Aloe, the desperate housewife

[Spoon]

Spoon, that is really a nice offer.
You are truly a good guy!

GOB

I like to 'pay it forward'

I had help when I decided to make the move (although the picture was painted in slightly brighter colours than in reality) so I try to give a 'truer' picture to those wanting to attempt it.

It is something that requires a lot of thought, and it's not even possible for a lot of folk unless they are well qualified, as immigration is so difficult these days.

It's not something I would recommend Aloe attempting right now, she has other concerns that are more pressing. But in the future? Who knows? & if I'm still in the mining game, I'll gladly offer any assistance

[GoodOlBoy]

Aloe, it's really none of my business and you can ignore this post if you want..... But have you seriously thought about what you are going to do if/when he chokes you or covers your mouth again?

I mean really, have you thought about it?

GOB

[Jumper]

Color me stupid, but I am not so sure it is "helpful" to tell Aloe that a million other people around the world choke their wives and try to cut off their screams by covering their mouths with a forceful hand.

GOB

Twist it all you want, I clearly stated,  more than once , his behaviour was inexcusable,
redefine inexcusable , because websters is pretty clear.. ?
or let it go.
 
I never once stated it was normal for him to choke her.  I said it was normal for her to have the  feelings she is having about her marriage and situation ,that many people do. shes not alone in those feelings. and yes, sadly, it is rather routine and normal  for early young marriages to have similar (look in websters again ok? si-mi-lar ) fights and arguments,as well as immaturity and frustrations.
 
but if you want a online futile pissing match GOB? lol
  It's about as naive and helpful as actually thinking IMBRA has any effect on men with DV past history seeking foreign women?,
 IMBRA is an outright joke in that regard.
 
Your naivete' is showing, might want to cover that up.
really.
 
Your heart is in the right place, I respect that a lot,
but you thinking anything would truly be different *in this country * is unfounded by anything substantial.
 
Tons of evidence, in this very country , suggests nothing would generally happen in
the majority of cases,  with this scenaereo.(some pushing shoving /choking)
Women simply dont generally file, or ebven when they do ,they take the guy back.
I'm sorry to bust your wonderland , but peter pan isnt here.Perhaps look down under?
If anything was filed IMBRA would be incredible ineffective in keeping a man with a DV charge, from  dating and marrying a foregn woman.
 
Go ahead shoot the messenger,  if it makes you feel better?
I'm almost bullet proof, leap tall buildings regularly,
and dont condone men being violent with women in any way.
I even really like the Good ol USA too! 
 

[Jumper]

Aloe, it's really none of my business and you can ignore this post if you want..... But have you seriously thought about what you are going to do if/when he chokes you or covers your mouth again?

I mean really, have you thought about it?

GOB

you see we are not so far apart
 I agree that's something she should think carefully about,as its generally viewed that it would happen again, so to  absolutely know exactly what she will do if /when it ever occurs again.
 
 
 

[GoodOlBoy]

Your naivete' is showing, might want to cover that up.
really.

Your probably right?, BUT....

Women simply dont generally file, or ebven when they do ,they take the guy back.

On this point you are dead wrong (at least down here in Miami).

The DA (District Attorney) will file charges against the abuser and compel the woman to testify if need be.

They have had to do this because men try to intimidate their wives/girlfriends not to testify against them.

GOB

[GoodOlBoy]

It's not "normal" to choke your wife or put your hands over her mouth so she can't scream or breathe.

That is a load of crap.

Aloe, just last night this famous rich football guy was arrested here in Miami:

http://www.miamiherald.com/2012/08/12/2947931/chad-johnsons-bond-set-at-2500.html

There are consequences in the GoodOl' USA for behavior like your husbands.... No matter who you are!

GOB

Consequences FWIW (1 hour ago).........

 http://content.usatoday.com/communities/thehuddle/post/2012/08/chad-johnson-released-dolphins/1

GOB

[LiveFromUkraine]

Thanks for sharing. I work out 2 or 3 times a week. Doesn't help my situation much. Helps with self-esteem a bit.

