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Author Topic: Would you marry someone you didn't love?  (Read 2644 times)

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Online Turboguy

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Would you marry someone you didn't love?
« on: April 13, 2006, 04:31:33 AM »
At the risk of getting myself into more hot water than Photoguy did with his K-1, would you consider marrying someone you did not love?   Frankly I think a lot of the FSU women do.   They might say they love you but I think in a lot of cases they see the guy they end up with as a good person who they think in time they will love.  I can site my former fiancee's Ukrainian friend here Oxana, who when she is around her husband is telling him how much she loves him and falling all over him but confided in Luda that she did not love him but he is a good man and she likes him a lot.

I could see this happening in some cases where you meet a gal with a beautiful face, a hot body and little english.  You might have a lot of lust but no real love because of the lack of communication.  I think a lot of guys in cases like this have done exactly that.

As far as this question applying to me it would be in the case of the gal who visited me in LA for 11 days and who I just visited for 4 days.  Here is my analasis of the situation.   She is a really nice person, very pleasant, always smiling, very intelligent, enjoyable to be with, affectionate, the physical side of things is above average, she seems to have no temper, reasonably good english, good education.  People who have seen photos of us together say we make a good couple.  Everything about the relationship is good except one thing.  I don't feel like I am in love with her.

Right now it looks like she is going to be visiting me in Beaver Falls for 10 days next month.   I originally put her off on this because of some other things I thought were happening in my life but I think I am going to go ahead and let her come.  I do plan to make a Ukraine trip prior to that and so far am keeping my options open.  Just curious what everyone thought.

Offline JPjr

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Would you marry someone you didn't love?
« Reply #1 on: April 13, 2006, 05:01:32 AM »
Turbo, I am going to comment here though I may get flamed. When the young fall in love so quickly, we know it is harmonal chemistry. When we are older and have burned and been burned, I think we choose to be in love, rather than fall in love. Not to say the chemistry is not there, but we tend to stifle that harmonal loss of perspective. IE, thinking with the little head. I think loving a person in a mature unselfish manner is more choice than chance, and that can be done after the fact when life experiences prove our capabilites. To you personally Turbo, without critique of your past actions or inactions, I say if you think, after her visit is very positive, this girl has what you are looking for, she just may be the one. Do not try to feel something you may be contolling in yourself naturally, trying to defend your feelings. I hope this made sense. One last stab at it. At our age and in our experience, we know if "it feels right do it" is not always true, and if we think it is right, it usually is.        Edit to say   "Hey I just noticed some one gave me some mana, that is cool thanks"
« Last Edit: April 13, 2006, 05:04:00 AM by JPjr »
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Offline Bruno

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Would you marry someone you didn't love?
« Reply #2 on: April 13, 2006, 05:02:08 AM »
Quote from: Turboguy
...I don't feel like I am in love with her.

...she is going to be visiting me in Beaver Falls for 10 days next month...

...I think I am going to go ahead and let her come.

Are you so lonely that you are ready to take a woman same if you don't love her ?

Are you so dishonest that you are ready to accept that these woman visit you in US and believe that you love her when it is not true ?

If you have no feeling for these lady, be honest and say it to her... don't waste your and her time...

Online Turboguy

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Would you marry someone you didn't love?
« Reply #3 on: April 13, 2006, 05:12:02 AM »
Well, Bruno, it is not that I have no feelings for her.  I like her a lot and enjoy her company.   Actually logically she would be a great gal for me.   Just something isn't there for me yet.   Probably that is why I want to spend more time with her that it might develop.   I think I remember a post from jb something to the effect that real love doesn't happen until you have been married for 10 years or so.  I don't recall the exact post.

Offline Bruno

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Would you marry someone you didn't love?
« Reply #4 on: April 13, 2006, 06:23:36 AM »
Quote from: Turboguy
I don't feel like I am in love with her.
Of course, it is your life and you make what you wish...

Offline Son of Clyde

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Would you marry someone you didn't love?
« Reply #5 on: April 13, 2006, 06:39:31 AM »
I think a marriage could work, if you are not in love with the person, in some situations.

Let's say the woman is in dire straits, with a child or two and is on the verge of becoming homeless. A friend might take her in and over time the relationship can develop into something more than a friendship.

It depends in my opinion on how much a person will invest in the other. If a guy is willing to support a woman, care for her children and protect them, there is a good chance the relationship is more "love" than "like" and a solid foundation is being formed.

Offline BC

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Would you marry someone you didn't love?
« Reply #6 on: April 13, 2006, 07:30:58 AM »
Turbo I think you have been jaded searching for the climactic hottie and continue to  exacerbate with an endless list of 'next in line' women.

Classic battle between lower and upper brain.

This woman sounds interesting indeed but she has no chance as long as you're wearing pink glasses and constantly looking at the sidelines.

