Divorced RW experience of dating in the US.

[GQBlues]

A funny thing happened surfing the 'net this morning....

There's a woman living in the US asking/getting dating tips from men who couldn't get attention, much less dates, themselves.

The internet: Making it possible for anyone to become anything they've always wanted to be...and more!

Here's to wearing sunglasses at night. 


 

[Faux Pas]

A funny thing happened surfing the 'net this morning....

There's a woman living in the US asking/getting dating tips from men who couldn't get attention, much less dates, themselves.

The internet: Making it possible for anyone to become anything they've always wanted to be...and more!

Here's to wearing sunglasses at night. 


 

 

Quite rich sometimes isn't it? 

[vwrw]

Wise words, perhaps, but the membership here is extremely widespread.  Vasilisa lives in Texas, but many of us do not even live in the USA.  She could, for example, send links to myself, Chivo, Possum and Patagonie (all single and highly unlikely to end up anywhere near where she lives), or to married members such as I/O and Kuna in Australia, or Gylden in Norway.  Hopefully at least one could make sensible suggestions about how to improve the profile.  I'm sure that even some of the married/committed RW/UW (e.g. mies, Avis, Pitbull) would also have worthwhile suggestions - they know what worked for themselves!

One of marketing principles is that your marketing strategy should fit the tastes of the targeted buyers. In other words, only opinions of representatives of the the social layer that the OP is interested in matter. Likes and dislikes of others guys are irrelevant. Therefore, those willing to be evaluaters of Vasilisa"s profile, first need to disclose their education level, their interests  and submit their pictures so that she could see for herself if their sophistication level is appropriate. Those info would help her determine whether an opinion should be heeded.

The same about women's advices. The strategies that work for beautiful women might be unsuitable for the average women or/and ugly ones. Therefore, the OP might need to know the attractiveness league of a female adviser, among other factors,  to assess the probability that a tactic would work for her. 

Another thing is that women deffer in the degree they can tolerate romanticism. For example,  I would  quickly lose interest in a guy that admires my eyes instead of   following the line of conversation that the OP described in her post on the first page. ( the guy was discussing leadership tactics in his introductory email). My "allure  tactics" work well with this kind of guys, and I easily connect with management people and lawers. By contract, the OP seems to be discouraged by  the line of conversation i prefer. Therefore, my tactics unlikely will work for her.

[vwrw]

Vasilisa, somewhere in this thread you mentioned you are very much Russian and some Russians, who are not americanized, have tendency to distinguish themselves with a wild makeup.  And from my observations, red lipstick and excesses of makeup scare the sophisticated American men into escape in no time.

Here is example of makeup don'ts. The women on the picture is attractive, yet her makeup is excessive and discouraging.   

http://www.elenasmodels.com/index.php?ap=8908935

[vwrw]

A women needs to look like this lady to attract the  sophisticated American men. Although i would change her lipstick color to something more natural. 




http://www.russianwomendiscussion.com/index.php?action=gallery;sa=view;pic=68

[OlgaH]

What can I say.. I am being written to a lot. The only thing is that the people that I like and have a lot  in common with (interests, goals, values, point of view, I love the  pictures, etc) are normally in the "high income" group: executives, medical doctors, lawyers. I am simply ashamed of writing to them.

Vasilisa, due to our business our professional circles and circles of acquaintance are usually lawyers and doctors, and for 6 years I have made some observations. Not all lawyers and doctors are in high income group and many of them try their best to make both ends meet. I have witnessed how some lawyers and doctors had to close their own practices due to different circumstances and how some lawyers and doctors struggle to find a job. There are enough closet alcoholics and drug addicts among lawyers and doctors too, so their associations run different rehabilitation programs for them. There also are enough people with different mental disorders, behavior deviations and just simply weirdos among them. The most successful and normal lawyers and doctors are usually married, who are not married are looking for a professional self-sufficient partner, and  usually they don't need a help of internet dating as they have a good choice in real dating. But of course there is always an exception  so good luck to you  just be careful and don't rely to much on the words in profiles.

[Anotherkiwi]

One of marketing principles is that your marketing strategy should fit the tastes of the targeted buyers. In other words, only opinions of representatives of the the social layer that the OP is interested in matter. Likes and dislikes of others guys are irrelevant. Therefore, those willing to be evaluaters of Vasilisa"s profile, first need to disclose their education level, their interests  and submit their pictures so that she could see for herself if their sophistication level is appropriate. Those info would help her determine whether an opinion should be heeded...

