questions from a newbie

[rhs]

Hi everyone, I'm new to the boards here and have a few questions.

I'm doing a lot of reading on the subject of seeking a partner from another country before I start the actual communication process with individual women as I've always felt that knowledge is power. And the more knowledge gained, the better an educated decision could be made.

How do Russian children relocating to another country adjust to the cultural differences, particularly the language as obviously they would need to learn the native language? Does this just tend to be a minor bump in the road or does this slow down the development of these kids making it dificult for them to achieve in school? Is there an age of a child that would not be recommended to uproot to another country?

Has anyone had experience with women falsifying their age with the agencies? Is this common practice? How would you verify a woman's age? The age range I would be interested in would be 35-40 and find that in the U.S. it is common practice that women shave 3-5 years off of their age when they find themselves back on the market looking for a partner.

Thank you in advance for any and all replies.

rhs

 

 

 

[ccarten]

Hi everyone, I'm new to the boards here and have a few questions.

I'm doing a lot of reading on the subject of seeking a partner from another country before I start the actual communication process with individual women as I've always felt that knowledge is power. And the more knowledge gained, the better an educated decision could be made.

How do Russian children relocating to another country adjust to the cultural differences, particularly the language as obviously they would need to learn the native language? Does this just tend to be a minor bump in the road or does this slow down the development of these kids making it dificult for them to achieve in school? Is there an age of a child that would not be recommended to uproot to another country?

Has anyone had experience with women falsifying their age with the agencies? Is this common practice? How would you verify a woman's age? The age range I would be interested in would be 35-40 and find that in the U.S. it is common practice that women shave 3-5 years off of their age when they find themselves back on the market looking for a partner.

Thank you in advance for any and all replies.

rhs

 

 

 

Hi RHS,

When I went to visit my wife for the first time in Kiev, her best friend was also looking.  She did shave 5 years off her age and I still don't know what age she really is, somewhere around 42 I think.

Concering bringing their children over, I know 3 AM/RW couples that have young teenage (13 yrs) daughters and all 3 of them seem to be having a rough time adjusting.  They all seem to be withdrawn and in their own little world.  Could it just be their age, I don't know. 

Also know other couples with younger and older kids, and they all seem to be doing great.  Learning the language doesn't seem to be an issue for any of the ones I know and none of them have fallen behind in school because of it.

Clay

[rhs]

Thank you Clay, points well taken, and congratulations for finding your special lady.

I can recall myself when my Dad came home from work one day when I was 15 and said that we were going to move (3000 miles away). I had a lot going for me at the time and resisted the relocation for over a year. I eventually adjusted, but I just can't imagine if there was a language barrier going on through that. It would probably require a very strong relationship between the mother and the kid(s).

That must be tough with those 13 year old girls. With girls it's all about relationships and bonding with friends. At that age and being only a couple of years from getting out of school, I wonder if it is better for the woman to wait to leave her country until then. There is probably pressure on her as she may feel that she is more desireable at a younger age and if she waited, her chances diminish. I guess it's a double-edged sword. The children resent the move for a while, but then over time they probably realize that it is a move for the better. It is a move of a lifetime and possibly for a lifetime.

rhs

 

[KenC]

rhs,

Welcome to RWD.

Although my wife didn't have children, I can share what I have learned from posters here over the years.  It seems that the younger the child the less problems there are in adjusting.  I have read where children have been placed in regular schools with just an additional language class and they seem to excel.  The Russian kids seem to have an advantage over their American peers because of the high quality of their Russian education.  This seems to be particularly true in math and science.  In any case, the kids seem to have an easier time adjusting than their Moms.

I haven't experienced any large scale mis-statements of ages or personal data by RW.  Maybe the data could be old information from when the woman joined the agency.  Agencies usually don't update information once it is posted.  It makes sense that some women might want to shave off a few years once their age enters a range where it might be a sensitive topic, but I don't think that it is wide spread or even typical.