[edit]  the term "analasis" you used in your post is quite Freudian :D:D






« Last Edit: April 13, 2006, 07:34:00 AM by BC »

Offline KenC

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Would you marry someone you didn't love?
« Reply #7 on: April 13, 2006, 08:18:52 AM »
Turbo,

Interesting question.  I have been married twice now.  My first marriage was rather one sided in terms of passionate "love."  I sincerely believe my first wife made a calculated decision to marry me.  I was a guy that fit her profile for a husband.  This resulted in a 21 year marriage and two great kids.  On the surface, everything looked great to the outside world.  We had a great family and she was a good friend to me and good mother to our children.  But there was a huge emptiness in our relationship because of her lack of "passionate love."  In some ways, I feel like I wasted more than 20 years of my life wooing a woman that didn't love me back.  That is not an enviable position in which to find yourself.  If it were not for the two great kids, the time would have been a total waste without the reciprical love.

Fast forward to seven years after the divorce (and a lot of make-up sex), I met my current wife, Lena.  Now we are talking white hot passion from both sides!  Regardless of the age difference, we have clicked on so many levels that it is scarey.  We have the same morals, similar personalities and enjoy the same things.  I believe that we both have found our true loves.  Not too many people find what my wife and I did, ever.  We are the two luckiest SOB's you will ever meet.

Of course that "white hot passion" cools a bit over time, only for the sake of self preservation.  It changes from a sprint into a marathon pace.  That is when all the "other" characteristics that make a good marriage good, come into play in a more important way.  After seven years together, we are still madly and passionately in love with each other, but we have also become best friends.  It is a great place to be in anyone's life.

I have seen many a guy on here claim to have found their true soul mate, when in fact that will only prove true over time.  Usually it is just hormones talking.  In your situation, you may find the passionate love for this gal sometime in the future, but I doubt it.  I think it will always be a relationship of convienence.  You will live your life with her as a compromise.  It could even be a decent marriage, if you can live with the fact that you compromised your chance for passionate love for a woman that "fit" the profile you have in your mind's eye of what you are looking for in a wife.  But we also have to be realistic too.  The odds of finding a woman that is your true soulmate and satisfies you on all levels is rare indeed.  The chances of you also fulfilling her every need at the same time, is even more rare.  This alone does not make the possibilities unappealing either.  There is a lot to be said for marriages where the couple are just very good companions.  It all depends on what you are willing to settle for.

For what it is worth, I think Clyde's advice:

Let's say the woman is in dire straits, with a child or two and is on the verge of becoming homeless. A friend might take her in and over time the relationship can develop into something more than a friendship

is possibly the worst I have ever read on any forum.  A desperate woman will grow to resent you over time as she will always remember that it was her desperation that brought about the marriage not any emotion she had for you.

KenC
« Last Edit: April 13, 2006, 08:23:00 AM by KenC »
You are a den of vipers and thieves-Andrew Jackson on banks
Banking establishments are more dangerous than standing armies-Thomas Jefferson

Offline Son of Clyde

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Would you marry someone you didn't love?
« Reply #8 on: April 13, 2006, 08:23:45 AM »
KenC, That is why it is called "advice" because the individual can choose to accept or reject it. Turbo is a grown man and I am sure will make his own choices. The forum is a "sounding board" so if my advice is not good advice it can be discarded. 

Offline KenC

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Would you marry someone you didn't love?
« Reply #9 on: April 13, 2006, 08:25:52 AM »
Clyde,

We can only hope that it is (discarded).  And yes this is a sounding board for ideas and opinions.  I just gave mine regarding your's.

KenC
« Last Edit: April 13, 2006, 08:28:00 AM by KenC »
You are a den of vipers and thieves-Andrew Jackson on banks
Banking establishments are more dangerous than standing armies-Thomas Jefferson

Offline Rim

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Would you marry someone you didn't love?
« Reply #10 on: April 13, 2006, 11:52:18 AM »
Quote from: JPjr
I think we choose to be in love, rather than fall in love. Not to say the chemistry is not there, but we tend to stifle that harmonal loss of perspective. IE, thinking with the little head. I think loving a person in a mature unselfish manner is more choice than chance
Exactly.



Offline Daknack

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Would you marry someone you didn't love?
« Reply #11 on: April 13, 2006, 02:40:14 PM »
KenC, your first marriage with the calculation reminds me a lot of my exwife.

 

Your marriage is only contributed to in its success by passion.  What makes your marriage successful is the connection you share with your wife.  She is foremost your friend.  Someone you connect with on something deeper then passion.  That you have the passion makes it more rich and rewarding.  You share interests, ethics and other aspects of each other and this is the TRUE root of both LASTING LOVE and PASSION.  Were it not for those things the passion would no doubt wane and the embers would flicker and die.

