Women with Children - more strongly worded advice

[Ade]

I think she knows exactly what she is doing. She got a free trip to the US for her and her daughter courtesy of our hero. Soon, she be moving to Seattle to be with dad....

Perhaps, or perhaps she's just as clueless as this guy - the Japanese cartoon addiction kind of hints at that.

[Gator]

Some here will be highly critical of the fact you are a One Week Wonder without sex.  You admit to the  mistake, so there is no reason to rub your nose in it.  Maybe there is something to be salvaged.  However, that will happen ONLY IF Alina really likes you.


We know about the lack of sex.  However, much can be told from her little actions.  Does she compliment you?  Express gratitude if you do something for her?  Look deep into your eyes?  Gently touch your hands? Do some work around the house?    Iron your clothes? Fix you tea?  Meals?  Ask, "How are you?" Wish you "Good sleep?"  Etc.




Do you believe she acts as if she likes you?  If yes, and if there is supporting evidence in her actions, then I propose the following:



Do not cut off her modem (strange advice).  Instead get her away from the modem, and while at it away from her daughter.   Get a babysitter.


Tell Alina about your plans:  romantic dinner, soft conversation, and a nice hotel.  This should evoke a response.


Every RW is different, yet most want the man to take the lead.  Have you made any moves other than talk about it?


Not to pry but are you a conservative Christian?  Is Alina? Sorry, but the virginity fact threw me. I assume you are not conservative since you mentioned the Orthodox church, but I ask.

[jmana]

Nicely done CanadaMan....
 
 
Jmana, does your fiance speak any English? I don't remeber seeing anything about this.

She speaks good English.

[jmana]

I think she knows exactly what she is doing. She got a free trip to the US for her and her daughter courtesy of our hero. Soon, she be moving to Seattle to be with dad....

The thing is if that was her plan, why didn't she just move here under a visa obtained by him?  He certainly could have afforded to bring her here, he worked for Amazon as a senior programmer, he even holds patents for their website.  Now he works for some small software company, but I know he's not poor. 

[jmana]

Some here will be highly critical of the fact you are a One Week Wonder without sex.  You admit to the  mistake, so there is no reason to rub your nose in it.  Maybe there is something to be salvaged.  However, that will happen ONLY IF Alina really likes you.


We know about the lack of sex.  However, much can be told from her little actions.  Does she compliment you?  Express gratitude if you do something for her?  Look deep into your eyes?  Gently touch your hands? Do some work around the house?    Iron your clothes? Fix you tea?  Meals?  Ask, "How are you?" Wish you "Good sleep?"  Etc.




Do you believe she acts as if she likes you?  If yes, and if there is supporting evidence in her actions, then I propose the following:



Do not cut off her modem (strange advice).  Instead get her away from the modem, and while at it away from her daughter.   Get a babysitter.


Tell Alina about your plans:  romantic dinner, soft conversation, and a nice hotel.  This should evoke a response.


Every RW is different, yet most want the man to take the lead.  Have you made any moves other than talk about it?


Not to pry but are you a conservative Christian?  Is Alina? Sorry, but the virginity fact threw me. I assume you are not conservative since you mentioned the Orthodox church, but I ask.

She does some of the things you mention, some she doesn't.  I do think she likes me, do I think she's madly in love?  No. 

I like your advice.

Oh no, not conservative and barely Christian.  The virgin thing wasn't something I searched out, it just happened that way, and we decided it would be cool to wait until after the wedding. 

[jone]

Hell, Ade,

We're all clueless. Here we are addicted to an internet forum!

I tend to agree with Ade.  And I don't believe that the father is interested in having her in Seattle.  I think you have a woman who does not have a clue as to how to respond.  She is in her own little insular world and if this has even a ghost of a chance of working out, you are going to have to be the man and show leadership skills and break her out of it. 

Forget your future stepdaughter.  She is a sideshow.  Figure out if there is a spark.  Gator, too has nailed it.  Get her away and romance her.  If she doesn't respond, she is a lost cause and you would be doing both yourselves a favor by ending it now.

