How to get hubby to get rid of an addiction?

[newjason]

Aloe  hey 

Firstly, I'd like to know how skilled you are becoming on that piano?

wanna do a duet?
 I have this totally awesome arrangement where I've mashed up bits of the Nutcracker
and sprinkled it all over In the house of the mountain king.   
Sound like fun ?  lol

Anyway,  here is this crux.
You can't make anyone do anything.
(well you can, but that may involve Domme Aloe)
He spends his time enjoying this game, I would bet he get's some sense of fuffulment and feels like he belongs because he is needed, and if he should pause, People Could DIE!   That's some serious shit.
So i'm thinking he takes this pretty seriously and we could analize the reasons till the cows come home or someone Dies. Either way, It is not going to stop anytime soon.
You see, that ( and I am guessing ) is his "escape' or " happy place"
That's his  "thing"
your "thing" is what you find yourself spending most of your time on this planet doing.
Some folks thing is drinking.
Other folks thing is singing.
Some even jump off cliffs.
Some people can change their thing.
Some can't.
your thing is what brings you to your happy.
we would love for our spouse to be into our thing.
But a lot of times , they have their own thing, and we are not interested in that.
The best we can hope for, is having our spouse at least aknowledge our thing.

What is your thing Aloe?

how long are you going to wait to go do your thing.

you gotta go do your thing, you can't make someone do it with you.
People either want to or they don't.
But that can't stop you from doing your own thing.

If you are lucky, you will find many "things"  you love to do.

I love flying, but also love, jamming, cooking, and visiting.
I love to paint too.
Like this weekend,
I turned off my phone,
locked myself inside,
Turned the music up loud,
and Painted portraits of Jimi Hendrix.

It was freaking great!

so, what I am saying is, forget about making him quit his thing, and go do your thing and see what happens.

[Patagonie]

Aloe
I like what Jason told you.
Having spend long time beside an addicted
i have realized that trying to change him was useless. I have changed myseld and focus on my life. Believe me the addicted changed.
Focus on you and try to find happinness. Focus on interests which make you feel good.

[Anotherkiwi]

Aloe  hey 

Firstly, I'd like to know how skilled you are becoming on that piano?

Me too.
 

...I love to paint too.
Like this weekend,
I turned off my phone,
locked myself inside,
Turned the music up loud,
and Painted portraits of Jimi Hendrix.

It was freaking great!

No, it was freaking weird!  Jimi Hendrix?  Nah...

[Aloe]

Sounds to me that the real problem is much deeper than the online game. Kudos to you, Aloe - I've always admired how you have the guts to share your troubles here.
 
You already seem to know that any attempt to curtail his time with the game is going to produce confrontation, resentment and argument. Without knowing too much more about your homelife than my fading memory allows, is it not likely that getting him to shut down the game (against his will) might only open up another time-consuming habit of his? One that might also cut deeply into your quality time together?
 
All kinds of novel activities come to mind: cooking classes, dancing lessons, backpacking, evening courses at the local college, a hobby (like photography) that you both could share ~ any of these could help to reduce his time online ~ and create more bonding time for the two of you. Should you meet with resistance, then a more proactive approach - like the travel/study ideas you've mentioned - could be the catalyst you need for change.

Thanks. Sharing my feelings isn't difficult for me, even with strangers. I'm open like that. Kinda suffering from it now with the college girls i have to do group work with. I end up feeling like an idiot telling them how i feel, and them not saying anything in reply. Bah. But ok, that's off-topic. I hear it's a Belgian thing. Hubby says (and tv shows show ) that people from Holland are also straightforward like me, unlike Belgians. (Is that true, Shadow )


I don't know what other hobby he would have. The two years he didn't play this evil online game, he played offline games which was so much better, considering you can always put it on pause, unlike an online game.


Those novel activities you suggested sound really awesome to me, but hubby says he already has too much on his plate to do anything else. (He works 4 days a week and on 2 evenings he has evening school). I wonder when school is over, if he will agree to do anything else.

