Sad day

[Aloe]

So I've gone 5 times to my psychologist so far, and i haven't found out anything new. So far she's just been asking questions and me answering them, telling my stuff. She hasn't asked any questions i haven't thought about by myself. So absolutely no new insights from this yet. Sigh. Is it supposed to be like this? She was recommended by my general doctor as a very good psychologist. But she sure takes her time getting to it?   

[Aloe]

So this last weekend hubby was so amazing. It was my birthday, so i had proclaimed this weekend 'my birthday weekend'  And because it's my bday weekend i managed to convince him to go shopping    We shopped all day from 11 til 6 pm (with a dinner break), it was a miracle, he didn't whine once!! Normally he won't enter a shop under a gunpoint, and if he does, then after 5 minutes he starts whining that he's tired and wants to go home. Like really whining, not just say it once in normal voice, but whine repeatedly over and over again. And this time he didnt do it even once    It must have cost him a ginormous effort   
And 2 months before this, i reminded hubby it was my birthday in 2 months, then 1 month beforehand i reminded him again that it was my bday in 1 month, and halelluja A miracle has happened! He booked a night at a hotel in a nice nature area So the next day after our big shopping trip, we also went to that hotel, and went for walks in the forest, went to a castle, and had fun at the hotel pool and sauna, and it was amazing    First time he ever does something like this!!
Anyway, this whole thing made me feel very close to him. If he did this more often, i'd definitely be one happy camper    It is nice to go and do something, and not have to hear all about the giant favor he's doing me here    I think if we did this more often, and he stopped his bad habits of cursing and pushing, then we can be very happy together

[GoodOlBoy]

Happy birthday Aloe!

I am glad things are better.
 
GOB

[Patagonie]

Aloe, with your shrink, this is the normal stuff. He needs to know your history first. There are three sorts of people : those who never go, those who stay few appointements (less than three months) and disappear when their real problems start to be disclosed (generally they tell that they have been checked and they are normal  ), and those who needs and do the job.

Now if you don't find yourself comfortable after maximum 10 appointements, choose an other one. If you need a more active one, rather than the very classical psychanalist who spends only his time to listen (i don't think you need this one and i discourage people to meet such shrinks) tell him what you expect and ideally which sort of communication you are expecting. He can or he can't, but if you don't like you can go away.

Two years ago i went to see a NPL therapist for a very specific work. I knew exactly what i wanted and which type of exercise i needed to be helped. I give him the goals in the first minutes. After two appointements i understood that this guy wanted to score a regular customer to improve his monthly income, me telling all my life, and perhaps after few months he would have focus on my requests. I ditched him like a hot patato after two hours. It is unacceptable that a specialist of NPL, which by essence, focus on goals, cannot work on a specific topic, considering the high price he wanted for his work.

[Shadow]

Aloe good to read some happy news from you. I hope in the future to read more happy as sad news.

[Boethius]

Happy birthday, Aloe!


I hope you tell (better yet, show) your husband how much you appreciate him spending his entire day doing something he does not enjoy, just for you.

[GQBlues]

Good news! Very happy for you and hubby!
 
Belated happy B-Day! 

[BillyB]

Anyway, this whole thing made me feel very close to him. If he did this more often, i'd definitely be one happy camper     

Compromise. He needs to be one happy camper too. I hate shopping but can tolerate it sometimes to make my wife happy. We went to the flower festival this weekend. Flowers don't interest me but spent all day there to make wife happy. I'm happy to see her happy but if we did this every weekend, I wouldn't be happy. Happy B'day!

[CanadaMan]

Belated Happy Birthday Aloe!
I wish you all the best.   

[Misha]

This is certainly reassuring. It is nice to read such a positive post. I am happy for you Aloe.

[Hammer2722]

Happy belated B-Day Aloe!!!!

[Gator]

Happy Birthday Aloe!  And welcome news about how you celebrated your b-day.
 
Each of us is responsible for our own happiness.  And that is what you did by reminding hubby and reminding him again.  Maybe hubby needs a lot of reminding.   
 