Where can i be around people? I wouldnt know...

Yeah, some types of exercise didn't help much like running.  I found the higher the exertion the better it made me feel.  Like jumping rope, lifting heavy weights sort of stuff.  The walking or running for 30 minutes was good for me but didn't help the ole brain. 

I think some people already posted about some places to meet people in another thread of yours. 

Do they have any hobbyist groups in Belgium?  Maybe check out Facebook (or any other social website that may be popular there) to see if there are any groups in your area or possibly donate some time to a pet shelter or some other worthy cause. 

There must be some dance clubs there.  I have been wanting to take up salsa dancing.

Part time job would get you meeting people and will help make you a little more independent. 

Maybe a martial arts class which would help you put your husband into place when he doesn't want to shop and help your self esteem.   

[Anotherkiwi]

Consequences FWIW (1 hour ago).........

 http://content.usatoday.com/communities/thehuddle/post/2012/08/chad-johnson-released-dolphins/1

GOB

Why do they say "released" when they mean "sacked?"  Too PC for me... 

[I/O]

There was also this.........

the decision to cut Johnson was made by Philbin

............ which down here would have even more dire meaning. 

[Anotherkiwi]

There was also this......... ............ which down here would have even more dire meaning. 

LOL 

[missAmeno]

Aloe, although my marriage wasnt successful I was lucky enough to meet my better half some time after my marriage failed. Having experience of both happy and unhappy relationships made me realize that relationship only can be successful if you are able to accept your partner the way he is (with all good, bad and ugly) and ability to compromise.  You mentioned that now your husband stop listening music that you so dislike. He is trying to compromise, perhaps its late but better late then never. But would you be able to stop listening music you like to make your partner happier? do you feel its right to ask your dear to stop doing something he enjoys? You have to go on compromise as well, you have to find middle ground where he can listen his music sometimes and it will not effect you (perhaps headsets for you and for him is solution that would allow each of you enjoy music you want). And thats approach you should try to take in all the matters, finding solutions with which both of you could be happy.

They start at any time of the day normally. But also whenever he is hungry or tired he has the patience the size of a peanut. He is always annoyed at me whenever he is hungry or tired. If i take him out shopping, he whines and acts annoyed after 30 minutes. Like we went to a store cuz we needed a tv, and he was hungry and tired, so he started whining to go home, and i walked slowly the 10 meter long row, looking at stuff on the way to him, then he  screamed and accused me of deliberately trying to piss him off. And even after having eaten, he refused to believe that i wasn't trying to piss him off. 

Somehow I never managed to meet a man that enjoys shopping, I heard they exist but seems they are rare species under threat of extinction.
With my better half we made simple arrangements: he would drop me at shopping centre and once I finish shopping I would call him to pick me up. Depending on type of shopping he would either return home or wait for me in cafe reading book (and sometimes in pub  ). He trusted me to make wise choices whatever required to buy, as I trusted to him. I always had difficulty to buy electronics, power tools, DIY products, etc and so he always handled those. Neither of us took for granted what each of us contributed to relationship but we both been trying to make it easier or each oher.

Reason I am telling all of this, Aloe, that you should find ways to copromise in simple things as shopping as well. While you do shopping your hubby may prepare dinner, neither of you will be grumpy and both of you could have better time together.

I dont have any friends, neither does he. all we have is online friends, and sometimes very rarely we meet some of them in real life. 
All my energy is consumed by studying and commuting to the university for 3 hrs a day, not much energy left for anything else. In the summer i'm studying as well, but other things. Besides all the things i want for a hobby, like going for a hike somewhere, hubby doesn't wanna do, and i dont have anyone else to do it with. 

Why not to do it on your own? You considering option of moving alone to another country where you dont know nobody at all to earn money (a bit extreme thoughts) but you not going hike on your own? Before considering going on other side of world on your own start to do on your own little (and big) things that make you happier. Believe me doing/achieving things on your own will give you wings and self confidence you seeking.


