Women with Children - more strongly worded advice

[BC]

10k ? Aren't you a little bit optimistic here....

First, the 'carrot' has to be worthwhile..  second 10k in SP ain't gonna go that far considering she likely will not have a place to stay and has to find a job again.

It's fair IMHO.

[jone]

I have the feeling she was a 'minimum wage' type gal.

[BC]

I have the feeling she was a 'minimum wage' type gal.

Even if so doesn't change one or two months advance rent and costs for basic needs...  SP ain't somewhere in the 'boonies'.

[Gator]

BC,


10k sounds like a divorce settlement.  This is not a divorce.  Alina has not shown any evidence that she is arriving in good faith and committed to marriage with jmana.


Also, jmana does not have 10k.  He worked extra jobs to save enough to bring her over.  If they marry, his government job is enough to support the family of four.

A figure of $1000 is probably it.

[Ranetka]

I have the feeling she was a 'minimum wage' type gal.

Mmmmmm.....never mind her, he is not that type of guy lol

[Gator]

But sometimes, no matter how much the op posts that he is trying to make something out of nothing, the merciful answer is to end it, quickly and decisively.

Give up?   Please list precisely what that accomplishes. Alina has been in America only three weeks.  The game is not over.  He is coming out to play the second half with a new plan. 

Yes, jmana's "dream of marriage" is behind 27-3.  Although the prospects look bleak,  jmana lives in Raleigh, Jim Valvano country.   Don't give up.


Here's Valvano's "don't give up" speech when riddled with cancer.http://search.yahoo.com/search?fr=mcafee&type=A210US0&p=jim+valvano+never+give+upiHaving given some positive thoughts, I recognize there is still the possibility that Alina has a hidden agenda.

[BC]

BC,


10k sounds like a divorce settlement.  This is not a divorce.  Alina has not shown any evidence that she is arriving in good faith and committed to marriage with jmana.


Also, jmana does not have 10k.  He worked extra jobs to save enough to bring her over.  If they marry, his government job is enough to support the family of four.

A figure of $1000 is probably it.

If so sad..  I pretty much feel one should put things back on the shelf where they were or better, regardless.

1K ain't much of an enticement to return and 10K won't go far with a legal battle trying to prove 'good faith'.  As far as the government is concerned, good faith was established upon granting the K1/K3 visa.....  unless there is a huge amount of evidence otherwise.  Just sitting all day on the computer won't hack it.

[jone]

Yeah, but Jimmy V also lived within the Research Triangle.  We're talking Duke and North Carolina (who is having an off year) are also big brothers.  The chance for NC State to win is NOT very often.

The simple fact is that neither of these two have been able to sustain a simple relationship.  My god, man, the woman doesn't even have control over her own child - and doesn't care.  The more dirt that is thrown in this hole, the tougher it is going to be to dig out.  Plain and simple.    The handwriting is not on the wall.  It is plastered across billboards.

One last shot across the bow:  The simple fact that her father deserted her and that she has never had a meaningful relationship with a man demonstrates that she will bail at the first opportunity.  And speaking of opportunity, our destitute young friend here keeps writing bigger and bigger checks that no bank is gonna cash.  He has virtually no money and probably doesn't even have enough cash to get her back to Mother Russia.

Gator, this is not a glass is half full situation.  The longer this woman stays here, the more likely that some type of DV charge is going to be levied or something even more tragic happens.  And we will all be witnesses who stood by and didn't say anything except:  "Go for a Half Court Shot against Houston!"

[BC]

jone,

Have you BTDT?

12 years here has not been a piece of cake, even from the beginning.

It's all what you make of it in the end....

[jone]

Have I been married?  Yes
Have I had children?  Yes
Have I had a relationship with an Eastern European woman?  I am in one right now.  Are we married?  No. 

I am the eternal optimist about women and relationships.  But I also see the down side.  And when the downside risk is tremendous, as this is, then you must consider options that don't include the continuation of a relationship.

This woman is socially mal-adjusted.  She is not your prototypical Eastern European woman who makes tasty dishes and requires you to take your shoes off at the door.  (And loves with a big heart!)  Quite frankly, she's a basket case.  She is the worst of the fallout of a lack of social skills of this generation.  She is not going to easily integrate into society in RDU.  Instead, she will, immediately or later, implode and take our OP down with her.  And the consequences of this happening later could be tragic.  The downside risk is too great.  Drop her and get on with it.

