A number of Questions...

[Raging Dragon]

Hi All,

I'm fairly new here and mainly doing research about Russian Culture, values etc.

I posted my intro at: http://www.russianwomendiscussion.com/index.php?topic=14919.0

I have some detailed questions I haven't really been able to find a direct answer for.

1.) As mentioned in my introduction thread, my previous wife died (due to health complications unfortunately) is this considered bad luck?

2.) How big of a deal is it that I have two small children? Is this mitigated if I want more?

3.) Related to point 2, how many children typically do women have in FSU? The impression I get is 1 or 2, but I'm not sure if this is preference or economics.

4.) In what regard are Statisticians/Data Analyst types held in the FSU? I work for a university, which locally I'm considered to have a good job, if middle of the road pay wise. I have my M.Sc in Statistics.

Thanks for the information. I'll probably have more questions later.

Edited to add for new viewers:

5.) How much do FSU women ("typically" of course) like men compared to the typical CW or AW?

I ask because an acquaintance's wife, a South Pacific lady, pointed out to me that she's often felt that many of her Canadian friends don't like/respect their husbands as much as the women did back home, and frequently having low opinions of them. I didn't struggle with that with my former wife, but she did seem easier to please than the Canadian women I dated before her. Heck, I think she even mentioned it to me once.

6.) I'm not christian and am in fact a Baha'i.  So how open are FSU women open to men of non-christian religions? Especially one they probably haven't heard of before? I'm figuring it really depends on the woman, which is exactly what I experienced in Canada.

If you are thinking "A what?" I'm not offended, it's not a large religion. Wikipedia has a good description at: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bah%C3%A1'%C3%AD_Faith

Long story short, it's not a big deal for me if a potential wife is not a Baha'i, it's not a religious requirement to only marry in the same religion.

7.) When women FSU say they "don't drink" is this meant literally, or they only drink on special occaisions, or don't because they can't afford it etc?

8.) How big of a deal is it that I live with my parents?

Background: As mentioned, got married when I was 22 and still in University. My parents bought a big house with a completely separate basement suite (so ~2,000 sq ft per floor) so there is no sharing of a kitchen/laundry etc, separate entrance too. When I finished my M.Sc and got my job my former wife and I thought about moving out, but frankly, got along well enough with my parents that it wasn't a big deal. That and the free babysitting.

[pitbull]

Hi Dragon,
Very sorry fort your loss.
I think you do have a good chance in international dating. The fact that you have two little children to raise will be an issue to many young RW who have no kids of their own. You might have a better chance with a girl who has a little kid of her own. The fact that you are open to having more children is a big plus. RW classically want to have 2 kids. Also, I heard women say that they would prefer to "inherit" a little kid to raise as their mother, rather than play tug-of-war with the ex in a 50/50 custody game.
Just make sure you don't put yourself on a fast track to marriage, be very cautious and make sure you know the woman very well. You need to think about your kids first and foremost.
I wouldn't drop the US internet dating entirely, do both at the same time. You might just find a nice AW with a kid.
 
Try Elenas Models.
 

[Raging Dragon]

Thanks Pitbull.

I'm still wavering on how I feel about women with children of their own. I feel it's hypocritical for me to say "only women with no children", but, it does add more baggage to the mix. The silver lining of my loss is that there is no Ex issue in the picture for a future second wife of mine.

I'm not terribly thrilled about marrying a woman with another man in the picture already; as I feel like I'm bringing enough of my own baggage to the bargaining table.  I'm also concerned about having to deal with potential disunity over child rearing i.e. "don't parent my kid like that!"

I do live in Canada and am Canadian btw, so I haven't written off local women exactly, though my former wife was also American.

Thanks for the advice, I know I can be impatient and am aware of that.   I got married at 22 because I found the dating scene exhausting and wanted to have a family and get on with my life.

I'm still not 100% sure if I'm ready to really contact a service like Elena's models, I want to make sure I'm well researched before I do anything.

[GregfromGa]

Are there support groups for that have lost their spouse?   I'm not advocating that as an option but you would have far more in common I would think with someone like that other than someone who shared a different culture and lived half way around the globe. I'm no longer an authority at this. I dont think you will find absolute answers here for the questions you are asking but then again you may be at the right place. Every single situation would be different. I've always heard Asian women make the best wives then 20 minutes later you can read that Latina Catholic women are the best. I would certainly use every possible day you could living in the home with anyone you might even think about marrying.