I still believe you should make research about support for victims of domestic abuse and have a plan of what to do if violence again occurs. Having that knowledge will not hurt you, it will only give confidence that if anything bad to happen, you are ready to deal with situation.

As of antidepressants, I would not advice them unless its last option.  All they do is make you feel numb, emotionally withdrown, kind of zombified.

Aloe, you have to find desire to make changes (whatever those changes to be: fix marriage or move forward) and unless you had that desire in some form already, you wouldnt be thinking about Australia or starting this thread. So now is time to figure out what exactly you want to do: either forgive what hubby did, accept him the way he is and try to fix your marriage or start to plan your life on your own. You have to clearly understand that without forgiving your husband for aggresive and violent behavior he had towards you, your relationship will not survive. Can you forgive him?

[Gator]

So now is time to figure out what exactly you want to do: either forgive what hubby did, accept him the way he is and try to fix your marriage or start to plan your life on your own. You have to clearly understand that without forgiving your husband for aggresive and violent behavior he had towards you, your relationship will not survive. Can you forgive him?

Forgiveness?  Interesting concept.   And if he repeats his violent behavior?
 
Forgiveness is a Christian principle.  However, I assume you do not mean to turn the other cheek but to forgive and at the same time have a plan for change.
 
Many abused women blame themselves or at least consider themselves culpable.  So forgiving self seemingly would be as important as forgiving hubby. 
 

[Doll]

Gator, not sure if it is Chinese or Japanese saying, but here it is,"What happened once might not happen again, but what happened twice will repeat for sure"

[missAmeno]

Gator, Doll is right. What I mean if it happens once it may never happen again. Is Aloe ready to forgive, put behind and start again? If she cant trully forgive and it will be on her mind every time something goes wrong in relationship, then they dont have chance.

[The Natural]

Don't know if this is applicable, but in light of talk about work in the outback of Autralia to earn money, here goes.
 
Many foreigners work seasonably here in the fishing industry. It's hard work salting and lifting frozen fish and so on, but the pay is about 20 Euros per hour and I reckon they pay extra for overtime as is customary in this country. There are several different nationalities close by me in a very small place, people from Latvia, Estonia and Russia. My ex-mother-in-law works there and last time she visited me she said she made as much in 2 weeks there as she did a whole year back in Russia doing her old job. Her friends back home found that hard to believe, hehe.
 
As I said, it's not work for sissys, but the conditions are good, rooms for the workers on site and a small shop close by. Of course one needs to have the papers in order, like being a legal in the Schengen area.

[Doll]

Speaking of shopping- I never shop with my hubby. "Never" is 3-4 times over 10 years
I guess it has saved our marriage. Just kidding.
I love shopping, he hates it, so be it

[Gator]

Aloe,
You and LiveFromUA were discussing exercise.  This paper explains scientifically the effect of exercise in treating depression.
 
http://serendip.brynmawr.edu/bb/neuro/neuro05/web2/mmcgovern.html

[TheTraveler]

Yeah, I just thought of something.
I hope you have your computer locked Aloe.
If he ever finds RWD or your threads.... Well, you will probably need to exit your home quickly!

GOB

PS... I hope the "rat" isn't reading this. 

i'm pretty sure that aloe's threads are available for reading on all computers... not just on her laptop.

perhaps aloe can shed some light on this question...

does your husband read your posts here?

[mies]

 It seems you have a decent marriage, aside from the fighting,

 
it could be funny if it weren't so sad. I pity yourt marriage, Fathertime if this is your definition of a decent marriage.

[mies]

Ranetka, it is hard to say what happened since none of us where there.  That was my whole point.
If someone is screaming hysterically and starts to grab an object that can be thrown at you or smashed on your head you may react instinctively to protect yourself.   