KenC

[Wayne]

If a woman states her age as younger that it is on her profile, she probably is not really looking for a husband.  When you apply for a K-1 visa, you must submit a copy of the person's passport pages showing her birth date.  If you start writing to some woman and become interested in her, you can ask if she has an international passport and to email a copy of it.  You can verify all the passport information and photograph with her profile and whatever she tells you or photographs she emails to you.  You can do a search one various web servers and see if the woman has other profiles and if her information all matches.  Many sites automattically update the person's age as time proceeds.

[rhs]

Thank you Ken and Wayne. I appreciate the input.

That is good news about the high quality of education there, I didn't know that. And I wouldn't be surprised if the children take to a new language more rapidly than their mother (children tend to be quicker with a new language, computers, etc...) and are instrumental in helping her learn the new language.

That's reassuring about the passport info too, thanks.

I don't know if I could have a long distance communication with someone for months, or even longer as I read some of the posts here. I'm more inclined to go there, hire an interpreter (older female as I've read pros and cons of having a terp), spend two weeks to a month and meet women both through an agency and on the street. This way I figure I will know ahead of time if I am attracted to them, (and vice versa). We can then establish if future correspondence is desired. Maybe meet a dozen or so women (twenty would probably be better depending upon allotted time there), communicate for 6 months, narrowing it down to my favorites based on compatability, attraction, etc, and make arrangements to meet up with the ladies that want to meet again in 6 months.

I'm just not one to communicate with multiple women long distance like that sight unseen other than a picture. Too much potential for unreasonable expectations. I need to look into their eyes and read their body language during the first face to face meeting. I need to get a sense of some kind of chemistry, before pouring my heart out long distance without meeting face to face. The other approach may work for some and I respect their courage dedication to that but I need the eye contact and some initial chemistry first. Keep in mind that I'm more introverted than extroverted but can hold my own in a one-on-one conversation with a stranger. One of my strengths is that I'm a great listener so I should learn a lot about the ladies with the help of the interpreter. And of course I will have a great introduction letter about myself, my interests, my living environment, etc...

Is this approach realistic?

Also, would it be appropriate to tape record the conversation between the three of us? I can then review later. Or would that be a bit cheesy?

Any thoughts, suggestions, or critique is welcomed.

rhs

 

[KenC]

rhs,

You seem to have your head on straight from what you have written.  Why don't you limit yourself to RW that have at least some English skills, there by limiting the use or need for an interpretor all together?  Just a thought.

Your thoughts of successfully juggling 20 women might be a bit of wishful thinking though.  Meeting that many is very doable, but to have on going interaction (in a short period of time) might prove to be too mind boggeling.  I once met a guy that was meeting 3 or 4 women a day.  After 3 full days, he didn't know his Olga from his elbow!

My thoughts on writing ahead of time is to limit it to a few months before your trip is planned and to use it to refine your list of women you will spend your time meeting once you arrive.  Anything more than that, you run into the postential problem of over fantasizing and falling in love with a photo.

Read everything you can on this forum to get the best feel for your up coming adventure.  Start with groovlsck's post in "political and Cultural" titled "Facinating excerpts from the Exile" as it gives you a good insight to the differences in RW that you will experience on your future trip.  Good luck.

KenC

[rhs]

Excellent idea about English Ken. If non-face to face correspondence, then I would hope that there wouldn't be too much disparity between the lady's idea of good, fair or fluent English and my idea of the same. As in a job resume, the tendency is to embellish, and it is to be expected, but hopefully it is not to the extreme. 

From what I've read so far, it seems that the more sophisticated (and more inclined to speak at least fair-good English) RW lives in larger cities. Please correct me if that's a wrong assumption. At this time I'm thinking that I may be more apt to pursue ladies in a smaller city/town. I realize that these may typically not speak much (if any) English. I'd probably prefer more of a "country girl at heart" as even though I live in suburbia (one hour from a large city), I am a "country boy" at heart.

Yes, an adventure indeed!

rhs

[KenC]

rhs,

Any amount of English will be a plus in the relationship.  Don't worry about living in the burbs, RW think it is a village any way.  If it aint got tall buildings and mass transit, it's a village!

KenC

[BC]

As far as kids go the younger they are the quicker/easier they will adjust and learn the language. Under 10 is the best imho.  Remember many of these kids are coming from broken homes and may need some special attention down the road. 