[Gator]

And speaking of opportunity, our destitute young friend here keeps writing bigger and bigger checks that no bank is gonna cash.  He has virtually no money and probably doesn't even have enough cash to get her back to Mother Russia.

Probably or possibly?  I imagine the tickets had a return flight, maybe the 89th day.  He has the money for AOS if they marry.

The longer this woman stays here, the more likely that some type of DV charge is going to be levied or something even more tragic happens. 

jmana's call.  We have forewarned him to be cautious.  I will agree that the later he decides to terminate the engagement, the more likely she will expect it and thus could pull a false DV if she is so inclined. 


Is this the only thing accomplished by pulling the plug soon?

[jone]

Think this one through, Gator.  He is not you.  He is not me.  He doesn't have a bunch of money sitting around.  The pressure on her to perform (in so many ways) grows and grows.  Is the DV charges the only risk?  Quite honestly, no.  You've got a little girl running around and clawing and kicking to her heart's delight and a great deal of patience required by a new step father.  The woman has absolutely NO CLUE on what is required of her as a mother or a wife or even to be part of a family.

Why is it that I am the only one drawing negative conclusions here?  Have I gone over to the dark side?  The worst that could happen is what happens when Social Services do not become involved.  The resentment grows until the pressure cooker blows.  Draw your own conclusions.

The simple fact is that she is nowhere near what he was expecting.  And there are so many out there in his age range that do fit his profile.  Why should he settle for something less?   His requirement in choosing a wife is to examine if she is the one for him, and he is the one for her.  Her obvious response right now is NO!  He is not the one for her.  Maybe no one is. 

You don't think that is going to build resentment?  That she didn't even give this thing a chance?  Or for that matter, had no idea of how to give this thing a chance?  Most likely is not capable of giving this thing a chance?  It certainly would for me.  I know what a good relationship is like and I constantly tell people that if you don't have magic when you start, the likelihood of finding it later is rather remote.

[BillyB]

The longer this woman stays here, the more likely that some type of DV charge is going to be levied or something even more tragic happens.

So far she hasn't exhibited any behavior that would seem she would do something like that. When breaking up with her, only then jmana should worry if she'd get that ugly with him. IF he feels she's capable of getting that ugly with DV or even worse, child molestation accusations, it's best he break up with her sooner than later.


Sounds as if jmana is going to wait it out a little more. Waiting it out isn't going to solve the problems. Jmana must talk to the Alina now on what he expects from her and the relationship and she can tell him what she expects from him and the relationship. If they can't come to an agreement, or at least immediately work harder to meet in the middle, they should part ways and not waste more time. Rationalizing and finding excuses for her personality and behavior isn't going to improve anything. Jmana believes she's shy since she doesn't cozy up to him but she's been in bed with another man before yet won't sleep in his bed. How shy can she really be? If her shyness is real, Jmana needs to tell Alina to grow up and out of it fast so that a relationship can grow. He needs to figure out if it's shyness or if she's not into him as the reason why she's so cold.


I feel Alina either doesn't understand relationships and how to build on them or didn't enter into a relationship with jmana in good faith with an attitude "what can you do for me?" Either way, I wouldn't have the patience to make something out of very little or nothing, knowing that there are much better women out there to be in a relationship with. On the other hand jmana seems to be motivated towards building a relationship with Alina. His biggest crime is not getting to know her in depth before asking her to marry him. At the time she probably thought..."I'm out of a job, don't have much going on in life right now, why not? Doing nothing but anime and internet in America may be better than doing nothing but anime and internet in Russia" Alina didn't make her decision to marry jmana based on any feelings she had for him. Based off her actions,  or lack of, she never had any intention of being and growing as a wife. If anything, she needs to first work on being a mother before a wife.

[dogspot]

jmana,

Is the little girl attending school?

[Anotherkiwi]

jmana,

Is the little girl attending school?

She's only four, dogspot - I thought Americans started school at six?  Several people have suggested that Maria be enrolled in kindergarten or another type of pre-school to perhaps start making friends and learning the language of her new home.  I personally don't feel that there's much point right now, given how shaky the relationship between her mother and putative step-father appears to be.  Should the adults' relationship improve drastically (and extremely quickly), then maybe Maria's educational situation can be addressed.  However, there is so much that the adults have to fix that they may well give it up as a bad job - jmana certainly seems to be close to that point already.

