Women with Children - more strongly worded advice

[Slumba]

That's strange. In my experience one always had to prove that they had lived in a state for a certain amount of time to qualify for in-state tuition. I have never heard of it being the other way around. I believe this is false.

Nope, it is the same in a lot of states.  The deliberate destruction of the USA moves apace...

[TheTraveler]

... Plus for some reason she thought she could put Maria in preschool for free, I had to explain to her that it costs a minimum of $250 a week, up to $500 a week, and right now I can't pay for that.  I told her the best option was for her to babysit for a year or 2 until her daughter is old enough to go to school, and she could save that money and put it towards her education...

you had no business bringing a woman with a 4 year old child to the usa if you weren't prepared to pay for pre-school.  in our family, all our kids did half days at 3 and 4, and full days at 5 (kindergarten).  and that is fairly normal.

and this girl will probably need more help because of the language. -- but hey she ain't yours, so i guess that makes her cinderella.

your entire story reeks of cheapskate.

let's at least be honest -- you would have sent her back already, were it not for the high cost of the return airline tickets.  tell me i'm wrong.

[jmana]

you had no business bringing a woman with a 4 year old child to the usa if you weren't prepared to pay for pre-school.  in our family, all our kids did half days at 3 and 4, and full days at 5 (kindergarten).  and that is fairly normal.

and this girl will probably need more help because of the language. -- but hey she ain't yours, so i guess that makes her cinderella.

your entire story reeks of cheapskate.

let's at least be honest -- you would have sent her back already, were it not for the high cost of the return airline tickets.  tell me i'm wrong.

You're wrong.  I have $4,000 in reserve, about $2,000 of that is earmarked for the AOS.  But the other $2,000 would get eaten up quick if her daughter was put in a preschool.  And the thing is her daughter speaks no English, so it's not like she'd be going there to learn anything, I think the only reason Alina wants her to go is so she doesn't have to deal with her all day.  Like I said before, she was under the impression it was free, which couldn't be further from the truth.  So when I told her it costs a lot, she said she could work, but what she's not taking into account is that more than likely any job she'd get would be minimum wage and every dime after taxes would go to daycare anyway.  That's why I was trying to convince her that if she wants to save up for school, the best way to do it was to babysit in our home, that way she doesn't have to pay for daycare, but as I said that's when she informed me she really doesn't like kids.  I guess I never thought to ask her when I met her if she hated children, I mean that's not exactly the first thing that comes to mind to ask a parent you know? 

[Faux Pas]

jmana
Making a suggestion to a woman that hates kids, to babysit to earn money is potentially a bigger clusterf**k than your whole situation so far. Quite honestly, I didn't think they came much bigger than that one.

You honestly think you can love this woman? If you can, you should seek help immediately. You can't rationalize this away. Marrying Alina will have nothing but a bad ending for you and the 2 children involved. My advice is much like the rest you've been getting of late. End this thing. Buy the tickets and get her on board asap. You both are not prepared financially or emotionally for this relationship. Protecting your child from this train wreck should be your first priority.

[Gator]

And despite her daughter's terrible behavior, I do really love that little girl, I know it's not her fault she is the way she is.  She can be really sweet....

Part of this is because you are a family man who loves kids.  And another part is because you never had a daughter.

I too thought highly of the two children of my ex-wife from Moscow.  Kids grow up and leave the nest.  The glue should not be the kids but the relationship between the man and mother.

I feel so bad for her because I know if I were to send them home she would probably have no future, I think her mom would blame her for it not working out (when it reality it's Alina's lack of parenting skills and motivation that is causing the biggest rift). 

You don't know how the daughter will turn out.  Maybe she will be fine - she certainly will not let people walk over her.  Don't feel sorry.  Don't be a white knight.  It is not your fault that Alina has some abnormal psychological issues.  And I doubt you can correct her issues.

[Hammer2722]

Jmana, My suggestion to you is to spend $2000.00 on return tickets for Alina and her daughter ASAP!!! Give her the other $2000.00 so she will have some money to help her when she gets home. Its obvious she had no job when she left so she will be in a slightly better situation than when she left.
 