Relationships are not supposed to be this hard.  If all else fails you can die your hair black, slant your eyes and put on a tennis outfit.

[jmana]

Relationships are not supposed to be this hard.  If all else fails you can die your hair black, slant your eyes and put on a tennis outfit.

I think I'd also have to have the body of a 10 year old boy as it seems they all look to be of that age.

[Jumper]

The more that comes out, the more it seems very bleak.
I assumed you had an established  relationship before she came, it doesn't seem that was the case at all.
As it unfolds, your story could easily be on the TV show 90 day fiancee.

You admit the mistakes,the choices now are  to work to build a relationship now,
or bail.

At the very root of this it seems you two never had a real bond or relationship, not even sure if one is possible.
Gator had some good advice if you want to even  attempt to establish one
at this late date.Start romancing her.See if shes receptive.

Really from the details you've shared now, I don't  hold much hope.

Some points in your favor are:
She did indeed relocate to you. Sounds like this isn't a mule thing if her father could have brought her over long ago? but you need to actually understand her family dynamic to have a clue about that?
To relocate ,with her child, on such a unstable ground (your relationship was not really founded ) speaks to desperation ,(which seems odd iof her father is how you say)
or hope that she felt , or would grow to feel something for you.

My guess it's "djadja" (дядя), which means "uncle". 

exactly, its a common expression in FSU, as well as *cousin*, aunt, etc.
used for any number of people closely associated with the family -
that would not fit that exact definition in English.
We wouldn't use it here, its pretty common to there.

It would make complete sense her daughter woud call you that .
Although Alina's reaction that it meant nothing , or wasn't a word, seems odd.

[Jumper]

I think I'd also have to have the body of a 10 year old boy as it seems they all look to be of that age.

so.. Have you asked her to step away from the monitor.. and have a real discussion? Bring up you'd actually like to spend time together, and how she feels about that?

No time like the present!

[jmana]

so.. Have you asked her to step away from the monitor.. and have a real discussion? Bring up you'd actually like to spend time together, and how she feels about that?

No time like the present!

I did, she said she's writing something important that has a deadline of Friday, I asked what she gets for getting it done by Friday, she said nothing but pride, so I guess that's more important.  I guess it's some fan fiction thing.  Tomorrow is a snow day for me, so if she thinks she is going to spend the whole day staring at that screen, then she's got another thing coming. 

[Faux Pas]

Some here will be highly critical of the fact you are a One Week Wonder without sex.  You admit to the  mistake, so there is no reason to rub your nose in it.  Maybe there is something to be salvaged.  However, that will happen ONLY IF Alina really likes you.

Now Gator, you are overreacting. The forum will generally be critical no matter what is posted or from whom. Nobody I have read is rubbing his nose in it. I see the posters collectively building jmana a bonfire where he has clearly accepted denial and the red flags. The guy is at a crossroad and action is necessary. I see the forum responding in a completely acceptable manner and doing what needs to be done. Educating a mind of the dangers ahead. FWIW


The rest of your advice was spot on IMO 

[Hammer2722]

I did, she said she's writing something important that has a deadline of Friday, I asked what she gets for getting it done by Friday, she said nothing but pride, so I guess that's more important.  I guess it's some fan fiction thing.  Tomorrow is a snow day for me, so if she thinks she is going to spend the whole day staring at that screen, then she's got another thing coming.

Seems to me that she is in her own little world and your not invited.....Yikes!!!

[BillyB]

I did, she said she's writing something important that has a deadline of Friday,

Today is Tuesday. What on the internet takes half a week to write that's so important to be ignoring the family?

Tomorrow is a snow day for me, so if she thinks she is going to spend the whole day staring at that screen, then she's got another thing coming.

What will she have coming? Keep your emotions in check and don't do something stupid. Take a baseball bat to the modem if you have to but don't get into a fight. Like most people here, I wouldn't even unplug the modem. That is not going to solve the problem if your fiancée, on her own free will, doesn't want to spend time with you.


