Sad day

[Aloe]

Good to hear.    This was actually expected news. Sometimes it requires leaving before true reflection can begin

believe it or not, on the 4th day i woke up and spent a couple hours thinking and was very resolute to start my life on my own, but then i turned on my pc, and my mom spent hours convincing me that he's good and i wont find anyone better!! made me go back

[LAman]

If this experience changes hubby then this is good news for you aloe. It is always best to try to make it work but as the saying goes......you hope for the best and prepare for the worst.
Unfortunately, if a man can raise his hand to a women once that means he is likely to do it again. I hope this never happens again, any man that could do this is plain scum IMO.
 
My best wishes for you Aloe

[Manny]

my mom spent hours convincing me that he's good and i wont find anyone better!!

Mother is wrong. You would certainly find a nicer bloke than some of the stuff I have read about your fellow.

[Ranetka]

believe it or not, on the 4th day i woke up and spent a couple hours thinking and was very resolute to start my life on my own, but then i turned on my pc, and my mom spent hours convincing me that he's good and i wont find anyone better!! made me go back

Aloe hun,


Did you tell you mother about the chocking incident?


Be careful and good luck.

[mendeleyev]

Aloe, like FP said, this I expected as well and hope that it works for you both.

i told him he ever touch me again ill leave for good

This troubles me and undoubtedly many others. Aloe, there is never a reason for a man to hit or choke a woman. I hope that if he does, you will indeed leave for good. There is no excuse and in many cases after it happens once the man declares his sorrow but soon thereafter the frequency and intensity increases. Again, it is inexcusable and is dangerous. Should it happen again, you should leave for good.

[Ade]

believe it or not, on the 4th day i woke up and spent a couple hours thinking and was very resolute to start my life on my own, but then i turned on my pc, and my mom spent hours convincing me that he's good and i wont find anyone better!! made me go back

Unfortunately, as others have said, it's all too easy for someone capable of physicality against a woman to be a repeat offender no matter how good their intentions are post-incident.


I truly hope your leaving was a big enough shock to the system that he shapes up and spends the rest of his life trying to make up for his idiocy.


But keep your wits about you because if not, as Manny says, there would be plenty of better guys out there that would treat you with respect - and many of them wouldn't be so adverse to travelling either.


Good luck.

[GQBlues]

I am always careful making remarks/comments/advice to anyone regarding their marriage/relationship woes for the simple reason I am not a qualified/studied/professional counselor. Additionally, the other side of the story isn't available.
 
But.
 

...i told him he ever touch me again ill leave for good...

Which, IIRC, would make this the second time you mentioned it in your board posting.

That's 2 too many times, IMHO.

[BillyB]

my mom spent hours convincing me that he's good and i wont find anyone better!! made me go back

Your mom must know much more about your hubby than you've told us. A lot of people at the forum look down on your hubby.

when i came home he actually told me his side of the story of the day

I doubt your hubby is a wife beater. He's young, immature and can't control his emotions. Try to make your marriage work and try not to be immature and push the wrong buttons until he grows up some more too. There's no reason for any husband or wife to push the wrong buttons and get their spouse angry.


Is it safe to assume the trip to America is back on?

[Ade]

Your mom must know much more about your hubby than you've told us. A lot of people at the forum look down on your hubby.



I doubt your hubby is a wife beater. He's young, immature and can't control his emotions. Try to make your marriage work and try not to be immature and push the wrong buttons until he grows up some more too. There's no reason for any husband or wife to push the wrong buttons and get their spouse angry.


Is it safe to assume the trip to America is back on?

Some people that like to brag about using their fists are idiots and seem to think there are reasonable excuses for violence against a partner. There aren't. Ever.

[LiveFromUkraine]

I doubt your hubby is a wife beater. He's young, immature and can't control his emotions. Try to make your marriage work and try not to be immature and push the wrong buttons until he grows up some more too. There's no reason for any husband or wife to push the wrong buttons and get their spouse angry.

Why should she wait around to be man handled until he grows up enough to where he can control his emotions?


 I agree with Manny that there are plenty of men that would enjoy treating her right.


It doesn't sound like she can count on her mom for support.  Maybe if Aloe had some type of support there she may be able to leave and live her life.

[BillyB]

Some people that like to brag about using their fists are idiots and seem to think there are reasonable excuses for violence against a partner.

What does that have to do with this thread? Are you implying Aloe's husband brags about using his fists justifiably on Aloe or are you talking about me? If you're talking about me, just remember you aren't my partner. If you're trying to start a new fight, this is not the thread to do it in.

Why should she wait around to be man handled until he grows up enough to where he can control his emotions?

Aloe once said she thinks 95% at fault. Seems excessive but at a minimum, Aloe admits she has faults. If a woman screams, yells, nags, disrespects her husband everyday and neglects his needs and the needs of the home, some men, especially young men, are going to lose it. If Aloe caused part of the problem, a new man in her life isn't going to be the answer. New husband, same crap will go on.