Take extra time to get involved with her children and watch how they interact with others.   If you have children of your own  expect additional hurdles with jealousy, differing rearing styles and my kid/your kid problems.  It can get quite tricky at times and will place additional stress on your relationship so be ready for it.

Don't underestimate the additional financial and time overhead with kids.. It's not as simple as calculating an extra plate at the dinner table..  Picture yourself at work getting a call from your wife that doesn't have a drivers licence yet saying that the school called, jr. is sick and needs to be picked up right away, needs to see a doctor within the hour, mother in law insists on a special concoction of medicine your pharmacist never heard of .. and by the way the air conditioning went on the blink and jr. will need cool air..  all right in the middle of a crucial business meeting that took you three months to set up, attendees who travelled thousands of miles with a plane to catch in just a few hours... and NO she does not understand.

Yepper..

[rhs]

Thanks Ken for the recommendation:  "Start with groovlsck's post in "political and Cultural" titled "Facinating excerpts from the Exile" as it gives you a good insight to the differences in RW that you will experience on your future trip." 

Yes BC, lots to consider when children are involved. 

Thanks much for everyone's input.

rhs

[al-c]

It's great that you can spend all of that time there.  I don't have that luxury.  I am just a simple blue collar worker who gets 2 weeks of vacation each year.  So one trip, and that's it until next year.

You do whatever works for you.  As for me, I cannot possibly connect with more than one woman at a time.  I write to a few at once in the beginning, but eventually all but one drop off.  And the one left standing is the one I see.

As for the child adjusting, school is the least of the problems.  Russian education is so advanced that if the child loses some education time here to learn the language, he or she will still be ahead of the rest of the class.  Olga's son is 13 and studying physics and calculus, subjects I took in high school.  And he speaks fluent English, also taught to him in Russian public school.  Now he is studying French.

I would expect social adjustment, especially from the homogenous Russian student body to the ethnically diverse U.S. student body to be the big problem.

 

[Charles]

With respect to children adjusting, I strongly agree with the comments made by KenC and others that  the younger, the better.   But don't assume that because there is good education in Russia that an older child will adjust to life in America.  Where I am from we have a fairly large Russian community, and I would say that conservatively 70% of the children 13 and over have real problems adjusting, and, while marriage is wonderful, my stepson is an absolute disaster despite a huge investment of time and effort by his mother and me.   So with respect to children in the early teens or older, you should tread very cautiously.  I would say that learning English is typically not a problem, rather you must deal with potential jealousy, homesickness (for boys they are coming from a candy store as far as girls go to a more competitive environment), and, in many cases, the lack of a father figure or male role model.

[al-c]

LACK of a father figure or male role mode?  You mean in Russia, right?  The son of my Russian wife will have a father figure here, and a very active and involved one at that, otherwise known as me.

 
The girl issue is a good point that I never really thought of.  After all I would be taking the boy away from the very environment I am going to in order to find my wife, Russia, and I would be putting him in the very environment that I gave up on years ago for a wife, the USA.

 

[rhs]

Thanks Charles and al-c. Good points.

Sorry to hear about your stepson Charles. I'm sure you're doing all you can and hopefully he'll come around. Who knows, after he finishes up with his education here he may go back to his homeland and become a very successful businessman or something. And you know how that goes, parents tend to receive appreciation from their kids later rather than while they're kids. That seems to hold especially true with teens.

rhs

[al-c]

As someone who has been there and done that, I can tell you that the only reward you will ever get from raising teens is to see them grow up to be successful and responsible adults.  With that in mind, I can safely say that I got my reward from the children I raised from my AW, and those children, now adults, owe me nothing.

You can turn your teen stepson around.  My AW's teens were disruptive and failing in school when we met, and I turned them around.  Have patience with him and remember that seemingly malevolent conduct is his way of telling you that he needs something.  Find out what it is and get if for him.  Also notice I usd the word need and not the word want.  As his step parent, you have to get him what he needs, but as for his wants, you adjudicate them and decide which ones will be fulfilled.  Attending to all of his wants is just as destrucitve as failing to attend to all of his needs.

 

[rhs]

Very well said al-c.

rhs