LFU, imagine for a moment that you and I are married. Doesn't matter who of us if male who is female. It is a nice romantic evening, you came home sooner than I, and cooked dinner. Then I come home from work, and before going to the kitchen to eat the dinner that you've cooked, I switch on this CD on the 0.5 speakers capacity:


You ask me politely to make it quieter and tell me that you do not like this music. I frown at you and make the music even louder, now at full speakers capacity, and tell you (my voice adjusted to the level of noise in the room) that I had a stressful day and have the right to relax. After some more discussion of this sort you lose your humor and romantic mood and yell something to me and take dinner plate into your hands (probably you were going to throw it to the trash can).

So I rich instinctively for the makogon (always handy at the kitchen of a homy & cosy Ukrainian woman)

and start defending myself with it, hitting you everywhere, and pushing you towards the wall. Afterwards, I tell you that you scared me with your yell and I thought you were going to physically attack me and throw the plate with food to my face. When you show me the bruise on your temple, I tell you "it was an accident, I was not aiming your head, I was just protecting myself."

Now, is it more clear to you that I (the attacker) was just defending myself, and that you - the quiet person, has provoked me by not letting me to listen to my music? I am not saying that physical confrontation is the best solution, but you really left me no choice, being a bad, mean, hysterical and controlling person that you are. 

[LiveFromUkraine]

So I rich instinctively for the makogon (always handy at the kitchen of a homy & cosy Ukrainian woman)

Ok, imagining Mies and I are married and she carries clubs around with her while eating dinner...   

Mies, we already hashed this out quite a bit but, yeah, if you felt I was going to physically hurt you I can see you protecting yourself.

People react differently in situations, right or wrong.  I don't know if Aloe's husband was acting out of instinct or anger or controlling tendencies.   

 I think a better question is why would you feel I was going to hurt you if I just let out a scream?

I also don't understand how a guy suddenly becomes violent after years of marriage.  Personally, I believe they lost respect for each other.  You can tell by the way Aloe talks about her husband and, if true, the way he acts towards her.

[Disclaimer for those that like to leap to conclusions in order to make themselves feel superior]
 As I said before, no one should act out physically. 

As Aloe posts more, there seems to be more to the story.  That was my whole point when it comes to listening to one side of the story.

[mies]

What did he do to warrant this type of aggressive behavior? 

He stuck his finger at her and played loud music.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2008/jun/19/usa.guantanamo

[LiveFromUkraine]

http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2008/jun/19/usa.guantanamo

lol Now, not only is he an violent, abusive, and controlling man, he also likes to interrogate Aloe Gauntanamo bay style. 

This thread is funny in a sad way. 

[mies]

I also don't understand how a guy suddenly becomes violent after years of marriage.  Personally, I believe they lost respect for each other. 

Based on Aloe's posts, her husband never had respect for her to start with. And he always was showing signs of aggression - first emotional, now it is physical. He always did.

If you do not understand the impact loud music can have on human, I will make a hours 2-selection of "songs" for you, can send them via skype, or can send you a CD - your choice. You must promise you will listen to them at the volume level I will indicate. After you listen to the songs for 2 hours non-stop, let me know what do you think. Somehow, I believe 2 hrs won't be needed. You will see my point clearly after 15-20 minutes max.

Makogon is used to grind poppy seeds for a traditional ukrainian meal "Kutya". I have 1 "makogon" and 1 of those

in my kitchen. Plus a large number of conveniently sized frying pans. You can say I am well-equipped

[mies]

lol Now, not only is he an violent, abusive, and controlling man, he also likes to interrogate Aloe Gauntanamo bay style. 

This thread is funny in a sad way.

I had conversations in the past with a psychiatrist who enlightened me about the effect of noise and quietness, light and dark on a human psyche. According to him, subjecting a person to unwanted, very loud, and unpleasant noise, is in fact a torture. The psychiatrist was an American man (in case this detail will add him credibility in your eyes).

So in essence what we have is an aggressive guy who is habitually abusing and torturing Aloe, and when she tries to protest - he chokes her.


 "Torture is the systematic and deliberate infliction of acute pain by one person on another, or on a third person, in order to accomplish the purpose of the former against the will of the latter."" Amnesty International, 1973 (from Wikipedia)