[calmissile]

Are there support groups for that have lost their spouse?   I'm not advocating that as an option but you would have far more in common I would think with someone like that other than someone who shared a different culture and lived half way around the globe. I'm no longer an authority at this. I dont think you will find absolute answers here for the questions you are asking but then again you may be at the right place. Every single situation would be different. I've always heard Asian women make the best wives then 20 minutes later you can read that Latina Catholic women are the best. I would certainly use every possible day you could living in the home with anyone you might even think about marrying.

+1

For several years I belonged to an international organization called "Parents Without Partners...PWP".  I am not sure how active the organization is nowdays but it used to have a lot of single moms and dads that had children at home.  You might try an internet search and see if there is a chapter in your area.  If not, there may be a similar organization through one of the local churches.

[Turboguy]

It seems to me that you need a little more time to pass before you really lock yourself into a new marriage but this isn't a quick process anyway.   When you are ready to do some serious searching I will second the vote for Elena's Models as the best place to use.  It's where I met my wife and probably is produced the highest number of marriages among RWD members compared to any other single source but people have found wifes doing most anything. 
I have a couple of friends who married women from the FSU with a child.  The impression I have is that the RW wants to handle the disipline and set the standards of acceptable behavoir for her children and I am sure if you prefer it the same thing could apply in reverse.  With RW if you marry one with a child or two expect that the child will come first and you will come second.  Forsaking all others does not apply to children they already have.
I would tend to agree with Greg, don't rule out American women and you might also want to consider women from South America or Asia but that is some peoples cup of tea and something others might not find appealing at all so just go with your heart.
Anyway I am sorry to hear about your wife.  I am sure that was a tough ordeal for both of you.  May I ask how long it has been?

[Raging Dragon]

GregfromGa,

I went to those for the last six months, once I could actually speak about my wife with my kids or family without balling uncontrollably. (Proper grief therapy helped with that too.) The support group was useful, but I was usually the only guy around and much younger than the women who were there. (27 vs women in their 40s/50s/60s, and the odd guy in his 30s or 40s.) They also were often more of a wreck than I was. Some of them tried to set me up a daughter/niece etc, but I wasn't ready for that then. I actually did check and they're all in relationships now!

I'm not seriously considering any one option at the moment either. I did my research on Colombian women, and it's a mixed bag no matter what. A "typical" FSU woman would likely be a bit more driven, educated and worldly, whereas a "typical" Colombian woman might be more relaxed and open to a big family. Both would have cultural differences to overcome, and coming straight to Canada would be difficult. My former wife had an easy pass visiting because she was American.

The thing is that women are all individuals no matter what the cultural generalizations are, and I'll find what I'm meant to find. I'm not in a big rush, but I don't want my kids going to a Sitter forever either.

A friend of mine pointed out that possibly An African American woman might be the best for me, since black men so frequently have children with by other mothers... and I was like "uh dude, that's not what I think middle class black women expect..." Besides, my success with black women in Canada has been 0 out of I don't know, they wouldn't date me in high school or college, so there you go.

It's odd, because I work at a university with lots of very pretty girls younger than I am... There isn't the same anti fraternization rules for staff as there are faculty. But, these girls aren't thinking about settling down, they're getting educated to start their careers, "discover themselves" and all that jazz. I should know, it wasn't that long ago I finished my M.Sc either.

calmissile, thanks for that post. I have used their services in the past, but their office is an hour drive from my house, so I ended up using a much more local option through a church a 4 min drive from my house.

Turboguy, it's been just over a year, roughly 13 months. Thanks for the note about FSU women with their own children, I'd read that here before and it was a big point of concern to me actually. I'd say local women aren't that different either!

[GregfromGa]

Hang in there man.

[Raging Dragon]

Thanks GregfromGa. I'm not sure I'm actually ready to START a relationship, right now, today, this very minute. But I do feel I'm in the right place to at least do my research so that I can move forward in a constructive and wise fashion.

Ok, more questions time.

5.) How much do FSU women ("typically" of course) like men compared to the typical CW or AW?

I ask because an acquaintance's wife, a South Pacific lady, pointed out to me that she's often felt that many of her Canadian friends don't like/respect their husbands as much as the women did back home, and frequently having low opinions of them. I didn't struggle with that with my former wife, but she did seem easier to please than the Canadian women I dated before her.

6.) I'm not christian and am in fact a Baha'i.  So how open are FSU women open to men of non-christian religions? Especially one they probably haven't heard of before? I'm figuring it really depends on the woman, which is exactly what I experienced in Canada.

If you are thinking "A what?" I'm not offended, it's not a large religion. Wikipedia has a good description at: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bah%C3%A1'%C3%AD_Faith

Long story short, it's not a big deal for me if a potential wife is not a Baha'i, it's not a religious requirement to only marry in the same religion.