[Shadow]

Thanks. Sharing my feelings isn't difficult for me, even with strangers. I'm open like that. Kinda suffering from it now with the college girls i have to do group work with. I end up feeling like an idiot telling them how i feel, and them not saying anything in reply. Bah. But ok, that's off-topic. I hear it's a Belgian thing. Hubby says (and tv shows show ) that people from Holland are also straightforward like me, unlike Belgians. (Is that true, Shadow )


I don't know what other hobby he would have. The two years he didn't play this evil online game, he played offline games which was so much better, considering you can always put it on pause, unlike an online game.


Those novel activities you suggested sound really awesome to me, but hubby says he already has too much on his plate to do anything else. (He works 4 days a week and on 2 evenings he has evening school). I wonder when school is over, if he will agree to do anything else.

In general Dutch are more outspoken and direct. Not up to Russian level, but we are getting there. On the down side, the national Dutch sport it telling how bad everything is.... while we still belong to the happiest people in Europe.

[Aloe]

Aloe, I don't know why you call it an addiction? He prefers his online gaming to being with you. it is just a choice.....it makes him happy and he enjoys it. Does he miss work to play his game? Does he not eat to play his game? Does he miss a lot of sleep to play his game? If not, it is fun for him and it gives him pleasure.
I am sorry you have made a bad choice. Can't change the past, only can control your future. Hope you the best in the nearest future!!

That's a good question, is it even an addiction? He doesn't miss work to play his game. He does let me eat alone sometimes cuz he's too busy playing. I say dinner is ready but he can't come if he is in a group, then i just eat alone or wait for him if it's not too long. He misses some sleep, but not a lot. Like a couple of hours on sundays.

[Aloe]

Ok lets give a try at a more in-depth answer without once again trying Aloe to get divorced as seems to be the trend here.
As for being qualified in this field, I am one of the owners of a game community (unsure if we include the one Aloe's hubby plays) which means that I regularly face addicted teens or young adults, who seem to spend way too much time on the community. Some manage to reach an average of 10 hours daily, so if I say way too much time I mean it.
I recall that Aloe played this game some time ago together with her hubby, it was one of the common interests when they met. Where Aloe has changed interests (do you both have a PC or only 1?) her hubby has remained with the game, and seems to lose himself in to it.

Whenever we get a signal that someone is neglecting their RL in favour of playing, we make it clear that RL should always come first. Spending time on your family and duties has preference to playing games, the game playing is for when time is left.

Hubby will consider the time he spends at the game as 'time left' as he can not think of something better. On the other hand Aloe, having passed the passiong for the game, now feels this is taking time away from other things.

The question Aloe should ask herself is what alternative hubby has from playing his game. Does she give him reason to put the PC aside and pursue other things ? After all if his alternative for staring at the screen is sitting and staring at Aloe he will get tired quickly, however lovely Aloe is to stare at.
Now are there things you could explore and do together at the times he is playing, or is it just that you are now unhappy he still is following something you are no longer interested in ?

The only way to let him get rid of his gaming is for him to have an alternative that is more attractive. If spending time together in a mutual new activity is not something you both strive for, its not going to work.

Yes you can still travel the world and try different places. But some day soon you will find that after that you long back to having someone to do nothing with.  You may then find a new hubby, or you may find there are many lesser alternatives around as what you had.

Right now you know what hubby you have, and I think by now you can predict how he will develop in the future.  If that is not the life you wish to look back on when you are 50, consider changing. But remember that one day you may feel you threw away something you can not retrieve.

Your hubby will drop his gaming if he finds something he is more interested in. It is up to you to find how to offer that.

That's a very good post. What will this playing be replaced with? Well, whatever i offer is no good, so i dont know.. He said it himself, if he would do anything (like from the evening courses), it would be study french, but then i say ok, let's go do french, and he says he's too busy now, and when school is over next year he needs a year to rest so no french then either. So i dunno how to get him to do anything else. He doesn't wanna go out of the house. He says this game is the only place he gets to socialize, but he rejects any socializing opportunities in real life.