 

What anyone getting married needs to ask themselves is:  If my spouse had a penis, would I be friends with them?  If the answer is no, don't get married.  Friendship is the basis of a marriage.  Every successful long marriage I've seen both spouses consider each other their best friend.  And I don't mean in a phony way either.  If you asked them who their best friend was they wouldn't flash to someone they talk to of the same sex they think of the spouse as a FRIEND.

 

This being said, love, lust and sex are often the saviors of a marriage in troubled times.  When you are not speaking, sex can bring a couple back to the negotiation table.  Love can keep someone fighting for the relationship.  A marriage doesn't require love.  I posted a top five list of important marriage traits and I think love was #5 (or I added it as #6).  Its not important to a successful marriage, However you run a much higher chance of divorce when the feces hits the fan without love, passion, and sex.   The illogical emotion of love can tell us to stick things out when the logic of reason tells us to run the hell away.

 

The question you need to ask yourself is:  Is love important to me.  If its not I feel sorry for you.

 

Now, as for would I get married without love?  I would if I was on the VERGE of love but not quite there.  It takes time for true love to really set in but you can recognize its beginnings.  But if I didn't think I would be fully in love and fairly soon after the marriage why would I bother?  There are plenty of women I don't love, why would I want to live with one?
« Last Edit: April 13, 2006, 02:41:00 PM by Daknack »

Offline groovlstk

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Would you marry someone you didn't love?
« Reply #12 on: April 13, 2006, 05:12:45 PM »
I've met my share of women in Ukraine and Russia who would have happily  accepted my offer of marriage. Did they love me? Hell, no. Were they  bad girls? Hell, no.

I've written about this before, but there are many 30ish women who see  their options disappearing and are willing to take a chance on a guy  that they deem decent after spending a week together. They're picky in  the sense that they won't accept any old joe, they'll poke and prod you  like you're a lab specimen, and they sincerely want their marriage to  work.

I've been getting to know some local Russian women who are living here  in NYC. Many are divorced from American men, and I see time and again  the same story: American man visits girl, proposes marriage on his  first visit, she accepts. She comes to the US, and after truly getting  to know each other they decide to part. Without love on either side  (sorry, I don't believe a guy can really fall in love with a woman he  knows for a week), where is the impetus to work hard to overcome the  bumps and difficulties to make a marriage work? There's no incentive...


Offline Jet

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Would you marry someone you didn't love?
« Reply #13 on: April 13, 2006, 07:23:17 PM »
Quote from: Daknack
This being said, love, lust and sex are often the saviors of a marriage in troubled times.  When you are not speaking, sex can bring a couple back to the negotiation table. 

Dunno man, I always subscibed to the idea that bad sex can ruin an otherwise good marriage, but good sex isn't going to save an otherwise bad one...

The rest of your post I completely agree with ;)
Every action in company ought to be done with some sign of respect to those that are present. ~ Geo. Washington

Offline Bruno

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Would you marry someone you didn't love?
« Reply #14 on: April 13, 2006, 11:03:04 PM »
Quote from: Jet
Dunno man, I always subscibed to the idea that bad sex can ruin an otherwise good marriage, but good sex isn't going to save an otherwise bad one...

Right... i have know good sex with my ex-wife before, during AND after the marriage... but this have not stop the breakdown of our "relationship"...

Offline Daknack

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« Reply #15 on: April 14, 2006, 12:55:02 AM »
Groovecik understands my meaning.  Those things give incentive to put the extra needed effort out

I am not saying great sex will save a bad marriage but that it can save a good marriage that would otherwise dissolve through going through a troubled time.

I agree Jet that bad bex can ruin a marriage (especially if you are young)

Online Turboguy

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Would you marry someone you didn't love?
« Reply #16 on: April 14, 2006, 05:19:51 AM »
That bad bex will get you every time, young or old.   That is why us old farts go after the young gals we don't have enough energy to keep waking up our older partners every few minutes.   You just have to keep doing that to make sure they have not died on you from the excitment. 

Online 2tallbill

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Re: Would you marry someone you didn't love?
« Reply #17 on: January 20, 2021, 12:08:32 PM »

Classic battle between lower and upper brain.


That is a piece of solid gold advice and wisdom from BC
FSUW are not for entry level daters
FSUW don't do vague
FSUW like a man of action. Be a man of action 
If you find a promising girl, get your butt on a plane.
There are a hundred ways to be successful and a thousand ways to f#ck it up
Kiss the girl, don't ask her first.

Offline ML

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Re: Would you marry someone you didn't love?
« Reply #18 on: January 20, 2021, 03:49:35 PM »

Dunno man, I always subscribed to the idea that bad sex can ruin an otherwise good marriage, but good sex isn't going to save an otherwise bad one...



Sounds like a valid conclusion.
Bad sex was a major cause of dissolution of my first marriage.
Winston Churchill.  The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter.

 

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