Realistic Expectations

[Jumper]

 
Hold on a second, and what do you call  3 years in Auburn, AL? following by 3 in Panama City, FL??? Pleasure trips? 

I'd call them a taste of reality?
When knowingly marrying a man that lives and enjoys living in smaller cities or even rural areas..
but then what do i know ..
 
 
 

[Donna_Pedro]

Just a side note, I absolutely agree with you and share your point of view on the issue.
Just wanted to ask - whats so wrong with Panama City(was considering moving there)

Its a hole in the wall. They are slowly starting to improve, especially in PCBeach, but there is nothing good there, no life. Its boring, old, shabby, classless. Nowhere to go, notghing to do.  But If you ever decide to go anyway, I still have an upsidedown house there i need to sell . 

[Donna_Pedro]

I'd call them a taste of reality?
When knowingly marrying a man that lives and enjoys living in smaller cities or even rural areas..
but then what do i know ..

It had nothing to do with "enjoys". So yes, you do not know what you are talking about.

[Jumper]

 

A friend of mine happily married 10 years to a RW thinks we men should vet our women as far as their finances. That is they, the RW, should have a higher education, a stable career, come from a loving family, have a decent paid for apartment and drive their own paid for car.

Maxx-That's what I was saying earlier..
that peoople domestically generally match within the same socio-ecomomic levels..
international dating not so much.
If Cinderalla wants a top 10% Prince Charming driving a white mercedes(or bentley),
its fine of course ! but its just  a lot more realistic if she has a white collar profession and education, as well as her own ways and means.
 
but with AL Gore's invention of the internet, there's just no good  reason to have realistic expectations.
 
 


 

[Jumper]

 

I'd call them a taste of reality?
When knowingly marrying a man that lives and enjoys living in smaller cities or even rural areas..
but then what do i know ..

It had nothing to do with "enjoys". So yes, you do not know what you are talking about.

LOL DP.
 
ok jurors , please retract my last statement, I'll rephrase.
 
**
I'd call them a taste of reality?
When knowingly marrying a man that lives in smaller cities or even rural areas..
**
 
 
 

[jeff9556]

and you (not just you, but you too) keep reacting to my posts over and over.. I was not the only one who created 13 pages worth of posts in this thread, was I? Its as simple here as it is in real life - if a person's opinion bothers you, step aside and dont listen. But if you do listen and react, take it like an adult, do not complain when it hurts "down your throat".

Your opinion regarding motivations or prerequisites for marriage does not bother me. We're all entitled to our reifications.

[Donna_Pedro]

1. I recognize the pragmatic fundamentals in the MOB *scene* you refer to and defend.

OK.
 
 

2. I feel you ignore both opinions and facts,  if they don't fit your black/white perceptions.

Opinions be damned. Look at facts. You can not ignore the fact that a lot of people who (both on RWG and RWD) back years ago stated that there were married for love... are already divorced. Or ended the process without marrying. Only 2-3-4 of us, or so,  have survived past 7 years. What do you do at work when your results are consistently poor? You change approach. (Well, some would insist on walking into the walls over and over again, but I mean if you really think about it)  .  Thats what I am talking about here. Nobody is foolish enough to copy my advice verbatim, but may be one or two people would change their priorities from "love" to more realistic approach.

[jeff9556]

Opinions be damned. Look at facts. You can not ignore the fact that a lot of people who (both on RWG and RWD) back years ago stated that there were married for love... are already divorced. Or ended the process without marrying. Only 2-3-4 of us, or so,  have survived past 7 years. What do you do at work when your results are consistently poor? You change approach. (Well, some would insist on walking into the walls over and over again, but I mean if you really think about it)  .  Thats what I am talking about here. Nobody is foolish enough to copy my advice verbatim, but may be one or two people would change their priorities from "love" to more realistic approach.

Donna, this is not a fact, its an anecdote. A fact has supporting data. Even if you could derive some data the sample is very small. It does not prove anything.

[Patagonie]

Blank. sorry not the good post.
 