Dude, you are only making this worse for yourself the longer you delay this. Lets take a moment to list some of Alina's traits:
 
1. She is Lazy
 
2. She does not like kids
 
3. She shows absolutely no romantic interest in you!
 
4. She has nor cares to learn any parenting skills
 
5. She has no ambition
 
6. SHE IS A LIAR!!!! (This alone would be a deal breaker for me)
 
I could care less you think she is hot but in what sane world would a single father with a son want to marry a woman with such bad traits?????? You my friend are trying to convince yourself that you can fix it with time rather than own up to the fact you made a very bad judgement call in filing for a k1 before even traveling to meet this woman and learn anything about her.
 
Is any of this registering with you at all?????? 

[Muzh]

6. SHE IS A LIER!!!! (This alone would be a deal breaker for me)
 

You mean she is a liar.
 
If she is a lier, well, she's already lying so do the honors.
 
Anyway, this is my view of jmana:
 

[jone]

Congratulations, Jmana,

You have become the poster child for how not to marry an FSU Woman.   End the thing.  But don't spare us the details.  Your ramblings are on par with Kevin Spacey in House of Cards.  Every time we think that things can't get any worse - they do!  Have you ever thought of writing a blog for a little extra money?

[Wayne]

I think the little girl would qualify for special education classes in the public school system. You should contact the intermediate school district servicing you area. The preschool program for special education should be free to you.
 
I suggest you contact this organization:  Federation of Families for Children's Mental Health.
 
This is the national organization, but you should have a state group in North Carolina.
 
You need to get an advocate. You can get a lot of help for free. You just need to know where to start.
 
Once you get the child in school, Alaina can get busy doing something.

[dogspot]

Jmana, I can relate. Let me tell you a story that I have never made public on this forum but might help you understand that others have experienced what you are going through and might give you the strength to cut ties.

Some years ago I was in a similar position with a beautiful young lady whom I brought to America on a K1. I had spent a total of three weeks with her prior to her coming here: a couple weeks in Moscow, where she lived, and one week in the Siberian village (where she was raised), where I met her parents, grandparents and brothers. Her English was fair but not great, she was reasonably well educated (a university degree), she had a solid career (she worked as a lawyer in Moscow)... but she was temperamental and demonstrated a tendency toward laziness.

All of this was fine to me because she was so damn cute and a fantastic lover. I did my due diligence but ignored the red flags and did not think much of what the future held other than waking up every day next to that adorable face. This was my mistake.

She arrived in the US and things were a little shaky at first as she tried to assimilate. She struggled to "find a common language" with my parents, friends and family, she vehemently expressed her disinterest in being a parent figure to my then nine year old son, and she had little to no desire in going back to work. She spent hours online, privately chatting with acquaintances back home or posting her thoughts on various social media (that were completely foreign to me at the time.) But she still expressed her desire to marry and continued to show her affection for me both in public and in private.

Her mood swings made it challenging and, coupled with her behavior toward and around my family, I had serious doubts that this relationship could stand the test in matrimony.

Six or seven weeks went by and we needed to start making plans for a wedding. My feet were frozen and I had to say something however difficult. I couldn't fight the overwhelming feeling of doubt. I fought this for a couple more weeks before I sat her down and explained to her how I felt. It was not easy as I was essentially ending the relationship right then and there. With a fiancé visa there is no "I'm just not ready"...

Her reaction was as expected: anger, resentment and hostility followed by silence. Although the relationship had ended, she decided to stay for the remaining time on her visa and make the most of her time in America. We still spent time together, seeing the sites and acting as tourists…and most of it was enjoyable. The disappointment faded and at the end of it all she was excited to return to Russia, to her friends and family and to a life that was familiar. She had no job but she was capable. She had no home but she had family. She needed nothing from me and said goodbye with a soft kiss on the cheek.

Although this was one of the most difficult decisions I ever had to make, to say goodbye to a pretty face and incredible lover, it was one of the wisest decisions of my life.

I made some mistakes and learned from them. I took a (short) break from dating but ultimately ended up back in the FSU, communicating with one lady who initially told me she didn't ever want to leave Russia and whom I would later call my wife.

