Need Russian Woman's Advice: My woman is afraid to leave her life behind for me.

[matthew20]

I have been using skype and text with a woman in Belarus for 2 months. We talk for hours and I am visiting her in 4 weeks. We have been talking about our future lately, and she is uncertain that she can leave behind her family, friends, and life. I have fallen for this woman, and she has become important to me, but I do not want her to regret leaving home for me. Is there anything I can say or do so she isn't so worried?

[Misha]

Meet her, spend time with her, see if something develops, and then see what she says.

[calmissile]

I have been using skype and text with a woman in Belarus for 2 months. We talk for hours and I am visiting her in 4 weeks. We have been talking about our future lately, and she is uncertain that she can leave behind her family, friends, and life. I have fallen for this woman, and she has become important to me, but I do not want her to regret leaving home for me. Is there anything I can say or do so she isn't so worried?

It's a difficult situation many of us have faced.
First of all, I would not rush her to make a decision.
Second, wait until she falls equally in love with you.   You wil know it.  There is no ambiguity.
Meet her in person and have fun together.  Learn each others personality.
I wouldn't even mention the future on your first real date.
If you 'click' together one of you will no doubt give a hint that opens the discussion about a future.

If all that happens, and only then, there are a few things you can do to alleviate some of her fears.
Remind her that she can chat with her family and friends on Skype and Email.
You can take photos and videos of where you live including the town and local folks in their daily environmnet.
It's probably also wise to ensure her that she can occasionally visit her family on a vacation.

If you can't afford this scenerio, your probably hunting in the wrong country.     

[ML]

Is there anything I can say or do so she isn't so worried?

Look, most all men and women would have these same concerns.

But, in some cases, it is terminal.

I wouldn't try too hard to talk anyone into anything; you will live to regret it.

Just treat her as good as you intend to always treat her, answer questions, and then let her come around . . . or not.

[CDW]

The first question is:  Why is she looking for a foreign man if she is afraid to leave her life behind?

[matthew20]

We both were not expecting this to go anywhere. This is both very new to us. Our meeting was not through an agency or bride service. We have both invested a lot of time keeping in touch and I was curious how I could alleviate some of her worries if we decided to pursue a future together. That is if our meeting goes well, as I believe it will.

[Gator]

You need to restrain your feelings.   Do not push it now.   
 
Congratulations, you have met a challenge woman, and have advanced far considering that challenge women are very selective.  If she says "yes" you know it will be because of her feelings for you.   Consider the implications vs. that of a desperate woman.
 
If she says "yes" there is another issue when she moves here.  She will not forget her past life and will compare it with her new life.  Her adjustment after marriage could be difficult.  I say this because this is exactly what I experienced. 
 
My wife had a good life in Russia, a very good life.  Marrying me was not hypergamy, and privately she may even have considered it hypogamy. .  After dating for well over a year, I filed a K-1 thinking she was convinced to make the move.  She changed her mind, and we parted.  However, two years later at her initiative we renewed. 
 
We married and she is giving her best effort to assimilate.  However, it has been stressful for her (and for me too).   So consider that fact as you progress the relationship.
 

[Slumba]

You haven't met in person yet... so I think you should slow down a bit before talking too much about the future.  Instead talk about the present, make sure you are doing well in understanding her.

When you get there, be attentive and generous in your attitude towards her (I am not necessarily talking about money).  Generosity will be returned by someone who loves you and will not be returned by someone who is not.

[Gator]

Matthew, What is her age, level of education and current job?  Does she have children?   Does she want to work here?  Do you live in a large city?  Does your job require you to be away from home?

[matthew20]

Gator, I sent you a personal message. Maybe you could help answer some questions I may have. I'd rather due that man to man instead of through forum.

[BillyB]

I have been using skype and text with a woman in Belarus for 2 months. We talk for hours and I am visiting her in 4 weeks. We have been talking about our future lately, and she is uncertain that she can leave behind her family, friends, and life. I have fallen for this woman, and she has become important to me, but I do not want her to regret leaving home for me. Is there anything I can say or do so she isn't so worried?

If I were you, I'd start making plans to look elsewhere. You don't have to cancel your tickets but be prepared that your visit to her will never end up in marriage. You should not have feelings of love for someone you never met so don't try to pressure her to change how she naturally feels. Too bad she didn't tell you earlier or did she? If she knows she may never leave her country, she should have never let you buy the tickets.


I was in a situation like yours except the lady was my fiancee and we did a k-1. She hesitated because it was difficult to leave her family behind in Uzbekistan. I told her we can financially take care of her family and she can call to them everyday. I waited a little then moved on. By the time she had the nerve to leave her family behind I was too involved with other ladies. I'm happily married now and do not regret the lost romance with that lady.