7.) When women FSU say they "don't drink" is this meant literally, or they only drink on special occaisions, or don't because they can't afford it etc?

[GQBlues]

...7.) When women FSU say they "don't drink" is this meant literally, or they only drink on special occaisions, or don't because they can't afford it etc?

Generally, it carries the same veracity as when they say they don't smoke in their profile.

[Turboguy]

Generally, it carries the same veracity as when they say they don't smoke in their profile.

Generally "They don't smoke" means they don't smoke unless they are puffing on a cigarette.  In between there is no smoke coming from them however often when men meet them for the first time and see how hot they are the men may have some smoke coming from them even when they don't have a cigarette lit.
Don't drink for an FSU women means they don't drink hard liquor.  They don't consider wine and beer to be drinking.
 

[Turboguy]

If you are thinking "A what?" I'm not offended, it's not a large religion. Wikipedia has a good description at: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bah%C3%A1'%C3%AD_Faith

Ah, you read my mind and knew I was thinking an A what.   Well, learning about religions is not one of my active hobbies but I do have a normal amount of curiosity.  I don't think it will be a serious issue for most.   I once dated (or dated once) a Zoristanian Persian which I believe is a religion that worships fire.  In the distant past I had some romantic correspondence that never went further with at least one who practiced Wicca.  I think for some people it is a big issue and for others not but for the average RW it will not be an issue (there will be exceptions)

[pitbull]

.
6.) I'm not christian and am in fact a Baha'i.  So how open are FSU women open to men of non-christian religions? Especially one they probably haven't heard of before? I'm figuring it really depends on the woman, which is exactly what I experienced in Canada.

If you are thinking "A what?" I'm not offended, it's not a large religion. Wikipedia has a good description at: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bah%C3%A1'%C3%AD_Faith

Long story short, it's not a big deal for me if a potential wife is not a Baha'i, it's not a religious requirement to only marry in the same religion.

Dragon,
This is great! I am an FSUW, and agnostic. But I have to say that if I had to pick a religion (and I might be at that point some time), Baha'i would be the one hands down. There is almost nothing in it I would disagree with. My husband's best friend is Baha'i, and she and her family are among the best human beings I've met.
There is a reason why Baha'i has the highest number of scfientists out of all religions 
So, pick a well educated RW, you'll be totally fine as to the religion part.

[I/O]

Hmmmmmm, wheres the 'scratching my head' emoticon?

[Faux Pas]

Generally "They don't smoke" means they don't smoke unless they are puffing on a cigarette.  In between there is no smoke coming from them however often when men meet them for the first time and see how hot they are the men may have some smoke coming from them even when they don't have a cigarette lit.
Don't drink for an FSU women means they don't drink hard liquor.  They don't consider wine and beer to be drinking.

Or when drinking samagon with borscht, or cognac toasting with friends and of course vodka doesn't count anytime 

[Boethius]

I'm with you, I/O.
 
Finding someone who will be a wonderful mother to your children will be difficult enough.  Why would you add cultural and linguistic differences, and a woman who is a continent away?  How much time can you spend together, to know how she interacts with your children?  No matter how cute your children are, or well behaved, raising children is a lot of work.  Most women in their twenties who want to raise children want their own children.  I'm not saying it is impossible, but you have a lot of hurdles to overcome, and you should be realistic, for the sake of your children.
 
Your situation in marrying your American wife, as a 22 year old single man is not comparable.  You have children to think of, young children, who are vulnerable.   

[Eduard]

A lot of generalizations are used here. Fact is that just like here in the US, there are all kinds of women in the FSU and if you choose to seek your future wife there you just need to talk to many different women until you find that special connection with one. I personally know men with kids living with them who had no problem finding FSU women for marriage. Some of the women had a child, others didn't. The main thing is that a woman has to want to be with you, then she will accept your kids, your dog, your cat , your mom, etc. Finding the right one FOR YOU should be a priority.
As suggested above I think that you should try venues like "Parents without partners" locally. You never know, you just might find a great American lady who is having a hard time meeting marriage minded American men because she has 2 or 3 kids of her own. If you don't find any one locally FSU has millions of single women and some of them would be happy to find a guy like you.

[Turboguy]

There will be challenges for a man looking for a wife when he has a couple of kids.  I have to agree with what some of the others have said, most women will want to have their own children with their husband,  some others may not want children at all.  Finding a woman who wants to be a step mother to a few existing kids will be a little more difficult but of course nothing is impossible.  I am sure women who have kids will experience the same problems.  Finding a guy who wants to jump their bones will be easy enough but if she is motiveated to find a husband it will be more difficult for her.   To me the best option would be to become less against finding a woman with kids.   It is more of an even exchange and there are a lot of happy, yours, mine and ours marriages.

