How to get hubby to get rid of an addiction?

[Leelou]

Is this a fact? Your husband has taken quite a beating from people here based on the things you've said coupled with a one sided story. Your husband does have some issues to resolve before he's considered marriage material. You can't fix him until you fix yourself.
 
You are thinking you need certain things in your life to make that happen. Vacations around the world or maybe a million dollars? I never got the Lamborgini I wanted but I'm not going to let it get me depressed. Look on the bright side, you and your husband are living life better than 80% of the people in the world.
 
My wife used to do dishes once every 2-3 days and I told her it's best to do them after eating since they will be more easier to clean. At first she didn't take my advice. After she came back from vacationing in Ukraine, she does the dishes everyday and keeps the house cleaner. She's proud of the condition of the house and her efforts motivate me to be a better husband.
 
Don't be like a drunk trying to forget all your problems only for it to remain the next day and compound. Crying or dying is not the solution. Take care of everyday business to take care of your marriage and life.

+1000

[mies]

Anyway, hubby isnt the problem, i know that now. Im like 95% of the problem. I dont know what i want, and what i do know i want is quite possibly very impossible to achieve, so that thought makes me extra unhappy, and the thought of slaving for the rest of my life behind some desk is adding to the depressive thinking, and now i dont even think i ever want children, cuz im horrible and irresponsible, and also i feel like a giant failure in general. Sigh.

hm.
Aloe, are you making fun of all of us? 

[mies]

i just wanna crawl into some dark hole and sit there, all alone and miserable. And let the hole be a total complete freakin pigsty. Cuz i'm sick of cleaning and washing and being expected to clean and wash and feeling guilty when im not cleaning and washing.

how about you stop cleaning? would that help you to feel better? Assume, for a week, that it is not your responsibility to do this. And don't do this. Try not to feel guilty about it because it's not your responsibility.Then after a week, re-evaluate how you are feeling.

[mies]

C'mon, be truthful. There is never 3 million tasks. It's all in your attitude and the way you perceive it. You see them as burdens rather than accomplishing goals. You are correct in that it never does end. That is just part of life that you would do well to start getting use to. These are growing pains Aloe. It's your refusal to accept your responsibilities of your own well being and those in your life. At some point you will accept them or you will stop living. You are sounding depressed. You may or may not have something serious going on and it wouldn't hurt to speak to a professional. Depression is a threat to your sanity

accomplishing a goal of cleaning the house and cooking the dinner? Come on, Faux Pas, is this the goal you set for yourself every morning when you wake up, and in the evening, when you lie in bed, you think happily and proudly "I have accomplished my daily goals"?

[mies]

"Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes."
- William Gibson

 

[Bee Farmer]

Quote from: Bee Farmer on December 15, 2012, 10:32:15 PM

    ...It's ridiculous for all these DIVORCED guys to tell Aloe that she is depressed, or that she needs to seek professional help.  (Are any of these guy even qualified to diagnose a medical condition like depression?) 


Why should one's marital status have any bearing at all on this?

Because someone who is divorced has shown through their actions that they believe divorce is the solution to marital problems.  They resign themselves to accepting divorce.

Partly, but you must have missed the point where Aloe's husband grabbed her around the neck.  There is way more to this marriage than any of us are privy to,

I recall an argument I was having with a lady when I was younger.  She was raised in a home where disputes were resolved with physical fighting.  In her anger, she slapped me.  I grabbed her and put her in a bear hug and pinned her arms.  I outweighed her by 50 pounds, and I was pretty rough about it.  I know how much I regret how I acted.  I don't know all the details of Aloe's situation, but speaking for myself, I know it is possible for a guy to be physically aggressive with a girl he cares about...and I know the regret that guy faces afterwards.  One time can be a deeply regretted mistake, without it being habitual behavior.

As for wanting more help doing housework like dishes - use what bachelors do.  Paper plates.  :-)

I think this is a pretty good article, that I would recommend that everyone read.  It talks about the different stages of relationships, and how people deal with problems.
http://www.relationship-help.com/articlesdetail.asp?id=64

[Ade]

Because someone who is divorced has shown through their actions that they believe divorce is the solution to marital problems.  They resign themselves to accepting divorce.