[ML]

. . . wait until she falls equally in love with you.   You will know it.  There is no ambiguity.

Doug, I think that idea is oversold on this board.

i.e. The oft repeated sentence "Once the FSU gal loves (likes) you, you will know it."

When the increased attention, affection, sex and family introductions come . . . that still is not proof positive of love or even liking.

Some actors and actresses are very, very, very good.

How long can someone keep up the charade?  I don't really know.

What about the case of imbedded spies who live under deep cover 'in country' for decades, marry, raise families, etc.?

But yes, it does no good to be paranoid about it.  There is nothing we can do; other than use the best judgement possible.

[matthew20]

I realize that I am not "in love" with this woman, but I have very strong feelings. We also know that we can not skype forever. I'm trying to be rational about this situation and possibly hear some success stories or wisdom from people that have endured this type of situation.

[BillyB]

I'm trying to be rational about this situation and possibly hear some success stories or wisdom from people that have endured this type of situation.

I remember reading a story of a couple getting married and she got homesick and had to leave soon after she arrived to America to visit her family but she came back.


Your situation is much different. You two haven't met and the bond is not strong. Also did you consider that what she said is not true and maybe this could be a way she's distancing herself from you? Maybe there were a few Skype sessions that did not go well? Maybe you said something to her or about yourself that is a deal breaker?


Most of us would like you to have a happy ending but the odds are not on your side. In the end you may have to look elsewhere for the happy ending.

[Vaughn]

We have been talking about our future lately...... Is there anything I can say or do so she isn't so worried?

Yes, right after you reread the first reply by Misha. Stop talking about "the future" and potentially complicating what's often been hailed as the exciting part of a new relationship. Once you both get past the 2 dimensions of the flat screen you'll both be able to sort out your feelings with more reasonable conviction. For now, "the future" I'd be discussing would be where we'll meet for the first time, where we'll visit, what interests you share, all of that "light" stuff.
 
"please believe me when I say - I never meant to make you feel uncomfortable" also would come up in my next conversation. Take the pressure off her.

[Muzh]

Matthew, it is very simple.

If a woman is not willing to follow you to the gates of hell, do not marry her.

[Belvis]

We have been talking about our future lately, and she is uncertain that she can leave behind her family, friends, and life. I have fallen for this woman, and she has become important to me, but I do not want her to regret leaving home for me. Is there anything I can say or do so she isn't so worried?

I have not got the problem. Any normal woman will regret leaving home, relatives and friends behind. You have to just show you're going to be her home, new family and friends. I guess she'll not worry then.

[Nathan1982]

I wouldn't try too hard to talk anyone into anything; you will live to regret it.

This may be one of the more brilliant sentences I think I've ever heard.

[ML]

This may be one of the more brilliant sentences I think I've ever heard.

Thanks!!   

I have many such.  How about . . .

When dealing in the stock market; try to buy low and sell high.   

Or as GQ likes to quote Mary . . . look for other evidences of the feelings.

[mendeleyev]

So much good advice and the only thing I'd say would be to reinforce what others have said about slowing down and being patience.

Mrs. M was a challenge. She didn't like me from the moment we met. I was expecting someone else from Radio Mayak to meet me with a driver to collect my tons of luggage necessary for a move to Russia. I strode up to her and informed her that my name on her placard was spelled wrong. Strike one. Then before giving her a chance to introduce herself I called her by the name of the person I'd been told to expect. Strike two.

Had she not been assigned to show up at my apartment every weekday morning as a guide for the day while teaching me how to navigate the metro, use those old blue or black payphones found in places like metro stations, accompany me to open a bank account, show me the local markets, figure out bus numbers & routes, the trolleybus system, etc, I'd have never seen her again except in the hallways at the office.

Patience worked (cause I was quickly very, very, very interested in the beautiful lady who was oh so not interested in me). I realized that the stress of the flight and moving had allowed me to come on too strong at the airport so I relaxed. Being a willing student and expressing gratitude for her assistance helped her relax and reevaluate.

Rarely do we get the opportunity to overcome a first impression but patience worked and some time later she agreed to visit a nearby tea cafe after work where I was introduced to some gawd awful grass and root drink that she claimed was very healthy. It looked horrible even on the menu and was even worse at the first and only sip I took. I choked. She laughed.

The rest is history.

[Lily]

All good advices here, despite no one from a RW.
 
From my RW's point of view, I could not even have the type of revelations that your girl has. But that's just me, your girl is apparently different.

[Gator]

Matthew has not logged in at RWD since his last post on March 31.  He was planning a meeting and has reasonable expectations.  Maybe he will share more with us after the meeting.