How to get hubby to get rid of an addiction?

[teaholic]

Teaholic, welcome to our forum.
 
Tell us a bit more about yourself. For instance, it would appear from the above highlighted bit in your sentence that you are a woman . Correct?

Hi Sandro, and thanks!  . Yes, I'm a 32-year-old woman of Russian background. I've been living in the US for 20 years.  I'm also married to a FSUM who's been in the US about 10 years.

[Aloe]

B). Be very careful and cautious about higher education!  Education in America is broken and is ruining a lot of people's lives here.  I see that you are in Europe, so it is probably different there, but be careful!

What do you mean exactly? I'm very curious.

[Aloe]

Aloe, if it helps for you to post your thoughts here! Do it! even if the advice or comments are not what you want and need. Looks to me like, everyone here is on your side. So for now if all you need is and ear.
Post away. Some of the advice may work for you and some may not.
But if you get a little help, getting through this, great.

One thing to remember, don't let him or anyone, devalue you! That tends to grow.
Can and will make you less strong. I have not read all your posts, I am new here.
But from this thread, many say your beautiful and I am seeing you right, would guess smart girl.
You are growing and he is not! you realize games are not life and there is much more.
He might catch on, maybe not. But don't get lost in it! Take what you need here to stay strong.

The time will come when you have to talk to him and make him realize, what is happening!
Prepare yourself, do not feel guilty for what is honest and in your heart.
Sounds like you love him, but you fear if this continues, it will turn to hate.
Don't  let it get that far and more important, stick to your beliefs.
Life truly is short and meant to be lived!

Thanks


He doesn't normally devalue me.. MM. I think i devalue myself. And when we argue he occasionally lets me know i'm lazy, but that's true. So not really a devaluation.

[Aloe]

aloe

my wife is a huggy person,  so am i !!  "obeyateya "   is very good for you and happens often in our place , at any time for any reason .plenty of people like to be hugged , you hubby it seems is not one of them ,

it seems  from your posts although you love hubby in some areas your not compatible , but others maybe ??

question is as im curious ,
how many hours does he work each week each day ??
does he have to study as well as this work ??
how many hours are you working or studying each day or week ??
how much free time do each of you have to spend or give to each other ??
what does he do for work ?? does it fit this at all ?

He works about 8 hours a day 4 days a week currently. On the 2 days he has school he goes straight from work to school and comes home at around 10 pm. When he doesn't have school it's a normal 8 hour work day, plus 20 minutes commute.
My studies are about 22 hours a week, so i'm home a lot.
So on a non-school day we have since 5.30 pm until 11 pm, usually spent eating and playing the rest of the night. Occasionally a movie on tv. Seems like plenty of time


He's a programmer.

if you are at home all day or large portions of the day every day , and you are a person who naturally likes to be close to your man [what fsu woman doesnt ?]  he might be suffocated a little by it ? im assuming from the time he comes home you want his company close with you ??  many men just like to have some time to unwind and relax , not be immediatly required to give more on arriving at home . 

I don't mind, but you don't have to keep playing the entire evening to unwind do you

this may help you to understand him alittle better, not saying this is the case , he also it seems he  needs to understand your needs and drivers, and make an effort to participate with you , even when he doesnt want to .

id suggest you both need to have  good long discusion about what you are both needing and getting  from the marriage at present , look for some areas to compromise in , there will be some from both sides if your seriuos about staying with each other .

I explained multiple times what i feel i need, so i think he knows it, but he just likes to play and doesn't think we can afford the other things.

at the end of the day , no one should live their life through another person , this wont make you happy or fullfilled
each person needs to have positive things in their  life that makes them happy and gives them a sense of purpose to go forward each day !! 

Yes i know that now. When i was 18 i was looking for a man to show me the world and to teach me about it. Now i realize i should find my own happiness in something. Just don't know in what? Right now getting out of bed is a feat requiring gigantic effort, because there is NOTHING i'm looking forward to. It's heavy.

