Question about gifts and traveling

[jmana]

My fiancee's father is going to Russia (from the US) next month and I want to send some things to him to take over.  In particular is her engagement ring (I bought a cheap one while over there, but didn't really have time to shop for a nice one).  I am also sending her a used phone (her's isn't working right) and some small items for her and her daughter.  Thing is I don't want her father to have to pay any taxes on this stuff.  The only thing I'm really concerned about is the ring.  I was thinking maybe I could put everything in a box and gift wrap it?  Do you think they would open it?  I guess the other alternative is for him to put the ring on a necklace and say it's his mother's or something like that, but I'd rather keep it in the box.  Any thoughts?

[Muzh]

My fiancee's father is going to Russia (from the US) next month and I want to send some things to him to take over.  In particular is her engagement ring (I bought a cheap one while over there, but didn't really have time to shop for a nice one).  I am also sending her a used phone (her's isn't working right) and some small items for her and her daughter.  Thing is I don't want her father to have to pay any taxes on this stuff.  The only thing I'm really concerned about is the ring.  I was thinking maybe I could put everything in a box and gift wrap it?  Do you think they would open it?  I guess the other alternative is for him to put the ring on a necklace and say it's his mother's or something like that, but I'd rather keep it in the box.  Any thoughts?

Yeah, get her a nice fiance ring and a new phone.

[GQBlues]

As long as the total items he's going to carry with him doesn't exceed the weight limitation, it shouldn't cost him anything. It's no different than folks bringing gifts when traveling.

But why a 'cheap ring' and a 'used phone'? She's your fiancee...

ps.

Buy a Magicjack, program it at home, and have him take it with him...it'll be a great addition to that new iPhone5 you just (now) decided to buy for her.

[mendeleyev]

Sending "used" stuff prior to marriage may be practical but not always wise. Given the fact that it is a phone from your country, every person under 30 in her circle of family and friends is going to want to see the phone--they're fascinated by how technology may be similar or different in other parts of the world. All those folk are going to know it is used and some of them are going to opine on how her future husband is so "practical" (translation: cheap) that he can't or won't buy his bride a "nice" (translation: new) phone. You don't need to put her in that position cause she'll hear it often.

If you are expecting her to arrive to you very soon, buy a new phone and send it. But if the date of her arrival is a bit off or still uncertain, she can more easily purchase a nice phone that works well from a store in her city or region so unless you don't trust the FIL with a few bucks, I'd send her money instead.

You can compare some sample prices for Russia here: http://www.svyaznoy.ru/

And here for Ukraine: http://allo.ua/

Use www.xe.com for currency conversions. Personally, I'd ask her how much she needs for a phone because she may have something different in mind than what you see advertised and in some cases those specials may not be available in her area.

Not being sure of where you live, if you buy or send a phone, make sure it is Quad band (many American models are not) or it won't work in her country.

In addition to nieces and cousins, I have 3 daughters, one wife, one MIL and several Aunts, and two female pets. I wouldn't dare buy a phone for any of those gals without their input. I may set a budget target, but I'm smarter than to thread where most guys don't survive after threading. To most RW a phone is as personal as underwear. 

Next, and this is a hard concept for Western guys to accept because it is so deeply ingrained in how we've grown up, but as "engagement rings" aren't a Russian or Ukrainian tradition I wouldn't do a ring, personally, and instead would focus on two nice wedding bands. Go to a typical ZAGS/RAGS (wedding registry offices) and watch 50 weddings some weekend. If you find just one couple out of those 50 in which the bride arrives for her wedding with an engagement ring, I'll be stunned. Other than a nice piece of pretty jewelry, it has no special meaning in her culture and certainly isn't going to chase other guys away--they haven't a clue on what it means either.

With a recent birthday some may say I'm too old and that times have changed. Нет, не правда. In addition to the weddings of children of relatives and friends, in the past five years Mrs. Mendeleyeva and I have married off two of our daughters in Russian weddings and engagement rings weren't even an afterthought. Save the money and use it towards a nice phone.

[GQBlues]

There you go, OP. Perfect timing...

http://money.msn.com/business-news/article.aspx?feed=OBR&date=20130830&id=16855667


 

[BillyB]

But why a 'cheap ring'

He bought her a cheap ring while he was over there,... probably a spur of the moment thing. The nice ring is going over there with the father in law.


I don't think customs will mess with the ring. Carrying one ring doesn't make anyone look like a dealer. I've carried 3 laptops one time, two of which where new. Ukrainian Customs asked me why I had 3 and told them one is mine and the others are for my family. They let me go.

But why a 'used phone'?