[LAman]

First, I am very sorry for your loss and also for your children's loss.
You have 2 very young kids to take care of.......shouldn't that be your main concerns?
Yes, I understand you would like to find another to fill your life again. Looking into an area
that is half way around the world just will add more difficulties...
Everyone is different, I chose to focus on raising my kids when I got divorced( they were 9 & 10) for a few years until they were old enough to be more on their own. I did causually date but my kids were always first. Just some food for thought.... My best to you .....

[Raging Dragon]

Hi everyone, thanks for the advice and suggestions, it is very heartening to get this information.

I agree, looking half way around the world is difficult. The thing is I will likely be using the internet to start out with anyways, I find it's easier than looking locally, as I did meet my former wife online to start out with.

My kids are my priority, but once they're asleep (which is between 6 to 7pm) I have time in the evening to think about things. And be alone unless I visit my parents or got visit with friends.

This brings up my next question

8.) How big of a deal is it that I live with my parents?

Background: As mentioned, got married when I was 22 and still in University. My parents bought a big house with a completely separate basement suite (so ~2,000 sq ft per floor) so there is no sharing of a kitchen/laundry etc, separate entrance too. When I finished my M.Sc and got my job my former wife and I thought about moving out, but frankly, got along well enough with my parents that it wasn't a big deal. That and the free babysitting.

To others, I'm merely considering what challenges I'd face with a FSU. They sound pretty considerable and daunting actually, I'm not sure it's realistic. Please be aware of that. I'm just not sold on staying local - that's all. I like using the internet because it can allow for a lot of sorting that's faster to do than in real life.

[Eduard]

Hi everyone, thanks for the advice and suggestions, it is very heartening to get this information.

I agree, looking half way around the world is difficult. The thing is I will likely be using the internet to start out with anyways, I find it's easier than looking locally, as I did meet my former wife online to start out with.

My kids are my priority, but once they're asleep (which is between 6 to 7pm) I have time in the evening to think about things. And be alone unless I visit my parents or got visit with friends.

This brings up my next question

8.) How big of a deal is it that I live with my parents?

Background: As mentioned, got married when I was 22 and still in University. My parents bought a big house with a completely separate basement suite (so ~2,000 sq ft per floor) so there is no sharing of a kitchen/laundry etc, separate entrance too. When I finished my M.Sc and got my job my former wife and I thought about moving out, but frankly, got along well enough with my parents that it wasn't a big deal. That and the free babysitting.

To others, I'm merely considering what challenges I'd face with a FSU. They sound pretty considerable and daunting actually, I'm not sure it's realistic. Please be aware of that. I'm just not sold on staying local - that's all. I like using the internet because it can allow for a lot of sorting that's faster to do than in real life.

same advice: find the woman for whom living in your parents' basement apartment is not an issue. It's a numbers game, you talk to enough women you will connect with some. You mentionned the internet thing. Better know what you are doing if you decide to look for an FSU woman, particularly be careful with the "Russian bride" agencies.

[Raging Dragon]

same advice: find the woman for whom living in your parents' basement apartment is not an issue. It's a numbers game, you talk to enough women you will connect with some. You mentionned the internet thing. Better know what you are doing if you decide to look for an FSU woman, particularly be careful with the "Russian bride" agencies.

Fair enough. I do have the money to buy a house from the life insurance policy, but wasn't sure I wanted to move out just to impress a woman. It would burn a good chunk of it up, and instead of rent I'd still be paying property taxes and all the other little bills. That and the housing market here is very over priced as "starter" homes start at around 300k, the national average is like 150k. Having the grandparents upstairs is highly convenient, luckily I get along very well with them.

Also, one of the first things I did was look up how to find the reputable sites! That and doing your homework too is essential. I have a bad story about this. One guy finally got a Russian girl here, they had a great wedding ceremony, got drunk, went home, had great sex...

Then next morning his car along with anything small and valuable (cash, credit cards, family jewelry gifted to them) was gone. It's been six years, and I recently asked him, the authorities still have no idea where she went and consider the case cold and closed it a couple years ago.

[GQBlues]

...
My kids are my priority, but once they're asleep (which is between 6 to 7pm) I have time in the evening to think about things. And be alone unless I visit my parents or got visit with friends.

This brings up my next question

8.) How big of a deal is it that I live with my parents?