Ouch!  Let's see...I've been to university, I'm interested in lots of things and can talk fairly knowledgably about most of them (although I get totally lost when mies starts talking engineering  ) and I don't look like the back end of a bus - is that good enough???     To be fair, though, we are probably both somewhat outside the age group that the other is looking for.  However, that's one reason why I thought that a neutral observer such as myself MAY be able to help!
 

The same about women's advices. The strategies that work for beautiful women might be unsuitable for the average women or/and ugly ones. Therefore, the OP might need to know the attractiveness league of a female adviser, among other factors,  to assess the probability that a tactic would work for her.

We already know that she's beautiful - she reckoned that she was better looking than the woman in the photo with a nice white blouse and blue jeans that we saw earlier in this discussion.  Therefore tactics (in general, anyway) are probably best discussed by you, mies, GQBlues' wife and Traveler's "dhrw"    who are all in her approximate age group (with apologies to all the other anonymous smokinhotkovas who are members here, or married to members!).

[Vasilisa]

Vasilisa, somewhere in this thread you mentioned you are very much Russian and some Russians, who are not americanized, have tendency to distinguish themselves with a wild makeup.  And from my observations, red lipstick and excesses of makeup scare the sophisticated American men into escape in no time.

Here is example of makeup don'ts. The women on the picture is attractive, yet her makeup is excessive and discouraging.   

http://www.elenasmodels.com/index.php?ap=8908935

Hahaha, no, I don't look like that:)
I have a romantic, quite natural look, long hair, etc. If I wear dresses they are down the knee lengh or a little longer:either country romantic style or business style. I can wear short shorts though :PI also have a baby face, so such lipstick doesn't look good on me.

[Vasilisa]

If you do date a man with kids,, Ask about his custody arrangements.

That can tell you a lot... I don't have much respect when men don't see their kids.
Some times their are reason, Like people moving, or even state laws.

NYS, has equal rights for both mother and father.
I understand not all states are like that though.

He sees his kids often, for example on Friday he is taking them to spend the weekend with him and his relatives in another city.
But he was the one who filed the divorce and he said that his wife wants him back and is using the kids for that.

[Misha]

The strategies that work for beautiful women might be unsuitable for the average women or/and ugly ones.

That pretty much sums it up 

[OlgaH]

You can find some interesting articles on red lipstick

research has reasserted a strong link between males' perceptions of female attractiveness and red lipstick. Specifically, men are not only most drawn to a woman's lips, but, they spend the most time (7.3 seconds) fixated on a woman's lips when she is wearing red lipstick (as reported by the Daily Mail). Other research has similarly asserted perception of power is related to lipstick, again with red in particular. So if you can withstand the added attention: Go red and wear it well.

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-first-impression/201201/the-power-red-lipstick

Romantic Red: Red Enhances Men’s Attraction to Women
http://www.psych.rochester.edu/faculty/elliot/documents/ElliotNiesta_RomanticRed.2008.pdf

What's Hot Now: The Perfect Red Lips
Vincent Longo shares his favorite trend from this season's red carpet: the perfect red lipstick.
By Vincent Longo
http://www.dailyglow.com/make-up/the-perfect-red-lip.html

Red lipstick is classic, elegant, versatile. And with these guidelines, everyone (yes, that means you) can wear it. by Jolene Edgar
http://www.realsimple.com/beauty-fashion/makeup/lips/easy-tips-wearing-red-lipstick-10000001635060/index.html

[Gator]

Vasilisa,
 
Good to learn your date went well.  Please keep this in mind - it was just a date.  have more dates, with this man and other men.
 
The RW I dated (probably older than you) tended to have the same philosophy about dating.  If they dated someone  they liked, they would date the sane man again and again and not date other men.  The RW would stop dating the man only if the man proved lacking, and that would end the relationship permanently.   
 
In America, most people seemingly avoid becoming so dedicated at first.  There are exceptions - one of my best friends went to a woman's house for a pasta dinner as a first date, and he never left.  They have been married for over 20 years.

[vwrw]

In America, most people seemingly avoid becoming so dedicated at first. 

Intersting! Gator, do you have any guess as of why they avoid becoming  dedicated at first?

[vwrw]

Ouch!  Let's see...I've been to university, I'm interested in lots of things and can talk fairly knowledgably about most of them (although I get totally lost when mies starts talking engineering  ) and I don't look like the back end of a bus - is that good enough???     To be fair, though, we are probably both somewhat outside the age group that the other is looking for.  However, that's one reason why I thought that a neutral observer such as myself MAY be able to help!
 