A guy can get some new unlocked phones on ebay. Resell value would be decent in FSU when she gets ready to leave.


Jmana, I don't know what your budget is but if you're on limited income and your fiancee knows this, she may accept used items happily. Hopefully she's a team player and will help manage the family's money well.

[lonedrake]

My fiancee's father is going to Russia (from the US) next month and I want to send some things to him to take over.  In particular is her engagement ring (I bought a cheap one while over there, but didn't really have time to shop for a nice one).  I am also sending her a used phone (her's isn't working right) and some small items for her and her daughter.  Thing is I don't want her father to have to pay any taxes on this stuff.  The only thing I'm really concerned about is the ring.  I was thinking maybe I could put everything in a box and gift wrap it?  Do you think they would open it?  I guess the other alternative is for him to put the ring on a necklace and say it's his mother's or something like that, but I'd rather keep it in the box.  Any thoughts?

 This is a good plan. I doubt the custom officers are jewelers. I am sure you fiancee with appreciate the working phone and other gifts.

Ps...The first two posters reading comprehension must be off today (as he is sending her a nice ring....not cheap)

[ML]

I may set a budget target, but I'm smarter than to thread where most guys don't survive after threading.

Holy Mackerel Jim, I didn't know you had any experience with threading.   

http://hairremoval.about.com/od/threading/a/threading101.htm

Or maybe you meant tread and treading!!   

[mendeleyev]

ML, I didn't catch that misspelling. But I think you've opened up a new hobby for me! 

[jmana]

As long as the total items he's going to carry with him doesn't exceed the weight limitation, it shouldn't cost him anything. It's no different than folks bringing gifts when traveling.

But why a 'cheap ring' and a 'used phone'? She's your fiancee...

ps.

Buy a Magicjack, program it at home, and have him take it with him...it'll be a great addition to that new iPhone5 you just (now) decided to buy for her.

I got her a cheap ring while I was over there because I had no idea where to find a normal ring, so we just agreed that I would buy her a nicer one when I got home and send it to her.  Well that was before I took into consideration customs and the risk of the ring either getting stolen, or them charging her some outrageous tax in order to receive it.  But since her dad is going over there next week I figure it's the perfect opportunity to get the ring to her.

[jmana]

Oh, and I had actually bought her an iphone 4 (sorry, just couldn't justify the cost of the 5), but she said she had concerns about not knowing how to use it since she's only ever used Android.  So me being a good future husband told her "no problem" and gave the iphone to my son and bought her a nice used Android.  It's a quad band and is unlocked, and I rooted it and put the most current version of Android on it, and also installed Tango so hopefully we'll be able to make calls and text each other for nothing

[Faux Pas]

jmana
You are a bit confusing. Let me ask you this, Her father is in the U.S. and she is in the FSU? How did that happen? You have been over to meet her once? Then you bought her a cheap ring and proposed to replace with a better , prettier, more expensive ring later? How did you meet this woman?

You can unlock an iphone4 for 10 bucks. She likely would have liked it better over a used android, maybe not. Like I said, your whole relationship here is quite confusing. Not good, not bad, just lack of info for the questions you are asking. Pops can put the ring in his luggage and shouldn't have a problem with any tax

[jmana]

jmana
You are a bit confusing. Let me ask you this, Her father is in the U.S. and she is in the FSU? How did that happen? You have been over to meet her once? Then you bought her a cheap ring and proposed to replace with a better , prettier, more expensive ring later? How did you meet this woman?

You can unlock an iphone4 for 10 bucks. She likely would have liked it better over a used android, maybe not. Like I said, your whole relationship here is quite confusing. Not good, not bad, just lack of info for the questions you are asking. Pops can put the ring in his luggage and shouldn't have a problem with any tax

Sorry, didn't mean to be confusing:)  Yeah, her dad has lived in Seattle for many years, he is going to Russia next week to visit family.  The iphone 4 I bought was unlocked, she was more concerned with the apps being different I think.  And I really didn't say anything about the ring while I was there, she picked out the one she currently has, but it only cost like $30.  When I got home I began feeling guilty about it, even though she kept saying it was what she wanted, and I bought her a more expensive one.  Nothing extravagant, it was around $500, but I felt like I needed to show her she was worth it to me.  Oh, and I met her from a dating website.  Russianeuro I believe.  She has a daughter, and I really like her and her daughter, so hopefully it will work out.  I guess time will tell. 

