Women with Children - more strongly worded advice

[jmana]

Jmana,I agree with BillyB, you have problems with Alina, not with her daughter. I'm of the same age as she and my son is also 4 years old, so I can easily put myself into her shoes. It's really her job to make you and her daughter to become friends ans she seems too absorbed in her viber world( 4 year old not speaking is a nonsence! Why she didn't consulted speach therapist earlier? in this age children here already can read, and she is not talking yet.Was she not concerned about this fact previously?
Well, back to Alina and you...from what can be seen from your words your relationships don't look promising much. Do I understand you correctly that Alina and her daughter sleep apart and you sleep alone?Or you all 3 sleep in one bad? Alina doesn't meet you when you come back hone from work, she listens to you with one earphone in her ear still being in her laptop....do you see any signs that she is into you at all?I don't see any from what you have told us here. I try to imagine myself on her place, the man that I like and was waiting long to be together with comes from work and I keep surfing Internet...and it's only two weeks after we started living together...something is wrong there,Jmana

You're right about everything, except we don't all sleep in one bed, she sleeps in the loft above my room with her daughter.  I thought this would be a temporary thing, as in the first couple days, but now I'm not sure if she's thinking this is a permanent arrangement. 

[Muzh]

You're right about everything, except we don't all sleep in one bed, she sleeps in the loft above my room with her daughter.  I thought this would be a temporary thing, as in the first couple days, but now I'm not sure if she's thinking this is a permanent arrangement.

I have this nasty suspicicion that you are nothing but a
 

[jmana]

I have this nasty suspicicion that you are nothing but a
 

Wow, thanks for contributing to the conversation

[Shadow]

You're right about everything, except we don't all sleep in one bed, she sleeps in the loft above my room with her daughter.  I thought this would be a temporary thing, as in the first couple days, but now I'm not sure if she's thinking this is a permanent arrangement.

Well at least the sleeping arrangements are clear. With two guys and MrsShadow wandering around here you never I never know who is near me at night, or even if I will wake up in the same bed I go to sleep in....

[Hammer2722]

If your fiance is not even sleeping in your bed yet, you definitely have lots of work ahead of you.....Relationship wise.

[BillyB]

except we don't all sleep in one bed, she sleeps in the loft above my room with her daughter.  I thought this would be a temporary thing, as in the first couple days, but now I'm not sure if she's thinking this is a permanent arrangement.

You're going to take some flak for saying that but there is good reason for people to be concerned for you. You should be concerned if the lady is "into you" or not. I don't know your full story but if you two are married, your wife should be sleeping in your bed. If you're not married yet and due to morals and/or religious reasons, some people won't sleep in the same bed as their fiancé/fiancée until after the ceremony.

[jmana]

You're going to take some flak for saying that but there is good reason for people to be concerned for you. You should be concerned if the lady is "into you" or not. I don't know your full story but if you two are married, your wife should be sleeping in your bed. If you're not married yet and due to morals and/or religious reasons, some people won't sleep in the same bed as their fiancé/fiancée until after the ceremony.

We aren't married yet.  I do have to have a conversation about when she plans to transition away from her daughter's bed, because if she thinks it's permanent there won't be a wedding.

[Jumper]

Dude. At 28 and behaving like that? Give her the benefit of the doubt and assume she is stressed, depressed, overwhelmed, whatever. Before you fine any counselor, you have to earn her trust big time. Spend as much time as you can with her. Disable the computer. Actually, disable the modem and go without connection until you both have settled as husband an wife. Ignore the child's outbursts. She is having one hell of a time and wants her mother's attention. You are her rival. But most importantly, disable the computer connection and start having a husband/wife relationship and explain it to her like that: "Oh honey, what a great opportunity for us to get to know each other better. I'll call the cable company later. Let's snuggle."

Muzh.. while i agree overall-that the entire issue is jmana's and Alina's.
The two have to sit down, pay attention to each other and have solid communication to work through such issues.

but I'm trying to get from the *have a husband /wife relationship*,
 to your  advise of disabling the wife's modem or computer.


That advice sounds controlling, and like a parent with a child ,
, not husband /wife.

Generally a  guy coming here saying he was disconnecting his newly arrived fiancee's modem (which she may be using to contact family and friends) would be strung up by you or and most everyone else, so this seems odd advice.




If Alina is unwilling to unplug long enough to address their relationship issues, then force ably unplugging her doesn't  seem a viable answer?.