[Aloe]

Hi Aloe,

I'm a new poster, but I've been lurking off and on for a while.  Independent of the (possible) addiction, I have some thoughts that may be applicable to your situation.

From my personal experience and observations, it seems that young women have a tendency to stay too long in their first serious/long-term relationship.  There may be multiple reasons for this, but one is the ideal of "happily ever after" and the expectation that the first serious man be "the one", otherwise things are somehow already not going according to plan.  I remember thinking (at 21 or so) that if things didn't work out with my then-bf, nothing would ever work out because "I don't believe in multiple soulmates" and if I loved him, how could I ever find love again with anyone else?  Maybe this is not your case, but I think for one reason or another, young women tend to put too much emphasis on the commitment aspect of their first serious relationship, sometimes regardless of what the substance of the relationship is actually like.  Somehow crossing that psychological boundary and accepting that things may not be perfect the first time ("the first pancake is a lump) and that you may have to try again (at building a new long-term relationship) is quite hard. 

I am not suggesting you should immediately get divorced (in any case, I wouldn't recommend that until you have some clarity regarding your citizenship).  I am just suggesting that you take a long, hard look at the substance of your relationship, leaving aside for the time being the commitment, your ideals that marriage should be forever, your idea that you'll have failed at love if you get divorced, etc. (if any of this applies).

Hi teaholic
No i'm not idealistic like that. I dont know why i'm hanging around. Probably because of indecisiveness, low self-esteem, fears and laziness   

[Aloe]

Honestly i am having troubles assessing my relationship. He seems like a great guy, but everyone here says his actions speak otherwise. And sometimes i get the feeling that we only do what he wants and that he doesn't make enough effort to do what i want. But i am having troubles deciding if this feeling has any ground.

[Aloe]

I would also agree (from the admittedly one-sided and limited info available on this forum) with whoever suggested above that you don't have a relationship, at least as I would define it.  Just because you live together and both call it a relationship doesn't mean it is one.  To me, these aspects seem to be missing:

- communicating on a regular basis about thoughts and feelings.  Sounds like you are mainly the one doing this with little reciprocity, and it seems to be falling on deaf ears.  There should be a desire on each side to share thoughts and feelings with the other person, not because that's what you are supposed to do or because your husband/wife demands attention, but because you WANT to.  There should also be a genuine interest and concern about what the other person is thinking/feeling.

Are there men who do that? Communicate their feelings on a regular basis?

- sharing interests and activities. It shouldn't be the case that the only times you decide to spend "couple time", you end up looking at each other/hugging/cuddling etc. Those are great things, but it shouldn't be that your only way of interacting is either doing mundane chores or "being together" while doing nothing in particular.

Does your husband ever talk to you about his work (beyond just "I'm tired, I need to relax)?  Do you know his dreams, long-term plans (again, aside from the purely pragmatic "we need to pay off this loan" type of stuff)?  Do you tell him about school, what you do/don't like about it, why you are interested in learning?

Another way to look at your marriage:  does your husband ever express that he is happy with you or being married to you? Sometimes it comes across as thOugh he perceives it as a burden of responsibility instead of primarily a joyful and fulfilling thing.

He does say quite often how happy and pleased he is with our marriage. And no he never talks about work. I always ask how was work? He always says it was ok. I have to deduct from his intonation how it really was. There are so many messages 'it was ok' can relay lol. And when i ask to tell me more, he never has anything to say. Except when he solved some problem their entire team was failing to solve for a week, then he tells about it But that's it. I tell him about my school when there is something to tell, but there isn't much to tell either.

[SANDRO43]

Yes, I'm a 32-year-old woman of Russian background. I've been living in the US for 20 years.  I'm also married to a FSUM who's been in the US about 10 years.

Tea, it would then be expedient for you to have your forum profile reflect that information (woman, living in the US, married 20 years) so that it would appear under your avatar .

That would prevent unnecessary questions from other forum members.

[ML]

I tell him about my school when there is something to tell, but there isn't much to tell either.

We have a daily routine when my  Gal comes home from classes.

