Married an FSUW.. Sickness & weight gain..

[Miri22]

Here's a hypothetical question for both Married to FSUW & and FSUW married to AM. You meet, fall in love & marry.. A high price for both of you put on the slim physical appearance of both parties. One becomes sick, let's say has to take steroids which causes significant weight gain. What do you do? Stay & manage the health crisis and understand your beloved will never look slim again? Take it as long as you can and consider leaving? I'm interested.. There seems to be such a high value on physical appearance both ways. Discuss!

[BarryIRE]

Well for myself I'm engaged to be married to an FSUW and for me physical appearance in secondary in importance. Time doesn't stop when you get married, both people get older, looks fade, body parts sag. "In sickness and in health"...i take the vows seriously.

[Faux Pas]

Here's a hypothetical question for both Married to FSUW & and FSUW married to AM. You meet, fall in love & marry.. A high price for both of you put on the slim physical appearance of both parties. One becomes sick, let's say has to take steroids which causes significant weight gain. What do you do? Stay & manage the health crisis and understand your beloved will never look slim again? Take it as long as you can and consider leaving? I'm interested.. There seems to be such a high value on physical appearance both ways. Discuss!

Love, honor and obey, through sickness and in health? When a loved one is ill is certainly no time to abandoned them. Yes appearance is important and, hypothetically speaking if she loves you and/or you love her, the appearance isn't what you/her fell in love with IMHO. Life deals us many unfortunate circumstances, love is what helps us get through them.

[vwrw]

My answer depends on  what was the reason for the sickness.


If the reason for the sickness was his behavior that I supported him about, then I would stay with my husband as long as i could. If i could find friends who would accompany me in the activities that my husband would not be able to engage anymore due to his new weight, i would stay with him until death makes us part.


 If i could not find such friends or he would object against me having these friends, then i would be really miserable in the marriage. And as they say "miserable wife will make her husband  miserable too. " Therefore, one day i would come to the conclusion that our situation is not good  for him nor for me and would leave.


On the other hand, if the reason for the sickness was an  unreasonable behavior, against which I was constantly cautioning my husband, explaining the negative consequences of the behavior, then I would feel justified to leave him once I helped them go through the adjustments to his new life style as an overweight person. He made a decision to be engaged in a dangerous behavior, I made a decision not to,...it would be unfair if both of us had to sustain the  consequences of his decision.

[BarryIRE]

Hi vwrw,
What if the weight gain was due to a medical reason?

[vwrw]

Hi vwrw,
What if the weight gain was due to a medical reason?

Then, I would proceed the same way as if the reason for the sickness was a behavior that I supported him about.

If not my husband, but I would become the sick and overweight person, i would expect him to behave the same as i would in the reverse situation. And i would encourage him to live a full life even though i could not do so myself. I would ask him to have fun for two of us. I think it would be egotistical to expect him to behave otherwise.

[Darth_Budda]

personality is for life and is by far the most attractive thing a women can ever have.

Good looks is what catches a guys eye. It's also important for children. Good health leads to healthy children. At least that is the way I look at it.

Most people look for some one as vain as they think they are.
My first wife was a HS cheerleader,,,
I guess i am quite vain...
I don't think I am,, but than again I would not look for a long term partner unless i felt they were as attractive as me. especially because I want more kids. But not all men look for the same types.

I look for women around 5'0" - 5'6"  between 100 - 125 pounds. I like a well proportion body.

[GQBlues]

You can be the most romantic, loyal, and loving person any man had ever known, but you know I believe there's a point that too much is just too much...

Seriously, how romantic do you think it'll be sitting in the window seat......on a 12 hour flight? and the plane's air-conditioning is shot? And you have bladder problem and you're also claustrophobic? and he forgot to put on deodorant? and he just had a really bad burrito?

Love you say...? Suuuure!









C'mon....let's be honest now. It's time to get a refund and cash-out!