[Muzh]

Wow, thanks for contributing to the conversation

Notice that the graphic is for a pack mule. From what you are describing, you may have been the victim of someone who has used you to get here.

[Muzh]

If your fiance is not even sleeping in your bed yet, you definitely have lots of work ahead of you.....Relationship wise.

Relationship?
 
There is NO relationship.

[Wayne]

Jmana, did you take vacation time when Alina came? Did you take them to various interesting places? Do you live in a small town? Does she drive? Has the weather been cold?
 
Do you have wedding plans yet? The support form for USCIS for the K-1 is not really binding. If you marry and file for change of status, you must sign a different form which is binding.
 
What is Alina's work history?

[Muzh]

Generally a  guy coming here saying he was disconnecting his newly arrived fiancee's modem (which she may be using to contact family and friends)
 would be strung up by you or and most everyone else,
so this seems odd advice.

That is not the case, was it?
 
It has nothing to do with being controlling. It has everything to do with finding out her ulterior motives.
 
He's been taken for a ride and the peanut gallery here sounds like BillyB's MIL offering sex advice to him.
 
There is no relationship.

[Jumper]

Well she seems happy to see me when I get home at least.  She runs to the door to greet me (something her mom doesn't do).  And I thought she was learning to speak English, every time she wanted something from me she would say "dadda", so I thought she thought I was now her dad, but after a couple days of this I just began to respond to her when she would say it and then Alina said "I don't know why she says this word, it's not even a word, it means nothing"  

Seems promising and it meant something to the child,
so should have been encouraged by you (it seemingly was)
and by her mother (it seems it was not , which is odd)

The ice cream thing is weird.  One day we were out and I asked about getting ice cream, she said to me "it's too cold to eat ice cream" like I was crazy for even suggesting it, but then over the weekend she wanted to stop and get a milkshake, and a lava cake with ice cream (and french fries) for lunch    And she proceeded to dip the fries in the ice cream, strangest thing I've ever seen in my life.

lol, let that stuff go, its nothing and can be random.
Relax , be patient, there are things to be concerned over,
this isn't.


The real issues are between you and Alina, sit down  together and  address them.

The child is not the  issue, you could be a big ,and positive  influence in her life with empathy  for the situation  she is at now , and what she is dealing with.

So work on your relationship with Alina,find out together  where you two stand.
Cutting of the computer seems totalitarian and weird to me.


She should want to sit down and speak with you, get an interpreter if you need one.
If presented in a positive way , and she does not want to work on the relationship, you'll have answers either way.

[lonedrake]

Jmana,I agree with BillyB, you have problems with Alina, not with her daughter. I'm of the same age as she and my son is also 4 years old, so I can easily put myself into her shoes. It's really her job to make you and her daughter to become friends ans she seems too absorbed in her viber world( 4 year old not speaking is a nonsence! Why she didn't consulted speach therapist earlier? in this age children here already can read, and she is not talking yet.Was she not concerned about this fact previously?
Well, back to Alina and you...from what can be seen from your words your relationships don't look promising much. Do I understand you correctly that Alina and her daughter sleep apart and you sleep alone?Or you all 3 sleep in one bad? Alina doesn't meet you when you come back hone from work, she listens to you with one earphone in her ear still being in her laptop....do you see any signs that she is into you at all?I don't see any from what you have told us here. I try to imagine myself on her place, the man that I like and was waiting long to be together with comes from work and I keep surfing Internet...and it's only two weeks after we started living together...something is wrong there,Jmana

+17

[Wayne]

Here is something I believe in:
 