Today I am married to the most amazing woman in the world. She loves me like I've never been loved. She has a wonderful relationship with all my family, especially my mother and my son, and has recently given birth to a son of our own. She is exceptionally beautiful. She takes care of our home and our finances and is an outstanding cook. She speaks near perfect English, has a tremendous amount of motivation, is incredibly selfless, and after only three years of being here, holds the position of Senior Accountant for the company for which she works and is in the process of testing for her CPA license.

[Wayne]

It looks like you have a special education preschool program in your public school system:

Special Education Services
SES Parent Information Center
The Wake County Public School System provides special education and related services according to the federal mandates of the Individual with Disabilities Act and the regulations of the North Carolina Public School Law, Article 9.
If you have questions regarding your child’s IEP and services please contact the Office of Family and Community Connections in Special Education Services:
Dani White/Secretary (919) 431-7334 office, (919) 431-7143 Spanish line, (919) 858-3205 fax,
email facc@wcpss.net
We can answer your questions even before you enroll. You can find additional information about moving to the Wake County Public School System on our Parent Information Center Blackboard site.
The school system provides a continuum of service to meet the individual needs of learners. Whenever possible students are served in schools in their base attendance area or in schools of choice with support from special education and related services and/or building modifications.
For those students who must have a separate setting or more intensive services in order to benefit from their special education, programs are clustered geographically but continue to be based on school campuses that house age appropriate peers.
Eligibility for special services
The Public Schools of North Carolina, Exceptional Children Division provides local units with detailed procedures for the delivery of special education services. These rules and regulations are detailed in Policies Governing Services For Children With Disabilities.
Services are provided under the following areas of identification:
·         Autism Spectrum Disorder
·         Deaf/Blindness
·         Developmental Delay
·         Serious Emotional Disability
·         Hearing Impairment
·         Intellectual Disability
·         Multiple Disabilities
·         Other Health Impairment
·         Orthopedic Impairment
·         Preschool Special Education
·         Specific Learning Disability
·         Speech/Language Impairment

·         Transition Services
·         Traumatic Brain Injury
·         Visual Impairment
·         Notes to newcomers
If you are new to Wake County and have a child who has been receiving special education services, you will need to register your child at the Office of Student Assignment, 2725 Dillard Drive, Cary, NC 27518. where you will receive a NC-Wise student ID number and a school assignment.
To enroll, you will need:
·         Your child’s birth certificate
·         Proof of your address (like a current electric bill)
·         A photo ID of the parent or guardian
You will be asked to complete a registration packet. Please check the on the data sheet that indicates your child has an IEP. If you have a copy of the IEP please take it with you to the Office of Student Assignment when you register.

 

[BillyB]

Although this was one of the most difficult decisions I ever had to make, to say goodbye to a pretty face and incredible lover, it was one of the wisest decisions of my life.

I made some mistakes and learned from them. I took a (short) break from dating but ultimately ended up back in the FSU, communicating with one lady who initially told me she didn't ever want to leave Russia and whom I would later call my wife.

Today I am married to the most amazing woman in the world. She loves me like I've never been loved. She has a wonderful relationship with all my family, especially my mother and my son, and has recently given birth to a son of our own. She is exceptionally beautiful. She takes care of our home and our finances and is an outstanding cook. She speaks near perfect English, has a tremendous amount of motivation, is incredibly selfless, and after only three years of being here, holds the position of Senior Accountant for the company for which she works and is in the process of testing for her CPA license.

Thanks for sharing the story. There is a woman like your wife out there for jmana. It's up to jmana to leave the current path and choose the path to find her. He'll have to start over. It's going to take some time but if he finds a quality family oriented woman, it's worth it.

[jone]

I can't believe I'm actually contributing to this train wreck!

But the answer he is looking for is the Head Start Program.  It is a program dedicated to helping pre-k children start at the same level as normal (English Speaking) children and it teaches English to the kids before they enter Kindergarten.   It is a FREE service sponsored by the Federal Government.

http://ncchildcare.nc.gov/general/mb_headstart.asp

(North Carolina's Head Start connection link)

[jmana]

I can't believe I'm actually contributing to this train wreck!