I sit on sofa, put leg rest up, she lies down on her back with head on my lap.

Then she proceeds to give me a VERY detailed description of her entire day.
She gets very animated when telling about some concept she was able to  understand in class, about her grades on homework, quiz, test, etc.  Throws her hands around,  etc.

She enjoys this very much; and I allow her this enjoyment even as it can get a little tedious for me (but I never ever let this show.)

Then I . . . her . . . and she takes a short nap with a smile on her face.

[SFandEE]

Hi Aloe,


I have read through the thread, especially your posts.


As was stated by i believe by ML you know the situation from your perspective and he from his.


There is also the health of the relationship, the relationship that is legal, personal, and financial. Marriage.


He seems to be mostly fine. You seem to be mostly struggling. I think I read that you have unhappiness, even independent of the relationship challenges. I do not recall that he has concerns for the relationship, that he responds about a future travel, but not immediate due to you the being able to contribute funds. That he is happy, that seems to be a good thing, so how are two people looking at their relationship and seeing different things?

What is his answer to the question how is the health of our relationship? What would it be you think? Do you think that would be a non-threatening, productive start to a conversation. Maybe do your best to just listen, without interrupting or judging. Just listen, maybe ask some questions to pull out more information.


I hope you will hear that he still values and cares for the relationship. I think you still do, even as it is, you want it to be growing more. Your happiness independent of your relationship I believe is primarily on you, he can help, but our happiness is our own.


I did read somewhere that he is not a jealous personality, I know this can be a struggle for some women. Jealous personalities give the impression they are passionate about the other person. That can be true, but it can also be a controlling nature, without love being the core of the jealous behaviors.the key is he must not be indifferent to the relationship, passing time. If it dies, it dies.


I want to cut this off here, but the not jealous quality might be important for the best way to move forward. Find his passion for the relationship, over time or directly, but politically. I recall he wanted you to tan for him, and maybe work out more. I don't remember how that was sorted out. He shouldn't be allowed to ask you to be something you are not or don't want to be, but what is possible to find his passion for the relationship. It would be interesting to know how it is relative to normal and the peak.


Best to you in Belgium from SF.

[teaholic]

Are there men who do that? Communicate their feelings on a regular basis?

Maybe "feelings" gives the wrong impression.  You are right that few men come home and tell their wives, "I'm feeling sad and torn right now because..."  What I meant is, I would think a man in a good, loving relationship would want to share what's on his mind.  For example, he might discuss a situation at work, how he is worried about budget cuts and how that might affect his promotion prospects.  Inherent in this are a lot of feelings, hopes, and fears that will come across to the woman without being spelled out in so many words.  This is just a basic example.  He might mention his relatives or friends, something exciting or worrying he has heard from them and his concerns/thoughts/plans in connection to that.  Basically, he might use his wife as a sounding board and to unburden his mind.

Maybe the men here can help by chiming in as to how typical this type of interaction is.  It has been my experience that the men I know in serious relationships want to do this at least once or twice a week.   

[BC]

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Codependency

[newjason]

I am playing sometimes the first page of moonlight sonata But i cant reach farther than 1 octave, so that makes moonlight sonata impossible to play for me properly Very sad, such madly beautiful piece. Also started Fur elise, but it's a bit confusing! It only has 1 page of sheet music, and obviously you are supposed to repeat some parts, still need to figure out which parts are repeated and how many times, but i can play the beginning


You are right, this game is his thing. And Ranetka is right, before this game he had another addiction that he replaced by playing this game. If i start doing my thing, that means going out and travelling. I am starting to do my thing anyway. I went to see several shows, finally. It is a lot less fun to do alone though Nobody to share what you are thinking or feeling with. Horrible.
I also went on that vacation in September, i went with my family, but i also went on a 2 day trip all by myself. It felt like only half the pleasure, cuz i constantly wanted to turn to someone and say something, share something, cuz i'm excited, but there was nobody. Awful. So this is what it would be like, travelling by myself. I really wish i had someone to share it with.