That logic wouldn't be out of place in your average moron.


You have no idea why men are divorced, what circumstances led up to it, how long they were married or even if they initiated the divorce in the first place. And, to be frank, there are certain situations where divorce is the best solution for all involved.

Your naivety and relationship ignorance is typical of a teenager not a grown man. Go and experience life rather than theorizing about it. And, fwiw, I'd suggest again that you stay out of the FSU as there's a good chance they'll either laugh at you or scam you.

[Bee Farmer]

That logic wouldn't be out of place in your average moron.


You have no idea why men are divorced, what circumstances led up to it, how long they were married or even if they initiated the divorce in the first place. And, to be frank, there are certain situations where divorce is the best solution for all involved.

It's no different than prizefighters.  As long as they are undefeated, mentally they don't know how to lose.  After that first loss, it takes a mental toll on them, and they "know how to lose" after that, and they never fight with the same determination in the face of adversity as they did when they were undefeated.

It doesn't matter how long they were undefeated, or why they lost, or what circumstances lead to their defeat.  The only thing that matters is that they lost - and mentally, they are never the same again.

I agree that their are some situations where divorce is justified - but even then, divorce is never ok or a good thing.

Your naivety and relationship ignorance is typical of a teenager not a grown man. Go and experience life rather than theorizing about it.

And you sound like a sore loser...

[Ade]

And you sound like a sore loser...

Unbelievable. lol


 


Tell you what, when you've been happily married for, say, 10 years, come back and preach as much as you want. It'll still probably be bollocks but at least you'll have some real experience to draw on that will give you a smidgen of credibility. 

[Danchik]

Because someone who is divorced has shown through their actions that they believe divorce is the solution to marital problems.  They resign themselves to accepting divorce.

I don't think anyone goes into a marriage with the idea of getting divorced. I do agree that divorce is too easy for people these days. I also don't think you're as crazy as everyone lets on here.

Nevertheless, you seem to make very black and white statements to an unbelievably difficult institution, and one that has way too much grey in it. Faith is good, and needed in all situations, but it is not the end all be all to determine an outcome.

It's no different than prizefighters.  As long as they are undefeated, mentally they don't know how to lose.  After that first loss, it takes a mental toll on them, and they "know how to lose" after that, and they never fight with the same determination in the face of adversity as they did when they were undefeated.

It doesn't matter how long they were undefeated, or why they lost, or what circumstances lead to their defeat.  The only thing that matters is that they lost - and mentally, they are never the same again.

Again you make statements as absolutes. I know for myself, when I was an athlete competing in sports, losing was something that made me stronger mentality. It taught me to accept things as they were, and to improve myself so that I could decreased the chance of it happening again.

So yes, mentality you're never the same in defeat. But you seem to think of it as a negative. I look at it as an opportunity to understand myself better and improve.   

[southernX]

Quote
Quote from: Bee Farmer on December 15, 2012, 10:32:15 PM

    ...It's ridiculous for all these DIVORCED guys to tell Aloe that she is depressed, or that she needs to seek professional help.  (Are any of these guy even qualified to diagnose a medical condition like depression?) 


Why should one's marital status have any bearing at all on this?
Because someone who is divorced has shown through their actions that they believe divorce is the solution to marital problems.  They resign themselves to accepting divorce.

bee farmer ,
your a drivel poster with comments like that above
what a load of narrow minded crap you are typing

clearly you are over 80 with 60 years of happy marriage to one caring loving wife  & you both dote on each other , 
SX

[mies]

It's ridiculous for all these DIVORCED guys to tell Aloe that she is depressed, or that she needs to seek professional help.  (Are any of these guy even qualified to diagnose a medical condition like depression?)  Why is everyone blaming her?  You are only reinforcing her negative thoughts.  This is about establishing goals, priorities, and responsibilities within the marriage partnership.

My point exactly...

Aloe, are you familiar with Marina Orlova?  Only took her 3 years to become a millionaire...working from home.