*I thought steroids only gave men boobs? i.e. like Phil Mickelson

[Gator]

You can be the most romantic, loyal, and loving person any man had ever known, but you know I believe there's a point that too much is just too much...

Love you say...? Suuuure!


C'mon....let's be honest now. It's time to get a refund and cash-out!

Surely you jest.

Fortunately most of the human race is not so egotistical.  Yes, there is a limit, yet how long has this hypothetical couple been married.  Not long I assume.   Medical science can do much.   Try every remedy.

At my age I see many married couples in which either the husband or wife has a grave illness.  People in love stand together.  Not only is it admirable, it seems natural and human.   To not support the other is something other than love.  Yes, accommodations are made, and such is part of marriage.
 

[mies]

Well for myself I'm engaged to be married to an FSUW and for me physical appearance in secondary in importance. Time doesn't stop when you get married, both people get older, looks fade, body parts sag. "In sickness and in health"...i take the vows seriously.

 I never lived with an overweight person, and I do not know how this would make me feel although generally I prefer slim and/or very fit people. I think every situation should be judged on case by case basis.
 
 For example, take alcoholism or drug addiction. It's a disease, and as an addiction - it's pretty much beyond control of the individual, there were some initial wrong behavior, but then it escalated and got out of control. Should a loving spouse stay with a sick person? No, I don't think so.
 
 Let's look at another example. Suppose there is a certain genetic predisposition in a family history. And due to this genetic predisposition a person gets ill and gains weight. Medical reason? sure. Should a loving wife stay? I suppose it depends on whether information about genetic predisposition was disclosed before marriage. If not - the spouse should not be judged harshly no matter what decision they take.
 
 Or another example. A person develops certain medical condition due to lifestyle choice. That is, the medical issue is the direct (or indirect) consequence of their lifestyle choice. Their spouse had no say in this choice when it was made, so when the problems begin - they can stay with the person, or leave.
 
 I think that in case of treatment with steroids the weight gain and body image is quite a minor problem. Living with ill person is an important problem and hard decision.
 I also think that after people live together for long time, if they are very close and love each other, they "internalize" the image of their spouse, so that they see beyond the surface, and will not notice or mind if spouse gained weight or got bold or got wrinkles or gray hair etc etc. We all die in the end, most people deteriorate in their looks as they age, so it's in a way a natural process. Why defy the laws of life?

[Faux Pas]

 I never lived with an overweight person, and I do not know how this would make me feel although generally I prefer slim and/or very fit people. I think every situation should be judged on case by case basis.
 
 For example, take alcoholism or drug addiction. It's a disease, and as an addiction - it's pretty much beyond control of the individual, there were some initial wrong behavior, but then it escalated and got out of control. Should a loving spouse stay with a sick person? No, I don't think so.
 
 Let's look at another example. Suppose there is a certain genetic predisposition in a family history. And due to this genetic predisposition a person gets ill and gains weight. Medical reason? sure. Should a loving wife stay? I suppose it depends on whether information about genetic predisposition was disclosed before marriage. If not - the spouse should not be judged harshly no matter what decision they take.
 
 Or another example. A person develops certain medical condition due to lifestyle choice. That is, the medical issue is the direct (or indirect) consequence of their lifestyle choice. Their spouse had no say in this choice when it was made, so when the problems begin - they can stay with the person, or leave.
 
 I think that in case of treatment with steroids the weight gain and body image is quite a minor problem. Living with ill person is an important problem and hard decision.
 I also think that after people live together for long time, if they are very close and love each other, they "internalize" the image of their spouse, so that they see beyond the surface, and will not notice or mind if spouse gained weight or got bold or got wrinkles or gray hair etc etc. We all die in the end, most people deteriorate in their looks as they age, so it's in a way a natural process. Why defy the laws of life?

Geez mies, you surprised me with this post. A "loving" spouse should not stay with a sick person? Surely, you jest? So a loving spouse should just walk when the loved one becomes ill? Is that really a loving spouse?