Don't give up on the piano playing. The short reach will give way to alternate stylings, and that you come to learn one day.

As far as finding someone to share your happiness and wonder while doing your thing,  that is gonna mean finding someone who likes to be outside.  Your spouse will never be into all your things, but you hope that you two have some sort of thing you can do together.
My late wife, bless her heart, was wonderful about this.  I wanted so much for her to be into jumping and flying..  but she just  was not that type of person.  She'd go to book club meetings and that was one of her things.  Personally I'd rather clean a toilet than go to a book club meeting. lol.  She knew that, and  she felt the same way about jumping off of tall buildings.  She'd say, Oh go have good time with your "per shoot" friends and don't get dead today.
I'd smile and say thank you Darling.  and you have fun with the book girls, and don't get dead today either.    she laughed so sweetly.  every time , like it was the first time she heard something  clever. I never realized how ironic that staement was until a year or two after she passed away.
Anyway,  our thing together was playing music. We were both so into that together, it was amazing.  That was our thing.
So, I undertstand how you feel when you say you want to share your thing with someone, that is the coolest feeling.
But, sometimes it's just not possible. That can't stop you from doing your thing though Aloe.  I think when I had to start doing my things alone, well that may have been the point where I started talking to myself....
 
Don't under estimate the power in yourself, and keep in mind that talking to yourself, while a little strange, Is not such a bad thing.
It's when you start answering yourself that you may want to look a little harder for some like minded friends 
Don't worry, they are out there waiting for you.


Jason 

Are there men who do that? Communicate their feelings on a regular basis?

Of course there are.
But , do you really want to know this information from a persons feelings?  There is a point where, some thoughts and feelings should stay with the person who owns  them, otherwise it gets to be too much, and can more often than not seem very much like complaining and whining. 
There is a fine line between being sensitive and being a wuss. Once that line is crossed , you can never return.  So be careful what you wish for.
You might just get it.   

[BillyB]

The two years he didn't play this evil online game, he played offline games which was so much better, considering you can always put it on pause, unlike an online game.

How can it be evil? Your husband is a healer. Maybe it's evil because it takes away from your marriage?
 
This GAME was the bond that brought you and your husband together. You both had this in common. Now you call it his addiction and he's the problem in the marriage. You knew routine on the game before you married him and you accepted the fact. Now you change. What if you were the one on the game and your husband quit before you? You both are young and both are growing and you happened to grow out of the game before him so now it's grounds for divorce? Shouldn't be. I don't have any addictions, never had, but my wife said if I ever become addicted to something, she will stay by my side and help cure it. You ask for advice to get rid of your husbands addiction but I feel you want to run and soaking in the advice of posters who tell you to run. I can think of a lot worse addictions than gaming. Drinking, drugs, gambling and other addictions that cost a lot of money.
 
In every marriage the people involved grow at different paces. You and your husband must have tolerance. The question you have to ask is if you and your husband are growing in differnt directions. As far as I can see, he's maturing slower than you....in some areas. You have admitted you could do better in some areas. He is working, putting you through school, and feeding you so he isn't totally irresponsible.
 
You worry you can't find any better man than your husband if you decide to leave. Some guys say it's rubbish but you are more right than them. You do have to worry. I've heard a lot of online/dating stories from women including you. High percentage of weirdos out there, guys looking for temporary sex, liars, and full time losers. Most marriage material men are off the market because they got a woman and usually the woman will try her best to keep him. Limited men and lots of competition for the dream MAN you want.
 
If you soon leave your husband, what makes you wiser now than you were a few years ago when you married him? If you're not wiser, you will most likely make another mistake. Remember the thread I wrote before I got married? I can write those things over and over with confidence I can find a quality woman in my life. You need to understand your worth and you need the ability to identify quality men, how to attract them and how to keep them. Let's say you find a quality man who takes care of business in everything at work and life but you fail at most things such as your education, leaving the house a mess, and failing to finish what you start, do you think that man will continue to value you or start to desire a woman of better value?
 