Dear Віктор Андрійович (since our ex-president is also known to be a bee farmer, let me call you that), I am a woman, married, first marriage. I too think that Aloe is depressed, that she needs professional help, and that she needs to reduce the influence of her husband on her self-esteem, mood and psyche, and minimize his presence in her life if she is not resilient or strong enough to withstand his behavior.

Oh, also i disagree with your logical construct:
"I used force against the woman, I am a good guy, hence using the physical force against women is also justified because other guys who do it also must be good guys who had no other choice."

Do I need to explain to you where your logic is flawed, or you can see it yourself?
Somehow you managed to comprehend the part from Aloe's post where she tells what her husband did, but failed to notice the part of the very same post where she explains in response to what her husband did this. Very typical for abusers "selective memory/attention."

As for Ms. Orlova - let's see who's talking here! Mr. Brin? Is this you? Or.. sorry.. I must have mistaken you with someone else. How many millions did you earn in the past several years and didn't need to leave your home for this, nor did you need to be fluent in the language of your country of residence?

[mies]

When such casual responsibilties in a family, like cleaning and helping with the dishes become gigantic mountains to climb... When a young person receiving the opportunity to study and learn while another is taking care of all material things....

 Leelou, here is a quote from internet: "Fatigue is a frequent physical symptom of depression. It isn't made up - it's real, and it can be quite severe. A simple task like rinsing off dirty dishes can seem to be more effort than it's worth."
I spoke with people who went through the experience of clinical depression. According to them, even getting out of the bed in the morning was a gigantic mountain to climb, so little was their interest in the day that was ahead of them.
I am not trying to be the amateur psychologists, but there are certain clinical conditions that need to be taken care of by professionals with medical degree, not ridiculed by forum members.
It is not kind to be telling a person in distress "this is all your fault and you must change yourself." I agree, that only Aloe can change her life, no one will do this for her. But I disagree about the methods. Instead of thinking "if I am beaten every day, that means I am a bad person and I need to strive to be a better person and please my beater and make him happy, then and only then maybe he will stop beating me." much simpler solution is to walk away from an abusive partner. Here I am speaking metaphorically, because no one (yet) is beating Aloe. But I believe this is a good example to express my viewpoint on the issue.

[Bee Farmer]

Tell you what, when you've been happily married for, say, 10 years, come back and preach as much as you want. It'll still probably be bollocks but at least you'll have some real experience to draw on that will give you a smidgen of credibility

That is the mentality of someone who disregards someone standing beside a snow and ice covered roadway holding a sign telling people how to drive smart to avoid wrecking.  Those who disregard wisdom from any source, foolishly suffer the avoidable consequences.

Nevertheless, you seem to make very black and white statements to an unbelievably difficult institution, and one that has way too much grey in it. Faith is good, and needed in all situations, but it is not the end all be all to determine an outcome.

Just because marriage and relationships are a difficult institution does not mean that they are not understandable.  A lack of understanding makes it seem even more difficult.

Perhaps the solution is for people to educate themselves, so marriage will not seem so difficult.

For an international forum focused largely on relationships with partners who speak different verbal languages, and the challenges they face - why aren't people looking at the language barriers people face in love languages?  It causes a LOT of problems in relationships when partners try to communicate their love in a way that is not the love language their partner uses.  They know they love their partner, but they don't know how to make their partner feel loved.  If not corrected, the relationship falls apart.  Instead of learning why they were unable to communicate effectively, some people just chalk it up to 'you live and you learn'.

There are supposed to be 5 different love languages - ways of communicating love.  While all 5 ways are important in a relationship, normally only one area is what really makes a person feel truly loved.  The solution is not to try to find someone who communicates love in exactly the same love language you do - the solution is to learn what your partner needs to feel loved, and then start showing them love in the way they need.

The 5 love languages:
Words of Affirmation
Acts of Service
Receiving Gifts
Quality Time
Physical Touch

Oh, also i disagree with your logical construct:
"I used force against the woman, I am a good guy, hence using the physical force against women is also justified because other guys who do it also must be good guys who had no other choice."