You need to be a man today, not tomorrow. You are upset with the way things are going. Tell her tonight if she doesn't start addressing your concerns and how to make the relationship work, you won't be marrying her. She will either postpone her project because she values you as her future husband or continue it. If she continues it, think about buying her tickets back home and cancelling the k-1. Life doesn't have to be this tough.

[Jumper]

Well , it doesn't bode well at all that a fansite /hobby is more
important at the moment than the issues surrounding you both.


I'm impatient,on such things,  and  likely would not handle that very well , as i'd expect her to set aside time to discuss things at a minimum.Since I'd likely screw it up, I'll refrain from advice on that matter.

I will offer advice overall from my experiences as a single father,  and also openly admit some mistakes.
My wife and I had a fantastic relationship, it still gets better everyday...I'm blessed.There were no red flags, no pink ones, or even yellow after we met on either side(she might disagree ! heh)
It was obvious to me, her family, friends she was in love with me.Each action, spoke of it.(I have no idea why she was, or still is lol ,but it was not hard to detect)
Yet I admit in retrospect  our relationship was not as founded as it should have been before becoming an instant family ( I have custody of my son- his mother passed)Did i feel after a fantastic connection, on all levels, many trips, quite a bit of time spent living in a flat together,and daily ,lengthy communication for  over 2 years,that it was ? YES! absolutely.,no question about it. Now did we have huge issues to resolve ? NO,  but if the relationship had been more fully established , there would have been an easier transition into a family dynamic.Our strong bond and loving connection,ease of communication and willingness to sit down and rationally discuss even the most emotional of topics,  helped us work through those challenges.  Even though seemingly well established, I do wish it had been further along, as it would have been a better transition for everyone.That's on me. By the way- we still have a true weekly date night after a couple years of marriage,it seems fun and important to be sure and set aside specific time for just us *two*, to go do something.  I'm not beating you down on purpose, just information: I really cannot imagine, if we had been in the level you two seem at, relationship wise, and trying to forge a new family out of that, all while  integrating two children from prior relationships.That's a serious challenge i would not be up to ,without a lot of strong feelings for her , and feeling they were completely reciprocal.  You have a long road as i feel Gator was spot on in that you need to see if you can start a relationship now.You are just starting to date.Frankly she doesn't seem to want to.I wish you both the best, however it turns out.

[jone]

exactly, its a common expression in FSU, as well as *cousin*, aunt, etc.
used for any number of people closely associated with the family
that would not fit that exact definition in English.  We wouldn't use it here, its pretty common to there.

It would make complete sense her daughter woud call you that.

Actually, most of the Russian women that I have known, if there is a cousin, they call him brother or sister (depending on whether they are a boy or a girl - I'll let you figure out which is which).  That may be unique to the different friends I have, but I am only reporting what I have observed.

And what is up with your font/size thing, AJ?  Someone been telling you lately that size does matter? 

[calmissile]

Actually, most of the Russian women that I have known, if there is a cousin, they call him brother or sister (depending on whether they are a boy or a girl - I'll let you figure out which is which).  That may be unique to the different friends I have, but I am only reporting what I have observed.And what is up with your font/size thing, AJ?  Someone been telling you lately that size does matter?

Yes, this is true.  Larissa refers to her cousins and brothers and sisters.  I don't know if it is a translation issue or if the language uses the words brothers and sisters as a substitute for cousins.  Surely someone here will know.   It is confusing until you realize what is meant.     

[die_cast]

Tell her tonight if she doesn't start addressing your concerns and how to make the relationship work, you won't be marrying her.

I wouldn't do that.
First of all, because threats and compulsion have never been the way to build healthy relationship.
And perhaps even more important, because it will give her the key in case if she is really not into him, but wants to marry him by some other reasons.
Of course, jmana still have to romance her, but in general it'd be better to let her do what she is doing, let her to be herself.