Your parents have offered to financially take care of you if your marriage doesn't work. You are relieved but I believe they made it easy for you to throw away your education you've accumilated. Not a good thing. When it comes to deciding if your marriage is going to make it or break, don't let your parents easy way out become a big influence on what you should do.
 
Both you and your husband may feel each other of low value. He plays the game too much and you don't keep the house tidy. Neglecting each other will continue to reduce the value of both of you. Don't leave your husband so quickly. Be patient, you have a few more years of school to complete. Get a job and hopefully he has grown out of the GAME just as you had to. Assess your situation after a few years and if it's not working, you can then make a decision to leave. You will be older, wiser and better equipped to find a better man if that is what you have to do.
 
You want to see the world! If you become single again, that will be easy to do as long as marriage isn't your goal. There are plenty of guys with money that will fly you to exotic places and enjoy a temporary relationship with you. When you or him are tired of each other, it's goodbye and back to searching. Maybe you want this life in a family environment instead? Not easy to achieve unless you earn it.
 
You started another thread about the time you started this one call "Ramblings of a confused mind".  You say "Lack of direction in life. It's a problem."  You have direction in life but you have to finish what you started. You sound bored of school but it's your ticket to the other things in life you want. Your husband can't afford the vacations but he can afford your education to get a job that can get you your vacations. Most young women who want what you want NOW have to spread their legs for men they know little about who will be in their lives temporarily. You have the ability to earn it. Finish your education. Most married couples end up travelling more at the end of their lives than the beginning. When I was a boy, my mom asked what I want. I told her first I want to get married, then buy a house, and then get a job. I had everything backwards. Most people see the world when they're old, not young. Be patient and build a life first. Don't expect the life you want to come to you without a little effort on your part.
 

[mies]

So, as some here may know, hubby is addicted to one online video game. It makes me sad and miserable, and attention and quality time starved. I hate feeling like this. Bottom line, I want hubby to quit playing. He doesn't wanna. What to do?


An ultimatum will most likely make him feel like he's being blackmailed. Personally, i feel if this addiction of his keeps going, i'll just leave. Sick of this. If i tell him this, he will think this is blackmail, while in fact this is a warning that if things don't change, our relationship is doomed. But he will probably claim this is blackmail. Then he'll be stubborn just cuz he's stubborn and play out of principle. His main argument that he uses in these cases is: "well, if you make me stop playing my game now, where does this stop? Next time you'll try to make me stop talking to my mom or something."


That's a faulty argument but he doesn't see it that way.


So, any ideas how to convince hubby to quit playing without provoking his stubbornness?

a friend of mine divorced her husband who was addicted to online games. He lost his job because he was playing computer game all the time, and was exhibiting all signs of real addiction. She tried for several years and then quit.

I've heard similar stories about gamblers.

[mies]

Your hubby will drop his gaming if he finds something he is more interested in. It is up to you to find how to offer that.

I also fully disagree with the text in bold. It is not up to Aloe to fix her husband's addiction problem.

I know you on this board for a while, and I never expected you could say anything like this: put the guilt for the man's addiction fully onto his wife. This is very bad. Especially since you know how vulnerable Aloe is.

Gaming is an addiction. There are multiple studies about that.
Would you tell a woman:
- your husband drinks because you are too boring and uninteresting
- your husband does drugs because he is bored of looking at you
- your husband is a compulsive gambler because you do not offer him anything more interesting.

Shadow, I understand that Aloe probably touched some sensitive nerve in you when she started criticizing the sacred cow, but you are a wise man, you should understand the effect your words will have on her. You will recover from your first reaction, but your words will stay with Aloe forever. Are these really the words of advise you want to give her? Do you really want to convince her that she is a boring uninteresting person who is less valuable than a computer game?

Would you say the same words to your hypothetical daughter if she were complaining about her husband in a similar manner?

[mies]

And Aloe is a grown woman.
Hubby will give up his activity only if he wants to, and his wife sitting sulking in the room is not going to do that.  Grown men also need incentives to change their behaviour.