  CHILDREN LEARN WHAT THEY LIVE
Dorothy Law Nolte
[size=-1]If a child lives with criticism,
he learns to condemn. [/size]
[/size][size=-1]If a child lives with hostility,
he learns to fight. [/size]
[/size][size=-1]If a child lives with fear,
he learns to be apprehensive. [/size]
[/size][size=-1]If a child lives with pity,
he learns to feel sorry for himself. [/size]
[/size][size=-1]If a child lives with ridicule,
he learns to be shy. [/size]
[/size][size=-1]If a child lives with jealousy,
he learns what envy is. [/size]
[/size][size=-1]If a child lives with shame,
he learns to feel guilty. [/size]
[/size][size=-1]If a child lives with encouragement,
he learns to be confident. [/size]
[/size][size=-1]If a child lives with tolerance,
he learns to be patient. [/size]
[/size][size=-1]If a child lives with praise,
he learns to be appreciative. [/size]
[/size][size=-1]If a child lives with acceptance,
he learns to love. [/size]
[/size][size=-1]If a child lives with approval,
he learns to like himself. [/size]
[/size][size=-1]If a child lives with recognition,
he learns that it is good to have a goal. [/size]
[/size][size=-1]If a child lives with sharing,
he learns about generosity. [/size]
[/size][size=-1]If a child lives with honesty and fairness,
he learns what truth and justice are. [/size]
[/size][size=-1]If a child lives with security,
he learns to have faith in himself and in those about him. [/size]
[/size][size=-1]If a child lives with friendliness,
he learns that the world is a nice place in which to live. [/size]
[/size][size=-1]If you live with serenity,
your child will live with peace of mind. [/size]
[/size][size=-1]With what is your child living? [/size]
Source: Canfield, J. & Wells, H. C. (1976). 100 ways to enhance self-concept in the classroom: A handbook for teachers and patents. Boston: Allyn & Bacon.

[Wayne]

Are you sure that Alina is not using her computer to communicate with other men?

 

[Muzh]

Disable the modem and you will quickly find out.

[Jumper]

 
That is not the case, was it?
 
It has nothing to do with being controlling. It has everything to do with finding out her ulterior motives.
 
He's been taken for a ride and the peanut gallery here sounds like BillyB's MIL offering sex advice to him.
 
There is no relationship.

We dont know what the case was, actually do we?
you are going off jmana's view that shes uses it to visit anime sites, (he did not say *only*)
but you think she doesnt also utilize it to speak or remain in contact with friends or family?
odnoklassniki,, email..skype etc?

You arn't the only one that can roll their eyes at odd advice.    


I'll suggest that when things arn't smooth a guy should  not simply disconnect their newly arrived fiancees lap top and modem as a method to ascertain their standings with her?
There are better ways to determine that.

Its seems she isn't that into him or the relationship, but its on him to sit down , actually communicate with her and determine that.

Physically cutting off her contact to family /friends ,or even her chosen entertainment seems unproductive at best.

Its a behavior most women wouldn't tolerate regardless the level the relationship is at,(if any)
and a behavior by a man of last resort bullying to attempt to force the issue of communication.
Seems particularly strange advice coming from you actually.

Hey good luck with that, if she doesnt want to talk.. pulling a modem isn't going to achieve much other than reassure someone the man she relocated for is controlling and weird.
If your assessment that she is using him is accurate ,
it would just justify in her mind her actions..reinforcing she carries through.

The odds he would learn  anything by cutting off the modem is slim.
The reaction is going to be negative from most any woman, with any motivation.Very few like being treated as  a child..
So the best info he will get is that it pissed her off,regardless any underlying reason.

If the relationship doesn't exist or is doomed , that's not a good way to determine it.

[fathertime]

You are so wrong in so many counts.
 

practically everything i've said was either said by others or reinforced by later posts...so if i'm 'wrong' then so is everybody else....I tend to think it is you that is mistaken...and a little wild with your words.


Since you like to critique other people's well-intentioned and good suggestions, and interpret them disrespectfully here is a little nugget of yours which is terrible advice. 

  . Ignore the child's outbursts. She is having one hell of a time and wants her mother's attention. You are her rival. But most importantly, disable the computer connection and start having a husband/wife relationship and explain it to her like that: "Oh honey, what a great opportunity for us to get to know each other better. I'll call the cable company later. Let's snuggle."

Ignore the child and 'snuggle'?  So let the child throw herself against the wall and scream and wail, so you can 'snuggle'...Ridiculous...not to mention, I don't know any mothers that would be able to enjoy 'snuggle time' when the daughter is screaming her head off the next room over...


You should learn to process information a little better instead of spitting out a bunch of bad suggestions during your caffeine rushes.


Fathertime!     

[Jumper]

Disable the modem and you will quickly find out.

maybe you should cut the phone lines too.. and access to the library..
or Mcdonalds or Starbucks with wifi


jmana
Simply talk to your fiancee. 
Don't become a controlling man regardless what her motivations are,
if there are not good, controlling her in that form is the least of your worries.

if they were good, you'll only establish doubt and distrust into an aleady troubled relationship.