But the answer he is looking for is the Head Start Program.  It is a program dedicated to helping pre-k children start at the same level as normal (English Speaking) children and it teaches English to the kids before they enter Kindergarten.   It is a FREE service sponsored by the Federal Government.

http://ncchildcare.nc.gov/general/mb_headstart.asp

(North Carolina's Head Start connection link)

That's for low income people, I wouldn't qualify for it.  That's what sucks about being "middle class", can't afford to pay for stuff after paying taxes, but make too much to get any freebies.

[jone]

I'm not suggesting you apply for it.  I'm suggesting your current live-in house guest apply for it through the visa she currently holds.   

[jmana]

I'm not suggesting you apply for it.  I'm suggesting your current live-in house guest apply for it through the visa she currently holds.   

Oh, but I thought she falls under my financial responsibility?

[CanadaMan]

Let me tell you a story that I have never made public on this forum...

All of this was fine to me because she was so damn cute and a fantastic lover.

...Although this was one of the most difficult decisions I ever had to make, to say goodbye to a pretty face and incredible lover,


Today I am married to the most amazing woman in the world. She loves me like I've never been loved. She has a wonderful relationship with all my family, especially my mother and my son, and has recently given birth to a son of our own. She is exceptionally beautiful. She takes care of our home and our finances and is an outstanding cook. She speaks near perfect English, has a tremendous amount of motivation, is incredibly selfless, and after only three years of being here, holds the position of Senior Accountant for the company for which she works and is in the process of testing for her CPA license.

Great story dogspot, but you left out one important detail.
Is your amazing woman a fantastic/incredible lover? 

[Vinnvinny]

Jmana, I can relate. Let me tell you a story that I have never made public on this forum but might help you understand that others have experienced what you are going through and might give you the strength to cut ties …...

Thanks for sharing your story dogspot. The moral of yours and other tales is guys should date a lady for at least 2 years before making any commitment. Whilst some might disagree I will add in support of my position that it’s worked well for me, I’ve yet to be divorced from a FSU woman.

[southernX]

jmana ,

do you really think alina doesnt like kids ??

i mean seriously ??

id be more inclined to interpet her responses  as below

1 she may have not been ready to have children when she got pregnant
2 she didnt think the father was a long term marriage prospect , so having a child with him was not on her agenda, but it happened anyway , given her religion she did not terminate the pregnancy etc etc

3 she is young and possibly immature
4 advising you she doesnt like kids so wont babysit , is cover for i dont want to do that job , full stop !!
not so much i dont like kids

observe and answer this for me please if you will

how is she with her daughter , what  are her actions , does she cuddle her, kiss her , hold her hands when out walking etc etc
how is she with your son ??  you advised us she treated him well ?  describe what you mean by that if you can please jmana ,

personally , i think she is being demonised a bit here , you seem to be concentrating on the negatives that dont fit your expectations on how life with alina was going to be ,


have you discussed with her the option of her and the daughter returning to their home ??
if so what was her reaction ??

or has it just been continue on and hope it improves ,

have you sat down together and really honestly discussed all options of your futures available to you both ?/
put all the issues on the table to understand the choices you both can take ?
both independently & together ?
id certainly be doing this asap

SX

[jone]

Oh, but I thought she falls under my financial responsibility?

Is She Married?  Is she living in the US Legally?  Then she is the responsible party.  Not you. 

[BillyB]

jmana ,

do you really think alina doesnt like kids ??

i mean seriously ??

This is what jmana said earlier "She said that she knows everything has been a little difficult, especially with her daughter's behavior, and she accepted full blame for it.  She admitted to being lazy in that area and said she never really liked children."


That statement is an excuse for why she is neglecting her daughter, not an excuse for not wanting to do a babysitting job. Now, Alina lied before so it's possible Alina can lie again and actually loves kids but I doubt it.


Alina neglects her own flesh and blood. She has a child to feed yet she's constantly on the internet and quit her job in Russia because she needed more sleep. Behind internet and sleep, feeding and clothing her child is 3rd or lower on her list of priorities. This situation has bad news written all over it.