"Sorry Gertrude but, that breast cancer thing you've got there just isn't conducive to my idea of a healthy relationship so, I'm outta here. I do love you though." "I told you to stay away from that microwave oven, you've should'a listened." "While you are going through the chemo and other treatments alone, remember, I love you."

Really?

[Ade]

Geez mies, you surprised me with this post. A "loving" spouse should not stay with a sick person? Surely, you jest? So a loving spouse should just walk when the loved one becomes ill? Is that really a loving spouse?

"Sorry Gertrude but, that breast cancer thing you've got there just isn't conducive to my idea of a healthy relationship so, I'm outta here. I do love you though." "I told you to stay away from that microwave oven, you've should'a listened." "While you are going through the chemo and other treatments alone, remember, I love you."

Really?

"Oh, and that heart attack you just had. Well, I find it unacceptable that you put me in the position of having to live with an ill person due to your long standing and inconsiderate bi-weekly intake of red meat. So I'm leaving. And btw, I'm taking the kids with me. Bye."

I know a guy that had his wife leave him when he was recovering from testicular cancer. She "couldn't deal" with his illness. Nice huh?

I've no respect for those that leave their partners because of illness. But, I will agree that there can always be exceptional circumstances; like those people that can't deal with their own illnesses and become violent or abusive towards others because of their anger and frustrations at being ill. There's only so much of that a person can take before all the love and respect one once felt is sucked out of a relationship.

[Muzh]

Here's a hypothetical question for both Married to FSUW & and FSUW married to AM. You meet, fall in love & marry.. A high price for both of you put on the slim physical appearance of both parties. One becomes sick, let's say has to take steroids which causes significant weight gain. What do you do? Stay & manage the health crisis and understand your beloved will never look slim again? Take it as long as you can and consider leaving? I'm interested.. There seems to be such a high value on physical appearance both ways. Discuss!

Kick her sorry ass to the curb and find yourself a new babe.

[Faux Pas]

"Oh, and that heart attack you just had. Well, I find it unacceptable that you put me in the position of having to live with an ill person due to your long standing and inconsiderate bi-weekly intake of red meat. So I'm leaving. And btw, I'm taking the kids with me. Bye."

I know a guy that had his wife leave him when he was recovering from testicular cancer. She "couldn't deal" with his illness. Nice huh?

I've no respect for those that leave their partners because of illness. But, I will agree that there can always be exceptional circumstances; like those people that can't deal with their own illnesses and become violent or abusive towards others because of their anger and frustrations at being ill. There's only so much of that a person can take before all the love and respect one once felt is sucked out of a relationship.

I agree. Good post

[Faux Pas]

Virtually no one expects or plans an illness even if it is through their own abuse or neglect. "That'll never happen to me" is quite familiar to everyone, until it does. Whether it is self inflicted, through genetics, accident or happenstance, to leave a loved one because of sickness or illness is a clear indicator of selfishness and absence of love.

Yes there are extenuating circumstances but, those would certainly be the exception and not the rule. IMHO

[BC]

Steroids alone should not cause weight gain.  Those little pills do not have any calories at all but do increase appetite.

Consider eating less / healthier and getting more exercise.

[SANDRO43]

Steroids alone should not cause weight gain. Those little pills do not have any calories at all but do increase appetite.

Depends on what steroids, ask bodybuilders :

Anabolic steroids, technically known as anabolic-androgen steroids (AAS) or colloquially as "steroids" (or even "roids"), are drugs that mimic the effects of testosterone and dihydrotestosterone in the body. They increase protein synthesis within cells, which results in the buildup of cellular tissue (anabolism), especially in muscles.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anabolic_steroid

[BC]

Depends on what steroids, ask bodybuilders :
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anabolic_steroid

Yeah, but they do eat and exercise accordingly to build up muscle mass.

If a normal diet is 2000 calories and 1000 absorbed without steroids, 1500 with use of steroids, reduce intake by the extra 500 or exercise for the additional 500 (just for example purposes).