Hi mies,
I disagree with your logical construct too, as I can not figure out where you made up with it.
The proper logical construct:
A woman physically assaulted me.  In my anger, I used physical aggression to subdue the woman in self defense.  I was rough, and I know I hurt her when I grabbed her wrists and pinned her arms.  It was not the correct way to handle the situation.  I cared about the woman, and I regretted responding to the situation the way that I did, and I resolved never to act that way again.

I do not claim to be a good guy - I try to be decent, and I allow my actions to speak so that others can decide if I am a good guy or not.  I admit that I did not handle a situation the correct way - and I changed my behavior.  While being physically aggressive towards a woman is a warning sign, the real question is if the man regrets it and changes his conduct and it is a one time situation, or is it a situation where the man uses physical aggression regularly as a way to undermine and dominate a woman?

As for Ms. Orlova - let's see who's talking here! Mr. Brin? Is this you? Or.. sorry.. I must have mistaken you with someone else. How many millions did you earn in the past several years and didn't need to leave your home for this, nor did you need to be fluent in the language of your country of residence?

No, I am not Sergei Brin or Marina Orlova, but I do aspire to achieve some of the financial success they have achieved.  I am not a millionaire YET, but I am on track.

Economic opportunity exists for anyone who is willing to look for it, and is willing to learn ways of overcoming obstacles.  Working from home and language is NOT an impassable obstacle.  It only keeps people tied down if they choose to allow it to stop them.  If they are determined and persevere, they will succeed.  They may not become millionaires like Orlova or a billionaire like Brin, but they can achieve a reasonable level of financial comfort.

Commercial beekeepers often bring in foreigners on work visas to help in beekeeping operations.  Honeybees don't care what language you speak.

Mathematics is the same in any country.  You can be a technical analyst and trade stocks at home without needing to be fluent in a different spoken language.

I used to work for others.  The last job I was an employee who punched a time clock was as a journeyman machinist until the factory closed down the machine shop.  I have worked for myself ever since, and I think I have the best job.
I have built up a decent beekeeping operation.  Other than dealing with customers at the point of sale, spoken language proficiency is not needed.
I produce some heirloom seeds, and sell them online.  Once again, other than point of sale, verbal language is not necessary.
I do some investing - once again, language is not a big barrier.
I've even been known to make a few YouTube videos as a hobby - and YouTube pays me a portion of advertising revenues of the ads displayed beside my videos.  I decided to try to copy Marina Orlova's success - I'm not as pretty as she is, which explains why I only made $50 this month in ad revenue.  It's a hobby for me, but if someone had ambition, they could turn it into a way to make some money, especially if they were a good looking girl.  Spoken language fluency is not necessary - you can make videos in Russian, targeting a Russian audience and still make money from them.

Many people work from home by having their own website, and they learn how to monetize it and they make decent money.

Technology is to the point that if someone wants to earn money from home, they have that ability even if they do not speak a language very well.  If they have a native speaker who will help them in the areas where speaking proficiency helps them more, then that will only make it easier for them to make money from home.

I'm not suggesting that everyone will become a millionaire like Marina Orlova within 3 years working from home.  But I do suggest that anyone who tries working from does have the opportunity to earn decent money, especially if they have someone to help them in areas they aren't as good at.

[mies]

A woman physically assaulted me.  In my anger, I used physical aggression to subdue the woman in self defense.  I was rough, and I know I hurt her when I grabbed her wrists and pinned her arms.

How exactly this example applies to the Aloe's story? Did she tell us that that she ever physically assaulted her husband? Do you have any reasons to suspect she did?
Then how do you get from the statement "it was wrong, but justifiable that I hurt her" to "Aloe's husband may also had reasons to hurt Aloe" and to "men who hurt women may have their reasons to do so" and from there "if a man hurt woman, maybe he had a reason to do it."

No, I am not Sergei Brin or Marina Orlova, but I do aspire to achieve some of the financial success they have achieved.  I am not a millionaire YET, but I am on track.

and what makes you think that Aloe is not on the millionaire track already? The fact that she is modest and you are so self-confident? Do you know how many self-confident losers are in this world? 