[fathertime]

You're right about everything, except we don't all sleep in one bed, she sleeps in the loft above my room with her daughter.  I thought this would be a temporary thing, as in the first couple days, but now I'm not sure if she's thinking this is a permanent arrangement.

Hi Jmana,


Yeah you really gotta sort this out with the lady pronto! ...the fact that you are sleeping alone would bother me ALOT....a woman that wants to sleep with her man would find away while the child is sleeping or something...even if it is just for an hour or 2...  This relationship sounds asexual to me at this point,,,and unless she is very religious, it seems there should be some progression in that department.


Fathetime! 

[Gator]

Jmana,

When you visited Alina in Russia, did you have the same sleeping arrangements as today?

I understand some children go through phases and also could be stressed by moving to a strange world. They may need to be comforted more during these phases. 

In such cases, mama bear will go to bed with baby bear and when baby bear falls asleep, return to papa bear's bed.   For mama bear to spend the entire night with baby bear would be huge red flag.

You seem to be very forthright in disclosing information.  Is there anything else pertinent to this discussion before we scream "abandon ship."  It boils down to the feelings that you and Alina have for each other.  From what you have described, I see nothing glowing.


I ask because your situation sounds eerily similar to the poster child for mules, namely Maxx.  Maxx's finance had sex with him just once in America.   From then on, she slept the entire night with her young son.  She did weird things, anything to avoid spending time with Maxx.  She soon filed false DV charges against Maxx, and used governmental rules whereby she could stay in the US and eventually gain citizenship.  The false DV charges in combination with the false love set back Maxx psychologically for years as well as created a large expense in legal fees. 

We sincerely hope this is not the case.
Even though Alina has been in America only two weeks, do not let this slide.  Earlier I said you needed more patience when I thought this only about the child.  Frankly, my patience would be a little thin unless you are feeling  a strong emotional connection with Alina.

[Faux Pas]

Jmana, did you take vacation time when Alina came? Did you take them to various interesting places? Do you live in a small town? Does she drive? Has the weather been cold?
 
Do you have wedding plans yet? The support form for USCIS for the K-1 is not really binding. If you marry and file for change of status, you must sign a different form which is binding.
 
What is Alina's work history?

That is not true. It is extremely binding. Only it is seldom enforced but, it is binding

[Hammer2722]

From reading Jmana's posts, I'm starting to get the sense that their relationship was not based on romance. Jmana, please correct me if I'm wrong but the fact that your fiance would not even welcome you home when you arrived from work or even attempts to give you her undivided attention leads me to believe she has no romantic feelings for you....

[jmana]

Jmana,

When you visited Alina in Russia, did you have the same sleeping arrangements as today?

I understand some children go through phases and also could be stressed by moving to a strange world. They may need to be comforted more during these phases. 

In such cases, mama bear will go to bed with baby bear and when baby bear falls asleep, return to papa bear's bed.   For mama bear to spend the entire night with baby bear would be huge red flag.

You seem to be very forthright in disclosing information.  Is there anything else pertinent to this discussion before we scream "abandon ship."  It boils down to the feelings that you and Alina have for each other.  From what you have described, I see nothing glowing.


I ask because your situation sounds eerily similar to the poster child for mules, namely Maxx.  Maxx's finance had sex with him just once in America.   From then on, she slept the entire night with her young son.  She did weird things, anything to avoid spending time with Maxx.  She soon filed false DV charges against Maxx, and used governmental rules whereby she could stay in the US and eventually gain citizenship.  The false DV charges in combination with the false love set back Maxx psychologically for years as well as created a large expense in legal fees. 

We sincerely hope this is not the case.
Even though Alina has been in America only two weeks, do not let this slide.  Earlier I said you needed more patience when I thought this only about the child.  Frankly, my patience would be a little thin unless you are feeling  a strong emotional connection with Alina.

When I visited her I stayed in a hotel and we'd only spend time together during the day and always with her daughter or her family.

I am almost wondering if she's just afraid of romance.  I know there were times I wrote to her saying that I wished I were there so I could kiss her again and she'd reply that she is too shy to talk about it.  And the anime stuff she's into is completely asexual.  Even the Japanese boy stuff doesn't really have a sexual aspect to it.  She writes on twitter about how beautiful these boys are, but nothing else.  And these are Japanese boy bands and fake tennis teams, that's what she's into.  So I am wondering if she has some issues to deal with too.  Would have been nice to know all this before, but I'm going to make the best of it all :-)