It's all math..  something does not come from nothing. I doubt one would starve.

[ML]

Geez mies, you surprised me with this post. A "loving" spouse should not stay with a sick person? Surely, you jest? So a loving spouse should just walk when the loved one becomes ill? Is that really a loving spouse?

Faux, mies just got a little careless with her wording.  That paragraph of hers was devoted to alcoholism or drug addiction.  I am pretty sure she meant that a previously loving spouse should not stay with a person who refused to overcome their addiction.

We will let her clarify if she wishes;  and  you still may  not like  her answer.

[pitbull]

Here's a hypothetical question for both Married to FSUW & and FSUW married to AM. You meet, fall in love & marry.. A high price for both of you put on the slim physical appearance of both parties. One becomes sick, let's say has to take steroids which causes significant weight gain. What do you do? Stay & manage the health crisis and understand your beloved will never look slim again? Take it as long as you can and consider leaving? I'm interested.. There seems to be such a high value on physical appearance both ways. Discuss!

Well, the ugly truth of life (supported by multiple research studies) is that an overwhelming majority of men leave their sick spouses, while an overwhelming majority of women stick by their sick husbands (weight gain or no weight gain).
Same statistics for the families where a child gets very sick: it is much more likely that the husband leaves his wife to care for the sick kid alone.
As the Russian saying goes "A brother loves his sister when she is rich; a husband loves his wife when she is healthy".
 
Here is just one link with statistics on this (I imagine the same findings would be true among AM-RW couples)
 "Indeed, research suggests that Cassidy's experience isn't an anomaly, and that  women are more likely than men to be victims of what's known as partner  abandonment. A 2009 study published in the journal Cancer found that a  married woman diagnosed with a serious disease is six times more likely to be  divorced or separated than a man with a similar diagnosis. Among study  participants, the divorce rate was 21 percent for seriously ill women and 3  percent for seriously ill men. A control group divorced at a rate of 12 percent,  suggesting that if disease makes husbands more likely to split, it makes wives  more likely to stay.          "


Read more: http://www.oprah.com/relationships/Why-Men-Leave-Sick-Wives-Facing-Illness-Alone-Couples-and-Cancer#ixzz1pCnB48Je

[Faux Pas]

Faux, mies just got a little careless with her wording.  That paragraph of hers was devoted to alcoholism or drug addiction.  I am pretty sure she meant that a previously loving spouse should not stay with a person who refused to overcome their addiction.

We will let her clarify if she wishes;  and  you still may  not like  her answer.

The mind reading ability to date, has eluded me. I can't do it. I can only offer response to what is written. I have a lot of respect for mies and have since she started posting here. Normally, I agree with about everything she posts. This one caught me by surprise.

It's not "unusual" that some people actually feel that way. I often agree with GQ's opinion on many subjects. I think his answer was an honest one as was the way I took for mies. She is generally very clear and concise on her opinions.

The thing is, the one affected with the illness is only left with the decision of the "loved one". Illness or accident can and does happen to anyone at anytime. Be careful what you ask for. IMHO

[Ade]

Steroids alone should not cause weight gain.  Those little pills do not have any calories at all but do increase appetite.

Kind of an understatement for many. The "increase in appetite" can be an all consuming craving that is impossible to ignore. Until you've experienced such corticosteriod induced food craving, you'll never understand. Not that everyone who takes corticosteriods experiences such extremes, as some don't. A lot do however. I gave up smoking and it was a breeze compared to trying to fight the appalling hunger I had on 40mg of Prednisolone; I gained 24Kg in 6 months. I'm talking of not being able to sleep until you've had a full dinner at midnight. I spent a small fortune on eating a litre or two of Haagen Dazs icecream every day.  It was absolutely awful never to feel full or satiated no matter how much I ate. At that time I grew to sympathize with those with extreme eating disorders that made them morbidly obese ; I imagine they have similar cravings.

Consider eating less / healthier and getting more exercise.

Yeah.