[Faux Pas]

Sorry, didn't mean to be confusing:)  Yeah, her dad has lived in Seattle for many years, he is going to Russia next week to visit family.  The iphone 4 I bought was unlocked, she was more concerned with the apps being different I think.  And I really didn't say anything about the ring while I was there, she picked out the one she currently has, but it only cost like $30.  When I got home I began feeling guilty about it, even though she kept saying it was what she wanted, and I bought her a more expensive one.  Nothing extravagant, it was around $500, but I felt like I needed to show her she was worth it to me.  Oh, and I met her from a dating website.  Russianeuro I believe.  She has a daughter, and I really like her and her daughter, so hopefully it will work out.  I guess time will tell.

So she's only worth $500 to you? *kidding* It's a good gesture especially if she doesn't expect it. Pops will have no problem with the ring. The iphone is like a Mac. You set it to Ruskie/cyrillic and you're good to go. The apps are all the same. How many visits have you made?

[jmana]

Just one, in June.  Unfortunately I work for the state and apparently don't make as much $$$ as a lot of you guys do    I'd love to go back again at the end of the year but I just can't, and it looks like she'll be coming here sooner than I thought anyway.  I've known her now for about a year, so it will be good to really get to see what she is like when she is here.  When I was visiting her it was different because it was like a vacation for me, so it's really difficult to get to see someone's true colors (both her's and mine), and I kind of feel like it doesn't matter how many times I "visit" her, I'd never really feel like I know her 100% until she comes here and spends a couple months getting to really know me and what it's really like to live here.  But to be honest I don't know that she'll even like living here, she really wanted me to move there, and I would if there were decent paying jobs.  I really love St. Pete, but the combo of expensive living, and low paying jobs just isn't really great for trying to start a family

[Faux Pas]

Just one, in June.  Unfortunately I work for the state and apparently don't make as much $$$ as a lot of you guys do    I'd love to go back again at the end of the year but I just can't, and it looks like she'll be coming here sooner than I thought anyway.  I've known her now for about a year, so it will be good to really get to see what she is like when she is here.  When I was visiting her it was different because it was like a vacation for me, so it's really difficult to get to see someone's true colors (both her's and mine), and I kind of feel like it doesn't matter how many times I "visit" her, I'd never really feel like I know her 100% until she comes here and spends a couple months getting to really know me and what it's really like to live here.  But to be honest I don't know that she'll even like living here, she really wanted me to move there, and I would if there were decent paying jobs.  I really love St. Pete, but the combo of expensive living, and low paying jobs just isn't really great for trying to start a family

What are the conditions that she is coming here? It doesn't sound like a K-1 visa (which is good).

True, nothing about the venture is cheap. You don't need to be rich but, it does require some cash flow. Furthermore, when you visited her it was a vacation. Don't kid yourself. Also, don't kid yourself that there are shortcuts to the relationship, there isn't.

You need plenty of time to learn about each other. The more the better. The less you have, the lower the chances for any long term success and there are guarantees there. The chances IMHO of a cross cultural relationship succeeding on any level are much less than local ones. There is no substitute for face time. Not skype, not long dreamy emails or long conversations on the telephone.

It cost money to travel to Russia. If you are thinking this might be a woman to spend your life with, it's well worth the investment to know her, before you marry her, as opposed to learning about her after you married her and regret it. Read the archives here. Read them openly and objectively. There are some successes. Rarely do they come with little face time. But, the train wrecks usually always do.

[mendeleyev]

When I was visiting her it was different because it was like a vacation for me, so it's really difficult to get to see someone's true colors (both her's and mine), and I kind of feel like it doesn't matter how many times I "visit" her, I'd never really feel like I know her 100% until she comes here and spends a couple months getting to really know me and what it's really like to live here.  But to be honest I don't know that she'll even like living here, she really wanted me to move there, and I would if there were decent paying jobs.

This is why you really need more than one trip--it was a vacation and while there is nothing wrong with vacations, one shouldn't be putting a ring on a gals finger at the end of the vacation. Not withstanding the lack of an "engagement" concept in her culture and thus the lack of engagement rings, the bigger issue is that you don't know each other. Skype is great, but it isn't really being there.

As FP wrote, hopefully you can come to understand that the investment in both time and money is crucial prior to a wedding. If you can't afford to approach the wedding in a logical manner, wait until the divorce bills start rolling in. Go return that $500 ring she doesn't understand and use it as seed $ for your next trip.

[GQBlues]

...  She has a daughter, and I really like her and her daughter, so hopefully it will work out.  I guess time will tell.

jmana-

Your situation reminded me of a good member on this site - 'Son of Clyde'. IIRC, he works for the Fed (though unlike you - working for the State) and married a woman with a son. Maybe you should send him a PM, if he's still around, to give you some 'deeper' insights relative to your situation.