Background: As mentioned, got married when I was 22 and still in University. My parents bought a big house with a completely separate basement suite (so ~2,000 sq ft per floor) so there is no sharing of a kitchen/laundry etc, separate entrance too. When I finished my M.Sc and got my job my former wife and I thought about moving out, but frankly, got along well enough with my parents that it wasn't a big deal. That and the free babysitting.

To others, I'm merely considering what challenges I'd face with a FSU. They sound pretty considerable and daunting actually, I'm not sure it's realistic. Please be aware of that. I'm just not sold on staying local - that's all. I like using the internet because it can allow for a lot of sorting that's faster to do than in real life.

Man, the thorny issues are piling up with you... 

I'm with the others here re: children. You can put them to bed at 7PM but doesn't keep them from growing up and keep things out-of-the-way per se....If I have children like you, I'd just as soon forget about a wife ~ more especially in your situation.

FSUWs come from a culture where kids/adult, even those that are married, live with their parents for a much extended time than we are used to in the western hemisphere (for the most part), so maybe your situation may well be acceptable for many, though I won't bet too much money on that.

Having said that, and I hope you don't get me the wrong way...if you have to cash in on a life insurance just to 'buy' a home then that tells me things can get ugly fast money-wise. There's been discussions here in the recent past that these marriages can be done on a shoe string budget but I'd rather skip past that and just approach this in a more logical manner. My take is, if you have to import a woman from another country, then monies you need or expect to spend should be monies that are technically disposable income. You do have children to care for and worry about after all. IMO, they would be numero uno to me. There are things that come up with these marriages (not always but prevalent enough) that are stressful enough without having to deal with raising children to boot.

[Lily]

 

5.) How much do FSU women ("typically" of course) like men compared to the typical CW or AW?
 

I'd love to answer this one. Everything that I did in my life, I did it for a man.
Generally speaking however, I believe that most RW love men and try their best to make their men's life as nice as possible. But it does not mean that your next online acquaintance will share this point of view. I knew RW who honestly believe that men were created to please them and to provide for them.
On your # 6 - religion may play a role for some RW. For the others, it may not.
Those who would be sensitive to the religious topic, may (again, some of them may) avoid the non-Christians. Especially some RW may avoid Moslems. Here I could clarify that for many Russians, religion would be something that is close to the human ethnicity rather than to the free choice of faith. Religion would be deeply rooted in family, race and history. For example, if someone tells that he is Christian, that woule mean that he or she was born from the white Caucasian parents and his ethnicity, family history is generally determined as Christian, even he or she never goes to the church. If this person willingly accepts Islam, for a Russian mind it would be something very strange. He or she would still be considered as Christian, In short, it goes with the blood, not with the spirit. Strange, eh?
On your # 7 - By saying  ''I don't drink'', some (again, some may be of a different opinion) may say that they are still able to walk with a straight posture after a few drinks.    How do you like that    However, some RW really mean it that they don't drink alcohol.
On your # 8 - it depends on your reasons why do you live with your parents. My cautious guess would be that some RW may find it good to stay in your parents' house in order to cut costs and to save on your future mortgage.
But really, Dragon, you are in the immigrants' country. Try to visit Russian dating sites. I posed a few addresses a while ago on RWD. You may want to test the waters there first.
Welcome to ask questions. Also the funny ones 
 

[Eduard]

Man, the thorny issues are piling up with you... 

I'm with the others here re: children. You can put them to bed at 7PM but doesn't keep them from growing up and keep things out-of-the-way per se....If I have children like you, I'd just as soon forget about a wife ~ more especially in your situation.

FSUWs come from a culture where kids/adult, even those that are married, live with their parents for a much extended time than we are used to in the western hemisphere (for the most part), so maybe your situation may well be acceptable for many, though I won't bet too much money on that.

Having said that, and I hope you don't get me the wrong way...if you have to cash in on a life insurance just to 'buy' a home then that tells me things can get ugly fast money-wise. There's been discussions here in the recent past that these marriages can be done on a shoe string budget but I'd rather skip past that and just approach this in a more logical manner. My take is, if you have to import a woman from another country, then monies you need or expect to spend should be monies that are technically disposable income. You do have children to care for and worry about after all. IMO, they would be numero uno to me. There are things that come up with these marriages (not always but prevalent enough) that are stressful enough without having to deal with raising children to boot.

he didn't say he would "cash in" his life insurance policy. I understood it as he would use the proceeds from the death benefit he recieved from the insurance company after his wife passed. I think every one is entitled to seek happiness whether they have children or not. If he finds a good woman the kids will have a loving parent, a mother figure in their life which would be a good thing. Obviously if he gets the wrong woman into his home it's not going to be pretty, but that's up to him really. He needs to figure things out.