[Jumper]

 
Opinions be damned.
 Look at facts. You can not ignore the fact that a lot of people who (both on RWG and RWD) back years ago stated that there were married for love... are already divorced. Or ended the process without marrying. Only 2-3-4 of us, or so,  have survived past 7 years. What do you do at work when your results are consistently poor? You change approach. (Well, some would insist on walking into the walls over and over again, but I mean if you really think about it)  .  Thats what I am talking about here. Nobody is foolish enough to copy my advice verbatim, but may be one or two people would change their priorities from "love" to more realistic approach.

Actually the data on married members here show western men far above average means.
 
Fact:  being pragmatic,on the womans part, would not have  helped a bit in the small sample group you refer to here (or RWG)
 
 
Pure Speculation : Other factors were far more important than the lifestyle or income.
 
 
Noone is suggesting a FSU woman relocate to marry  a pauper,or ignoring the fact that stabilty for a family is an important part of the decision for a woman when considering marriage.
 
 

[OlgaH]

Nobody is foolish enough to copy my advice verbatim, but may be one or two people would change their priorities from "love" to more realistic approach.

Everybody has his/her understanding of realistic approach. Yes, some people confuse love with  infatuation. In reality love is not something romantic 

Personally, I'm a woman who doesn't need a man just for providing her with a better and secure life. I'm able to take care of myself. I don't need a man in my life whose opinion I don't value and I don't give a sh!t what he thinks. I need a man whose opinion is valuable to me and I'm interested in what he thinks and I would expect the same thing from him. I don't need a man who I would want to throw from his pedestal, I need a man who would be with me on the same pedestal made of mutual shared system of values. I prefer realism, and a real life is not just all beer and skittles and if you want to have a better life, you have to do your best and without stepping over elementary human ethics, the same understanding I need from a man. Looking with all my realism on life I understand that there can be a troublesome time and difficulties, but there are always perspectives, opportunities and possibilities to overcome it, the same understanding I need from a man.  And a man who shares the same values as my values is worthy of my love, I would not be afraid to start a new life with him and  go through the difficult time having faith in him. 

Love and faith in each other is based on the truth and a simple understanding "nobody is perfect." A small lie will lead to a bigger lie and the catastrophic derailing happens.

And that's my realistic approach in finding my life partner 

[BC]

Two years ago, my parents celebrated their 50'th anniversary.

They surpassed any expectations of such a long relationship.  Was it love at first sight? Infatuation?

In those times it may have even been from necessity.

And all that seems to encompass any and most of the theory being passed around in this thread.

Whatever it was, it lasted quite well and I can assure all they are quite happy together even today.

I can't even begin to add up to half those years with three marriages.

But I do know that I have been married the longest with my current wife, in a few months reaching the 10 year mark for whatever that is worth.

Maybe Donna is right, fairytales are fairytales.

Nothing wrong with that, but in the end whatever works for you is quite ok.

[Donna_Pedro]

Fact:  being pragmatic,on the womans part, would not have  helped a bit in the small sample group you refer to here (or RWG)
 

Thats an opinion. Not a fact. Yes, other factors might influence as well, I do not argue this point,  but I brought out the one, I considered important and very overlooked by people chasing for "love". I have been on this board long enough to know what I am talking about.

[Simoni]

 Only 2-3-4 of us, or so,  have survived past 7 years. What do you do at work when your results are consistently poor? You change approach.

What???


Not fact at all.  Where did you get this figure?   For us, going on 7 years.


I have been at RWD since it started, and this is online club is a small sample.  But even here I can name more than ten couples with marriages past your quote.


In addition, we have a dozen AM/RW couples friends and all are past 7 years of marriage. And yes, love keeps us together :-)

[Daveman]

Still a very informative thread, personal attacks aside...


Marriage is a contract, or as stated so eloquently before, a container.  Nothing more nor less.  It's interesting to read the opinions of what various individuals opine/feel should be placed inside the container.  All are correct as the definitions correlate precisely to individual values.  We are often confusing "marriage" with "relationship" and then we are defining "relationship" within a narrow scope of personal beliefs and values.  Even "love" is extremely difficult to define in meaningful terms for purposes of debate.


What anyone reading should be taking from this thread is simply this -- individuals vary and often and to wider margins than we as individuals feel comfortable with or tolerable of -- so in the big picture, does it matter if someone else is happy or miserable or anywhere in between?  Find someone with the *same* value system, beliefs, etc, as yourself.  I have little doubt that DP speaks the absolute truth when she says she's in a great relationship and is quite happy.  I have little doubt that Misha, Ade, Kuna, Jumper, OlgaH, BC, Ed, et al can state the same. 