We already know that she's beautiful - she reckoned that she was better looking than the woman in the photo with a nice white blouse and blue jeans that we saw earlier in this discussion.  Therefore tactics (in general, anyway) are probably best discussed by you, mies, GQBlues' wife and Traveler's "dhrw"    who are all in her approximate age group (with apologies to all the other anonymous smokinhotkovas who are members here, or married to members!).

It just occurred to me that Vasilisa has shown many signs of a typical woman in the sense that sharing info, she hopes to get sympathy and compassion as a response. Statements like"Oh, we understand how awful that was walking hungry and tired under the rain" or "Oh, we understand how awful it feels when people do not respond to your contact initiation. She hoped to hear something like that. We, however, being mostly a "body" of males and atypically thinking females who are solutio- directed in communication misunderstood Vasilisa"s reason for sharing info with us. Our advices may appear as patronizing and thus annoying acts to her. At least, women complaining that they get advices and solutions instead of compassions often feel so.

[Faux Pas]

It just occurred to me that Vasilisa has shown many signs of a typical woman in the sense that sharing info, she hopes to get sympathy and compassion as a response. Statements like"Oh, we understand how awful that was walking hungry and tired under the rain" or "Oh, we understand how awful it feels when people do not respond to your contact initiation. She hoped to hear something like that. We, however, being mostly a "body" of males and atypically thinking females who are solutio- directed in communication misunderstood Vasilisa"s reason for sharing info with us. Our advices may appear as patronizing and thus annoying acts to her. At least, women complaining that they get advices and solutions instead of compassions often feel so.

Wow! And you came to this conclusion how exactly? I took her questions as honest, open and likely borne out of frustration from her lack of received response to her profiles and/or lack of dating partners. Why does there "have" to be some other deep rooted meaning?

[vwrw]

Wow! And you came to this conclusion how exactly? I took her questions as honest, open and likely borne out of frustration from her lack of received response to her profiles and/or lack of dating partners. Why does there "have" to be some other deep rooted meaning?

So did I. I think her questions are honest, open and likely borne out of frustration from her lack of received response to her profiles.
 
Faux Pas, do not take my next words as rudeness, I do not mean to be rude, but explaining how i come to my conclusion would take more time that i wish to spend. Therefore, take it or leave it as it is. I am not going to persuade you one way or another.

[Faux Pas]

So did I. I think her questions are honest, open and likely borne out of frustration from her lack of received response to her profiles.
 
Faux Pas, do not take my next words as rudeness, I do not mean to be rude, but explaining how i come to my conclusion would take more time that i wish to spend. Therefore, take it or leave it as it is. I am not going to persuade you one way or another.

I'm not busting your chops here vwrw and I am not accusing you of anything. I would like to know how you came to that conclusion. If take it or leave it is my only options, I'll leave it.

I find Vasilisa's questions and POV refreshing and without ulterior motive. You made the statement that she is looking to sap sympathy, I do not see that at all. You can explain or retract the statement or leave it I suppose and doing an injustice to Vasilisa. Your choice.

[vwrw]

FP,
 It seems that the word – sympathy – carries deferent connotations for me and you. For me, looking for sympathy is a looking for understanding of your feelings in a situation. Most of women that I know do it regularly.  Receiving sympathy is a therapeutic process to them.   They will share their experience, while the listeners need to imagine themselves in the women’s shoes  and verbalize their understanding of the emotions that the women are likely to feel in experiencing the situation.  Most men and some women (like me) do not understand this ritual well.   This ritual has nothing to do with dishonesty or pretension because the women share their true feelings.

I certainly did not intend to do injustice to the OP by my post. I just wanted to refocus some participants (including myself) from giving advices to Vasilisa on how to fix her situation to giving her moral support.

[Gator]

Intersting! Gator, do you have any guess as of why they avoid becoming  dedicated at first?

Why do men avoid `early commitment?  Must be many, many different and independent reasons.

Unless he felt struck by lightning, maybe he has other women on his mind, or at least the thought that maybe there is something better.   Maybe he has revealed his positive feelings in the past only to be trampled upon.   Maybe he has some unsorted baggage (such as a recent divorce in the OP's date).  Maybe his work and other parts of his life are too demanding.  Maybe  he is egotistical and is in it just for the sex and likes a variety of sex partners. Maybe he feels that relationships never work out and take too much energy.   

[vwrw]

Why do men avoid `early commitment?  Must be many, many different and independent reasons.

Unless he felt struck by lightning, maybe he has other women on his mind, or at least the thought that maybe there is something better.   Maybe he has revealed his positive feelings in the past only to be trampled upon.   Maybe he has some unsorted baggage (such as a recent divorce in the OP's date).  Maybe his work and other parts of his life are too demanding.  Maybe  he is egotistical and is in it just for the sex and likes a variety of sex partners. Maybe he feels that relationships never work out and take too much energy.