And you don't have to tell me that if i let my hubby go, i might never find someone as good. This is my greatest fear. I always think about it.

[Aloe]

http://www.olganon.org/?q=forum/3


There. Have a look around, see how much it fits, may be things are better than you think.

Great site, thanks


Not long ago i said to hubby: if we have kids, there will be no gaming in front of them. He said no problem, i'll just play when they go to bed.
That leaves me with the question, what do you do when kids go to bed? Are you too exhausted to do anything, or do you still spend some quality time together? Cuz if he starts gaming instead of quality time, that's no solution either...

[Aloe]

Don't have any time left, i'll reply to the rest of the posts later.

[Shadow]

Great site, thanks


Not long ago i said to hubby: if we have kids, there will be no gaming in front of them. He said no problem, i'll just play when they go to bed.
That leaves me with the question, what do you do when kids go to bed? Are you too exhausted to do anything, or do you still spend some quality time together? Cuz if he starts gaming instead of quality time, that's no solution either...

What do you call quality time ?

[Gator]

In general Dutch are more outspoken and direct.

I recall the Dutch (actually a Frisian) explaining why they wear high collared shirts - to hide their stiff wooden necks.

[Anotherkiwi]

...And you don't have to tell me that if i let my hubby go, i might never find someone as good. This is my greatest fear. I always think about it.

Aloe, that's rubbish and you should know it.  There are millions of single people available in the world right now, many of whom would be a wonderful match for you.  The hard part is finding them.  For crying out loud, you're only in your mid-twenties!  What about us old fogeys who have to look in the FSU because there's nobody available at home? 
 
And how do you define "good?"  Based on your posts here, especially in the last year or so, "good" is not how I would describe your relationship, and certainly not how I would describe your husband.
 
From what you have written, he's a control freak with no social skills whatsoever, who ignores a beautiful young wife in favour of on-line gaming, and actually assaulted you when you had the nerve to complain.  He's commandeered the car which your parents gave to you (from your post last week about not having a car available I'm guessing that he now doesn't let you drive it at all), but in any case leaves the house only for work.  I don't give a toss that he's a "healer" and that people die if he leaves the game for a nano-second - the people in the game are not real!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  What is real is that he has a family (you) now, and he is totally ignoring the responsibilities that come with marriage.
 
I know that I have been pretty selfish over the years (and still am, to some extent), but there's no way that I would behave like him in this situation.  I honestly don't think there's a future together for you unless something incredibly shocking happens to make your husband realise that there is more to life than a computer screen.
 
Can't he see how desperately unhappy he is making you?  You have been more than open on this forum, and with your classmates, and you've written in the past that you've tried talking to him about it and have been ignored.  I don't care that you think he's basically a very nice guy - maybe, but I think he's a conceited jerk who doesn't deserve to have a relationship with anyone, let alone someone as intelligent and erudite as yourself who feels that she has to get some sort of catharsis by venting on an internet forum to thousand of people that she doesn't know!  He has no idea of how much time he has caused people to waste on here, because many of us seem to spend so much time trying to find some solution to your problem - but he is the only person who can fix this.
 
If he won't budge, why should you waste any more of your time with him?  I would not normally advocate divorce to anyone where I don't know all the facts (and I'm sure there's plenty of other stuff that would be relevant), but I've been reading your posts for a couple of years and I honestly can't see where else this is going.  Staying with him is going to drive you nuts, and your happiness is worth far more than some sense of loyalty to a relationship which seems terminal to this outsider.

[BC]

And you don't have to tell me that if i let my hubby go, i might never find someone as good. This is my greatest fear. I always think about it.

Aloe,

Anotherkiwi is right.  This is rubbish.

You do mention 'as good' though.. what do you define as 'good' in your relationship?

[ML]

I think Aloe knows more about  this than any of us.

If she worries she might not find anyone as good as her current man; then I think there is a lot of truth in it.

Remember that she, like all the rest of us, has only told us the parts of the story that she wants to.

She has perhaps, again like all the rest of us, over sold the negatives and under sold the positives of her man.