[jmana]

jmana-

Your situation reminded me of a good member on this site - 'Son of Clyde'. IIRC, he works for the Fed (though unlike you - working for the State) and married a woman with a son. Maybe you should send him a PM, if he's still around, to give you some 'deeper' insights relative to your situation.

Well, I think it's a little callous to think all similar situations are the same, and that all Russian women (or American men) are the same.  I have already been married to an FSU woman, a Ukrainian, but I was way too young to make any marriage work at the time, no matter where she was from.  I've learned a lot since then, and right now I am looking for a partner for life, I'm not going at this because I think this girl is "hot" or will put out, or anything like that.  In fact that's not even on my list of things I was looking for in a woman, what I want is someone I can trust, someone who I feel will always be there for me and who will appreciate what I have to offer.  And I feel Alina is that person.  I tried hard to find someone like that here, and got burned over and over, so I thought I'd expand my horizons once again and that's when I met her.  Granted I really don't know her, but I don't agree that I'd get to know her much better by making multiple trips to her home country.  I feel that the only way to really get to see what she will be like when she is here, is for her to actually come here.  I realize that's not a popular thought here, but several years ago I had met a woman from Moscow and it was the same thing, while she was over there it was fine, but when she came here we both knew after a month it wasn't going to work out and so she went back home.  We are still friends and talk occasionally, but even she knew she was different when she came to the states.  I am hoping that's not the case this time, but if it is at least I tried!   

[GQBlues]

Well, I think it's a little callous to think all similar situations are the same, and that all Russian women (or American men) are the same.  I have already been married to an FSU woman, a Ukrainian, but I was way too young to make any marriage work at the time, no matter where she was from.  I've learned a lot since then, and right now I am looking for a partner for life, I'm not going at this because I think this girl is "hot" or will put out, or anything like that.  In fact that's not even on my list of things I was looking for in a woman, what I want is someone I can trust, someone who I feel will always be there for me and who will appreciate what I have to offer.  And I feel Alina is that person.  I tried hard to find someone like that here, and got burned over and over, so I thought I'd expand my horizons once again and that's when I met her.  Granted I really don't know her, but I don't agree that I'd get to know her much better by making multiple trips to her home country.  I feel that the only way to really get to see what she will be like when she is here, is for her to actually come here.  I realize that's not a popular thought here, but several years ago I had met a woman from Moscow and it was the same thing, while she was over there it was fine, but when she came here we both knew after a month it wasn't going to work out and so she went back home.  We are still friends and talk occasionally, but even she knew she was different when she came to the states.  I am hoping that's not the case this time, but if it is at least I tried!

Callous?!? Hhhmmm, maybe presumptuous is a better term. But like I said, one of your statement reminded me of SOC when you stated:

....Unfortunately I work for the state and apparently don't make as much $$$ as a lot of you guys do....

He too, had mentioned once how he worked for the government and wasn't making too much money....He also was, at the time, interested in a woman (whom he eventually married) who had a child (son). Great guy IMO!

But speaking of callous, where I came from - men ask women for their hand in marriage because they feel they're the one they'd like to spend their lifetime with in marital bondage. So when women accept - they become 'engaged' to be married just as you apparently are...

But now in the same thread you seem to be saying you're not really sure is 'she's the one' and that having her in your state for a while will help 'you' make a better decision....

Is this woman even aware of this?

[jmana]

Callous?!? Hhhmmm, maybe presumptuous is a better term. But like I said, one of your statement reminded me of SOC when you stated:

He too, had mentioned once how he worked for the government and wasn't making too much money....He also was, at the time, interested in a woman (whom he eventually married) who had a child (son). Great guy IMO!

But speaking of callous, where I came from - men ask women for their hand in marriage because they feel they're the one they'd like to spend their lifetime with in marital bondage. So when women accept - they become 'engaged' to be married just as you apparently are...

But now in the same thread you seem to be saying you're not really sure is 'she's the one' and that having her in your state for a while will help 'you' make a better decision....

Is this woman even aware of this?

Sorry, I don't always pick the best words, LOL!  Yeah, she is aware of the fact that until we are together for a decent period of time we really won't know if we are completely compatible.  She's not one of these Russian girls who's pretending to be head over heels in love just to get over here, she doesn't need to, remember her dad lives here and she could have come here anytime she wanted.  So I think I've met one of the rare ones who is going about this the way any normal woman would, with caution, and is being honest and has flat out told me she hopes her love will grow once she comes here and not the other way around, but can't make any false promises.  But I think it will all work out, we both want what's best for our kids (I have an 11 year old, she's got the 3 year old), and it seems like we are both at a point in our lives where we just want a happy family and have learned from our past mistakes (hopefully!).