[southernX]

jeez , jmana , you have got into a bit of a bind here hey ,

look there is lots of good advice coming your way , i would not be rushing to assume her intentions to much just yet , assuming things and then acting on your assumptions is /can be fatal with any women ,
so dont do it with alina , !!!!!

her motives may be good , her dad could have brought her here it seems , money is not a problem for him ,

ok couple of perspectives for you to think about ,

dont dismiss her actions as all negative until you are actually totally sure it has gone into train wreck status , be very carefull your actions dont push it in that direction any faster than it may be going already ok ?

ill play devils advocate here , look at both sides of the coin from her point of view , try it yourself and see what you think , ok
couple of background questions for jmana

in her home country did she still live with family? mum etc ?? if she did  it is quite likely she did not do any housework or take any responsibility at her age for the ''home ''and was able to play on the computer all day , this might explain her actions here with you , you need to talk & listen with her about it and discover her expectations , explain yours , of how the family can grwo together

it could be she is lazy and will never share in the family, has some princess attitude, but id favour the never did it at home with family as most likely here , she may need time to adjust ,

 , her not sleeping with you  until after marriage , it is not that unusual imho , even though she may not be a virgin & has a child, , she will probably feel it is quite ok to not sleep with you , especialy if she has reasonable religous beliefs, &you already mentioned going to church until after marriage , especially where a child is present ,
or -she may not be that into you at all or not yet , has no plan to ever get close to you, but id favour the first option , give her time to learn to love you, deeper, , be a little selfless and win her attention and engage her in activitys , she will want to share more with you ,
small gestures, small  romantic gifts, etc etc ask her out for a walk in nature with her daughter ,
dont push on her for sex , let it flow initiate it when it feels right ,

a lot of what your doing is assuming stuff and connecting the dots to prove yur outcome in your mind and other posters
keep your moods open and positive

by your own actions you may be pushing alina away from you further & further, from what i read it alreadys seems to have begun by your own hand ,
the root cause is ''you '' dont know her well enough to begin with , so when your expectations are not met your using your logic & life experiences to interpret what she is doing ,and then make judgements about it based on your false understandings .  STOP DOING THIS TODAY !!! it will kill any chance you might have of building this up from scratch , you do i think still have a chance of building a strong bond with them both , but you can only work on you jmana ,  and what your doing to destroy the relationship

be positive, stop judging her on everything , communicate with her , engage with her and her child,
stop looking for an instant fix, it takes time , ''you '' have to work at this fulltime mate ,

make them a priority ,
you dont mention your son at all ??how is he going ? your the man , the dad , of the house , think of ways you can bring them all together , to interact , to engage each other ,in a positive way that you can manage with your family as they  are all your family now

what do you do for  breakfast, lunch & dinner ?? 
do you all share a meal together ?? does alina cook at all , do you cook ? food is an important part of a familys bonding time , if not already , introduce it asap , work at it man !!!

look for ways you can bring your family together jmana

the alternative is to continue to forecast a problem with all that you see and help by your own actions to kill of any chance you all might have ,
alina will be feeling all sorts of emotions , her moods will be up and down etc , you must be the rock that she needs to secure things , help her , and dont put too much pressure on her , show care and concern , not negative  judgemental authoratarian directives or attitudes

be positive, set a marriage date , if you want to hedge your bets, make it for as far away as possible , to give yourselves time to settle into each other more  but do not set it as an ultimatum with alina , another nail in your coffin if you do imho
alina will be looking at your actions just as critically , stick to what you said you would do , remember lots of people would have given her scary stories about what she has chosen to do , dont confirm them for her by your actions !!!

given this is your second time around in marriage with a FSU lady , you have jumped back into old habits id say , possibly you did not sit down and have along hard look at yourself & made improvements  before you jumped into this one , however you did  & you now have two other people to be responsible for ,

no matter what the outcome , you have the responsibility to look after these people that you have brought into your life jmana

good luck , please dont take offence too much  as i think most posters including me  are offering you their advice with best intentions

SX

[fathertime]

The advice here is very good..imo.


as you reveal more and more...i'm almost aghast.  I just would have done things soooo differently...  well anyway, this Japanese anime is so puzzling to me and the fact that it has consumed her to the point where she can't even talk is just nonsense...based on what i've read it certainly doesn't appear that she is into you for whatever reason...but nothing much makes sense...  assuming this doesn't improve, I'm just hoping that you can send her back without a great big hassle...if need be maybe you can bribe her with tickets to the next Anime convention. 