Gator, thank you for your response. Indeed, many reasons may prevent a man from dedication to a woman at the very beginning.  Yet, my question was rather concerning women. You contrasted RW who have tendency to date one man until he proves to lack something against American people who tend to avoid exclusiveness at first.  I believe RW prefer to date one man at a time because they want to avoid being seen as a slut. Aren't American women concerned that they will be seen in a bad light if they date a few guy? When people date, do they have sexual intercourse or they are only interested in each other sexually?

[GQBlues]

One of marketing principles is that your marketing strategy should fit the tastes of the targeted buyers. In other words, only opinions of representatives of the the social layer that the OP is interested in matter. Likes and dislikes of others guys are irrelevant. Therefore, those willing to be evaluaters of Vasilisa"s profile, first need to disclose their education level, their interests  and submit their pictures so that she could see for herself if their sophistication level is appropriate.    Those info would help her determine whether an opinion should be heeded....

It seems that the word – sympathy – carries deferent connotations for me and you. For me, looking for sympathy is a looking for understanding of your feelings in a situation. Most of women that I know do it regularly.  Receiving sympathy is a therapeutic process to them.   They will share their experience, while the listeners need to imagine themselves in the women’s shoes  and verbalize their understanding of the emotions that the women are likely to feel in experiencing the situation.  Most men and some women (like me) do not understand this ritual well.   This ritual has nothing to do with dishonesty or pretension because the women share their true feelings....

I believe 'empathy' will be a better word to use vwrw...

...do you have any guess as of why they avoid becoming  dedicated at first?...

Most US men have so many other things to occupy them by when they reach ample age of marriage e.g. careers, school, business, recreational activities, hobbies, etc...in, out and around, on or about, with, for, by and without women, the chase, the games...

At least that's true for *most* big city men.

Smalltown boy is far more likely to get hitched at the same relative age for no other reason there's not much to do and occupy themselves with other than farm, happy cows, hot dog-eating contests, shooting helpless animals, drinking beers with their buddies, or alone, while watching their DVD collection of 'Girls Gone Wild', and of course their high school sweetheart.

[Faux Pas]

FP,
 It seems that the word – sympathy – carries deferent connotations for me and you. For me, looking for sympathy is a looking for understanding of your feelings in a situation. Most of women that I know do it regularly.  Receiving sympathy is a therapeutic process to them.   They will share their experience, while the listeners need to imagine themselves in the women’s shoes  and verbalize their understanding of the emotions that the women are likely to feel in experiencing the situation.  Most men and some women (like me) do not understand this ritual well.   This ritual has nothing to do with dishonesty or pretension because the women share their true feelings.

I certainly did not intend to do injustice to the OP by my post. I just wanted to refocus some participants (including myself) from giving advices to Vasilisa on how to fix her situation to giving her moral support.

Thank you and I see your position better. I agree with GQ as empathy is probably a better description. I've known a number of people through the years that seem to go to extraordinary lengths for other's sympathy. I find this annoying and a bad character trait. An example is when one asks "how are you doing?" The reply is doom and gloom, usually an in-depth rant on personal problems financial or health. These people are downers and I usually exit as soon as possible without being rude. I worked in an office once that had several of the people. Almost as if it was a prerequisite of working there. I termed them "sympathy queers". Their day just wasn't complete until somebody was feeling sorry for them. 

[Misha]

I termed them "sympathy queers". Their day just wasn't complete until somebody was feeling sorry for them. 

They are true emotional vampires 

[Darth_Budda]

Intersting! Gator, do you have any guess as of why they avoid becoming  dedicated at first?

People don't want to invest all their emotional energy on some one not willing to do the same for them.

In fewer words,,,

It's hard to get hurt if you don't let your self care to much...

Yes, men can be hurt and the pain is real.

Many women are players just like many men are players, Always looking to upgrade. Looking for love. They don't understand true love takes years to build.

at first most people hook up because they are draw to each other by lust. Love can only happen after a understanding of who each person really is.

[Vasilisa]

People don't want to invest all their emotional energy on some one not willing to do the same for them.

If they don't wish they don't love. As soon as they take the scale out and start measuring on much they give and how much  they receive  and all those debit-credit accounting things it means they don't love anymore. Because when you love you look for the reasons to stay, when you don't love you look for the reasons to get out. When you are in love you are doing a lot of illogical things.
Source: been there- done that