/fees (airplane tix, filing fees, overnight packages, etc.) versus real costs (clothing, second car operation, lack of familiarity with culture, English lessons, schooling another child, etc.).

Your mind is mostly made up so rather than continue warnings, I'll merely say..Good Luck to you.

[Jumper]

Well I guess the misunderstanding is my fault.  I failed to make clear that we are no hurry.  Our next visit will be 4 months from now on our birthday.  We have made no additional plans past that.  Our hope is that several events converge a couple of years from now, the language barrier conquered, the elder children finish their schooling, child care expenses subside and of course the visa process completed. 

there is no point in commenting on all the posts other than to say some were useful and well articulated.  Incidentally I have attended and continue to attend grieving groups, although personally, I think it is a waste of time.  I do it more to help the children avoid repressing memories that will likely haunt them later in life.  As far as expensive mistakes go, LOL, please.  If this turns out to be a mistake, it will be by far my least expensive lesson.  (hopefully that statement does not result in a cascade of patronizing comments)

I still invite answers to my questions.  I am particularly interested in the time expectations on the long end.  And most important, if our medical insurance issues are cause for denial.

Certainly  a much slower and reasoned path  than it seemed initially to be ..
so my advise up thread is mute for sure ..


I'd have to say time expectations don't seem relevant if we are to take  " a couple of years from now" literally?

The visa process isn't that long , 6 months is likely average..for a K1.
and as ed mentioned the insurance isn't a requirement of the affidavit of support.
but you will need to meet the income requirements.

again.. Good luck

[BillyB]

Well I guess the misunderstanding is my fault.  I failed to make clear that we are no hurry.

Here's the problem with slowing down. If you're slowing down to get to know the lady better, that is a good thing. If you're slowing down to heal after losing your wife or for financial reasons, that is a bad thing. It's not fair to your RW. Who knows how long will it take to fully heal? It may not be much of a problem because sometimes the best way to foget a woman is with another woman. Who knows how long it will take till you're financially stable to the point in taking care of a RW and her kids without sacrificing what you're doing for your own kids? Years until your kids are out of college? If you're kids are screwing up their lives as you say and not getting good grades, pull them out of college for a while and make them work at McDonalds. After they get a better attitude and understand the value of college, then put them back in.

Tell your lady your financial situation just as you told us. Tell her sacrifices are going to have to be done for you and her to be together. Ideally you should ask her to work ASAP when she comes to America but that is not possible until she gets a grasp of the English language. Maybe you found a gem of a woman and she'll tell you what she's willing to do to make the relationship successful and family strong. Maybe she'll move in another direction in her life but give her the details and let her decide what she can and can't live with before you both put too much into this.

[Doll]

Cat, why FSU? Have you thought of looking for somebody in the USA? Why not?

[JohnDearGreen]

And when you bring someone over here to be your wife you will be on the hook for her medical expenses.

Why couldn't you get insurance for her? 
I think I got month-to-month high deductible insurance during the K1 3 month interval.
But too long ago to remember for sure.

[GQBlues]

...My case is exactly the reason why fees have increased.  I have a steady job, and my children receive survivor benefits, but they still need CHIP for medical care.  I have course, have none.

Unbelievable.

Listen, my sympathy for you losing your wife. But that sympathy ends there...

Everything else you can for all I care. Your kids are on tax-payer provided health insurance because YOU don't have the money to make proper provisions, YET, you have enough money to sign up on an agency and jet around the freakin' globe for a silly notion you want to add MORE people and responsibility into your sorry state. It's folks like you that drags this great nation of ours to the depths it's in.

"Now what?"

Get a 12-month subscription to Playboy to fix your lonely nights and use whatever money you have left to get yourself health insurance and properly take care of your kids.

My 14 year old nephew have more sense than you...

[facetrock]

  Well said GQ...

[GoodOlBoy]

Unbelievable.

I agree completely.

GOB

[Shadow]

Get the income needed, then get the K-1. In the mean time keep contact as you can, do not get over your head in to debts.
Make sure she understands that you are not a wealthy successful foreigner, and after she arrives she will not be getting a new car and all things she can point at.