I think it is a terrible thing to be advocating that someone split from their spouse or LT partner based on their ramblings on an anonymous message board.

[LAman]

I think Aloe knows more about  this than any of us.

If she worries she might not find anyone as good as her current man; then I think there is a lot of truth in it.

Remember that she, like all the rest of us, has only told us the parts of the story that she wants to.

She has perhaps, again like all the rest of us, over sold the negatives and under sold the positives of her man.

I think it is a terrible thing to be advocating that someone split from their spouse or LT partner based on their ramblings on an anonymous message board.

You are right ML, I remember one time Aloe mentioned that everything else about her marriage is good except for the online gaming.....she shares only about that aspect.  I still think her hubby only chooses to do what is important for himself.......and Aloe is low on that list. There is work.....there is school.....there is gaming......possible french classes........oh, some rest........then maybe some time, if any leftover, for Aloe.
It is ...what it is......
I always tell everyone......happiness is very important!!!

[Anotherkiwi]

I think Aloe knows more about  this than any of us.

Of course.

If she worries she might not find anyone as good as her current man; then I think there is a lot of truth in it.

Sorry, but I don't buy this.  "Good" men don't assault their wives.

Remember that she, like all the rest of us, has only told us the parts of the story that she wants to.

She has perhaps, again like all the rest of us, over sold the negatives and under sold the positives of her man.

No argument with this BUT, for me, the overall tenor of her posts is just way beyond what I would expect anyone to put up with.

I think it is a terrible thing to be advocating that someone split from their spouse or LT partner based on their ramblings on an anonymous message board.

If I thought for one moment that Aloe was "jerking our chains" then I wouldn't even have posted anything.  This has been going on since before I became a member, and every single post in that time has been totally consistent in her descriptions of his behaviour.  Again, he may be the most wonderful guy in the world for the ten minutes a day when he's not eating, sleeping, going to work or playing this on-line game, BUT he's deliberately ignoring the fact that he's married.
 
And, by the way, what happens to all the people that he needs to heal in this game when he's sleeping, or at work, or going to the toilet, etc, etc, etc?  Does the game come to a crashing halt just because he's not there?  NO!!!!!  If he can leave it for those reasons, he can sure as hell leave it to spend time with the wife who obviously still loves him enough to stay around.

[TheTraveler]

He has no idea of how much time he has caused people to waste on here, because many of us seem to spend so much time trying to find some solution to your problem - but he is the only person who can fix this.
 

really?

you don't think aloe's hubby reads her threads?

i just figured he does.  maybe aloe could clear that up for the forum.

[Gator]

 
And, by the way, what happens to all the people that he needs to heal in this game when he's sleeping, or at work, or going to the toilet, etc, etc, etc?  Does the game come to a crashing halt just because he's not there?  NO!!!!!  If he can leave it for those reasons, he can sure as hell leave it to spend time with the wife who obviously still loves him enough to stay around.

I do not know these video games.  How many people participate in such a game?  Hubby is the "healer," who are the other players?  I would think that the  number of players is relatively small - a tight family.  I would love to see a social profile and photo of the family of players.  And then ask hubby why is he more attentive to these strangers than to his caring wife. Repeat - why is he more attentive to these strangers than to his caring wife?  It seems self-centered and unloving to me, even self-destructive.  Sick!

[Shadow]

I do not know these video games.  How many people participate in such a game?  Hubby is the "healer," who are the other players?  I would think that the  number of players is relatively small - a tight family.  I would love to see a social profile and photo of the family of players.  And then ask hubby why is he more attentive to these strangers than to his caring wife. Repeat - why is he more attentive to these strangers than to his caring wife?  It seems self-centered and unloving to me, even self-destructive.  Sick!

Gator, what I guess the game is World of Warcraft. In such game players bond tigether in guilds, and go on missions to find food and riches, as well as fight other groups. Not exactly my cup of tea, but it has millions of players and is making huge money.
At the course I did last year there were two guys who found they both played. About every break was filled with stories abot their adventures, which to an outsider sounded very weird.