So what make a relationship "great" and what makes one "bad"?  ...  Obviously there are *many* pieces to the happiness/longevity  puzzle. This thread perhaps offers varying opinions of "money", however I'd say it isn't really about money but more about a larger picture -- what it shows is the absolutely importance of compatible attitudes...

[OlgaH]

Thats an opinion. Not a fact. Yes, other factors might influence as well, I do not argue this point,  but I brought out the one, I considered important and very overlooked by people chasing for "love". I have been on this board long enough to know what I am talking about.

and there enough cases when the people chasing for "love" simply lie not only each other but themselves like Pierre from "War and Piece" you mentioned before

"Why did I bind myself to her? Why did I say 'Je vous aime'* to her, which was a lie, and worse than a lie?"   

Yeah, met on a dating website. He loved her hot body, she loved his house and the idea of relocating abroad. After her GC divorce suddenly happened. She cries on Russian speaking forums, he cries you know where 

[OlgaH]

This thread perhaps offers varying opinions of "money", however I'd say it isn't really about money but more about a larger picture -- what it shows is the absolutely importance of compatible attitudes...

Absolutely agree.

[Donna_Pedro]

I don't need a man who I would want to throw from his pedestal, I need a man who would be with me on the same pedestal made of mutual shared system of values.

 
This is pathetic. And I hate pathetic. Like is simple. You work, pay your bills, consume goods, enjoy your spare time, overcome bad times. All you need for it is money and a person with the same values to share it all with. Take one of the two away and life becomes grey and boring.

[OlgaH]

 
This is pathetic. And I hate pathetic. Like is simple. You work, pay your bills, consume goods, enjoy your spare time, overcome bad times. All you need for it is money and a person with the same values to share it all with. Take one of the two away and life becomes grey and boring.

We have difference in opinions as you noticed.  I find a loveless marriage of convenience to be pathetic and sign of desperation. 

As I already said what I need in my life a man  I'm ready to share my life with with all good and, God forbid, bad time.      Деньги - это дело наживное 

[Donna_Pedro]

and there enough cases when the people chasing for "love" simply lie not only each other but themselves like Pierre from "War and Piece" you mentioned before

See, a mere shadow of love, is capable to screw a person up so badly he didnt know what he was saying or doing.   

[OlgaH]

See, a mere shadow of love, is capable to screw a person up so badly he didnt know what he was saying or doing. 

would be more correct to say " infatuation" and lies 

[pitbull]

 
 Like is simple. You work, pay your bills, consume goods, enjoy your spare time, overcome bad times. All you need for it is money and a person with the same values to share it all with. Take one of the two away and life becomes grey and boring.

DP, your posts would look so much better if you qualified your statements on life, marriage etc with "In my opinion", or "For Me", or some such. Because so far they look as pathetic attempts to attack those who don't want to live their lives quite as primitively, and prefer to enrich it by including love as a prerequisite for marriage.

BTW, the RW who stated in this very topic that they won't enter a loveless marriage, didn't exactly marry paupers either. Or do I sense a note of jealousy to those RW who managed to marry successful men that they loved?  Some do get it all, life is unfair 

[Donna_Pedro]

    Деньги - это дело наживное 

In my situation quite the opposite. Love  eventually has developed,  but at least it was built on a proper (for me) foundation. Of course I prefer to have this (love) cherry on my cake, I do not deny it, but the cake was so good overall that I would be fully content to consume it without a cherry. 

[Donna_Pedro]

Because so far they look as pathetic attempts to attack
 I sense a note of jealousy to those RW who managed to marry successful men that they loved?  Some do get it all, life is unfair 

I am not arguing with fruits of your imagination. You dont need me to interfere in this conversation with yourself. By all means, do not stop, its funny to watch.. 
 
 
 

[OlgaH]

In my situation quite the opposite. Love  eventually has developed,  but at least it was built on a proper (for me) foundation. Of course I prefer to have this (love) cherry on my cake, I do not deny it, but the cake was so good overall that I would be fully content to consume it without a cherry. 

Congratulations on your love development 

In my situation I married a man I love and we eat our  cherry cake  together