Regarding your psychologist, IMO she should be helping you interact with your husband.   This would involve coaching you on what to say and meeting with you later to discuss how it went.

[JayH]

Happy Birthday  from me too. Great to read you are a little happier.

[Anotherkiwi]

Happy Birthday  from me too. Great to read you are a little happier.

Yup, me too.  Hopefully the next 25 years will be a little less rocky.

[Aloe]

hehe thanks everyone 

[mies]

Happy Birthday, Aloe!

[Brianinaz]

Happy Birthday young lady. I am so very glad to hear you had a good time. You deserve it! I hope many similar days are to follow.

[Aloe]

So when one wants to leave, when's the appropriate time to talk about it? After you've found a place to live, or immediately and risk not finding a place to live for a long time?

[GoodOlBoy]

So when one wants to leave, when's the appropriate time to talk about it?

Not until you have a good "exit strategy" in place Aloe.
You deserve that much after what you have been through.
He owes you that much girl.
 
GOB

[Misha]

So when one wants to leave, when's the appropriate time to talk about it? After you've found a place to live, or immediately and risk not finding a place to live for a long time?

When you have your own place, unless you were in any danger of any sort.

[GQBlues]

So when one wants to leave, when's the appropriate time to talk about it? After you've found a place to live, or immediately and risk not finding a place to live for a long time?

 
 
Much too subjective. Your state and faculties would largely determine that answer for you, as it is for most everyone else. I know what I've stated to those I've intimately submitted myself to in the past, including with my wife today, what my feelings are about how to deal with this if or when it comes into our lives. But each of us is different...
 

[Boethius]

Before you take this drastic step Aloe, I have to ask what has happened to make you decide to take this step?  (a question for you, not necessary to post the details)  Less than a month ago, you were happy because your husband took you out for your birthday.  Less than two months ago, you were happy because he'd agreed to a US vacation, although in the interim, you had an argument. 

You have ups and downs that suggest you lack maturity, and you have posted in the past that you expected your husband to be perfect.  No one is perfect, and part of marriage is negotiating each others' flaws, something I believe neither of you have done.

Have you discussed this thoroughly with your psychologist?  What has she said?


 

[LAman]

So when one wants to leave, when's the appropriate time to talk about it? After you've found a place to live, or immediately and risk not finding a place to live for a long time?

Aloe if you mean yourself, this sounds strange considering you left once before.
You also seem the type that changes her mind quite often..... much like how the winds blows at the time.
Do you really know what you want???
It does sound like there may be some lack of maturity but what is wrong with wanting a husband to show attention and love to his wife more often than maybe once a month......doesn't need to be perfect but loving, yes?

[Boethius]

We don't know if he shows her love only once a month. 

My perception is, Aloe doesn't know what she really wants.  She is unhappy, but I suspect that unhappiness is internal, and leaving her husband won't change it.   It may be that she is unfulfilled in her marriage, and that neither has done the work to change that.  But I don't think that is the core reason for Aloe's dissatisfaction, which is why I suggest she discuss this with her psychologist.   






 

[GoodOlBoy]

Before you take this drastic step Aloe, I have to ask what has happened to make you decide to take this step?........You have ups and downs that suggest you lack maturity,......     

I didn't say anything bad a few weeks back but I KNEW he did that "nice weekend" for her because somebody (psychologist, parents, priest, etc.)  told him to do it. That's all.
 
Let's do a quick review:
 
The picture painted of this "man" of hers over the last few years is: 1. He sits on the couch and plays video games all weekends and nights. 2. Demands through verbal abuse, humiliation and threats that the house be vacuumed and cleaned. 3. Demands cooked meals waiting for him. 4. Chokes and smacks her around. 5. And of course sex is expected after all of this.
 
I have to ask you Boethius... how long would you stick around for this kind of treatment? 
 
I have to disagree with you about who is being immature here.
 
IMHO, Aloe has been VERY patient with this assh*le.
 
GOB