Emotional/verbal abuse by women is just as or more prevalent as physical abuse by men. There should be none of that in relationships but it happens and people retaliate.


I don't see Aloe's husband as a wife beater. I don't think anybody here needs to call the cops. Breaking her wedding vows is the easy way out. With age and maturity, both Aloe and her husband can grow out of it.

[Shadow]

im back with hubby; my mom convinced me to go back;


Hubby for the first time shows signs of actually having thought about the whole ordeal. normally he just agrees to everything i say and puts the whole thing out of his mind in 1 second, but this time when i came home he actually told me his side of the story of the day and his suggestions on how to fix it; so i was so amazed that i inadvertedly agreed to everything, Lol


i told him he ever touch me again ill leave for good


Also went to a psychologist

Make sure to tell him that before ever laying his hands on you he needs to start working out. Now I am gentle enough to control myself in almost any situation, but if MrsShadows gets her hands on him....

[LiveFromUkraine]

What does that have to do with this thread? Are you implying Aloe's husband brags about using his fists justifiably on Aloe or are you talking about me? If you're talking about me, just remember you aren't my partner. If you're trying to start a new fight, this is not the thread to do it in.



Aloe once said she thinks 95% at fault. Seems excessive but at a minimum, Aloe admits she has faults. If a woman screams, yells, nags, disrespects her husband everyday and neglects his needs and the needs of the home, some men, especially young men, are going to lose it. If Aloe caused part of the problem, a new man in her life isn't going to be the answer. New husband, same crap will go on.


Emotional/verbal abuse by women is just as or more prevalent as physical abuse by men. There should be none of that in relationships but it happens and people retaliate.


I don't see Aloe's husband as a wife beater. I don't think anybody here needs to call the cops. Breaking her wedding vows is the easy way out. With age and maturity, both Aloe and her husband can grow out of it.

I don't see Aloe as a emotionally/verbally abusive person.  I see someone who is trying to make her marriage work with an immature man who can't seem to keep his hands off her.


She is obviously unhappy and been unhappy for a long time.  She shouldn't wait for 10 more years to find out she should have left a long time ago.


It isn't going to get better. 

[Boethius]

It isn't going to get better. 

You can't possibly know that.

[LiveFromUkraine]

You can't possibly know that.

I can have my own opinion.  Same as you going around posting what other members meant.

[Boethius]

And those posters usually state my interpretation was correct.


You cannot know whether or not a person is willing to change.  Particularly one who doesn't post here.

[LiveFromUkraine]

And those posters usually state my interpretation was correct.


You cannot know whether or not a person is willing to change.  Particularly one who doesn't post here.

Bo, I posted my opinion.  If you don't like it, tough luck.  I am not going to get into a discussion about it on Aloe's thread.

[Boethius]

My post was as much to Aloe to ignore the naysayers.  Ultimately, it is her life and her decision.  It is interesting that all these "family oriented" men looking for "traditional" women are so quick to suggest divorce.  That may be an option, but resolving their differences and learning how to negotiate conflict effectively may be just as viable, or perhaps an even more viable, option.

[LiveFromUkraine]

I would have thought feminists, of all people, would understand that it wouldn't be healthy to stay in a situation where physical abuse was occurring repeatedly.

[Boethius]

By Aloe's own account, there was one incidence of him grabbing her.  That is not a situation of "physical abuse occurring repeatedly".  Aloe has told her husband she will leave him if it ever occurs again, and since that one incidence, it has not.

[LiveFromUkraine]

By Aloe's own account, there was one incidence of him grabbing her.  That is not a situation of "physical abuse occurring repeatedly".  Aloe has told her husband she will leave him if it ever occurs again, and since that one incidence, it has not.

One incident?


He grabbed her by the throat months ago.  This week she left and came back to tell him never to touch her again.  Sounds like multiple times to me.  Maybe I am wrong but judging from GQ's post up thread I am not the only one who thinks more than one incident.

[Boethius]

Nope.  That was the one incident.  She forgave him and has moved on.   Right now, she is trying to make her marriage work.   We should respect her decision.

[GoodOlBoy]

..... resolving their differences and learning how to negotiate conflict effectively may be just as viable, or perhaps an even more viable, option.

I personally don't see why Aloe has to learn to "negotiate" with a wife abuser??
She is the one being smacked around and choked.
If she were being physical also, I would see your point.
 
GOB

[GoodOlBoy]

Mother is wrong. You would certainly find a nicer bloke than some of the stuff I have read about your fellow.

Maybe Mom has been smacked around and choked also?
It would explain her indifference to Aloe's plight.

GOB

[Boethius]

I personally don't see why Aloe has to learn to "negotiate" with a wife abuser??
She is the one being smacked around and choked.
If she were being physical also, I would see your point.
 
GOB

The negotiation I mean is both ways - learning how to deal with conflict constructively.


As I posted, GOB, Aloe has stated her husband choked her once.  She has told him she will not tolerate that, and it hasn't happened again.


She has gone back to him.  I think we should respect her decision, whatever it is.