The friendship bonds between people who never met except through gaming can be as strong as any. Also if hubby would instead be paying football and drink with his buddies in a pub it would cost alot more and probably not make Aloe any happier.

Now it may be strange but perhaps Aloe could take up ballroom dancing. Hubby will have to choose between knowing she is out there with other men, or joining in..

[Gator]

Gator, what I guess the game is World of Warcraft. In such game players bond tigether in guilds, and go on missions to find food and riches, as well as fight other groups. Not exactly my cup of tea, but it has millions of players and is making huge money.
At the course I did last year there were two guys who found they both played. About every break was filled with stories abot their adventures, which to an outsider sounded very weird.

The friendship bonds between people who never met except through gaming can be as strong as any. Also if hubby would instead be paying football and drink with his buddies in a pub it would cost alot more and probably not make Aloe any happier.

Now it may be strange but perhaps Aloe could take up ballroom dancing. Hubby will have to choose between knowing she is out there with other men, or joining in..

Most explanatory and insightful post of the thread     Says it all.
 
Rather than ballroom dancing I suggest Latin dancing where the men have machismo and the music is sexual.  Hubby won't have a chance.

[Faux Pas]

Gator, what I guess the game is World of Warcraft. In such game players bond tigether in guilds, and go on missions to find food and riches, as well as fight other groups. Not exactly my cup of tea, but it has millions of players and is making huge money.
At the course I did last year there were two guys who found they both played. About every break was filled with stories abot their adventures, which to an outsider sounded very weird.

The friendship bonds between people who never met except through gaming can be as strong as any. Also if hubby would instead be paying football and drink with his buddies in a pub it would cost alot more and probably not make Aloe any happier.

Now it may be strange but perhaps Aloe could take up ballroom dancing. Hubby will have to choose between knowing she is out there with other men, or joining in..

Perhaps it's a generational gap but, I just ain't buying it. If he was hanging out with his buddies at the pub at least he'd be involved in some form of "human" interaction which has to be significantly better than staring at a screen with controls in your hand, all day everyday  while the young nubile wife's frustration continues to grow.

Granted this is from Aloe's descriptions but, I feel she's been completely truthful. She's already considered leaving and what her life might be like if she does. She is beginning to take steps that hubby at some point won't be able to turn back.

I realize you make your bones on this stuff shadow but, you can't see this type behavior as healthy do you?

[CDW]

So, as some here may know, hubby is addicted to one online video game. It makes me sad and miserable, and attention and quality time starved. I hate feeling like this. Bottom line, I want hubby to quit playing. He doesn't wanna. What to do?

Was he already an online games addiction when you first meet him?  If so, then you are also have yourself to blame.

If he starts becoming an addiction after you have met him, try to sort out why the relationships went wrong.  And ask him what really makes him happy, and you must remember that all men do have feelings.  You cannot expect him to make you happy only.  The relationships meed to work in both ways and make yourself and him happy.

[Faux Pas]

Was he already an online games addiction when you first meet him?  If so, then you are also have yourself to blame.

Really?   

[CDW]

Really?   

Yes, because she already knew he is an addiction when she met him so why start complaining now ???

 (that's only if she was already an addiction)

If not, then it will be a different case

[Shadow]

Perhaps it's a generational gap but, I just ain't buying it. If he was hanging out with his buddies at the pub at least he'd be involved in some form of "human" interaction which has to be significantly better than staring at a screen with controls in your hand, all day everyday  while the young nubile wife's frustration continues to grow.

Granted this is from Aloe's descriptions but, I feel she's been completely truthful. She's already considered leaving and what her life might be like if she does. She is beginning to take steps that hubby at some point won't be able to turn back.

I realize you make your bones on this stuff shadow but, you can't see this type behavior as healthy do you?

To be honest it is more a money pit as making anything at the time.
And yes, it is a generation thing, a currently people have the ability to meet others from all over the world and discuss as well as form friendships with them, even if there is little chance they ever meet in reality.