[mies]

Geez mies, you surprised me with this post. A "loving" spouse should not stay with a sick person? Surely, you jest? So a loving spouse should just walk when the loved one becomes ill? Is that really a loving spouse?

"Sorry Gertrude but, that breast cancer thing you've got there just isn't conducive to my idea of a healthy relationship so, I'm outta here. I do love you though." "I told you to stay away from that microwave oven, you've should'a listened." "While you are going through the chemo and other treatments alone, remember, I love you."

Really?

Geeze, Faux Pas.. before you jump into conclusions, why not read my post carefully and see that I am making a point that in my opinion not all "medical reasons" or "sicknesses" qualify for "till death do us apart."
In case you missed it, let me quote myself: "[dot]I think every situation should be judged on case by case basis.[/dot] "

The specific example about which I said "I do not think loving spouse should stay with this sick person" - was alcoholism and addiction. And I can repeat again, I do think that both addictions are sicknesses/illnesses, and in both cases I strongly believe that a spouse should not stay with this sick person. If anything, I believe they should set a deadline within a reasonable time frame, and then bail out. The sooner the better. There are also other cases which qualify for "leave them be" strategy.

I am sorry guys if I hurt your feelings, but if you really see no difference between cancer, heart attack, and addictions, - then I'm afraid I will not be able to get my point through to you. Or maybe you have never met people with serious substances problems. I had.

As for cancer - first of all, you don't need to make example about breast cancer. You could make example with testicle cancer, and I would get you point just fine. So, as one of my professors in my first school used to say: "cancer is the natural end of any human life, only many people die too soon from other reasons and don't live long enough to experience their own personal cancer." And I share his viewpoint on this matter. I also think that people who demonize it create the social stigma, and this social stigma and fear of the unknown make some spouses run away. I do not understand why society needs to demonize this disease. Yes, it happens, it is expensive, unpleasant, and may be incurable, people often die from it. But people die in general. Just because no one lives forever. So no, I would not leave a person because they have a cancer. It would be as silly as waking up one morning and saying "darling, I just realized that you are not immortal, so let's get divorced."

[Gator]

I am sorry guys if I hurt your feelings, but if you really see no difference between cancer, heart attack, and addictions, - then I'm afraid I will not be able to get my point through to you.

What is the difference?  You earlier wrote:
 

 For example, take alcoholism or drug addiction. It's a disease, and as an addiction - it's pretty much beyond control of the individual

I can see how heart disease and cancer have a physical effect on the sick person, diminishing his/her vigor (and probably physical attractiveness).   In contrast, addiction affects everyone in the family psychologically.

The mother of my sons suffered from clinical depression.  I stayed with her for years and years, yet it was psychologically difficult on me.  She eventually found and married someone who thought she was wonderful.  I fought it but a psychiatrist told me,  "Let her go."  Some of the best advice ever given to me.

[mies]

What is the difference?  You earlier wrote:
 
I can see how heart disease and cancer have a physical effect on the sick person, diminishing his/her vigor (and probably physical attractiveness).   [dot]In contrast, addiction affects everyone in the family psychologically.[/dot]

yes, thank you for mentioning it. Intuitively, this is also the distinction which I make when I am comparing different "medical reasons." I also think people who are self-destructive in any way are bad life partners for normal life-loving people. Of course, there can be different situations.

I can understand why some men in their mature years may be especially sensitive about this topic. if they marry a woman 20 years their junior, statistically the probability that older man will get serious disease is much higher than that his young wife will get serious disease. (although exceptions always exist). I suspect this is why my post touched the bare nerve of some men here. Maybe all people become sensitive about this topic as they get older wiser. The very same guys are usually avid proponents of marriage contracts, some of them also believe that their young wives are entitled to nothing and do not care what will happen to this woman several decades later, when she will start getting feeble and sick, and will be alone. "Take care of me till death do us part, darling, and after that you are on your own." But i digressed. As we say in Russian: "own shirt is always closer to one's body."