[mies]

.

[newjason]

Aloe

I had the opportunity to spend a few days with probably the most amazing human being I have ever met before.
I met him at the air port and we instantly hit it off. I was able switch seats on the plane so we could continue our conversations.

About a week later we got in touch and decided to hang out.
I believe This man can help you significantly.
His name is Nick.
Here is a video of him doing what he does.

I urge you to at the very least watch this video.

[Aloe]

how about you stop cleaning? would that help you to feel better? Assume, for a week, that it is not your responsibility to do this. And don't do this. Try not to feel guilty about it because it's not your responsibility.Then after a week, re-evaluate how you are feeling.

It is exams time, and i have completely stopped doing any chores under the excuse of having to study. It feels wonderful to have a valid excuse to not do any housework


Actually now that the worst exams are over, i feel 100 times better   

[Aloe]

I think it's the studying that gets me down. I've been feeling so much better lately now that lessons are over and the worst exams are over.. Still don't know anything about my life, but at least i feel better 

[Aloe]

Aloe

I had the opportunity to spend a few days with probably the most amazing human being I have ever met before.
I met him at the air port and we instantly hit it off. I was able switch seats on the plane so we could continue our conversations.

About a week later we got in touch and decided to hang out.
I believe This man can help you significantly.
His name is Nick.
Here is a video of him doing what he does.

I urge you to at the very least watch this video.

When i feel bad about myself, thinking of the less fortunate does not make me feel better at all, it makes me feel even worse about being an ungrateful bastard But it is indeed impressive, how he seems so happy. I read a few articles about happiness. That it's a skill, and etc, i think i'm changing my negative ways a little..

[Aloe]

For the first time in my 4 years here, there is real snow in Belgium that didn't melt the next day!! It's so nice. I've been very pleased   

[Aloe]

And as far as hubby is concerned, i think i just need to be more strict with him. I've been so nice and laid back and undemanding, that he was running completely wild. Now i started making demands and suddenly he is changing 

[mies]

i think i just need to be more strict with him. 

I think so too 

[newjason]

When i feel bad about myself, thinking of the less fortunate does not make me feel better at all, it makes me feel even worse about being an ungrateful bastard But it is indeed impressive, how he seems so happy. I read a few articles about happiness. That it's a skill, and etc, i think i'm changing my negative ways a little..

He is an amazing human being and he chooses to love life.
He is a riot to be near, his positive attitude and outlook are something he has in has heart and his soul.

Get out side and build a snow person and an igloo.
post pics
Snow days rule 

[2tallbill]

So, as some here may know, hubby is addicted to one online video game. It makes me sad and miserable, and attention and quality time starved. I hate feeling like this. Bottom line, I want hubby to quit playing. He doesn't wanna. What to do?

So, any ideas how to convince hubby to quit playing without provoking his stubbornness?

Talk to him, that's all you can do now.

NOTE to Newbies I woke up this old thread for you. BEFORE you get married, you need to have
18000 conversations about everything under the son. Aloe and her husband didn't have a conversation
about conflicts and/or conflict resolution. Now in this part of her marriage she is asking mostly strangers
at the forum how to deal with this.

She and her hubby should of had a conversation about what happens if there is a disagreement?
She is miserable and needs attention. If you can do anything, learn from this.

I  know a man who went to the FSU, married a woman with a teenage son AND they never had a
conversation about rules, parenting, discipline or any number of things. They are divorced because
they both assumed that everything would work out with a spoiled Russian teenage boy.

What a bunch of morons. Learn from this, talk about everything especially children, relatives,
potential conflicts, pet peeves. TALK IT TO DEATH IN ADVANCE TO GETTING MARRIED!!
Make a list go over the list. Make another list lather, rinse and repeat.

Screw up your marriage some other way, but not talking about something like conflicts is
moronic. 100% of marriages have conflicts. Why don't you talk about it ahead of time?
Are there any ground rules or do you go straight to pistols at dawn? Make ground rules
Lather, rinse and repeat

Having these conversations with a woman will prove that you are serious.

Udachi!

Bill