Fathertime! 

[die_cast]

Actually, most of the Russian women that I have known, if there is a cousin, they call him brother or sister (depending on whether they are a boy or a girl - I'll let you figure out which is which).

"Дядя" ("дяденька") (literally "an uncle") is a word children would call any man (except father and grandfather), even unknown man.
As for a "cousin", even we have a word "кузен" ("кузина"), we usually call them "двоюродный брат" (brother) "двоюродная сестра" (sister).

[BillyB]

I wouldn't do that.
First of all, because threats and compulsion have never been the way to build healthy relationship.

Telling the lady he isn't going to marry her isn't a threat, it's simply an action in response to her decision to not wanting to build a healthy relationship. If jmana waits till tomorrow to talk to her again, she may tell him "Are you stupid? I told you I had a deadline on Friday."


jmana has been more than patient with this situation. They've been together for weeks and he's just now trying to talk to her. Waiting any longer is wasting time and prolonging the inevitable. Today jmana has allowed himself to be blown off by his fiancée in favor of a internet deadline probably pertaining to anime cartoons.


People usually put their best foot forward early on in the relationship. If this is the best she's got, jmana has problems.

[die_cast]

Telling the lady he isn't going to marry her isn't a threat, it's simply an action in response to her decision to not wanting to build a healthy relationship.

In case if she is going to marry him even if it doesn't look like that (we can't know what she really thinks) it is a threat to tell her "I'm not going to marry you if you are not doing what I want now". And it can change her behaviour, but just for a while, after wedding she will back to her regular behaviour and if her husband would like her to do what he wants again, he will have to mention "divorce" already.

People usually put their best foot forward early on in the relationship. If this is the best she's got, jmana has problems.

I'm afraid, he has.

[jmana]

jeez , jmana , you have got into a bit of a bind here hey ,

look there is lots of good advice coming your way , i would not be rushing to assume her intentions to much just yet , assuming things and then acting on your assumptions is /can be fatal with any women ,
so dont do it with alina , !!!!!

her motives may be good , her dad could have brought her here it seems , money is not a problem for him ,

ok couple of perspectives for you to think about ,

dont dismiss her actions as all negative until you are actually totally sure it has gone into train wreck status , be very carefull your actions dont push it in that direction any faster than it may be going already ok ?

ill play devils advocate here , look at both sides of the coin from her point of view , try it yourself and see what you think , ok
couple of background questions for jmana

in her home country did she still live with family? mum etc ?? if she did  it is quite likely she did not do any housework or take any responsibility at her age for the ''home ''and was able to play on the computer all day , this might explain her actions here with you , you need to talk & listen with her about it and discover her expectations , explain yours , of how the family can grwo together

it could be she is lazy and will never share in the family, has some princess attitude, but id favour the never did it at home with family as most likely here , she may need time to adjust ,

 , her not sleeping with you  until after marriage , it is not that unusual imho , even though she may not be a virgin & has a child, , she will probably feel it is quite ok to not sleep with you , especialy if she has reasonable religous beliefs, &you already mentioned going to church until after marriage , especially where a child is present ,
or -she may not be that into you at all or not yet , has no plan to ever get close to you, but id favour the first option , give her time to learn to love you, deeper, , be a little selfless and win her attention and engage her in activitys , she will want to share more with you ,
small gestures, small  romantic gifts, etc etc ask her out for a walk in nature with her daughter ,
dont push on her for sex , let it flow initiate it when it feels right ,

a lot of what your doing is assuming stuff and connecting the dots to prove yur outcome in your mind and other posters
keep your moods open and positive

by your own actions you may be pushing alina away from you further & further, from what i read it alreadys seems to have begun by your own hand ,
the root cause is ''you '' dont know her well enough to begin with , so when your expectations are not met your using your logic & life experiences to interpret what she is doing ,and then make judgements about it based on your false understandings .  STOP DOING THIS TODAY !!! it will kill any chance you might have of building this up from scratch , you do i think still have a chance of building a strong bond with them both , but you can only work on you jmana ,  and what your doing to destroy the relationship