[Shadow]

Frankly I see no reason trying to save this as there is nothing to save except Alina's presence in the USA.
Even if she would switch in to 'loving RW mode' that would just be temporary to get the marriage certificate and wait for the time to upgrade or make it on her own.

[Ade]

Frankly I see no reason trying to save this as there is nothing to save except Alina's presence in the USA.
Even if she would switch in to 'loving RW mode' that would just be temporary to get the marriage certificate and wait for the time to upgrade or make it on her own.

Yes, and who could blame her. He certainly deserves a life lesson in how not to be stupid, thoughtless, etc etc etc

[Shadow]

Yes, and who could blame her. He certainly deserves a life lesson in how not to be stupid, thoughtless, etc etc etc

Not every man is as wealthy, good-looking, generous, thoughtful, smart, polite and sexy as you or GQBlues.

I would not be trying for 3 weeks to get a woman to close her laptop, so jmana comes over to me as someone who also has a deal of good qualities, patience being one of them. He made some decisions we might question, but nobody is perfect and the best we can do is help him overcome the effects of those decisions.

[Ade]

Not every man is as wealthy, good-looking, generous, thoughtful, smart, polite and sexy as you or GQBlues.

You are right, but people can try to be little normal and considerate at least.

I would not be trying for 3 weeks to get a woman to close her laptop, so jmana comes over to me as someone who also has a deal of good qualities, patience being one of them. He made some decisions we might question, but nobody is perfect and the best we can do is help him overcome the effects of those decisions.

Patience? You think he's paitient? You are kidding me, right? What other good qualities do you think you've deduced from his posts, pray tell? I'm really very curious.

[Shadow]

You are right, but people can try to be little normal and considerate at least.

As soon as you put in such effort, others might as well.

Patience? You think he's paitient? You are kidding me, right? What other good qualities do you think you've deduced from his posts, pray tell? I'm really very curious.

We are not here to psycho-analyze the posters or what we perceive as their qualities and character traits.
For that they need something far different as a forum where the first thing someone posts can cause them to be condemned forever by some.

[Ade]

We are not here to psycho-analyze the posters or what we perceive as their qualities and character traits.

But you tried already - with both him and me (which raised a little titter I must admit). Being a little selective there huh Shadow?

[TheTraveler]

jmana,

Is the little girl attending school?

of course not -- good point dogspot.

no pre-school. no health insurance. no wedding date.

jmana lied on the k1 visa application:  he was not committed to marrying the girl.  this was a test drive.  a tryout.  nothing more.

the immigration laws that he broke existed to help him.  but he tried to game the system, and he lost (with plenty of collateral damage).

[Shadow]

But you tried already - with both him and me (which raised a little titter I must admit). Being a little selective there huh Shadow?

I am just a little dog who ponders about what he reads. Contrary to others I have no opinion about you, other than that you seem to feel the need to post negative about others, possibly to bring up your own self-esteem.
Nobody is perfect and if I adress people to do something I may be very guilty of the same. However in general I try to address the post, not the poster and give advice to move something forward instead of commenting on how I perceive past actions or the poster himself.

Your method seems to be to address others with remarks about the poster instead of adressing his message. Soo do not seem to be  trying to give him food for thought in his decision making process. If that is what makes you happy, well it does supply entertainment value at times, and probably you feel good about alienating strangers.

[dogspot]

She's only four, dogspot - I thought Americans started school at six?

No, in some states we have "Pre-K" programs that start at four. But typically our elementary Kindergarten programs start at five. But some parents may wish to get their kids and early start in some sort of preschool program.

[Misha]

My, what a convoluted thread. The odds are not good, and this is certainly not the way I would have gone about it, but one must try to make the best of a bad situation. Jmana, you may have done this, but I am curious as to whether you have tried to do something as a "family" outside where laptops would be awkward and perhaps WiFi would not be an option? I am thinking a day spent with Maria and Alina at a swimming pool, playground, or some other venue where Maria could play and Alina and you could simply chit-chat while out with Maria. You could even do smalltalk about the weather if need be. It could be as simple as going out together and walking to the nearest playground.