[jmana]

jmana ,

do you really think alina doesnt like kids ??

i mean seriously ??

id be more inclined to interpet her responses  as below

1 she may have not been ready to have children when she got pregnant
2 she didnt think the father was a long term marriage prospect , so having a child with him was not on her agenda, but it happened anyway , given her religion she did not terminate the pregnancy etc etc

3 she is young and possibly immature
4 advising you she doesnt like kids so wont babysit , is cover for i dont want to do that job , full stop !!
not so much i dont like kids

observe and answer this for me please if you will

how is she with her daughter , what  are her actions , does she cuddle her, kiss her , hold her hands when out walking etc etc
how is she with your son ??  you advised us she treated him well ?  describe what you mean by that if you can please jmana ,

personally , i think she is being demonised a bit here , you seem to be concentrating on the negatives that dont fit your expectations on how life with alina was going to be ,


have you discussed with her the option of her and the daughter returning to their home ??
if so what was her reaction ??

or has it just been continue on and hope it improves ,

have you sat down together and really honestly discussed all options of your futures available to you both ?/
put all the issues on the table to understand the choices you both can take ?
both independently & together ?
id certainly be doing this asap

SX

She told me she got the job at the graphic arts shop because she couldn't take the babysitting job anymore.  She said it killed her to have to read and pay attention to the kid for 4 hours.  That's when she said she really doesn't like kids.  And her relationship with her daughter is odd.  I don't know what she's saying when she's yelling at her, and I don't know what the girl is saying to piss her off, but they seem to always be either arguing, or Maria will be saying stuff to her mom and Alina is ignoring her.  Alina says she isn't speaking any language, and a lot of times I think that's true.  Maria doesn't seem to understand when she needs to stop misbehaving, she doesn't take cues from the tone of her mom's voice  that's for sure.  The yelling seems to not phase her, she just continues to do whatever she was doing, and usually puts on a mischievous smile.  Alina's friend was here last week, and she works at a school, and said she thinks Maria should be tested for autism, but of course the test is only in English, and they won't allow a parent to interpet.  So that would make sense if she has some kind of autism like disorder, it would explain a lot.  But then I have to wonder if Alina's parenting is what caused these traits, not an actual disorder.

[BillyB]

  Alina's friend was here last week,

Alina made a friend in a matter of weeks since she been in America? Or was this an old friend back in Russia? If so, was it a coincidence she got hooked up with a guy(you) who happened to live near her friend?

So that would make sense if she has some kind of autism like disorder, it would explain a lot.

 

That we don't know but what we do know is Maria has been exposed to a lot of bad parenting and that explains a lot.

[pitbull]

She told me she got the job at the graphic arts shop because she couldn't take the babysitting job anymore.  She said it killed her to have to read and pay attention to the kid for 4 hours.  That's when she said she really doesn't like kids.  And her relationship with her daughter is odd.  I don't know what she's saying when she's yelling at her, and I don't know what the girl is saying to piss her off, but they seem to always be either arguing, or Maria will be saying stuff to her mom and Alina is ignoring her.  Alina says she isn't speaking any language, and a lot of times I think that's true.  Maria doesn't seem to understand when she needs to stop misbehaving, she doesn't take cues from the tone of her mom's voice  that's for sure.  The yelling seems to not phase her, she just continues to do whatever she was doing, and usually puts on a mischievous smile.  Alina's friend was here last week, and she works at a school, and said she thinks Maria should be tested for autism, but of course the test is only in English, and they won't allow a parent to interpet.  So that would make sense if she has some kind of autism like disorder, it would explain a lot.  But then I have to wonder if Alina's parenting is what caused these traits, not an actual disorder.

How much does the girl actually speak? Sngle words? How many? Sentences of how many words? 2? 3? 4? Multiple word sentences?


But more importantly, how is her receptive language? Does she understand everything? Does she answer questions? Follow directions? Like if Alina asks her to go to the bedroom and bring the brown teddy bear-would she easily do things like that?


They do allow a parent to interpret during testing, if the child only knows one language.

[jmana]

Alina made a friend in a matter of weeks since she been in America? Or was this an old friend back in Russia? If so, was it a coincidence she got hooked up with a guy(you) who happened to live near her friend?

It was an old friend of hers from back home that is now living here.  She came here on a tourist visa, and the person she was visiting hooked her up with an American guy