be positive, stop judging her on everything , communicate with her , engage with her and her child,
stop looking for an instant fix, it takes time , ''you '' have to work at this fulltime mate ,

make them a priority ,
you dont mention your son at all ??how is he going ? your the man , the dad , of the house , think of ways you can bring them all together , to interact , to engage each other ,in a positive way that you can manage with your family as they  are all your family now

what do you do for  breakfast, lunch & dinner ?? 
do you all share a meal together ?? does alina cook at all , do you cook ? food is an important part of a familys bonding time , if not already , introduce it asap , work at it man !!!

look for ways you can bring your family together jmana

the alternative is to continue to forecast a problem with all that you see and help by your own actions to kill of any chance you all might have ,
alina will be feeling all sorts of emotions , her moods will be up and down etc , you must be the rock that she needs to secure things , help her , and dont put too much pressure on her , show care and concern , not negative  judgemental authoratarian directives or attitudes

be positive, set a marriage date , if you want to hedge your bets, make it for as far away as possible , to give yourselves time to settle into each other more  but do not set it as an ultimatum with alina , another nail in your coffin if you do imho
alina will be looking at your actions just as critically , stick to what you said you would do , remember lots of people would have given her scary stories about what she has chosen to do , dont confirm them for her by your actions !!!

given this is your second time around in marriage with a FSU lady , you have jumped back into old habits id say , possibly you did not sit down and have along hard look at yourself & made improvements  before you jumped into this one , however you did  & you now have two other people to be responsible for ,

no matter what the outcome , you have the responsibility to look after these people that you have brought into your life jmana

good luck , please dont take offence too much  as i think most posters including me  are offering you their advice with best intentions

SX

Thanks so much, you've definitely offered some really good advice and what you say makes sense.  I appreciate you taking the time to write something rational that I can get on board with. 
My son is 12 and at the age where he likes to play PS3 constantly, but I have managed to get him down here to watch movies with us.  And he is very tolerant of Maria, I think he likes her even though she annoys him a lot.  I do all the cooking, she cooked for the first time today, scrambled eggs for their lunch.   

[Gator]

Jmana,


Weather forecasts expect a large accumulation of snow in the RDU area.  A rare event indeed.  Knowing your fellow residents, I suggest you stay off the roads. 


The snow will be a good opportunity for family fun.  No TV, no internet.  Build a snowman, throw snowballs, make snow angels, watch a little girl laugh.  Hopefully the big girl laughs too. 




Warming up inside should be fun too.  Maybe she will cook you some hot soup.




If there is some semblance of romantic attraction between the two of you, you can build something.  Baby steps at first, yet quickly progressing.   You have 2 1/2 months.  A long time in some regards, a short time in others.


I wish you the best, one way or the other.

[jmana]

Jmana,


Weather forecasts expect a large accumulation of snow in the RDU area.  A rare event indeed.  Knowing your fellow residents, I suggest you stay off the roads. 


The snow will be a good opportunity for family fun.  No TV, no internet.  Build a snowman, throw snowballs, make snow angels, watch a little girl laugh.  Hopefully the big girl laughs too. 




Warming up inside should be fun too.  Maybe she will cook you some hot soup.




If there is some semblance of romantic attraction between the two of you, you can build something.  Baby steps at first, yet quickly progressing.   You have 2 1/2 months.  A long time in some regards, a short time in others.


I wish you the best, one way or the other.

Yeah it's not much time at all.  I am glad that I admitted what's going on today though, because I have gotten a lot of good advice, and I think tomorrow will be a day to start fresh instead of just going through it pretending nothing is wrong while feeling a lot of resentment.  Tomorrow I think will be a day to work on getting closer to Alina and see if she responds positively or not.  I am not going to cut the internet or threaten to not marry her.  I just need to do all I can to foster this relationship.  I think my problem is I was focusing on Maria's behavior because it was an easy and obvious thing to focus on. 
Yes, tomorrow I think I will cook borscht for lunch    Glad to have a snow day!