Incentives do not work with addiction.

[Vasilisa]

We have a daily routine when my  Gal comes home from classes.

I sit on sofa, put leg rest up, she lies down on her back with head on my lap.

Then she proceeds to give me a VERY detailed description of her entire day.
She gets very animated when telling about some concept she was able to  understand in class, about her grades on homework, quiz, test, etc.  Throws her hands around,  etc.

She enjoys this very much; and I allow her this enjoyment even as it can get a little tedious for me (but I never ever let this show.)

Then I . . . her . . . and she takes a short nap with a smile on her face.

you ... her?! what kind of women are you using this for?! Bar prostitutes and ONS?! Loving people are making love or at least have sex. i wonder what happens when ML's girl learns the language well enough to understand what he is saying....

[Vasilisa]

Aloe, do you love your hubby?

[mies]

Now it may be strange but perhaps Aloe could take up ballroom dancing. Hubby will have to choose between knowing she is out there with other men, or joining in..

This is an excellent idea!

[mies]

Honestly i am having troubles assessing my relationship. He seems like a great guy, but everyone here says his actions speak otherwise. And sometimes i get the feeling that we only do what he wants and that he doesn't make enough effort to do what i want. But i am having troubles deciding if this feeling has any ground.

Can you describe how he is a great guy?
What are his great guy qualities?

[HiTech]

Hello Aloe:

I have been playing online games since 1990.  And have been the creator of many online games since 1995.I have been a programmer since 1982 so I understand the mentality of your husband fairly well. I have had 1000's of customers with the same issue as you, and at times my wife has complained the same as you have.

What game is he playing? And how long has he been playing it. You said he stopped and the started playing again. How long has this last playing stretch been? And has he played other online games?
When was the last time he took a 1 or 2 week break from playing?

I ask these question as to get a better picture of your husband.

Online games are fun because it is something you do with people who enjoy the same things as the person playing does. In a lot of ways it is the same as people spending time on this forum. It is a place to interact with other people with common interests.

1st suggestion, don't try to make him stop playing. Instead think of immediate things to do that are fun to BOTH of you. Obviously the game he is playing is very fun for him, you can not expect him to just stop playing, and have nothing else interesting for him to do. People have hobbies, one of your appears to be spending time on this board.

So you say you wish him to stop playing, the biggest question I have is , what do you want him to do instead, and is what you want want him to do a realistic expectation.

Dale
P.S. See my link in my signature for my current product.

[Vasilisa]

"""You've received a warning...
"""

Awesome. Sound like our brave ML complained again.
I didn't know I called his girl a prostitute, moreover, I defended her saying you are talking this way about bar prostitutes, not the loved ones. this is ridiculous, can anyone READ here to understand HE insulted her, not me?

So, is ML going to be  banned for treating " his gal" this way or is it considered to be normal here?
definitely out of here.
Was nice to meet you, guys. enjoy ML's stories about how he ".... his gals"

[mies]

"""You've received a warning...
"""

Awesome. Sound like our brave ML complained again.
I didn't know I called his girl a prostitute, moreover, I defended her saying you are talking this way about bar prostitutes, not the loved ones. this is ridiculous, can anyone READ here to understand HE insulted her, not me?

So, is ML going to be  banned for treating " his gal" this way or is it considered to be normal here?
definitely out of here.
Was nice to meet you, guys. enjoy ML's stories about how he ".... his gals"

maybe he just meant "then I hold/kiss her" (as in "then I hold her in my arms/kiss her, and she takes a short nap with a smile on her face") 
You are naughty girl, Vasilisa, what did you have on your mind? 

[Aloe]

Can you describe how he is a great guy?
What are his great guy qualities?

He is very loyal and honest, and trustworthy and more often than not easy going, and responsible. I value faithfulness a lot. He is just a very good guy except a few quirks Best one i've ever run across. And beautiful too.

And we get along wonderfully, i've only run across such chemistry once before hubby (and that turned out to be a married guy). You just feel really comfortable with a person.